Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Crimz's Workz: Visions+more [Has character pics|Updated 9/5] (10/13/2008 15:49:02)
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Hi! OK, since you're holding the revisions a bit longer, here are my comments for chapter 5. Good job with the first part! I liked the setting, the background-story and how Wallace showed emotion. I think you could still improve it further by deepening the emotions and bringing them into the character's movements as well, and using more expressive verbs than 'to be', especially when describing the setting or the character's attire and weapons. The second part felt quite like fast cuts in an action movie. Like you intended? It's an interesting stylistic choice, and worth experimenting, just warning for you not to overuse it since it can really make the text feel pretty choppy. Perhaps you could fuse the both scenes with Ryan & co together to reduce the number of scenes? Imo, you did slightly overuse 'was' in these scenes as well. Now to line to line suggestions, noted typos, etc... 1)quote:
Seeing this a moment for his recognition, Vincent pointed to himself with his right thumb, full of confidence of pride. Lol, he's almost bursting with it... Anyways, that structure with two instances of 'of' feels a tad cumbersome, imo. How about: 'full of confidence and pride?' 2)quote:
Vincent’s pride left him very vulnerable, even a quick attack on his feelings could shatter him. Vincent remained silent, stricken by fear, not knowing what to say next. I'm suspecting that the comma should be a semi-colon, since you're elaborating. Also, imo, that second instance of 'Vincent' would be better as 'He' or 'The young officer', etc, since that name gets repeated quite a lot in that paragraph and there isn't much you can do to remove it from the other places, since they are in quotes. 3)quote:
It poured millions of raindrops. The water that fell from the heavens mixed with the spilled blood, creating pools of red. a) The entire green hills were scarred with crimson; such a painful sight could even melt the hearts of those who had no sympathy at all. Stench haunted the area. Under the dark clouds, ignoring the impact brought by the precipitation, were b) four men. Two of which were low ranking officials, two young men at around their twenties or late teens, restraining the third. Their arms were b) gripped around his, and their feet stepped on their prisoner’s legs as he was b) forced to kneel. The third man’s upper body was protected by a golden armor; a portion of his helmet was crushed, not anymore resembling the head of a chaotic dragon. His torso’s and legs’ armor were stripped off. c) Now, I love the scene you've described here, but I think you should bring it further from the passive voice you've hid it behind and by employing the text with even stronger effect you could achieve by changing some of those 'were's to more describing verbs. Some suggestions for you to consider: a) Eliminate the passive voice from the beginning and combine with the next sentence to give it more impact: 'Millions of raindrops poured from the heavens, mixing with spilled blood, and creating pools of red.' I think you need to eliminate that 'the' in front of 'spilled blood', either way since it's the first time you mention the blood. b) Possible places to exterminate the 'were's: 'Under the dark clouds, ignoring the impact brought by the precipitation, stood/subsisted four men.' (I know, they don't all stand, since one of them is on his knees, but I still think it reads better than just 'were'. Also, since the rain is so heavy, I think you could also use a bit more overexaggarating verb 'subsist', if you want to.) 'Their arms gripped around his, their feet stepped on their prisoner’s legs, and thus forced him to kneel. ' c) The last sentence seems a bit contradictory since the previous one stated that the golden armor still protected his upper body, whereas here the armor is removed from his torso? 4)quote:
Hid thumb, being positioned at the other side of the handle, slowly slid across the diagonal bottom end of his blade. A typo? 'His' 5)quote:
A young brunet, traversed down from a small forest path, leading to his village. Do you really need those commas in this sentence? 6)quote:
The young man observed that half of the town was but ashes, charred remains. Imo, '...was but ashes and charred remains' would flow better here. Or you could change the verb to 'half of town lay in ashes and charred remains' if you like to. 7)quote:
“Hehe, I guess I’m not the only who who’s still a boy.” Unintentional duplicate, I assume. 8)quote:
But despite the pain, he decided to go on, telling himself that he will kill himself if he fails to meet up with Helen. A mix-up with tenses? Since 'decided' is in past tense, I suspect that 'would' and 'failed' would be the correct forms for the consequent verbs. 9)quote:
Taking a short break, recovering from the fatigue, he leaned on a tree. To express that to recover is his motive for the break-taking, I think this should be: 'Taking a short break to recover from the fatigue, he...' 10)quote:
“Yeah. So, umm… how’s it been?” Imo, this line doesn't suit the scene at all. It's way too...light and informal for Wallace to say something like that after launching on the mission to rescue her. So, how about: 'Yes, it's me...Are you OK/ badly hurt?' Would sound more caring, imo. 11)quote:
“Hurry,” the knight impatiently commanded as he gave Helen a kick with his knee. His strength pushed her to ground, scratching her arms and face with the rough terrain. Hmm, a suggestion: 'The impact pushed her...' I feel the impact would fit better here, because he kicked her, which is a brief contact, not using his strength for a longer time to persistently push her until she's on the ground. 12)quote:
Her lower arms and sleeves were wet with mud, giving it a brown stain. 'them,' I believe, since you have the arms in plural form. 13)quote:
She could feel the cold dew of the grass, a cold saying that death was near. Might I suggest you eliminate that repetition of 'cold' by rewording, for example: 'She could feel the cold dew on the grass, telling her death was near.' Your call, as always! 14)quote:
Even without seeing the man’s face, he knew that underneath that wicked helmet was a wicked man. Another suggestion: since Wallace is excusing him of treating the girl roughly, he might think him a coward, and therefore, the verb 'hid', would fit splendidly here, imo. 15)quote:
The younger knight leapt four feet high on the air and aimed for Lancelot’s crown. 'in the air'? 16)quote:
“It’s over boy.” Lancelot was about to strike, aiming for Wallace’s Adam’s apple, but halted by Helen’s struggling voice. I suspect you need a comma between 'over' and 'boy'. 17)spoiler:
It only took a matter of time for me to realize that you were using her to find Excalibur. Putting this quote in spoiler-tags, just in case... 'a matter of time?' How about 'a matter of seconds?' 18)quote:
The weapon which his hands clutched onto started to vanish, as if it were burning, slowly fading from side to the other. A word missing? 'from one side' 19)quote:
“I can’t give up. And I won’t, for Helen’ sake!” Wallace rose with his strength. Hmm, somehow, 'newly-found strength' might fit better here than plain 'his', imo. I mean, how could he rise without his strength? 20)spoiler:
From the distance, he heard the girl screaming, using every last piece of her breath. But the sound did not fade into silence. Instead, the high volume of her voice was immediately cut, making Wallace think the worst. I suggest that you switch the bolded words. Otherwise, it now looks as is Lancelot heard her from the distance, which doesn't make that much sense. 21)quote:
Not only were the pierces deep enough to harm him, but Wallace had to heal his wound, leaving him very open to another attack. Just a suggestion for the bolded part, since that 'very open' sounds a bit odd to me: 'leaving his defences wide open to another attack' Also, 'wounds' in plural since there were multiple pierces? 22)quote:
These illusions were somewhat real; they can inflict pain and make contact with what was real, but were extremely fragile. Not sure about that tense... 'could'? 23)quote:
Opposite their column was where Ryan and Jhenine sat. Cumbersome way to put it, imho. Why not: 'Opposite their column sat Ryan and Jhenine.' 24)quote:
“So, all we have to head for the Northern region? I think this should either be 'So, all we have to do is to head...' or 'So, we have to head....' 25)quote:
Between the two adults was a small candle, accompanied by a vase holding a pair of yellow roses. A suggestion for you to consider: 'flickered' More athmospheric, imho 26)quote:
Stuffed with rare and expensive wind dragon feathers, the seats were as soft and comfy as a cushion, for the couple, that is. “…And that was how I got back at Ryan for his April Fools trick on me.” I'd suggest you'd split the paragraph around the bolded part. 27)quote:
“It’s okay. I’ll wait,” replied Blake, holding her hands deeply. Uhm...is this my insufficient English.... How does one hold hands 'deeply'? I think 'passionately', 'tenderly', etc adverb would be more fitting here. Returning for chapter 6 later!
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