RE: Criticism of A path to madness (Full Version)

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Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 17:52:31)

Thxs, what do you thought of the torture, althought I should ask that to razen probably :P



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 17:53:36)

@Delex: Esmerald's story is fine, although you might want to change the context of why she is heading to Willowshire a little bit.
Perhaps something along the lines of "The poor people had no means to defend themselves and often were shunned from the inns and homes where the other civilians kept themselves sheltered from the attacks." As she currently sounds like someone who is into charity, yet who has no real reason to go to a zone of war. If she is a nurse/healer type of person, she might be. Yet that is no reason to why she goes to the front. Is she a skilled warrior, rogue or mage? Then why not join (or do something similair like) Robina's merry women who stand up against the rich and give to the monsters poor? Her reasons are rather vague at the moment.

The prince, are we talking about Drakath here? A bit clichee perhaps, but I'm sure you could twist and turn it into something completely new. He's the hero of the story and compelled to help the innocents from being slaughtered.

Motivation:
Bolsterblade = Prevent slaughter of innocents.
Esmerald = ???



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 17:59:41)

Hmm no in fact Bosterblade r motivation was to hide from Malorum, and now that he has found him, well you'll known soon, and she is more like a healer type, mixed with a charity type



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 18:07:06)

@Delex: So what is Esmerald's motivation to go to a zone of war? Is it because of the reason I said and they are the first victims in war? Is it because the rich and powerful get healed and helped first? Why is she going to a place that is under siege by a mighty dragon?



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 18:10:20)

I think it's because when she saw those guards hitting the leper she got traumatised, so she can't stand to see the weak being harmed



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 18:11:57)

@Delex: Ah, but then you should say that in your story. The weak and the powerless rather than poor people.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 18:17:35)

In the age that dragonfable is set those things go by hand, but I still changed it



Mritha -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 21:29:59)

Storyline looks good, though it feels kind of........rushed to me.
quote:

so he had to run from his natal country to never return

Did you mean native country?
quote:

but she soon fell asleep thought.

fell asleep though.


It has great potential, but I think you can go further with this chapter. :)



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/11/2011 4:25:31)

Ok, what means rushed, and in terms of history what can I do to make it better?



Mritha -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/11/2011 9:43:42)

Go deeper, add more detail. Where is Bosterblader scarred from the whips? How was Mark killed by the arrow? While they were trying to escape he was shot in the back, did he jump in front of Bosterblader and take the shot that was intended for him, or were they ambushed?




Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/11/2011 11:41:32)

I was thinking in making it bigger more detailed, but then I thoiught that was wrong, I'll fix it soon, btw how goes legacy



superjars -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/14/2011 23:10:38)

One of the things you can do to avoid making things more detailed without getting too big is to use stronger, more evocative language. To do that, we have to be really choosy about which words we use and how we use them. This may be more difficult for you, since my guess is English isn't your first language, but a good thesaurus can be the perfect tool for just these types of things.

One example from your own story: I noticed you said "tall, dark-red haired woman." That is a fine description, but it is fairly simple and doesn't evoke much to the reader beyond facts. If we instead call her a "statuesque, auburn-haired beauty" we invoke several things about her that we then don't have to discuss later and we haven't used much more verbage than your description. Always focus on quality of words over quantity of descriptions, and you'll do much better at stopping your readers from getting too bored.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/15/2011 5:27:43)

quote:

good thesaurus


Thxs but what is a good thesaurus?



superjars -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/15/2011 9:29:24)

Online, I typically use www.thesaurus.com. If you're asking what a thesaurus is, it is similar to a dictionary. Where a dictionary lists the definitions of words, a thesaurus lists synonyms (similar words) and antonyms (opposite words) for the word you are looking for.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/15/2011 12:46:00)

Thxs



Shadow Ravena -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (4/14/2011 17:36:16)

Hmm, read the story, good start, but some tips (yes I am repeating myself)
use " " marks for text so its easier to tell when a person stops/starts talking, and either quote marks or italics for thoughts.
and the rule:
quote:

No signatures in Archive threads.
from the rules.

as other have said, might want to slow the pace of the story a bit and add some details. It makes it more interesting, and helps the reader to keep up.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (4/14/2011 18:24:11)

Oh but there will be details, too many details, and I erased the signature, finished editing the first chapter



Shadow Ravena -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (4/14/2011 20:22:05)

Glad to hear of details. good, its easier to read, now if you don't mind I'll imitate nield...
quote:

It was a beutiful day in willowshire

beautiful
quote:

who had all of his ropes destroyed was famelic

might want to add a comma there
quote:

"There is no time "coughing up blood" please deliver this letter to the guardian tower"

either comma's or * around coughing up blood would be the grammatical thing (i think[;)])
quote:

Hmm it seems to be a sealed letter

comma after Hmm is usually used (adds emphases)
quote:

Hmm it seems to be a sealed letter, with the symbol of the guardians, I need to deliver this inmediately, but I can't leave this man here

forgot the quote marks, immediately
quote:

let him up

I think you mean leave him

tip in general: try to stay with one or two text sizes, it looks more professional

quote:

"So he was from willowshire, thought Bosterblader, well

quotes to end and re-start dialogue
quote:

non stop

picky grammar thing, non-stop is the correct form.
quote:

heroes", she said.

all periods, commas, etc. go in quotes (again, picky grammar thing) (this actually happens more than once, I'm too lazy to find them all)
quote:

"And who are you? if

all sentences are capitalized, even dialogue
quote:

"Well then Esmerald join us

sounds better like this: "Well, then, Esmerald join us ...
quote:

and a pint of beer?",

no need for that comma, (forget why, sorry)
quote:

she sitted in the ground.

sat on the ground.
quote:

and drinking they realaised that

realized
quote:

she and the heroes had accorded to continue in the morning

first, sentence is a run-on, second, accorded sounds weird there, might try decided
quote:

she in the other hand did go to the river to bathe

she on the other hand went to the river to bathe
quote:

Their chariot got a wheel broken and they had to stop to repair it, as soon as they got out of it, beggars and lepers started appearing to ask them for money, she was shocked, all of those people weren’t like her, some of them didn’t have meat in some parts of their bodies, one of them even said to them “Please kill me”, but was soon pushed aside by the guards.

Run on sentence! might try ending one after 'to ask them for money'
quote:

was strange like if he hided something,

was strange as though he were hiding something
quote:

soon a really elegant dressed man, but

might want to add 'appeared' because its a little confusing there.
quote:

Bosterblader managed to make him a small cut in the cheek,

might try 'managed to make a small cut on his cheek'
quote:

they where made

were
quote:

After that they where made slaves, working for the Prince, who delighted in torturing them, specially him, he still wore the marks of the whips, until one day he managed to escape, he wandered the forest until he was found by a group of adventurers who have been trying to overthrow the evil Prince father, he was given the mission to rally the slaves.

run on. might try ending one with 'until one day he managed to escape'
quote:

He managed to do it, but he paid a great price, Mark, his best friend was killed by an arrow, the only thing that remained of him was an amulet they had done together, it was made of falcon feathers and reptile claws, in revenge he deformed the Prince face, and took his crown, with the gold and jewels he forged a sword with the gold from the prince crown, and adorned it with it’s jewels, since that day the Prince had sworn revenge on him, so he had to run from his natal country to never return.

run on again. might end with 'an amulet they had done together' then the desciription another sentecne, then 'prince crown, and adorned it with it’s jewels' for the final split
quote:

Bosterblader always thought that he would never find him, but that was enough proof, Malorum had found him, he touched Mark’s amulet, then he realized it was late in the night, so he went to sleep, the marks of the chains in his wrists, they feeled just like if they had been puted on his flesh yesterday, but he still feel asleep nightmares all the night.

run on. I honestly am a little confused by this, but possible breaks could be: 'but that was enough proof' then 'so he went to sleep' then 'on his flesh yesterday' for the final break.
quote:

they feeled just

felt
quote:

had been puted on his flesh yesterday

puting would be putting
quote:

but he still feel asleep nightmares all the night

try but as he fell asleep he still had nightmares all night long.

well, there is my wall of text, hope its helpful.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (4/14/2011 20:33:37)

You expect me to edit all of that now, here it's 21:32 of the night I don't have enought time



Shadow Ravena -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (4/14/2011 21:01:33)

no, i don't. edit when you do have time, or not at all if thats what you wish



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (4/14/2011 21:02:34)

I do wish to be critiscisced, but please don't post such long walls it hurts my eyes



Shadow Ravena -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (4/14/2011 21:30:37)

sorry, I got carried away.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (4/14/2011 21:33:59)

DO not worry ma'am

EDIT: I just got a change of mind Bosterblader will no longer be tht guy who is good, no he will now walk the path of hero, to fall to the path of villain, to then stop beign a hero or a villain, I mean he will be now more sadic, trying to claim revenge against Malorum and all the people that helped him, I'll post a chapter tomorrow perphas



Shadow Ravena -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (5/8/2011 0:17:14)

Good! nice detail, overal good-storytelling. helps explain a bit more about Bosterblader and why he is the way he is.

but... grammer could use some work... warning in advance for potential wall of text.

First off, the run-on sentences make it very hard to read at times, so I'll suggust some stop/start points (with other minor edits).


quote:

his village, all who opposed perished, he was in his room with Mark, and his girlfriend

period after perish (since thats a natural break), and might change his girlfriend to mark's girlfriend because their's two guys in there.
quote:

girlfriend, soon they heard the typical sounds of fighting, when Mark

try 'and soon', period after fighting to avoid run-on
quote:

by an arrow, if he wasn’t killed

due to the amount of comma's, a ; after arrow would be better.
quote:

of flesh, you could see the blood dripping from it, his girlfriend screamed, Bosterblader tried to console

'and his gilrfriend screamed. Bosterblader'
quote:

thought the window, soon

period before soon.
quote:

hey saw herm, she had her arms broken as well as her legs, but she was still alive, soon

her, not herm, period before soon. and might make soon then to avoid overuse of the word.
quote:

foot steps, they couldn’t believe what they witnessed, a soldier closed on her, and believing she was an enemy proceeded on to stab her several times, blood flowed from her body as if it were water.

'witnessed, and a' enemy, proceeded' 'her blood flowing from her body like water'

quote:

same age, althought Malorum’s eyes where litted by evilness, like if he was a demon mad man, Bosterblader

'same age as them,' 'like he was' period before Bosterblader
quote:

they bitted him, Bosterblader even managed to make him a wound, and punched him, when they finished Malorum

'bit him,' 'and they also punched him. When'
quote:

said “Well

coma after said.
quote:

peasant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”.Said Malorum in a despective tone

'!!" said Malorum in a despective tone.'

quote:

important, said Bosterblader, I thought

'imprtant," said Bosterblader, "I thought'
quote:

“How do you dare speak to me in that whay you peasant, it doesn’t matters, soon I’ll punish you, but for now, let’s go boys my father is waiting for us”.Said Malorum. After that Malorum and all the prisioners, including Mark and Bosterblader, leaved the town.

way, ! after first peasant, 'us.” Said' and 'left the town
quote:

outside of it Malorum

'it' is comfusing, try 'the town' instead
quote:

middle of twon,

town
quote:

screams Bosterblader could never

screams. Bosterblader could never
quote:

town, Amlorum faked to be impresed by her, he ordered to two of his servants to apply “healing” potions aswell

who's Amlorum? you can't tell. also, 'her. He ordered' and aswell needs a space in it and anther as after well.
quote:

oil, then

period imbetween those words.
quote:

explotted

exploded
quote:

the twon to his fortress but before they left, they heard acry of revenge, it was the skull shaped monolith in the center of town, Bosterblader never forgot it, and he still will accomplish it, after that Malorum left the town remains thinking they where cursed

'two', ' a cry' 'town. Bosterblader' 'cursed.'
quote:

impossed to him

impossed isn't a word, and I'm not sure what you mean. also, period at the end of every sentence.
quote:

blood stained

blood-stained
quote:

of my spine

stay with either his or my, but don't switch
quote:

day, I still remember the laughter of Malorum.Said Bosterblader in dreams.

day, "I still remember the laughter of Malorum" Said Bosterblader in his dreams.
quote:

wake up

wakes up or woke up.

sorry, I know you said no wall of text but I couldn't help it.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (5/8/2011 11:21:58)

This is clearly madness.

Also, why would Malorum bother to enter the house himself? Doesn't he have lackeys to get the townsfolk for him or is he such a sadistic person who enjoys to deliver the pain personally?

On a sidenote, will it be explained why Malorum came to their village? As of now, I don't see a reason for a cruel prince to descend upon a little village other than slaughtering it's inhabitants for the sake of slaughter.



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