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(DF) The Grimm Tales of Van Hellsin Commentary

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2/25/2012 22:12:54   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Story

Comments and advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 1
2/25/2012 22:19:44   
Glais
Member

1000 Years ago? Nice, I am also writing a DF story set in the past, though only by 100 years.

Anyhow, starts off interesting but seems a bit short. The jump to Damian just felt sudden.

I also wonder...jeans? 1000 years ago? Present day DF doesn't even have jeans so...?
Calling attacks is a bit odd.
But yeah, alright so far. I wonder how exactly the 1000 years tie in. Uually means something in the past will reference the future.
DF MQ  Post #: 2
2/25/2012 22:22:50   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Explanations to those will be provided in a few, ad I am still writing.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 3
2/25/2012 23:15:35   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Edited.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 4
2/26/2012 0:07:21   
Glais
Member

Well, I guess that explains the jeans. Weird, wonder why this guy's so far back, or how this will tie into DF.EDIT: Well I guess that's answered too.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 2/26/2012 0:34:53 >
DF MQ  Post #: 5
2/26/2012 0:36:16   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 How do you like it? The Slayers and Crusher's must incite suspicion
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 6
2/26/2012 0:37:38   
Glais
Member

Well not much has been given about them yet. I suspect through time travel this will tie into present DF...who knows? Maybe they will still be around.
DF MQ  Post #: 7
2/26/2012 0:51:47   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 What do you surmise about the Slayers and Crusher's abilities baseless on what has occured so far? What about the 3 main characters presented
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 8
2/26/2012 0:55:34   
Glais
Member

Purple Energy almost always means Void. I would say Chaos but...I'd prefer to ignore aqw.

Slayer seemed associated with Light. Not sure where ChronoMancy fits in.
Winter just seems kinda thrown in. She hasn't done anything besides get captured really.
DF MQ  Post #: 9
2/26/2012 0:58:09   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 This story is AQW Chaos-free

spoiler:

He learned Chronomancy
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 10
2/26/2012 1:18:37   
Glais
Member

Well, I figured as much there, ChronoMancy is hardly common practice.
DF MQ  Post #: 11
2/26/2012 1:25:29   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 That will be explained later on
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 12
2/26/2012 16:25:27   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Chapter One is complete
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 13
2/26/2012 16:50:16   
Glais
Member

Hm, I can't help but feel the story's a bit choppy at times but nevermind that. I did find a few canonicity issues.

Namely:gods aren't extinct, there's many still alive in DF, namely the Elemental Lords.

Warlic also mentions magic school with Van, but as Warlic wasn't in "magic school" until several years ago, and Van was frozen, this doesn't really work. Or at least I presumed that was Warlic.
DF MQ  Post #: 14
2/26/2012 17:00:04   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Crow Van Hellsin and Warlic are actually near the same age as each other. Van learned Chronomancy and traveled through time. He does it a lot. However, he traveled back 1000 years prior to present day DF. He was sealed for 1000 years advancing forward again.

Chronomancy = confusing

Gods =/= Elemental Lords

Gods are on the same level as Elemental Lords but serve a different purpose

< Message edited by VanHellsin24 -- 2/26/2012 17:01:17 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 15
2/26/2012 17:03:54   
Glais
Member

No you misunderstand, the Elemental Lords ARE gods, thus making your statement inaccurate. And there are many other gods in The AEverse pantheon.
DF MQ  Post #: 16
2/26/2012 17:08:33   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 No, what I mean is to say the gods Crow mention are not from Lore. Celestial Gods. THOSE gods are extinct. Celestial Gods can teach humans how to use their powers.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 17
2/26/2012 17:13:04   
Glais
Member

They don't necessarily have to be from Lore. The ELs are involved in multiple planets.

However that makes sense, so...why would this completely random group of gods teach someone who isn't even from their native world?
DF MQ  Post #: 18
2/26/2012 17:21:10   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Its the Nature of them because they were once humans themselves

but that will be explained another time

< Message edited by VanHellsin24 -- 2/26/2012 17:22:50 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 19
2/26/2012 17:31:08   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 This story has potential, but I have the nagging feeling it does not fit DF.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 20
2/26/2012 17:38:34   
Mordred
Member

Some issues I have;

The situation doesn't have enough info for me to get into it. What is a Stalker and Crusher? What's the history of Damian and Crow? Where's Crow's dragon(which should be around in the present, seeing as dragons are pretty much immortal outside of being slain[meaning they don't die of natural causes])? What's the history of Crow and Winter? If there is none, then why is Crow described as the love of her life? Do Crow and Damian realize the true nature of Chronomancy? Is Damian just dis gai who wants to screw with time without knowing how it can adversely affect the universe? Do either of them realize just how much effort it takes to move between large spans of time? How does Winter end up moving forward 1000 years if she neither directly accessed the knowledge within the Amulet, nor has the power required to traverse through a millennium herself?

Another problem is more to do with the writing itself. There are many clauses/incomplete sentences that break up the flow of the narrative.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 21
2/26/2012 17:39:31   
Glais
Member

Hm, agreed. The characters seem somewhat alien.
Usually jeans is what separates it for some reason in my mind. When I hear jeans, DF instantly leaves my brain.

I also forgot my last little critique, Warlic's speech seemed...less eloquent than he usually is.
DF MQ  Post #: 22
2/26/2012 19:10:50   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Warlic and Crow are very close, he tends to loosen upwith him.

@Mordred

U mean Slayer? Also, so many things cannot be explained so early in a story. After chapter 2 I plan on doing 2 whole posts dedicated to slayers and crusher's because their lore is too confound to be explained bit by bit
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 23
2/27/2012 20:11:05   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 I will try to finish the post on Celestial Slayers tonight, but don't expect it right away. I'm on my kindle fire
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 24
2/27/2012 22:41:22   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 The celestial slayer and celestial gods post is half complete but has the full info on the 2
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 25
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