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(AQ) The epic of Paul The First

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2/4/2015 20:42:25   

Its my second attempt of a fanfiction while my first went pretty well I got bored of it and left it.

< Message edited by dragon_monster -- 11/28/2016 22:03:58 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 1
11/28/2016 22:05:15   

So 3 chapters finished this is a personal record who knows maybe I will surpass it give me your feedback if you want.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 2
11/30/2016 9:19:54   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


Paul started <> poor farmer in the kingdom of Rend who lived in small farming community who found life very boring but quite stable.

out as a, Rennd, <You are repeating yourself here, alternating makes for a more enjoyable read>


Then one night everything changed <> a nest <> vampires who ran from Darkovia found the the small community and attacked.

when, coming


The villager including Paul knew how to fight since they had to protect their crops from all kinds of beasts and managed to put a good fight at first Paul himself managed to slay about 4 vampires but the nest was big and for every vampire slain 4 took its place he knew right then that this was the end of him and the community but in that moment he felt more alive then ever and griped his sword and with a smile on his face and with a feeling of happiness he went on the attack and managed to slay 7 more vampires and hurt a lot more of them slashing and trusting trough them like crazy.

villagers, than, gripped, offensive, through

I would personally recommend chopping this sentence up as it feels very long.


The vampire nest felt threatened and was even pushed back by the ferocity Paul had <> until the nest leader made his appearance and in that moment Paul saw him he attacked but this was not a average vampire this was a vampire lord who with lighting flash speed grabbed the neck of the young farmer strangling him and hitting the ground with him.

displayed/shown, the, an, lightning

I take it for the last part you mean to say that he was hitting "him against the ground"?


After half of hour of being beaten mercilessly the Vampire lord showed Paul the dead and drained bodies of his neighbors and then with one more hit on the ground Paul lost conscience.

an, against


A couple of hours later Paul woke up beaten and injured but alive<> for some reason the vampire lord spared him, a mistake he said to himself, the vampire will pay for this later as the injured former farmer raised himself up took his remaining possessions and went in the direction of Battleon<> the city of adventures<> and the best place for him to improve his skills.

<I would end the sentence here.>, gathering, ",", "," (Not sure if that is clear, but I mean that for the last two <> places to use a comma.

In terms of story, where exactly do you imagine this village to be located? I am asking because the lay of the land in AdventureQuest is vaguely understood at best when it comes to the Western Expanse and perhaps there is room for an explanation as to why Paul would make such a dangerous journey as opposed to trying to join the Pria Knights?

So let me know if you found this feedback to be helpful.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 3
12/1/2016 13:41:04   

The feedback is quite helpful so about the hitting the ground with him its more like making a hole by slamming him on the ground so in a way hurting the ground. That is what I wanted to convey. I will edit the rest soon.

Why not Pria Knights? Well in the game at least they only accept skilled fighters in their ranks while the protagonist is not terrible he is not yet at the level needed to join the knights. Its more clear in the later chapters also their not really committed on fighting the forces of Darkovia proof that the village was not defended their also focused on another enemy.

< Message edited by dragon_monster -- 12/2/2016 6:46:35 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 4
2/27/2017 15:33:52   

Chapter 4:The way of the berserk is finished.
I have question for you all I need a player with a high level character 135+ to allow me to use his character in my next chapter. I promise he will do only badass things.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 5
5/13/2017 7:50:41   

Chapter 5:Workings of the World is finished next we are gonna change protagonists.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 6
8/14/2018 12:53:52   
Beshin Adin

Your grammar could certainly use a bit of work.........I'm reading your story. It's just tough with all the punctuation errors

Alright, I've crawled through 3 chapters. The story's good, but the grammar and punctuation are taxing on the eyes and brain

If I may, here's some things from my story that may tickle the imagination. I'll add more as I read more

- Mention the character's age or age group. It'll make it easier to imagine the character.
- Give descriptions to original characters. In my story, it got easier when I mentioned my main charactter was the twin of an AQW NPC
- I only finished Chapter 5 right now, but Im not seeing any budding romances. Romance gives a hero's story some flavor.

< Message edited by Beshin Adin -- 8/16/2018 11:58:40 >
AQ AQW  Post #: 7
9/3/2018 14:11:48   

Thanks for reading. Well the grammar the grammar will be improved in an lot of time. Really I read everything 5 times and still miss stuff. Its something I have an problem with. But when I finish this story I will spend the time to clear grammar errors. I will try for the punctuation ones also but those are tricky.

About the age thing look in AQ there are people that are ancient like thousands of years old and look in their 20's. My point is age groups do not help in helping imagine an character in this setting.

Romance is hard to do decent and I am not ready for it yet.

I gave descriptions for my 2 protagonists. Less for the former farmer one and more for the vampire one.
First one is not that special sure he has powerful ancestors but lets be fair everyone has. If everyone has you are not that special.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 8
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