Home  | Login  | Register  | Help  | Play 

Tale of the two heroes

  		Logged in as: Guest
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> Tale of the two heroes
Page 1 of 212>
Forum Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
1/11/2013 10:17:35   
delta blitz
Member

This is the discussion thread for Tales of the two heroes. Constructive critisim welcomed and remember all forum rules apply. This story was promised to my forums friends here so I plan on keeping my word. Come back daily because I update the story daily.

Edited to fix the link. ~Eukara Vox
thank you x3

< Message edited by delta blitz -- 1/22/2013 18:10:26 >
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
1/18/2013 1:37:55   
RevzZ the Optivus
Member

A fairly interesting read.

Just a heads up, I'm sorry about any description nitpicking but description is what I usually enjoy in a story, alongside a good plot.

You might want to recheck your grammar though. Put the quotations marks to show when a person begins talking, after they pause and again if they continue talking. It makes it easier to tell who is saying what and when.

Set the scene when they enter somewhere new and when the story begins. Is the house small? Are they poor? Put paragraphs in when the scene changes so we know that it has switched to somewhere else completely.

Describe their build. Are they muscular? Or thin as a stick? This makes all the difference in how we picture their size. For example, we'd feel trapped as an underdog if the main character was a small thin boy, facing a tall, muscular and powerful giant. We feel as if the boy is at a disadvantage.

Extra information isn't needed in the story. We're fine if we don't know what Aququious means but ask yourself this: Why would the Smasher tell himself something like that? But also, The Smasher had left his sniper behind so how did he snipe the two men running away? Did he steal a sniper? In my mind, I see the Smasher as a violent individual wanting destruction.

You know one thing I do absolutely LOVE about your story? The Smasher's analytical skills. I've always been a fan of Sherlock Holmes and the way the Smasher analyzes the situation is a bit like him.

Overall, an interesting story with just some smoothing aroung the edges needed. A nice, interesting story with a few changes to turn it into an amazing story. Plot is a little jumbled but that's okay.

-RO

_____________________________
AQ DF  Post #: 2
1/18/2013 9:49:31   
delta blitz
Member

Thanks for the feedback and I'm sorry for lack of information but most of the things you asked for was explained in the Smasher's Perfect soldier story and the Summoner's tale of the summoner's story which unforunately only my past forums friends got to read before it was removed. However I will tell you that the Smasher has a body that is physical beyond the peak of human perfection due to the fact that he is a super soldier which is explain later in the story when the Smasher and the Summoner *exchange* stories. The Smasher describes the Summoner pretty well from when he first meets him so it will be ok. Adding on to that the Smasher has an IQ of 800 thus it is understandable about his analytical skills and also he is paranoid in a very good way. As for the the grammar...I've been trying for a least two years to get fix my grammar and I'm getting better so I give no promises. Also niether of these characters are underdog...this time as they both are the best at what they do, the Smasher is a one man army that has taken on sucide mission like they were child's play as you can see I praise him in the beginning for doing so much with so little. The Summoner on the other hand is extremely potent at all forms of magic but perfers elemental magic and zero energy magic(I take this away from him the beginning so that he doesn't just snap his fingers and undo the dimensional transportation), he is literately sorcerer supreme on two seperate planets in two seperate dimensions. As for the house in the beginning...sky blue roof,three stories high, sitting in the center of a forest which was built by the Smasher himself when he was younger and yes the Smasher is rich as he sells houses every once in while when funds gets low and his wife is an ex amazon queen so..theres that. Truth be told this story is for my past forumite friends to understand but I did make sure not to completely throw new readers out of the loop so feel free to enjoy. Btw the Smasher sniped the two men with one of his dual revolvers I'm sorry I didnt make that clear and you might have the Summoner and the Smasher confused as the Summoner is the destructive one while the Smasher is the strategist/soldier.

< Message edited by delta blitz -- 1/18/2013 10:10:30 >
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 3
1/18/2013 9:57:24   
Helixi
Member

Delta, speech usually goes on a new line in a story. It would make it easier to read for many people and you'd get a lot more critique that way. :)
AQ DF  Post #: 4
1/18/2013 10:07:13   
delta blitz
Member

Yeah I've seen other writers do that but I'm trying to make my own style of writing which is why the paragraphs may seem small and the spacing seems weird. But I'll try that tidbit of information next time I try to write a story.
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 5
1/18/2013 18:56:15   
RevzZ the Optivus
Member

Ahhh..a previous story. Perhaps you'd like to add a small note at the top of the story so we don't get confused.

I'm just saying that the Smasher seems to be violent because he killed two men as they were fleeing, and without any hesitation. A bit of context would be good to explain it. Maybe he didn't want them getting reinforcements?

With an IQ of 800, that seems like the Smasher should be able to see about 500 steps ahead. This should mean he can see very far ahead, unless the Summoner has about the same IQ. Battle of the minds! Just what I absolutely love to read about!
AQ DF  Post #: 6
1/18/2013 19:43:37   
delta blitz
Member

"Tale of the two heroes" had a note saying read "Tale of the Summoner" and "The story of the perfect soldier" before hand when I first posted it but I removed it due to the fact that those two stories aren't here anymore. The Smasher is a super soldier, hyper genius and paranoid so killing was not only part of his life growing up, but also normally part of every plan after his first one. The Summoner isn't really that smart, he has an IQ of 150 though he is very powerful (godly from a human standpoint even without the zero energy magic) so it balance things out as his only problem is that he can be very reckless at times(though when even tempered he shows just how potent and perfected he is with controlling his abilities). Keep reading story, the battle of the minds hasn't even started yet(unless you have read everything I wrote so far in which case it has started). (Btw the Smasher and Summoner aren't enemies)

< Message edited by delta blitz -- 1/18/2013 19:44:58 >
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 7
1/19/2013 19:12:13   
RevzZ the Optivus
Member

Ok...I got it. Keep it up with the story then. Just wanted to clarify some questions I was having before. I've already read the story though, otherwise I wouldn't critique. Have a nice day!
AQ DF  Post #: 8
1/20/2013 15:05:18   
delta blitz
Member

Ok I was wondering if there were any scenes in the story so far that caught your attention for you to comment about or that you would like to me explain? Also I'm adding 3 days worth of story today.

edit:Done x3

< Message edited by delta blitz -- 1/21/2013 9:01:27 >
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 9
1/22/2013 13:28:34   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
quote:

Yeah I've seen other writers do that but I'm trying to make my own style of writing which is why the paragraphs may seem small and the spacing seems weird. But I'll try that tidbit of information next time I try to write a story.


There is a difference between trying a personal style and completely ignoring the very basic conventions of writing. You can make your writing unique without sacrificing the writing rules that are universal throughout history and employed by present day writers.

I highly suggest you find a way to balance the rules of writing with your own style. If you make it difficult for people to read your writing because you refuse to adhere to the writing rules, you will lose readers. Helixi is right. Dialogue must be set apart as its own paragraph, which is something most kids by 5th grade learn in school. Each speaker gets a new paragraph. That is a writing rule. Not my rule.

As to your level of violence, let us hope it is staying within the AE forum rules. Violence, for the sake of violence, is not the best method of creative writing.

< Message edited by Eukara Vox -- 1/22/2013 13:30:09 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 10
1/22/2013 17:50:33   
delta blitz
Member

Yeah I understand as I said I have been trying to get my writing style under control for the last two years but bad habits die hard. Though I know it is no excuse, as for the violence it isn't violence for the sake of violence it's self defense my protagonists normally don't start fights(except once in the story where the Summoner picks a fight with the Koki) they finish them; normally in a anime like fashion and I'm not a gory writer I'm fairly blunt and concise and personally would prefer to finish this story without incident. This story is PG but with a few PG-13 references towards the beginning to set the theme though I personally assure you this is merely an overdue gift back to my old forumite friends that I promise fairly long ago. Once I'm done I most likely won't write anymore, I promise.

< Message edited by delta blitz -- 1/22/2013 18:08:17 >
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 11
1/28/2013 12:47:08   
Helixi
Member

When I'm trying out a new writing style I put a note on a post-it or sticky note and put it to my laptop screen edges. If you wrote a note about this new style, it'd be there all the time to remind you. Hope that helps, delta. :)
AQ DF  Post #: 12
1/29/2013 14:16:21   
delta blitz
Member

Ok i understand, though it seems my old forumite friends aren't on the forums as much as they used to be which is giving me writer's block but no worries they will see it eventually.
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 13
1/29/2013 18:11:29   
Doom Desirer
Member

Well I'm interested. The part where the smasher used Drakoniss' name was a bit strange, but I'll wait and see what happens later.
Post #: 14
1/30/2013 16:44:05   
delta blitz
Member

If you remember the Story of the Perfect soldier, Drakkoniss was the Smasher's partner/non genetic brother (it is recapped on earlier in this story during a conversation with the Summoner). He used Drakkoniss's name so that he could completely disguise himself the Smash gang know his real name so he can't use it, believe it or not the Smasher is paranoid....in an interestingly good way. You comment has sparked my imagination so I'll continue now let's hope the others comment too x3.
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 15
2/11/2013 18:07:29   
delta blitz
Member

I've added even more to my story and I'm sure you guys will like it :3. Especially since one of the scenes I wrote showed just how clever the Smasher can be and also gave my readers a glimpse of just how far ahead he can think. There is a difference between being a game player and a game maker....and unfortunately unless the player has mastered the game beyond the game maker's imagination (which normally doesn't happen as much as people think) then the player can't beat the maker.

< Message edited by delta blitz -- 2/19/2013 1:33:07 >
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 16
3/6/2013 3:08:42   
  Grixus Faldor



 delta: While not conforming to orthographical or indeed grammatical convention is unique, it also makes for a difficult read. Sentences should not be 2-3 lines long and paragraphs should not be uniform in length. Each paragraph is meant to tie-in with the preceding and following paragraphs, they're meant to develop the characters and progress the story and shouldn't be broken up in the middle of a chain of events.

You can have a unique writing style and follow convention, that is possible and has been done before. I wish you well with your endeavours.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 17
3/6/2013 9:52:02   
delta blitz
Member

Thank you for your advice, I truly apprieciate it. My grammar as far as I can tell is horrible....and I know this, though truthfully I would really like to know how my readers feel about the story itself rather than its structure because after all with a little proofreading even my format can be fixed but if my story itself is horrible then I would have to rewrite it altogether. Also I plan on restructuring this story after I finish writing it so no worries on that anymore.
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 18
3/6/2013 12:05:36   
Helixi
Member

People are not likely to read your story if it's not grammatically correct, so asking them to read it without sorting out your grammar is, sadly, an exercise in futility. It's better for you to sort the grammar out before asking for storyline critique.
AQ DF  Post #: 19
3/6/2013 13:08:19   
delta blitz
Member

True very true, though most of my forumite friends are used to my writing style(which I change every time I write a new story). Also I write this story in Ms word and then copy and paste it here so the weird paragraphs and spacing issues are mostly a result of that. (I used to write directly into these forums but I was told my spelling was a problem so I went to MS word to fix it)

On a side note....I have noticed that I'm getting alot of replies from ArchKnights....am I being watched or something for misbehavior? I'm only asking because in my past story threads I never got replies from ArchKnights. Even though I would ask them to skim my stories(both in game and here on the forums) I would never get any advice from them like I'm getting now.....so its a bit suspicious and makes me wonder if I'm breaking a rule or something to bring all of you here.
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 20
3/7/2013 12:51:24   
Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Well delta. It is our job after all to make sure nothing can go wrong. Always make sure you read the rules of the board you are posting in before posting at all.
That way it will make sure no problems are caused. And if there are questions about a rule, don't hesitate to ask. We are here to help people, not to bug them
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 21
3/7/2013 13:00:40   
Helixi
Member

I appreciate that, but it would be much easier to critique and improve if we could read it properly. Huge blocks of text make it painful to read and might just put people off altogether. If you would like me to give you some advice on proper formatting, feel free to PM me.
AQ DF  Post #: 22
3/7/2013 13:08:52   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


 Nope, there's no issues from Word. Or to be more accurate, Word does not transfer anything. Essentially, spacing, bold, underline, etc is not conveyed when copy and pasted from Word won't transfer, so it's your job as the author to space it into personable chunks. It doesn't matter if your friends are used to your writing style, if you want to attract new readers, you need to conform to the basic writing standards of grammar.

No one likes giant walls of texts. The expression TL:DR originated from people posting giant chunks of text without adequate spacing. Some people will simply refuse to read a story if there isn't proper spacing structure, if chapters aren't bolded to clearly indicate new sections, etc. If you want to be taken seriously as a writer, you're going to need to change that first. Then people will be more willing to critique your story.


< Message edited by Ultrapowerpie -- 3/7/2013 13:12:22 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 23
3/7/2013 14:01:09   
delta blitz
Member

Ok ok I'm glad there isn't issues with my activity and seeing as I have you guy's attention now I might as well restructure my story.....though don't expect much other than bolded chapters and spacing changes. Then hopefully I will be able to some comments based on my story content.

@Ultrapowerpie: I actually am not trying to be taken seriously as a writer as this is only a small hobby of mine(as I'm working to become a game developer/tester), though I do understand where you are coming from.

Restructuring story in progress...done

< Message edited by delta blitz -- 3/7/2013 20:18:37 >
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 24
3/7/2013 14:01:34   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 Okay, your story is so cluttered. For the next section I have given it some room.

quote:

“Come on James don’t leave yourself open” The Smasher said as his ten year old son threw a haymaker towards him, the Smasher playfully deflected the haymaker using only the pointer finger of his right hand; the red haired boy quickly swung his other fist behind his haymaker but the Smasher caught it with his left hand and quickly placed the boy in a elbow lock.

“Too slow<> the Smasher said with a grin as his red haired son conceded defeat, come now son, you mastered both boxing and kickboxing in the last few years, surely my Muay Thai shouldn’t be too much for you”;

“That’s not fair<> James said as he pouted, <>you have 30 years of military training and I’m just a kid”.

“Actually 22 counting my unawake years<> the Smasher said<> but that is no excuse, look at your little sister, she just finished learning kickboxing last year and she has better form than you.”

“That’s because she has mom’s flexibility with your natural affinity for martial arts<> James said as the Smasher’s white haired daughter tried to sneak attack her father from behind, <>all I have is some of your intellect and mother’s shadow powers”.

I bolded where sentences begin or end.

Your story would be a LOT more enjoyable to read this way.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 25
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> Tale of the two heroes
Page 1 of 212>
Jump to:






Icon Legend
New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

"AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.
PRIVACY POLICY


Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition