Blade
Member
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Amazing story! I really loved the way it all came together. I found myself at first thinking it would just be another plain story that so many people write. This on the otherhand, has the potential to be a full fledged book. I really love the way it started out, and I'm anxious for more! Nice work Razen! :) On to some CC, I notice you used the word alien quite a bit. Also, twice you wrote "I didn't ever figure out" Not a fan of that line, maybe make it more old-timey? :P Also I found a few minor typos here and there. quote:
"A universe without Zari? How could this even be possible?" I queried with fearful eyes at what the answer would be. I began speculating within my mind who would possibly lead an opposition to the Zari, and I recalled a name...Nihilus. Nihilus, from what I heard is supposedly a member of the family who knows of the recipe and technique of forging weapons that are embedded with Sareisisium, an odd metal know to have properties similar to that of a Zari's reality modifying capabilities, which is why it's named the Metal of Zari. But, I never really learned if this was true or just rumor. I didn't even know if Nihilus even existed at the time, yet I had also seen some posters of what he looked like and they seemed quite alien to me, his helmet being an elongated head of some form with a hole near the top of the forehead that I presume is where air enters, and he bore a stalwart spear. Should be known. :3 quote:
"Hmm...so...I can do anything without any Zari retaliation?" I asked Balamus, for I didn't quite get Vydizi's meaning in the letter perfectly. I turned the sheet of papyrus over in hopes of finding more of an explanation on the back, only to be disappointed that there was not one. I was puzzled, he said that I was fully liable for my actions, but that I wasn't governed by Narath on such...what does this mean though? Assuming that was supposed to be can't. Really good start to a story! Can't wait for more! ~Bladebrawl
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