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=Class= Dialogue stories critique and learning

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1/27/2012 2:13:54   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 =Class= Dialogue Stories

Once we have stories up, please make an effort to read over the dialogue and critique/comment on it. Remember, this is a learning experience in dialogue writing only.

Enjoy!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
1/28/2012 20:45:52   
Stray Cat
The kitty
without a name


 Mrith, some things about your story:
quote:

“...but once the war was over, I was finally able to settle down with my dear Catherine.” James said as he walked slowly down the sidewalk. A soft chuckle was heard beside him.
quote:

“I wonder what happened to that Bonny May.” he thought out loud.
quote:

"He patted James’s arm lightly, then said hopefully. “Maybe he will change, we have seen younguns come home after they had their fill of the city life..."
quote:

“No, I’ve given up home for John.” he sighed.
quote:

“So am I Steve.” James said, defeated. “So am I.”
The full stops should be commas.
quote:

“Hold that though, I gotta,” he paused mid sentence, sitting slowly.
His pause isn't really a dialogue tag, so the comma would serve better as a '...gotta-" He paused...'.
quote:

“Absolutely not!” Steve shot back, indignant.
This line could possibly do without the tag at all. Which lines are whose is well established. The inclusion of that detracts from the flow of the story.

Overall, though, it's a really intuitive conversation. The dialogue bounces naturally between the pair and flows to the core of the story. The accents are really well done, too.

I posted my own story. It's an exchange, but... the ratio of actual dialogue to tags, actions and other background stuff is like 1:4. I think I have trouble giving my conversations volume (and taking away that matter-of-factness). Also, generic premise is generic, yeah. My creativity isn't at its highest. >.<
Post #: 2
1/28/2012 21:32:16   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Thanks Stray! All fixed, and found a typo. "home" was supposed to be "hope".
I think the commas within the quotation marks are going to plague me until I can get into the habit of using them like that lol.

quote:

Her palm was still held mid-air. “Oh,” he said, and he began to cry."

The end quotes should not be there.

Really that is all I found wrong with yours. I enjoyed the conversation, though this confused me slightly.
quote:

“Yes,” Alyss promised him. “You will. Go on, now.”

She seems more urgent then is necessary to me, the comma puts a lot of emphasis on the "now" and the story doesn't explain why. Other than that I really liked it, both the dialog and story.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 3
1/28/2012 21:37:18   
Stray Cat
The kitty
without a name


 Thanks. Fixes applied. I removed the "now", but I'm thinking on alternatives because, upon reflection, the line does ring rather bluntly.
Post #: 4
1/28/2012 23:39:59   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Maybe if you replaced part of the speech with an action? Like instead of

“Yes,” Alyss promised him. “You will. Go on."

You have

“Yes,” Alyss promised him. “You will." She smiled encouragingly and motioned for him to go.

Or something like that.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 5
1/29/2012 1:16:40   
Stray Cat
The kitty
without a name


 ^Ah, awesome! Changed the nuance of the action in the process, but I think it reads more smoothly.
Post #: 6
1/29/2012 20:54:39   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Much better Stray! :D

quote:

"...I am afraid the only thing I can promise you is that he will not suffer n his final hours."

I found this typo in yours, Goldstein. I liked the dialog in your story, though the picture you used made your dialog seem modern. I was expecting their speech to sound older.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 7
1/29/2012 21:01:29   
Goldstein
Member

Ah, indeed. I am not very good at ye old English, I am afraid.
Post #: 8
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