Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Crimz's Workz: Visions+more [Has character pics|Updated 11/30] (12/29/2008 18:38:08)
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Hi! After being too busy, too lazy when not too busy, too sick when neither of the above, or just too far abroad, usw, I'm finally here to comment the last post of Chapter 3. I hope I'll make any sense... General comments first. I think the fight (and the whole scene!) has been definitely improved. I had no trouble reading it, it was way clearer, and the actions and reactions played better. It could do with a little more retouching, though, as there's one info-dumpish moment that drains some of the suspense -- it's the passage where you explain about the Vision's life force draining effects in the middle of the fight, more on that in the details-list. I also liked the way you had fleshed out the transition from eating to the actual fight and how you now introduce Ryan's sister. Well done! About the new scene. I'm happy that Danielle and Jhenine got an active, crucial role in a fight. However, I'm wondering why did the Nidhogg attack? Also, I peeked at the beginning of chapter 4 and found no clear transition from the fight to that. Adding a new scene must have its transitions correct, imho. You have the intro in its place with the garden and all, but I think you need a longer outro than just carrying Danielle away. This could be done with, for example, the five going into the house, most of them tired but relieved, Lanceler carrying Danielle while Jhenine shoots glances at the somewhat damaged garden. Anyways, to the suggestions on details, rewordings, typos, etc. 1)quote:
Lanceler analyzed the situation. Losing would make him lose his ‘right to brag’ but winning would just make things more difficult for his companions. If you want to get rid of that repetition, this suggestion might work: 'Losing would cost him his 'right to brag,' but winning....' 2)quote:
After wiping his mouth with a white cloth that was served with the silverware, Lanceler rose as he grabbed a wooden rook from his pocket. I've got two opinions I have to blurt out about this sentence. Firstly, with so many different timings of events put into the same sentence makes this a bit hard to follow. You have Lanceler getting up /after/ the meal with reference to something that /was served/ earlier and then the getting up happens at the same time he grabs the rook. I'd recommend replacing 'as' with 'and' -> After finishing, he rose and grabbed. Secondly, I know it's a matter of opinion, but I think that writing directly 'serviette' would do a better job here, as the long way you're saying the same thing now makes it seem like you're explaining what is a serviette instead of just describing Lanceler's actions as he stood up. If you want to keep the silverware in it, you could present the serviette and the silverware as a set. Here's a suggestion: 'After wiping his mouth with a serviette matching the white silverware, Lanceler rose and grabbed a wooden rook from his pocket.' 3)Quoteless note on the same paragraph: you could replace the instances of 'Lanceler' with 'he' in the sentences following the above, as his name gets repeated very often in that paragraph. 4)quote:
In Ethan’s point of view, Lanceler was taunting him. Not 100% sure, but I suspect that preposition should be 'From' 5)quote:
“I remember the time a trio of outlaws who raided the town with a handgun that turned into a field gun.” An editing mishap? This doesn't make grammatical sense. I think you need to ditch the 'who' or rephrase this even a tiny bit further with adding 'when': ''I remember the time when a trio of outlaws raided the town...' 6)quote:
The fact that his voice was lifeless and uninterested to continue the conversation shooed the vested man away. Not sure if this much bending of grammar works as I now read it as if the voice was uninterested. Maybe you could consider rephrasing? A suggestion for that: 'The fact that his voice was lifeless and showed his reluctance to continue...' 7)quote:
Opening it, he searched between his numerous 1000-Saphron bills, looking for a small amount to give as a tip. Another nitpicky opinion, sorry =P. Since the amount has no following noun to clearly state what it refers to, I erraneously connected it with the 1000-Saphron bills... yeah, sometimes my reading doesn't make too much sense...=P Anyway, I'm gonna suggest rewording: '...looking for some change to give..' '...looking for some loose money to give...' '...looking for smaller ones to give...' 8)quote:
Ryan’s father, a man with a muscular build, held his son Ryan, who was three at that time, on his right shoulder. I suspect the tense should be 'had been' 9)quote:
Ryan slammed a 500-Saphron bill on the table, and dragged his legs as he attempted to exit. He did manage to exit at the end, didn't he? So this wasn't just an attempt. Suggestions for rewording: '..as he headed for the exit' '..as he attempted a quick exit' 10)quote:
Ryan’s father, a man known for having enough to support his campaign, was obviously wealthy. Is there something missing in there? 'enough money to'? Also, I suspect the tense should be 'had been'? 11)quote:
People suspect his ghost to be the reason for this. A typo? 'suspected' 12)quote:
However, when Ryan, the prosperous man’s son, was caught excavating there, accompanied by Lanceler, the former mine workers returned, thinking that it was a good sign. But instead of finding gold, they caused a flood of oil. Suspecting the tenses again... Repeating the 'had' too often might give the reader a headache, as Firefly once warned me, though. I suggest keeping the first bolded part as it is and editing the latter to 'had returned' 13)quote:
Without waiting for his other companion, Lanceler and Ethan exchanged intimidating stares. This causes a mixup with the subject as Lanceler and Ethan would require their instead of his, but since 'the other companion' is not Ethan's companion, that would be also faulty. I think this could be edited to: 'Without waiting for the impaired companion, Lanceler and Ethan...' (a tongue-in-the-cheek-suggestion would be 'without waiting for the lagging Ryan' =P) 14)quote:
After giving each other a quick but slightly mocking bow, they two faced opposite directions. Just a typo. 'the' 15)quote:
“Two,” continued the older blond. Rubbing his boots on the sand, Ethan watched the wind’s direction as its whisper piloted the dusts’ movement. I believe 'dust' is an uncountable noun, thus, no plural-> dust's 16)quote:
Hearing the combined sound of the two gunshots, the people from the saloon watched the duel through the windows. Just a suggestion on adding more movement to this: 'Hearing the combined sound of the two gunshots, the people in the saloon rushed to the windows to catch a glimpse of the duel.' 17)quote:
Tolerating the flavor, and enjoying the stress-releasing sensation, the man lifted his legs and landed them on the table as he ignored the starting show. Imho, 'to tolerate' and 'to enjoy' are two almost contradicting emotive verbs, so I would not connect them with 'and'. So might I suggest yet another rewording? 'Barely tolerating the flavor, but enjoying the stress-releasing sensation... ' 18)quote:
Jumping and aiming for Ethan’s head, Lanceler’s attack was [by]blocked a stone wall that emerged from the ground. I think you're missing 'by' there. 19)quote:
When a trio of outlaws plagued the town, Ethan stood amongst the crowd. Since the sheriff already mentioned them, that article should be 'the'. Also, I'm pretty certain that the right tense would be 'had plagued' 20)quote:
“Guess again,” replied Lanceler. With a snap of his fingers, Lanceler appeared behind Ethan. Attempting to stab him, his attack was again blocked by a stole wall. I don't think you need to repeat his name so quickly, so how about replacing that with 'he'? And there's a typo: 'stone' 21)quote:
“How’d he do that?” Ryan questioned. Taking hold of the golden stone his necklace held, Ryan tightened his grip. As above, I think this could be replaced. 22)quote:
Snapping his finger again, his perspective of time completely stopped. A typo? 'fingers' would sound more natural in plural, imo. Also, I think the ending of the sentence would flow better with reversing the word order: 'his perspective of time stopped completely' 23)quote:
Having the element of space in his possession, Lanceler possessed the ability to stop time, pass through objects and people, and swap places with the matter occupying his new position when time resumes. There were a few flaws with his power though. Stopping everything in time, with himself as an exemption, he cannot breathe. He also cannot damage his foe for he would’ve just passed through him. Technically, his power was only to gain a positional advantage. But one weakness that all elements shared was that it drains one’s life force temporarily. The ability to control one of the universe’s cosmetic powers cursed the user to lessen his body’s hold on his essence, or the thing which people called the ‘soul’. Excessive use of an element could kill its user. Life force would usually regenerate in seconds, but harder feats would still drain ones life force significantly. Typos: 'resumed' and 'exception' Also, the tenses seem to fluctuate; I think you need to change 'cannot'->'could not' OK, this is the slightly infodumpish paragraph, imo. Mainly this is because it's in the middle of a fight and it cuts apart the action. How much that is seem as a flaw is, of course, a variable of personal preferences. I don't know if there's an easy way to disperse and merge this better with the fighting itself. One possible trick to make this sound less explaining might be rewording the sentences to make them present the effects as Lanceler would experience them instead of stating what the effects are. This is just a minor edit, but might be a tad more 'experiencing' than 'explaining': 'Having the element of space in his possession, Lanceler possessed the ability to stop time, pass through objects and people, and swap places with the matter occupying his new position when time resumed. But he had to keep the restrictions of his power in mind. He was not able to damage his foe for he would’ve just passed through him. In addition, as long as he held the time immobile, he couldn't breathe. Subjected to the feeling of suffocation under his slow perception of time, he could only use the power to gain a positional advantage over Ethan.' If you choose to do an edit similar to this, I also suggest moving the rest to a new paragraph. 24)quote:
Using that as an opportunity to attack, Lanceler charged towards his opponent, using his blade as a lance. Just an odd suggestion, to make this sound really fancy, well fancy at least in my flawed opinion, lol: 'wielding his blade like a lance.' 25)quote:
The momentum left by Lanceler’s movement caused Ethan to continue moving forward as he crashed into his own wall. Imo, the timeline gets blurry if you use 'as' here, since it makes it sound like he continued to move forward while simultaneously crashing into the wall. A suggestion for rephrasing: '...caused Ethan to continue moving forward and sent him crashing into his own wall.' 26)quote:
Thinking that he already won, Lanceler turned his back on his competitor. Imo, 'he had already won' would sound better or more according to timeline. 27)quote:
With his slow perception of time and quickened senses, everything he sees, everything he hears, everything he tastes and smells, and everything he feels took a larger amount of time, in Lanceler’s perspective, to be executed. The beginning of the sentence already tells us whose perspective is applied here, so I believe you can leave that latter part completely out. Also, check the tenses, because 'take' is in the past tense, the other verbs should also be: 'sees'->'saw' 'hears'->'heard' etc 28)quote:
Lanceler disappeared with a blink of an eye and appeared three feet above Ethan’s head. After the little dialogue between Ethan and Lanceler, a little transition wouldn't hurt here, imo. For example, it could be as simple as: 'Snorting at Ethan's little lecture, Lanceler disappeared with a blink of an eye and appeared three feet above his opponent's head.' Just a suggestion, though! 29)quote:
Realizing that this draw had turned into a freestyle type of battle, Lanceler returned his weapon back to his pocket, and recovered his shotgun. Just my opinion, but I don't think you need that of-structure there: 'a freestyle battle' is definitive enough without it. 30)quote:
He pointed his gun at him, thinking that he already won. You used this a few paragraphs earlier, so if you want to try a different wording, here's a suggestion: 'He pointed his gun at him, counting on instant victory.' or you could enhance the fact that he's repeating the mistake by: 'thinking yet again that he had already won' 31)quote:
“It’s just a twenty minute’s walk away, but feel like you’re at home when you’re there.” Just speech or is there something missing? 'but it'll feel like'? 'but you'll feel like'? 'but it feels like'? **** Scene 2 32)quote:
The rock face’s structure was like an ocean’s wave; allowing one to climb the surface, and stand on the summit as the view of a hundred miles becomes present in his eyes. It starts with the past tense ('was') as the rest of the story, so I believe 'becomes' should be 'became' 33)quote:
Staring at grass that grew from the sand, lively, blooming flowers, extravagant scarlet roses, and a small pond by the shade of the enormous tree, Lanceler widened his eyes in surprise. Imo, this needs a bit rephrasing as the verb 'grew' is now shared with the 'grass' and also with the 'pond', which is a tad confusing... 'Staring at grass that grew from the sand together with lively, blooming flowers and extravagant scarlet roses, and further surprised by a small pond situated under the shade of the enormous tree, Lanceler's eyes widened in bewilderment.' 34)quote:
The whirling sound of wind gave the group and idea of a sandstorm, yet… the sound was accompanied by a beastly roar. Imo, you don't need the 'sound' in the beginning: I believe that 'The whirling wind' is equally informative. Leaving it out would also cut the repetition as the word is used also in the next sentence. 35)quote:
Light from the gigantic ball of fire shone the silica fragments on the dragon’s skin, blinding certain angles. You lost me me here, I'm afraid... Which ball of fire? This is the first mention of it in the scene. Where did it come from? 36)quote:
Wiping the light off his face, Lanceler became a standing target for the creature. A suggestion: 'Trying to wipe' Because one cannot really wipe light away, at least not without any hightech-equipment 37)quote:
When the end was about to approach Lanceler, Death changed its course as Ethan came to the rescue. This sentence feels very odd to me in its current formulation. This is probably because, for me, 'the end' is something too abstract to be portrayed so active, as a subject. (Too active for prose at least...) A suggestion for rewording, although, you'll probably think of a better one if you choose to edit it. 'Just as Death was about to claim Lanceler, Ethan came to the rescue.' 38)quote:
More roots and thorny stems eventually arose from the sand, holding the fabled beast in place. In midst of all the action, this little detail sounds makes too slow an impression, imo. How about: 'In quick succession, even more roots and thorny stems arose from the sand....' 39)quote:
The conflagration swept across the air, inevitable as the swarm of locusts, burning the oxygen in the air as its medium. A nitpicky comment: 'exhausting the oxygen from the air' might be more exact, because the roots are burning with the aid of the oxygen. (sorry, couldn't restrain myself...=P) 40)quote:
The impact of the flames sounded similar to the Nidhogg’s glorious roar, devouring its enemy in the vivid flames. Nidhogg? As Nidhogg of Nifelheim? The serpent of Scandinavian mythology? The serpent of underworld that gnaws the tree of life, Yggdrasil? Are you comparing the sound of the flames to the original Nidhogg's voice (does it have one?) or the dragon to Nidhogg? Just asking because I doubt the serpent Nidhogg of Yggdrasil had wings... Uhm. Sorry if that list was once again a bit overwhelming. I might have gotten a bit carried away. Anyways, a lot of them were suggestions for you to consider, and you are, of course, free to discard all those that are not helpful to you. See you later!
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