Home  | Login  | Register  | Help  | Play 

A Broken fate Discussion

 
Logged in as: Guest
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> A Broken fate Discussion
Forum Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
2/5/2013 17:42:51   
deathlord45
Member

I'd like to hear any thoughts on the story.

< Message edited by deathlord45 -- 3/21/2013 20:33:11 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 1
3/28/2013 9:56:29   
Trainz_07
Member

Hello deathlord45, first off, I would like to address the matter of paragraph separation, which seems to be lacking in your story. The scarcity of paragraph separation has made it significantly difficult to read your chapters, since so many words are all clumped together. Naturally how you structure your chapters is entirely up to you, but I would just like to suggest to split paragraphs in such a way that will make it easier for your readers to purvey your story.

More importantly is the issue of the dialogue. Generally, when writing any form of dialogue, when you move on to the next speaker, you have to break into a new paragraph. For example:

quote:

“Hey Drake!” as he looked towards the source of the sound he saw Kane running up the hall towards him. “Hey Kane. What is it?” asked Drake normally “Terra is being taken to the Council.” responded Kane in between breaths “What!” at the mention of the Council, Drake began to lose his composure “Why? What did she do?” the Council are the one's who administer the test “She got into a fight with Luna.


This should be modified into this form:

“Hey Drake!” as he looked towards the source of the sound he saw Kane running up the hall towards him.

“Hey Kane. What is it?” asked Drake normally.

“Terra is being taken to the Council.” responded Kane in between breaths.

“What!” at the mention of the Council, Drake began to lose his composure. “Why? What did she do?” The Council are the one's who administer the test.

“She got into a fight with Luna."


quote:

While Kane on the other-hand was much shorter with a lighter complexion than Drake's, sandy brown hair and one blue and one green eye


While I appreciate your intent of describing your character's physical traits, I think you would have benefited in employing the 'show don't tell' method. This is a popular and significant technique where you as a writer are trying to 'show' your story through the readers, to allow them to experience it through the senses, as well as via the actions, thoughts and words of the characters themselves, rather than simply telling your readers. It helps to make your stories more vivid and interesting. I'll give you an example:

Tell: John was angry at Mike.

Show: John glared at Mike, his fists clenched as his entire being shook with a violent fury.

Perhaps not the best example, but I hope that it conveys to you the difference between 'telling' and 'showing'. While there are definitely circumstances where telling is the better method, when it comes to descriptions, be they about the setting or character appearances, showing is almost always the way to go.

quote:

He had gotten up feeling that things would finally change that he would finally pass the test to become a full Drakous member and join those already being sent out on missions for the Drakous


Slight punctuation hiccup here. There should be a comma between 'change' and 'that'. Actually there are also several sentences throughout your story that warrant a comma, which will help to ease the flow of your sentences. My suggestion is to read through some of your sentences, and if you feel out of breath after reading one, then perhaps a comma should be inserted somewhere. While punctuation and grammaratical errors do not really interfere with the actual plot, sometimes they can be a little distracting, so pay close attention to that.




While it's clear that Drake is the protaganist of your story, it seems that you didn't really write much about his inner thoughts and whatever's going on in his mind as the story progresses. Stories are very much about the characters as they are about the plot, and I very much would have liked to see more of Drake's personalities and traits. It's important to invest some time in molding you main character, because he's gonna appear a lot in your story. Write about his habits, his goals, his strengths, his fears, his backstory...try recalling characters from your favourite books and think about what it was about them that made them so memorable.

In regards to the plot, while I liked how you created a premise involving a prophecy, there were a few confusions that I would like to point out.

First off, I didn't really understand the Drakous. While you have provided the details of their training and the members' professions, you have not explained their identity as well as their purpose. Who or what exactly is the Drakous? What is it about them that attracted Drake into wanting to join them?

Also, at the end of chapter two, Prince Arros mentioned that he 'hoped that Mallek's three generals died when they fell off the glacier cliffs all those years ago'. But then he says that he 'guessed that it was too much to expect that they had fallen to their deaths.' Unless I'm missing something, there is a distinct inconsistency in his two statements.

In terms of setting, I don't think it was properly established. You haven't written enough descriptions about the surrounding for me to picture where the characters are. Remember that while advancing the plot is important, it also helps to describe the scenery and surroundings, to help give the readers a sense of the world that you're trying to paint.

With all that said, I must applaud you on starting to write your very first story. While your writing needs a bit of work, don't feel discouraged and just continue writing. Remember that practice makes perfect, and your piece is already quite good considering your lack of experience.

If you have any questions regarding my critique, feel free to ask and remember that all that I've said is of my own opinion which isn't necessarily the most optimal. Keep writing and good luck!
AQ  Post #: 2
4/14/2013 10:54:02   
deathlord45
Member

Most of Drake's backstory will be a mystery for quite a while some of it will be revealed in chapter 4 or 5. Also the prophecy will remain a mystery to the reader throughout the story though it's implications will mentioned by Mallek and Starterra(you'll met her later on in the story). Some of Drake's personality will be revealed through he story.

When Arros say this:
quote:

I just hope that his three generals died when they fell off that glacier cliff all those years ago

He doesn't know about the reports on the that fact that the generals are still alive. So when he says;
quote:

I guess it was to much to expect that they'd have fallen to their deaths

He's just annoyed by the fact he had gotten his hopes a little to high.

I'll take your advice on setting, dialog and putting in some extra commas.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 3
4/14/2013 21:50:08   
Trainz_07
Member

Thank you for clarifying on the issue with the three generals, as well as taking the time to split the paragraphs; everything looks much cleaner and organized. Your readers will definitely appreciate it.

I've read your latest chapter, and just thought to point out a few minor grammatical hiccups.

quote:

“Took you long enough.” complained Kane “thought we might have to leave without you.”


Should be as such: "Took you long enough," complained Kane, "thought we might have to leave without you."

That's the conventional dialogue format. I'm not entirely sure if there's any fault to you writing dialogue according to your preference, but at the very least, sticking to conventional methods will strike a familiar chord with your readers, who are probably familiar with the usual format. Just my opinion.

quote:

“I believe your right Drake splitting up would be the best idea to finish this mission quickly so we can help Arros and Serge in the Frozen Barrens.”


Should be 'you're'.

quote:

“What are you three waiting for an invitation.” she snapped


Should be: "What are you three waiting for? An invitation?" she snapped.




In regards to the describing of the heroes' garments, I think that you would benefit by not describing them all in one go. Perhaps you could distribute the description of each of them throughout several paragraphs. The reason is because by compressing everything within one paragraph, I think you run the risk of bogging down your readers and losing their attention. Not that I'm saying your descriptions are bad or anything, I just mean that too much of any good thing all at once might backfire on you.

Besides that, when Drake and co were abruptly assaulted by the shadow wolves, I felt that the whole thing was a bit rushed. I understand that you're trying to inject the element of surprise, but everything seemed to move too fast in terms of pacing. I would suggest splashing some drama into the mix. For example, you could describe everyone's feelings. Were they surprised? Or frightened? Or infuriated? Or an amalgamation of all three? Furthermore, you could also refrain from revealing their assailants straight off the bat. Describe them as moving shadows, implant the seed of doubt in the heroes, make them wonder what exactly was happening.

Remember, that particular scene is one of significance because it's the highlight of your chapter, so do your best to milk the drama.

On a more positive note, I think you've produced a very solid chapter. There was a distinct flow and I knew where the characters were heading. The addition of the three heroes of the previous war was superb, it definitely got me excited, especially since you mentioned the 3 generals prior to this chapter. And I really liked their names. All 3 of their names seemed to fit them very well. Keep up the good work!

< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 4/14/2013 21:52:11 >
AQ  Post #: 4
4/15/2013 21:34:29   
deathlord45
Member

Made the corrections and edited the decriptions of the heroes clothing and the encounter with the shadow wolves. Also Throth(the fourth member of Strath's original group) will show up in the story but not for a while at least. Also chapter 4 is up and some 'new' faces show up. The next chapter(number 5) has a big reveal on some of the background on Drake and Terra as well as on Strath and Tesera.

< Message edited by deathlord45 -- 4/15/2013 21:35:05 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 5
5/9/2013 19:48:24   
deathlord45
Member

There are updates to the story.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 6
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> A Broken fate Discussion
Jump to:






Icon Legend
New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

"AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.
PRIVACY POLICY


Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition