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Mistermafio -> RE: Compressed Meaning/Translations C&C (2/21/2010 9:34:23)
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I've been reading some of your newer work, and I must say I really like it.
I'll give my two cents about the latest two.
Stepping back is a great poem with a great message, there is not a lot I could add to it text or message wise. Sure, there are a few lines with an odd build up, but nothing even big enough to really mention.
I would change a few small things though:
quote:
As I heaving strain to lift myself
Ascending further up this ancient tree
Until at last I reach a point
It could be just me, but I feel that line would flow just a bit better if you changed it:
As I strain to lift myself, heaving
Ascending further up this ancient tree
Until, at last, I reach a point
also note the added commas, it's not really critical to add those, but I think it does ease the reading of the poem.
quote:
To briefly rest, and in that rest, reflect
I would change the punctuation in that line a little too, just to change readability a little. Though that could be more affected by the way I read the poem then the poem itself.
To briefly rest. And in that rest reflect
On fireworks I only really have one thing to say:
quote:
Exploding they illuminate the night
That last line just doesn't feel right, the word exploding seems to be wrong for it. Though I don't dare say what would be a better alternative.
Anyway, keep up the good work
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