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Mritha -> RE: (DF) The Grimm Tales of Van Hellsin Commentary (4/17/2012 15:56:41)
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quote:
The other was a man, who wore pitch black jeans without a top or shoes. His torso was laced with intricate tribal markings that ran up his arms to his fingertips. He had markings on one side of his face that appeared as half of a skull.
"I never expected you to be here, Slayer," the creature bellowed in numerous voices. The man stared on from the darkness of his hood.
If all he was wearing were jeans, where does the hood come from? And if the hood is so dark underneath, how can the markings on his face be so clearly seen?
quote:
"You're pathetic, Slayer," it said as it leaped," just like your FATHER!"
In dialog, when the name of the one being spoken to is said out loud, there should be a comma before the name.
quote:
The demon kicked back, but the man blocked. He intensified the light energy around his right fist as he retalliated.
retaliated
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"Great job, Crow," a voice said. He turned to see a heavily armored man walk to him.
quote:
"What do you want, Damian?" Crow asked.
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"Ill kill you, Crow. Why can't you be normal?"
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"Revenge," was all Damian could think. And quick revenge.
This sentence is confusing. Did Damian think the word revenge, or say it out loud? If the word was thought, italicize and remove the quotation marks. If he said revenge out loud, try rewording your sentence to make this more clear.
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He walked to an empty table and slammed his head, tired.
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Crow slammed his head again, but because of the excitement.
Slammed his head on the table?
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She lowered her face to his, her curly Blondel hair mixing with his straight long silver hair.
blonde
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Crow appeared from one of the pathways st the entrance to the giant lake not to far from the building.
at
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"GO AWAY!" Crow shouted. The two punched each mother's fists, releasing energy.
other's
I stopped pointing out all the places that needed commas before a name in dialog in the second section. Also, I noticed you often end a piece of dialog with a comma. This is done when an action breaks the dialog, not just when the person is finished speaking. Your story plot is interesting and overall has the potential to be good, however there are quite a few grammar mistakes that break the flow. You also have a lot of incomplete sentences as Mordred pointed out in the first page of this thread. Try reading this to help you fix those, this website is what I use for my writing and can explain things far better than I can :)
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