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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: MM's Fooetry ~ Comments Thread. Two new poems up. Go read! (12/2/2008 5:31:24)
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Hi!
I read your set and shall now try to work my way to the cookie by commenting. =P
I dunno yet, if I have comments for all of them, though. So I'll try to be more detailed about the ones I do have comments.
Hidden in an abyss
I liked this one, the sense of desparation is tangible throughout the lines. There seems to be one sentence that's somewhat out of line, though, at least in my opinion. It's middle one of these three.
quote:
I wish someone would find me
I'm getting bored of this abyss,
I need someone to hold.
Why I think it's odd is because you have the description of feeling cold and alone in the enormous space in the previous lines and this one sentence insinuates that, in fact, the person wants out because he/she is bored. Not because of being lost and lonely that the other lines indicate for me.
Here's two suggestiond, the first one has a more radical change, probably destroying the flow, so feel free to hate it.... =P The other one has the starting with 'I'm' conserved.
Eg.:
"I wish someone would find me/Come and rip me from this abyss/I need someone to hold"
"I wish someone would find me/I'm losing my tracks in this abyss/I need someone to hold"
Wouldn't it be beautiful
Although the hypothetical question you present is by no means new, you still manage to do it in way that it spiked me up to think about this question again.
I'd probably suspect the answer to that question would be yes in one way or another; here's my line of thought:
Or would the superficial ugliness
be divided into degrees?
And the world shall forever continue
to live by these rotten rules?
Btw, is the last line missing a questionmark?
Questioning the question
This one I liked because its simplicity. It keeps the focus on the theme, on the question that is not asked.
True beauty
You have an unfortunate typo on the second line: I'm pretty sure that 'angle' should be 'angel'.
Otherwise, it's a fun poem, sorta makes my brain twist (in a good way =P) because everytime I think I guessed where it was going, it went a completely different way. However, I felt like the lines:
quote:
what is most definitely,
true beauty.
created a minor halt to the flow.
Unfortunately, I can't think of any suggestions that would flow better right now, I mean:
'what is only defined
as true beauty.'
does not do much of a better job, does it?
Our time
This is a nice piece. I especially enjoyed the start, like these two lines:
quote:
And compared to the universe that surrounds us,
we do not live at all.
One additional comment about the 'working for a boss'-line. This isn't neccessarily boring at all, especially if the work is motivating and the boss isn't a complete *fill a descriptive word here*
So, if you want to create a more negative image about a person who's trapped into an unpleasant post, you could change the verb from 'working' to 'slaving', 'sweating' or something of the like. Just my opinionated suggestion =P
Stalk me
Last but not least, my favourite of this bunch!
Beautifully flowing lines. And the mood is captivating. What more can I say?
...
except "purrrrrrrr" =P
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