Lorekeeper
And Pun-isher
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Utgard, Loco! April Fools 2021 The scene opens with Aria and Hans in the pet shop. Aria: That's everything packed up for me. I know we've cancelled three times already, we've been getting sidetracked all year... But this is big. Literally. Hans: Hey, don't worry about it. If it's important to you, it's important to me. We'll find the time when we're back. And <<You>> is free to help, so I'm sure things will go smoothly. We just have to hope it's nothing bad, and stop it if it is. The player character enters. <<You>>: Sorry I took so long, I got caught up looking for gogg tracks. Hans: ...Gogg tracks near the pet shop? How would a gogg sneak past the whole town? <<You>>: ...Better safe than sorry, I guess. Don't mind me. Let's start over: Hey, you two. Can you fill me in on this long trip you need help with? Aria: Hi, <<You>>! Hans caught a few adventurers swapping rumors of a huge castle appearing out of nowhere, northwest along the river. Too big even for frost giants. But the part that worries me is where it is. Aria: I know the exact place they were describing. It's where I go with Robina to release rehabilitated wolves. The packs barely recovered from Absolix setting up nearby, so I need to check it out before poachers hear about it. <<You>>: Calling me might not be the safest bet this time of year, with a certain demigod out to get me, but I understand the need for discretion. <<You>>: It doesn't sound like it's an overt threat, at least for now. If we're going to scout it out, we should at least figure out if this castle really just appeared there or if it was under some sort of concealment magic. Hans: If it was there for a long time, they haven't gone out much. You'd think a place like that would need some serious supplies. Either they're not big on hunting in their surroundings, or it really is new. Aria: That's what I was wondering. If it was already there, the occupants were already leaving the wildlife alone so far. If it's new, well, all the more reason to check before someone causes trouble. <<You>>: Good thinking, both of you. I'll get ready to leave right away. FOUR BATTLES: Bandits, general ice mobs, excluding wolves. Aria, Hans and the player character are traveling through a trail in the tundra towards a distant castle. Aria: It doesn't look like anyone's gone too crazy over this story. Maybe it's the snow along the road, but I haven't seen any recent tracks. I thought we might have gone off course, but it's just some hills that look different. <<You>>: We ARE a little behind our time, though. Stupid bandits. We'd better pick out a shelter before it gets even colder. Hans: I think there's a good enough cave over there. That reminds me, though, why do bandits still think they can take on YOU? Not to suck up, but... come on, they have to know they can't win. <<You>>: It's a little baffling, yeah, but they're not out to win. They just need to distract someone with thugs long enough for a sneakier one to snag the loot. It's all about the element of... Loco appears. Loco: SURPRISE! Hans: Oh no. <<You>>: ...I knew it. Of course you were just waiting for an entrance. Loco: You were taking WAY too long to stop being boring. Now then, I have too many years of payback racked up, and you're about to call it usury... Because Papa Loco charges some SERIOUS interest, kids! Loco: ...Wait. Waaait. This is... Oh horseknuckles, we're HERE? That's way too close to that know-it-all's house, now he's going to know I'm here... Why would you come here? This ruins EVERYTHING! Again! Hans: If this place is bad news to you, it sounds like a good place for us to be. Loco: Oh, you sweet summer hammered-head snark. See that castle? That's bad news for ANYONE with a sense of humor, and I'd like to imagine that even YOU lot aren't COMPLETELY boring. I'd have to fix that. Aria: It does freak me out a little that even a demigod is scared of that castle, but unless we're about to take Loco's word for something... we still have to make sure it's not messing up the reserve. Loco: SCARED? I could turn that place upside down and show Humbug-gard who's boss in a hundred different ways. Ninety-three of which he wouldn't see coming. ...if you give me some prep time. About a year. <<You>>: ...Right. What I'm getting out of this is all this failure is starting to weaken you, so you can't be sure that any tricks you pull, even on US, would slip by the lord of the castle. You have some history with them. Loco: No. Maybe. Look, rule #1 of being the prank god is... Actually, I'm breaking that rule right now. Rule II is that there are no rules I won't twist to my favor, so be careful what you wish for. Rule C is know your audience! Loco: So maybe I spent a little too much prank sauce last year. Thanks for that, by the way. MAYBE there are a few people I only hit with my best material, so they don't get too big for their boots... No, you know what? Loco: I don't need to explain myself. I get front row seats to watch YOU have to deal with that. So go on with your little trip. I'll even let you set up camp this one time, but you'll owe me. Aria: No wonder you don't have temples nowadays... Resting inside a cave, the party is woken up in the darkby tremors and rumbling sounds. Hans: An earthquake?! Hold on to something! Aria: Aaah! Hans: I've got you! ... OOF. My funny bone... OW. My funny EVERYTHING. <<You>>: I can't see the exit! Wait, what's been brushing up against me- The scene opens with dim lighting and the lamp lighting beside Aria and Hans, then the Chosen enters. Aria: It finally settled... A mass of hairy tendrils rises from the right. Hans: What in SPACE is that thing?! MINIBOSS BATTLE: Dark Tendrils? The "tendrils" retreat, revealing an opening to the outside. The group exits back onto the snow. Aria: We're clear! Keep running, just in case... Uh. Whoa. An enormous giant pokes his head in from the top right. ???: Oh, greetings. Are you all well? I dropped my hat earlier today, I didn't notice someone had gotten into it until I fell asleep. Hans: ...We were getting rolled around inside your hat? Sykmir: So it seems. I just figured the blasted thing was getting itchy. <<You>>: ...Itchy? I've been laying into your head like there was no tomorrow, it looked like some sort of wool monster or hairy tentacle beast. If I'd gotten any more serious, I could have seriously hurt you! Sykmir: More serious? That was serious at all? Hoho, aren't we a confident one. I assume that you're camping on the way to Utgard's keep? It's a lot closer than where I picked you up from, but here's a word of advice... Sykmir: I'd leave that attitude at the door if I were you. Pride won't do you any favors with the lord nor guests of that castle. Utgard is much bigger and tougher than yours truly, after all. Sykmir's head withdraws, and the screen shakes a few times while giant footsteps are heard departing. Loco appears. <<You>>: I can't believe I'm going to say this, but where have YOU been? Loco: Watching! So, you're done cruising around with that snoring beardo? You're not as committed to your flea impression as I expected. That's going to look bad on your audition. <<You>>: I swear, if you're behind this... Loco: Oh, give me more credit. Where was the pizzazz in *that*? Anyways, are you giving up yet? There's still time to have a proper Day of Fools, but you're free to keep entertaining me. Aria: Absolutely not. This is too important to give up just because we had a weird experience with a weirder giant. <<You>>: You heard the lady. Besides, if something being that odd was enough to deter me... You'd have gotten the better of me long ago. Loco: Touché. ... ... HEY! FOUR BATTLES: Ice creatures, full heal every two. The party and Loco approach the entrance of a giant castle. Hans: Sykmir really wasn't kidding... Uh, should we knock? <<You>>: I think I saw a knocker on the way, but... Yeah, that's not worth the attempt. I'll take point, we can back out if things look bad in there. The Chosen slides between the doors, followed by Aria and Hans. Loco lingers. Loco: This is going to suck. At least it's probably going to suck more for them than it is for me. Aria, Hans, Loco and the player character enter a throne room, ending up before the feet of another giant. Hans: ... Don't get stepped on, don't get stepped on... <<You>>: Okay, this is going to hurt my throat. HELLO?! WE'RE DOWN HERE! Utgard: I can hear you, tiny ones. Nothing within my throne room escapes my ears. What is the reason for your intrusion upon my halls? Aria: I'm here to make sure the wolves I've been releasing on these lands aren't in any danger because of your castle's sudden appearance. Hans: I'm here to help her. <<You>>: Same here. Just keeping those two out of trouble. Utgard: Boldly spoken, and truthfully at that. You deserve an answer. However, a peaceful purpose is suspicious when in the company of an oddly passive Prince of Thieves. What say you, Loco? Loco: You've been eating your protein, Utgard. Could've sworn you were a little smaller. Don't mind me, we can have a nice chin-wag and catch up tomorrow. And by 'tomorrow' I mean next year. Loco: I don't often get to be the audience when someone is getting played. Usually it's unbelievably BORING, but I can always make everyone regret failing to entertain me. Loco: And it will help to learn how a certain fire catches here... or doesn't, that would be just as insightful for dealing with some pranks and power thieves... Utgard: Tiny ones, your misfortune is great. Both for witnessing the usually boisterous God of Fortune at his most destitute, and for what will doubtless befall you for having seen him at his meekest. Closeup on Utgard's blue face, showing all-white eyes and red hair/beard. Utgard: Come morning, you may see for yourselves that I allow no harm to come upon the minuscule wildlife of this land. The only hunting these halls entertain is that of far greater beasts than mere wolves. Utgard: However, the privilege of a night's stay in this castle is only given to those who perform a feat worthy of my hospitality. What skill would you have our bards sing of, small ones? The view returns to the group while the hero replies. <<You>>: ...I'm not much for being talked down to, even if it's kind of literal... Well, I'm a pretty experienced adventurer, and I've taken on many great threats. Closeup on Utgard's face for one line: Utgard: Lest we organize an entire contest on a mere claim... A combat trial will do. Few here are weak enough to fairly test you... You may entertain yourself with castle vermin while I find someone of your category. TWO BATTLES: Beasts of all kinds, with a bias for tough enemies and ice creatures. Full heal. From this point onward, all combat takes place in the duel pit scene, interspersed with the other scenes. The scene resumes with everyone but the player character in front of Utgard. Utgard: While your champion is humored... God of Fortune, I abide no mere observers. What contest of wits or trickery would you dare to bring to my presence this time? Loco: Oh, no. This player is done being played. Just this once, I'm along for the ride. So point me at the food and I'll just empty your stores while watching these numbskulls fall on their faces. Utgard: So be it. Logi, a challenger has arrived. Let twin feasts be prepared for each. The fastest and most prodigious eater shall be the victor. The scene cuts to a giant banquet table, atop which Loco stands next to a simple looking man named Logi. Checkpoint. Loco: That's it? You're putting me in an eating contest with this kid? Your loss. Logi: Don't let your food get cold, prank god. TWO BATTLES: Ice Dragon (2), Gogg (3, full power), then full heal. Back to the banquet table scene, close up on loco with his plates empty. Loco: *BURP* Done. Beat that, kiddo! Zoom out to the full table, with Logi's side completely burnt away. Logi: Are you going to finish that? Loco: ...You're going on the list. Back before Utgard, Aria and Hans wait their turn. Utgard: And you, young man? What feat shall you perform? Hans: ...I don't think you have a forge I can work with, so... Well, I've become a pretty fast runner over the years. Checkpoint. Utgard: Ah, a most underappreciated talent. It would be a fine feat among great hunters. However, you had best be a truly great runner, boy. TWO BATTLES: 1.5 Power Roc, Hydra (power:1) with Celerity. Full heal. As the player battles, Hans is shown hunched over and panting. A man named Hugi repeatedly runs past him from each side while calling out: Hugi: On your right! Hugi: On your left! Back before Utgard, only Aria remains. Utgard: Only you are left untested, miss. How do you wish to prove yourself? Aria: I don't. I'm here to check on the wolves, not get dragged into games. You already said that you'd show me that the wolves are safe, and we can find another shelter, so I don't have anything to win here. Utgard: Hm. Clever. Utgard regards the player character at the dueling pit. Utgard: Thank you for your patience. Hopefully that light entertainment was enough to keep you awake while you waited -- it would seem that only one of my guests considered your challenge. My nurse, Elli. <<You>>: "Light entertainment" my bruised pinky toenail-- Wait, your *what*? Elli, a kindly looking granny clutching her cloak, enters the duel pit. Elli: Oh my, Utgard has found himself another rascal. I'll happily wrestle with you, my dear, but do forgive me if I take it slow, yes? You don't look like you're eating well, and I would feel terrible if you broke any bones. <<You>>: ...Am I being pranked after all? I mean, I know better than to judge a book by its cover, but this is pushing it. Utgard: Regard your opponent with honor and respect, adventurer. This is your one chance to prove your mettle. Checkpoint. Elli: I hope you've done your stretches, honey. BOSS BATTLE: Elli. Elli takes off her cloak to reveal a wrestling outfit. Everyone gathers at the castle interior. Utgard: That was an... interesting showing. Tell me, small ones, how would you say you have fared? Loco (At the same time as the last line): I'm going to replace your entire afterlife with bees. Hans: *huff* *huff* I've never seen someone run so fast... <<You>>: This does NOT conform to my reputation... Aria: It was a little funny, but I'd like to get back on track now. Utgard: ...That would be good. You may at least dine here as recognition for your efforts, but... yes, it would be best to get... "back on track". I shall see you out myself. Back at the spot where the party was Sykmir, everyone is on the scene from the start, the party stands next to Utgard's feet. The same place that priorly looks pristine seems like it has been recently torn up by battle damage. Utgard: As you can see, my magic keeps undue attention away from the packs. Along with your own attention, it is because of me that neither brigands nor the menaces of the Far West reach these shores. Utgard: Now then, I believe the gig is very much 'up'. <<You>>: ...The 'gig'? I didn't notice any trickery, but... is that why Loco was being... Loco: Harrumph. <<You>>: ...Yeah. That. Utgard: I have been luring you into my illusions from the start, hoping to impart a lesson in humility. Had I the slightest idea of what I would witness, though.... If I never see any of you again, it will be too soon. Hans: ...What are you talking about? This has been going terribly from the start. Utgard: Yes, yes it has. FOR ME. I was Sykmir all along, and this is where I dropped you off. Look at this destruction! You weren't struggling to hurt my head, you almost killed me several times! Utgard: And I should have known better than to test a demipower! Even when being so disturbingly merciful, you nearly proved more voracious than the manifestation of wildfire itself! Utgard: This young man took a while to get tired while racing against THOUGHT. I frankly don't want to imagine what could inspire a man to learn to flee in that manner. Utgard: You, young lady, are not only able to walk amongst entire packs of wolves, but saw through ME! AND YOU! You held out against AGE. Don't even act surprised, I will not be insulted with false modesty. Utgard: Anyone who can hold out against the ravages of time incarnated is someone I want to be far away from. Whatever your fate has in store that's so much worse than decay, I want NO part in it. Utgard: So have a safe, and FAST, journey home. Just forget about the castle, and don't even bother trying to find me. Goodbye! Utgard disappears. Loco: ...Yeah. I knew all along. I sure showed him. Question me at your own peril, etcetera... I'm... I'm just going to prank the compulsively costumed leprechaun to get SOMETHING done in the minutes I've left. Loco disappears. <<You>>: Whatever in the world just happened...I'm perfectly happy with pretending it never did. "Utgard" is shown speaking on his own, visibly panicking as his name is revealed to be Kéanos. Kéanos Great. Just... just great. You've really gone and done it now, Kéanos. Talk about overcommitting to a setup. A lesson in humility?! Well, SOMEONE learned one! Gah! Kéanos There's something wrong with these people... A millenia-old method of illusion and they just... Gah! They shouldn't even have a clue! ENTIRE ARMIES, with capable magi, couldn't even tell there WAS an illusion! Kéanos What do they even FEED this generation?! Ley lines?! I knew I shouldn't have fallen into the fashion of testing the younger mortals. They were even rubbing it in my face by playing clueless! Okay, breathe... Kéanos And, AND, the God of Fortune showing restraint! He was setting me up for something even bigger! I don't think anywhere is safe anymore, it's high time to follow the Walker's example... Fade to black.
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