The Steakhouse: Other

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Cow Face -> The Steakhouse: Other (6/25/2008 14:32:12)
These are the collected writings of mine. This thread is used for essays and other works, but I will give links to any other writing threads I made. Comment Thread An In-Depth Look At Legends and Lore 101 Uses For A Left Sock The Creation of Half-Drakel Warrior The Saga of Half-Drakel Warrior A Shift of Planes A Lesson On Terran Geography Kiriana Backstory entry Cow Face News: Edition 1 Dialogue, Richelieu-de` Medici Conscription Dialogue ButterQuest Review I Was Wondering Checkers One Night's Conference We Apologize For Any Inconvenience Model Citizen In Remembrance Escape Freedom and Captivity Abstinence of the Observer Off-Key Mirrored Crucifixion The Corrosion of Tender Moments Concrete Gardens Return To Concrete Gardens Your Name And Affiliation, Sirrah Who Am I? Who I Am. A Winter Melody Truth Fingers of the Earth Abstract Desperation Hello, It's Me, Adam The Window On Meaning Conclusion to the Debate Sin, Retribution, Redemption Insanity, I Think Just A Thought On The Internet Hypothetical Situation Mr. Johnson, County Taxman Think, Question, Repeat (If Desired)/Stripes - My poetry To begin: An In-Depth Look at L&L By Cow Face This is an article for those of you who have not yet tapped, poked, plunged into, or chomped the mysterious forums of Legends and Lore. I was asked to do this by .Discipline, the April 2008 Poet of the Month. I do believe that the discussion went something like this, though the wording is going to be somewhat different from the original: <Discipline> You should do an article about L&L! <Cow_Face> XDDD <Discipline> No, really. It would have us all in it! <Cow_Face> Nah, that's even too crazy for me,. <Cow_Face> *. <Cow_Face> ...No, I have to do that. Lol, this is going to be FUN. From #legendsandlore, Caelestia.net I pondered this for about thirty seconds, then decided that yes, I must do an article about the mysteries of Legends and Lore. Why? To educate the masses. ...And to look goofy while doing so. As you, the browsing foron- er, forumite- are looking for a good place to say "LOLOLOl u n00bs i uB3r pwn u," you may see a mist-shrouded forum. "Legends and Lore," it is titled. You inch closer, closer. Then, you see a topic titled, "SEPCULLURE R 1337!!!!!" and go off to post in that, instead. But what did you miss? Legends and Lore is the place for psychotic forumites to post their many creative writings. They start as a mere Grunt, running the gauntlet in the Writing Academy. After they have been flogged with sticks of "More detail needed!!" they may submit their writings to the Approval Thread. Here, Falerin, Ricobabie, Time Losh, Versilaryan, and Mistermafio (the forum moderators) may laugh heartily at the futile attempts to come up with a story. Nonetheless, they "approve" them, just to see how far they can get before they are swallowed up by the Prawn- the evolved form of the Grunt. Life expectancy is one week, or else however long it takes to become a Prawn. Prawn are timid, weak creatures with threads of less than one page. They are food for the Tuna- one step up on the food chain- and feed on unlucky Grunts. However, they are looked upon as "cute" or "silly" by the Arbiters (forum moderators), and let live. Often, they are still thunked with the Detailsticks, before they become older and wiser. Or at least older. Author's Note: Any stage of the L&Ler is still vulnerable to the Detailstick. Beware! Beware... Next in the life of the L&Ler is the Tuna stage. They are still timid and meek, but they may actually have a fan-boy/fan-girl. Furthermore, they have at least three pages of "Comments," which are a mere cover-up for the before mentioned Detailsticks. It is said that Tuna which successfully become Lorefish may be offered a position as an Acolyte in the Cult of the Detailstick, but I have not seen any proof of that. Whap! Excuse me. I have not yet been offered substantial evidence as to the existence of the so-called "Cult of the Detailstick." This does not, however, exclude that there is no possibility of this cult existing. Furthermore, the vicious flog of the Detailstick feels as if your very lifeforce was being drained from your bones. It feels as though the marrow were being drawn from your bones; as if your eyes were having the juices sucked upon by a voracious, deep forest-green gecko. Happy now, Acolytes? The adult form of the L&Ler is a Lorefish. This species is generally left to its own devices, except when a fellow Lorefish gives them a taste of the Detailstick. Also, certain Lorefish are chosen to be a Writer of the Month, or a Poet of the Month. I have not yet been graced with this wondrous title, but I feel that it will happen sometime in the next one-hundred years. There is one more layer of mystery present in the Legends and Lore world: #legendsandlore, on Caelestia.net. Here, several authors discuss literary works, and drive each other mad. The channel features some of the most psychotic conversations that I have ever seen/participated in. Noted are those L&Lers that I have witnessed on it (Those with the +v, that is): Amboo: An Irish poet. Known for saying, "COW FACE! READ IT NAO!" Clyde: May 2008 PotM, known for his "FreExpression." CoolDragonz: Another poet. I suppose that he is a Dragon... Made of ice. CowFace: Myself. Amazingly handsome, and brilliant. 'Nuff said. Discipline: April 2008 PotM. Known for rubbing it in our faces. (Just kidding, .D!) Eddy: April 2008 WotM who came up with a long self-nomination. Eukara: A writer. Known for snapping us with rubber bands. Firefly: The Pyrosect. Known for having her name misspelled by many. (March 2008 WotM) Mistermafio: Do you know... the mafia man? The mafia man? The mafia man? Do you know the mafia man who lives on Drury Lane? (AK of L&L / #legendsandlore ChanOp) Mo: A writer who seemingly suffers from depression often. Cool Dragonz calls him a terrorist bomber. Nex: February 2008 WotM. Doesn't rub it in our faces. oDrew (A.K.A. TEH RAWRZ): An apparently helpful writer and poet! Recar: February 2008 WotM. Also doesn't rub it in our faces. Wait.... I'm recieving word from the Burning Pyrosect that he does! Ricobabie: A surprisingly plush ChanOp. (AK of L&L) Shade: (A.K.A. Sithishade) One more writer! (We have a lot of those- who knew?) Stromy: Writer and Dream Theater fan. Introduced me to the epicness of A Change of Seasons. TreadLight: Lyricist. Very... Interesting fellow. I have been informed that Falerin himself has been on, but he has not yet graced me with his shiny prescence. Maybe if I keep complementing him, he'll turn up. (I have a Ph.D. in brown-nosing.) That is it for my report on the mysterious Legends and Lore forum. I sincerely hope that it will help clarify the strange rumors going around. What rumors? Why, those that I am about to start! Tallyho! An update from the depths of IRC: <Rimblade> Cow Face, I can't believe some of the names you've come up with for the poor L&L people :D <Cow_Face> Oh? <Cow_Face> I'm one of them. <Cow_Face> We're all fish <Rimblade> Tsh. I want to be a red snapper.

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (under construction) (6/25/2008 14:34:57)
101 Uses For A Left Sock 1. Pillow 2. Glove 3. Sack 4. Mask for daring daylight robbery 5. Belt 6. Moneypouch 7. Lethal weapon 8. Nunchukai (Did I spell that right?) 9. Sceptre 10. Hat (especially a miter) 11. Wristband 12. Sundial (don't ask) 13. Toga for mice 14. Food 15. Convenient pouch for "Cysero Approves!" badges - Submitted by .Discipline! 16. A cape for when you are playing dress-up - Submitted by Mo! 17. Sock puppet - Submitted by .Discipline! 18. Cysero Puppet Pals puppet - Submitted by Mo! 19. Sleeping bag for a gerbil 20. Instument for my Irish Folk Punk band, "Flogging Socky" 21. Cow Face's ticket to the Design Notes! - Submitted by Mo! 22. Comprehensive imaginary friend for a thirteen-year old named Adam. - Submitted by Mo! 23. Basis for the evil Dirty Sock Monkey 24. Gauze bandage 25. Weapon of Mass Destruction 26. Warmer for certain anotomical structure 27. Blanket 28. All your base are belong to Sock. -Submitted by .Discipline, edited by Cow Face! 29. Yo' face! 30. Ballistics device 31. Cysero Summoner 32. Flashlight 33. Toothpaste tube 34. All I'll say is, "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!" 35. Banana holder 36. Summons the... WIZAAAAARD! 37. Mr. Puddingshins' best friend 38. Mr. Puddingshins' mistress (Whew, kind of racy, aren't we?) 39. Muzzle for your dog! 40. Muzzle for your cat! 41. If you can read this, you don't need glasses. 42. 42 43. Ribarg? 44. Get rich quick with your very own Left Sock Kit! 45. It slices, it dices! 46. It cuts and cubes! 47. It slashes and mashes! 48. IT PULVERIZES!! 49. A discussion in #legendsandlore - Submitted by GhostBear5! 50. Yogurt maker - Submitted by GhostBear5! 51. Tickle device 52. Torture device - Submitted by GhostBear5! 53. The Rack 54. The Iron Maiden (if you have spikes in your sock) 55. Burr-attracting garment 56. The Magical Amulet of Sockland! 57. MONEY! - Submitted by GhostBear5! 58. Headache relief 59. Replacement for a right sock! - Submitted by my mother! 60. You can sell it for Dragon Coins... 61. Bribe Cysero with it 62. Can you say, "Sock of Awe?" 63. 1337 armor 64. Healing Circle (unless it's next to Valencia) 65. Shield of Light 66. Sword of Justice! (If you're an Aquabat/Aquacadet) 67. Bandanna 68. Whip 69. Whip for Indiana Jones!! 70. Nightcap (No, not the drink) 71. Pretend to be an elephant! 72. Elf ears! 73. Trick a witch into believing that you're selling her a unicorn horn. 74. +999,999,999,999,999 Charisma 75. We will fight for bovine freedom / And hold our large socks high... Wait, that's not right! 76. Did you know one of your parents was a sock? 77. Captain Rhubarb 78. Use uncreated by The'Galin - ~~Submitted by .Discipline!~~ THE FOOLISH MORTAL HAS BEEN UNCREATED 79. Prop for a William Shakesock play: "Alas, poor Yorsock, we hardly knew ye..." - Submitted by .Discipline, edited by Cow Face! 80. Bacon-based item 81. cn j00 r33d ddi$? f s0, j00 @r3n'+ @ n00b 82. Once upon a time, there was a man named Sock. 83. Sock rode around all day in his mighty steed, Shoe! 84. One day, Sock saw a princess in trouble. 85. Sock rode on, because life is just tough. 86. You must be quite bored. 87. Time-killer 88. There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your sockosophy! 89. Your personal slave 90. Container for a dirty magazine! ;-) 91. Can holder 92. Bottle-opener 93. Fish-stick holder 94. What really goes into chicken nuggets 95. Something to fill up 101 spaces on a list 96. What? You're still here? 97. Go away, we don't want you here! 98. Are you still reading this!? 99. Do you not have a life? 100. I'll bet you skipped to the end, didn't you? 101. A left sock!

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (8/11/2008 16:22:50)
A Lesson On Terran Geography By Cow Face Welcome to today's class! Professor Cow Face, GED here. I'm going to teach you all about the real geography of Terra, not the kind of stuff that gets pumped out by those "college professors." Now then, a brief- but informative- review of geography, the way it used to be. DISCLAIMER: The following article contains no educational matter whatsoever. Please do not use it to pass tests, excluding those given out by Professor Cow Face, GED. Please. United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: Surprisingly, what was to be the U.K. actually made up half of the world's mass. However, it was comprised mainly of ice, and melted away due to global warming, forming the Pacific Ocean. Now, the length of the official name makes up for the loss of land mass. Russian Federation: Ze Russians invented ze Earth. Federal Republic of Germany: Nien! Vee Germans invented ze Earth! United States of America: Despite beginning as only the easternmost tip of what is now the United States, the U.S. was meant to be the size it is (Manifest Destiny, what can I say?). Just don't tell the Native Americans. Or the British. Or the French. Or the Spanish. Or the Mexicans. Or the.... Kingdom of Lesotho: No, it was always this small, as far as I know. You can find it on the map; it's a little speck in South Africa, same as the Kingdom of Swaziland. Japan: Small now, small then, but will eventually gain land comprised of robots and pages from manga. Empire of the People's Federal United Commonwealth Despot State Democracy Republic Kingdom of Cows: I've said too much by giving you the name! Kingdom of Spain: Once upon a time, all the land was carpeted, to make siestas more comfortable. Australia (continent)/Commonwealth of Australia: All of those islands used to be connected to the mainland. It is estimated that if all of those islands were connected today, Australia would have approximately 1,000,000 more miles of land. Greenland (part of the Kingdom of Denmark): This was the size of Swaziland, before the first Ice Age. Now it's much bigger. Republic of Iceland: Used to live up to its name. Went the way of the U.K. State of Vatican City: This is a country!? Who let this be a country? It's too small to even include in my article (unless the Pope complains in the form of money, in which case I might write a few lines about it). Kingdom of Belgium: Mmm, chocolate and waffles! Enough said. International House of Pancakes: Broke off from the Kingdom of Belgium long ago, saying something about wanting to be a sovereign nation, free of tyrannical rule... Or do I have that confused with something else? Republic of Ireland (also known as Southern Ireland): Contains the central, southern, and northwestern parts of Ireland. Currently wondering what Northern Ireland was thinking. That's about it for my lesson on Terran Geography! I don't know about you all, but I sure learned a lot from reading this article. Use this on your next geography test, okay?

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (9/30/2008 12:54:11)
Note: This is a post of a review that I wrote for the website Homigawd, Why!?. I decided to post it here as well. My username on the aforementioned website is Professor Dragon. A Shift Of Planes By Professor Dragon [Cow Face] In a world full of hard-boiled reporters and objective game reviewers, one teenage… dragon… thingy… will have the audacity to review a game that he’s played for less than a week. This… is… PLANESHIFT!* Well, part of my duties as a writer for Homigawd, Why!? is to review games. Duh, it’s a game-reviewing site! Among other things. However, I seem to be the one that does the most online gaming. So, this first game review is of a game called PlaneShift. No, not the Magic card thing! Geez. Overview. The game of PlaneShift is set in a pseudo-medieval world called Yliakum. There are 12 different races, ranging from the typical Humans, Elves, and Dwarves to anthropomorphic (A.K.A. “Furry”) Dragons, felines, and rocks. No, seriously. Rocks. The storyline is as yet non-existent as far as I know, so I won’t be going over that. See, it’s still in open Beta- this stage is called Steel Blue. However, it’s already pretty good. Graphics. Though not the most important part of any given game, they are usually the most eye-pleasing. Wouldn’t have guessed that, would you? I’m all tricksy. But seriously, the graphics are quite good. Though not quite on a scale with The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion or Gears of War, they impress me, especially for a completely free online game. So long as you have a half-way decent computer- I play with a 1.6 GHz processor, 512 RAM and an Intel® graphics card, sue me- the animation is smooth, and relatively high-end, at least in my newb-bogged opinion. The only real problem is that some of the races don’t have models for the females yet; for those they use the female model of one of the other races. 3.75/5 points. Gameplay (Non-Combat). Unlike most games, the movement system for PlaneShift is both Point-and-Click and Keyboard. To move your character, you can either click on the ground or use the arrow keys. I find that the arrow keys are better for precise movement, but the mouse is best for long-distance movements. But meh, that’s me, the idiot who uses an Intel® Integrated video card! To interact with NPCs, the player must actually type things to them, instead of just choosing from a list of responses. Naturally, this leads to some confusion at times (“How do I get a freakin’ quest around here!?” “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” “Up yours!” “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”), but I think it’s a good thing, as it promotes online literacy.*** However, the addition of a Tutorial at the beginning alleviates some of that, unlike when it was in Crystal Blue (Yes, I played it for a bit in the past), and it just dropped you in the world, then laughed at your incompetence, kicked sand in your face, and left you for dead. Other interactions with NPCs are performed via right-clicking and pressing a button. Interactions with other players are performed with a text box, set by default at the bottom-right of your screen, but movable. There is an enforced in-character environment, so you can’t say things like “omg haxx!!22! wut witdh da glihchs n thsi gsme???/.” Fortunately. 4/5 points. Gameplay (Combat). The combat system is fairly straight-forward: See enemy. Go to enemy. Attack enemy. Kill enemy/Run away screaming. Anyone can understand it… I hope. Where it gets interesting is the amount of different weapons there are. Though I have yet to encounter any ranged non-magic weapons (I don’t think they’ve been implemented), there are still magic and blades to keep you occupied. Knives, Daggers, Axes, Swords, Hammers, and more are all separated (Even more so than in Morrowind!), and then there are Glyphs to add more diverseness, so much that I won’t even bother to go into more detail. Oh, and then if you add in the skills for making weapons and armor, and repairing weapons and armor- No! I have no wish to drown in a sea of text! 4.25/5 points. Trade and Barter. The barter system is also straight-forward for the most part. You can receive items by looting dead enemies, then sell them at shops. Money is called "Trias," with different coins being worth different amounts of Trias. In addition to the basic Trade menu, there is also a menu for giving away items, often used in quests. But while it's straight-forward, it's nothing revolutionary. 3/5 points. Death/Game Loss. When your health (measured mainly in percentage) reaches 0%, you die. I admit, though, I'm a tad biased. I'm the kind of loser who doesn't like losing things when he dies, so I quite like the death system. You are teleported to the Death Realm, a maze-like place where you must work to find your way out. It's always the same, but it can be confusing for new players. Fortunately, there are almost always kind players who will guide you out for free. Unfortunately, the camera often gets stuck in a bad position, and the lighting tends to be bad. 3.5/5 points. Community. I quite like the other players on PlaneShift. While it is enforced in-character and some people do have evil characters, I have yet to find a spiteful player. Granted, I haven't played Steel Blue for long, but when I played Crystal Blue, I still hadn't met any jerks. The help system is generally quick, and often quite helpful. Oh, and the players are actually courteous. Whereas in other games- RuneScape comes to mind- they'll grab your stuff as soon as it hits the ground, these players actually respect property. Two examples of this: I was a new player, and I hadn't gotten used to the drag-and-drop trading. In addition, my computer was ill-equipped at the time, and I was experiencing a lot of lag. The result was that I accidentally dropped my money on the ground- in a crowd of people. However, even though everyone saw it, no-one attempted to pick it up, as they knew that I was new, and that it was an accident on my part. Again when I was new, I was having trouble with an in-game glitch concerning sacks. Long story short, I couldn't take stuff out of the sack unless I dropped it on the ground. When I did so, someone assumed I didn't want it, so they picked it up. When I mentioned that it was mine, and that I was experiencing a glitch, they very politely gave it back. While those might just be a few good people, that has been my overall experience. 4.75/5 points for the community. Summary. This has proved to be among my favorites in online games. While it does not yet have a storyline, I'll let that slide since it's only in Beta. The community are one of the best I've seen, and tend to be quite polite. Score: 23.25/30 points. Category: Well worth playing, but could improve. External Link: http://planeshift.it/ * This would be the part where I kick you into a bottomless pit, but the others won't let me. Slave. * Says the writer. **** Oh, no! You might actually have to use your backspace button!

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (10/24/2008 11:09:44)
[Author's Note: Most situations and events described in this "News" segment are completely fictional.] "Hello, and welcome to the Cow Face News Network. My name is Cow Face; the time is sometime past some hour, somewhere in the world. Here is today's news. - Scientists have discovered that Chuck Norris was actually born in a terrarium. It seems that instead of food, they gave him doses of steroids during his first thirty years of life. - On a historical note, it seems that George Washington had a pair of lead teeth. New studies show that they had the words "Made in China" printed on them. - A man in Colorado has found out where you are when you are at sixes and sevens. - It has been decided that a human life has an approximate value of over $3 billion, U.S. This research has caused a dramatic inflation in bounty hunter prices, crippling political campaigns. - The Union of Wicked Stepmothers is on strike, demanding new mirrors. - Terrorists have been arrested in a New York airport. It seems that they were attempting to get through security with seven rifles, two machine guns, five hand grenades, a pistol, and an alligator. In fact, their scheme would have worked, had they not been caught up behind an 83-year old woman with nail clippers. - Devo is being sued by concerned parents who claim that their song "Whip It" calls for senseless violence. It is believed that these are the same parents that called for the smoking scenes to be removed from the children's show Tom and Jerry. - Finally, on an upbeat note, Michael Jackson was accidentally dropped from a window. It seems a baby was holding him, and lost its grip on the popular artist. Now, over to Cow Face, with the weather." "Thanks, Cow Face. Well, it seems that somewhere, it may be hot. Then again, it might not. Perhaps it will be cool. There is a small chance that it will be in-between. Furthermore, it might rain, or it might not; we can't be sure of anything, what with global warming and all. And now, here's Cow Face with the sports report." "It's been an exciting week for sports! It seems that in the latest match-ups, exactly half of the teams lost. What a coincidence! I'll have the scores in a moment, but first, the penalty report. - A player of U.S. Football was called off for tackling his own teammates. Frustrated, he tackled the referee, the opposing team's coach, his own coach, and about one-third of the fans. - In a related incident, Adam "Pacman" Jones was suspended for attacking the bodyguard assigned to him so that he would not attack anyone. (Do I even need to make up a witty comment about this!?) - In International Football (Soccer to the U.S.), it seems that a player was given a yellow card for expressing irrational emotion on the field. - During a round of Senior Citizen Cage Match, "Green" Granny Smith had a point revoked for attacking "Mean" Mrs. Jones with her dentures. - In Hockey, all of the players from both teams were put in their penalty boxes for fighting. After this event, the referees played each other, as all of the fans were also sent to the penalty boxes. "The scores are these: 21-2, 3-1, 44-53, 9-5, and 0-98. Unfortunately, I do not know which sports those scores belong to. We'll be right back after this message from our sponsors, concerning a product which you have neither heard of nor care about." "Buy Oralclean Toothpaste! Why? Because it's not poisoned! Also, you may be interested in Moo Cow Milk, which is also not poisoned. These fine products and many more are all distributed by Cow Face Industries. Cow Face Industries: We Don't Poison Our Products!" *** This has been a CFI production. Please keep watching- we need the ratings. Remember, if we don't get your attention, we'll have to find where you live, seek you out, and hang you by your toes in a very dark place.

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (11/5/2008 13:28:47)
Dialogue between Cardinal Richelieu and Marie de` Medici, concerning his power as Chief Minister to Louis XIII Cardinal Richelieu: My lady. Marie de` Medici: Cardinal. The time has come for us to discuss your coming power as Chief Minister to my son, has it not? Richelieu: Indeed it has. Consider, milady, young Louis' age. Would it be the wisest choice to give him such power? After all, La France needs an experienced ruler to guide it, such as myself. de` Medici: Your words are true, Cardinal, but he is, naetheless, the monarch, even if we are serving as his regent for the time being. Would it not be best to give him a fair amount of power, so that he may learn to use his power wisely? Richelieu: Yes, but such a time would also be an opportunity for L'Angleterre or Espagne to gain more power. We would not wish for them to become more powerful than La France, particularly in these turbulent times for our country, what with the unfortunate death of my liege Le Roi Henry IV. If such a person as myself were to be given a bit more power than you might originally have intended, the power of La France could be centralized under your son. de` Medici: Again, you have a fair point. However, it seems as though Louis might bring the people a bit further under his command if he himself were to centralize the power. As to his age, you yourself were brought to power, despite your being considered by some too young for your position, were you not? Richelieu: Ah, but I received dispensation from the Pope himself, whereas young Louis has not done so. Furthermore, might he not overlook the danger which the Huguenots pose to the Crown? de` Medici: If memory serves us, those same Huguenots were protected under our husband's rule. Do you question his wisdom in that same matter, Cardinal? Richelieu: Of course not, milady! He had every right to do so- at the time. However, it appears to me that since then, they have grown in power, and may yet undermine the authority of Louis, and thereby all of La France! Again is it proven that La France may be united with my help. By all means, Louis should have all powers that a monarch deserves. All I ask is that I be granted the power to assist him in matters of state. Would I not be a unifying force? Taken together, I represent the Church, and as Chief Minister, I would represent the State. With such an alliance, La France would be even more powerful than it is now, I dare say possibly more powerful than Espagne and L'Angleterre combined! I humbly beseech milady, give heed to my words. de` Medici: Very well, Cardinal; we thank you for your part in this discussion. Now, though, we must pay heed to matters of La France, and therefore must ask to dismiss you. Fare thee well, Cardinal. Richelieu: God be with thee, milady.

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (12/3/2008 16:02:55)
Dialogue between a teen-aged conscription opponent and a French representative French Representative: Bienvenue, monsieur. How may I be of assistance to you? Conscription Opponent: Salutations, monsieur. I seek information concerning this new policy that those of the Convention Nationale are considering. Why do you wish to implement conscription? Do you not have enough soldiers as it stands? Representative: Of course, young man, we have more than enough to defend our country. However, is it not one's duty to fight for one's country while still able? Opponent: I suppose that is true, though as it is said, mindless nationalism is just that. Can one truly call one's self "patriotic" when one is only supporting their country to support their country? Can conscription, wherein a man is forced to fight for his country only because he must, not because he wishes to, truly be patriotic? Or is it mere nationalism? Representative: Jeune homme¹, your reservations are quite understandable. However, La France is still in need of more fighters- to better crush our rivals, not because we lack in able-bodied, willing men. Whether it is by your choice or by your duty, the service you will have performed for your country is the same. Opponent: With that, I agree. The service would indeed be the same. What I am attempting to convey, however, is that the spirit in which I perform the service would be different; it would be blank, without cause. Representative: Then change your definition of what is patriotic and what is not. The argument which you present is one of opinion and definition. What I am attempting to convey is that being patriotic is being patriotic- it is based on what you do, not the temperament with which you carry out the act. Opponent: Very well, that will remain a difference of opinion. You still have not, though, answered my original question: why does the Convention call for conscription at all? Representative: Because, if you are unaware, there are contre-révolutionnaires² stirring unrest and trouble among the people. We cannot allow these... people to even begin their evil mission. They wish to bring down La République, and reinstitute the Old Regime! If we cannot amass a force strong enough to break them at once, they may grow in number and cause much grief for both the people and the government. In addition, after Le Roi Louis XVI's treason, we cannot be sure that other, foreign powers will not band together to attack La France. Does that answer your question, monsieur? Opponent: For the time being, monsieur. Peut Dieu être avec vous³. ¹ Young man ² Counterrevolutionaries ³ May God be with you.

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (12/10/2008 14:49:12)
I Was Wondering It has come to my attention that there are many things in this world that do not make sense. For example, why are there so many things that sound alike, but have such radically different meanings? Hummus can be good to eat. However, humus is not. Hubris cannot be eaten, but may cause you to eat your words. It's good to have humus, but not to have hubris; having hummus can be good or bad, depending on your tastes. Finally, while you should put humus in the ground, hummus in the ground won't do you nearly as much good, and hubris doesn't fit here, either. Why is a goodnight different from a good knight? Can a good knight give a goodnight well? If you have a good knight, might you have a good night, knowing that he will protect you? If you say goodnight to your good knight, might he have a good night? In sum, is the following statement true? "For a good night, say goodnight to a good knight." Furthermore, what's with this "'Cause," "Cause," "Coz" thing? 'Cause coz isn't nearly like cause, nor is a cause like 'cause. What is the cause of this? Just 'cause, coz. On a related note, shouldn't "Caustic" be a stick that causes things to happen? Or should it be a stick used by your cousin? Confusion abounds.

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (8/7/2009 14:35:26)
We Apologize For Any Convenience RE: Earth From: The combined populace of the planet To: Whoever started this thing; everyone who is dead; ourselves; everyone not yet born Whomever it May Concern, We apologize most humbly for the many ways in which we have ruined this planet we have been entrusted with. As such, those responsible for each problem will write their own letter of apology, appended below. From the Politicians, Clergy, Rulers, Leaders, Revolutionaries, et al: We sincerely apologize for our random and constant killing off of each other. We recognize that in our genocides and wars, we usually do not simply send our soldiers to fight for what we believe to be right, but instead whatever we want. In addition, we understand that instead of only instructing our soldiers to kill the other soldiers, we often have them kill, loot, rape, etc. the ordinary citizens of the world, or virtually condone such activities. We further recognize that scorched-earth and other such tactics destroy everything and everyone in sight, regardless of affiliation or the lack thereof. From the Industries in sum, Past, Present and Future: We sincerely apologize for our contributions to the self-indulgent, decadent lifestyle that has become increasingly obvious in the past few years. This is the same lifestyle that has led many to be left behind in the poisoned dust of "progress," damned forever to a life of misery and poverty, unable to secure jobs or proper care. This is the same lifestyle that has wrecked the planet whose care we have been entrusted with, and continues to do so from day-to-day. Many apologies. From the Hordes of Rampant Incompetents: We're sorry that we seem to botch everything we put our hands to, whether it's managing a business to managing a country. We've really messed up a lot, haven't we? Sorry about that, we'll try not to do it again. From the Indignant Indifferent: While we do not believe that we have any reason to apologize, we shall do so anyway, because they want us to. "They," of course, refers to our leaders and/or the majority, who graciously make our decisions for us. This whole mess is their fault, anyway; why didn't they do something better? It's not like we influenced their actions: on the contrary, we did everything in our power to do nothing in our power. So, we suppose that we apologize for the others. From the Oppressed: We are very sorry for whatever it is we have apparently done, but we fear that we do not know what it is. Could you please give us some clarification for such? Unfortunately, you will likely have to go through our owners - pardon us, typographical error; leaders - to do so, and they may not inform us. For our own good, we suppose. We honestly do not know. All we know is what they tell us, and that is little. From the Combined Populace of the World, Past, Present and Future: Pardon our dust. P.S.: The United States Congress would like to append the following apology, seventeen years late. It seems that they had to take a vote to see whether or not they would, indeed, apologize. This vote was then delayed for several years by a record filibuster, lasting in its entirety 1826.25 days, three months, forty-three days, six hours, two minutes and twenty-four seconds, at which point it was interrupted by the speaker's heart attack. During this period, both parties convinced their constituents that the opposite side was, in fact, Satan incarnate. After several witch trials, and many riders, the bill was finally brought to a vote: Should We Apologize? Along with this question, it would allot five million dollars for chicken farmers who wish to diversify into pig farming; three-and-one-half million dollars to provide coupons for the bankrupt; four-point-twenty-five million dollars to provide cheap home furnishings for vagabonds; and twenty billion dollars to fund future searches for needy minorities. After this, it was finally voted upon. The final tally was 51-49 against, which fell upon strict party lines. As such, while they could not apologize at the time, they now have the following apology for the world to see. From the Congress of the United States: Oops.

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (10/26/2009 11:41:46)
Off-Key I realized recently that most of what I do is just the slightest bit off-key. We all have our own idiosyncrasies, which gives the world its diversity. Often, though, they are discouraged by society, particularly peer pressure. "In-style" is a common dictator of what people wear, with "out-of-style" being a common deterrent. As much as I rail against mindless conformity, though, mindless non-conformity is just as dangerous; indeed, it is essentially the same thing. "I don't like this." "Why not?" "Because you do." There is no more thought, no more personality in this than the opposite. Why write a piece composed entirely of accidentals? Doing so removes the personality which they lend to a song. As such, I encourage people to be just a bit off-key, as much as fits their personality. My own off-key style first occurred to me when looking in a mirror. I noticed that my outfit was an odd mish-mash of apparel. Since we were going to an art gallery, I was wearing my "nice" clothing: a pseudo-silken shirt, some khaki pants. In addition to this, however, I wore a beret from the 101st Airborne, which had sat in the top of my closet for fifteen years. On the edge of my nose were a pair of sunglasses from Spring Break, one nose piece broken off, giving them a slight tilt to the left. To keep my arms warm, I had on a hand-me-down jacket, unzipped and rumpled from lack of care. My shoes used to be white, but they have long been tan with dust and use. Beyond my outfit, there lie further sharps and flats. Contrary to the modern style for young males, my hair is combed over to the right, for no reason other than that it keeps it off my face (the same reason I wear the beret). My gait varies greatly; sometimes I walk with my back straight and face up, other times I find my head tilted down and to the side, looking up at the world through the corner of my eye. Sometimes, I walk briskly, other times I sway from one side to the next, leisurely meandering to nowhere. I love music. You might have guessed this from my frequent metaphors concerning such in this essay. Because of this, I frequently listen to an MP3 player, packed full to the brim of storage. And as terrible as my singing tends to be, I like to sing along. I might one moment be proclaiming my love of Finland- a country which I have never been to, nor one of which I have much knowledge- and the next I might be whispering the lyrics to a somber, introspective tune. After that, perhaps I'll decry the outbursts of violence common in society today, or maybe just decide to celebrate Weasel Stomping Day. No, I have nothing against weasels, but I do adore that song. Possibly the best sum of my view of myself comes from a brief exchange of a friend of mine and I had recently. Upon looking me over, he remarked, "Adam, we need to find you a new look." I laughed, and simply replied, "Look? I don't have one." While I don't mind people going for a certain image- with the exception of "shock factor" silliness- I think that it's more important to reflect your personality than look "cool." Maybe it is, maybe it isn't; I'll believe what I want. I just want you to believe what you want, as well. Special orders don't upset me.

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (1/4/2010 11:49:14)
Who Am I? Who I Am. For many weeks now- perhaps months, I can't quite remember- I have been trying to discover who, exactly, I am. At my age, that's hardly a novel experience. A lot of what I'm going to say has probably been said before, countless times. But, as usual, I just have to write it out if I want to actually organize my thoughts. I'll try to answer that immortal question, "Who am I?" as best I can. I have decided that I have been trying too hard to define myself. The soul is not a material object; it is a representation of one's nonphysical being. Therefore, it is nearly impossible, in my opinion, to truly define. How could I ever try to sum myself up in words? To the best of my knowledge, which is admittedly little, no language could ever fully define me, nor anyone. For, we are not compilations of adjectives: we are comprised of contradictions and combinations, ever changing- hopefully- and evolving. Recently, I remarked to a friend that what I want in life is "to go through life, finding happiness and doing as little harm as possible." Which promptly produced a debate/discussion concerning the plausibility of such a life. Not my intent, because I honestly do not care how plausible it is. As the excellent movie Secondhand Lions states, "there are some things that a man must believe in, whether they're true or not." This, for me, is one of those things. I shall try to do good deeds when I can. I shall try to better myself when I can. But I should not spend my entire existence constantly searching for such an opportunity; I have tried that, and ended up looking so hard for opportunities that I probably overlooked more than I found. All in all, it crashed and burned, much like most of the foolish decisions I have made. This brings up another topic I need to sort out for myself: what do I believe? This is another difficult question to answer for most my age, for we are still developing. I think, however, that I may produce a tentative answer. I believe in, among other things, compassion. We all have problems; we shall always have problems; we shall always create more problems. Yet, if ever we were to all attempt to help each other solve those problems, perhaps the world might... improve somewhat. I know that such a concept is idealistic, not pragmatic. I am not an idealist. Nor am I a pragmatist. I am an amalgam. Then again, perhaps that is the best answer to my question.

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (1/10/2010 15:22:58)
Truth Show me a man who keeps his promises, and I will show you a healer. Show me a man who speaks only truth, and I will show you an angel. Show me a man who loves without restraint, and I will show you beauty. Show me a man who never swears, and I will show you patience. Show me a man who apologizes when in the wrong, and I will show you grace. Show me a man who thinks before he speaks, and I will show you a leader. Show me a man who has never erred, and I will show you the way to the nearest mental health institute.

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (1/25/2010 13:13:53)
Abstract Desperation I want so desperately to reach out and touch your beautiful face but I can't because I'm stuck behind this damned screen I want to take away your pain and heal you and thereby complete myself but I can't because I don't know what to say I want to finally tell you exactly how I feel to express myself through my verse and prose and show you exactly what kind of person I am beneath this exterior of laughter and self deprecation but I can't because I'm too much a fool I want to organize my thoughts so that I can finally write more appropriately to describe what you mean to me but I can't because my mind is so busily whirling about longing for you seeking you trying to find some way to make its way to you where it can wrap itself around you nestle in and fall asleep in the wonderful aura of life that surrounds you I want to hear your voice calling me I want to know how to write music because that way maybe I could write a song for you instead of these stupid words which never quite cooperate with me I want to improve myself so that I can be a better person for you I want to be the person you want me to be I want to be the person I want me to be I want to live and laugh and cry with you I want to let you know that I shall always love you I have always loved you I love you now and I want to break out of this cage of my own construction which has contained me for so many years I want to let you know I need to let you know I must let you know.

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (1/25/2010 13:15:58)
Hello, It's Me, Adam Excuse me, God, may I speak with you a moment? I swear I won't take much of your time. It's not really important, anyhow, but I'd just like an answer. Even a small one would be nice. Thanks. I'd like to know why you have entrusted me with the ability to bend words. I know I'm inexpressibly behind the best of those who have this talent, but still, every little bit helps. The main thing I’m confused about is, "Why me?" Aren't there better vessels than a silly, confused teenager? Please be aware that I'm not insulting your choice; I trust your judgment. I dare say I trust it a good deal more than my own. Is it perhaps because I can't otherwise organize my thoughts properly? Hah, in that case, it's helped some. Still can't organize my thoughts properly anyway, most of the time! Nonetheless, as I said, it helps. I'm just a bit confused. If I may go so far as to ask, why have you given me such people in my life as I have? Aren't there others who deserve these friends and family much more than I do? Do I really merit them? I mean, I've hurt them at times. I've pushed them away and even dealt with them harshly at times. I try to do the right thing, but I'm a fool, and probably always will be. Not that that's really a bad thing, mind you. Merely a statement of fact. On a related subject, I'm also curious as to why you've let them help me as they do. I cannot properly express my thanks for this. It's just that it seems no matter what I've done, they forgive me in the end. I don't think I deserve that. I've been an idiotic coward, a hypocrite, and probably just about every other negative title that can be thought up. Yet, you still grant them this beautiful desire to forgive me, and to heal my many scars. For this, I thank them, and by extension, you. It's a turbulent world you've put me in. I've hurt myself a lot by playing with knives. For that, I thank you. Please write back soon, Adam

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (3/8/2010 16:28:07)
On Meaning I find deep meaning in odd places. I think that I always have. For as far back as I can remember, certain words and objects have held connotations for me far different from others. Many things, including reading messages by other people whom I have never seen, produce liminal images in my mind; these are impossible to describe, as I cannot see them clearly. The best way in which I can even attempt to portray these is by simile: I experience them as one experiences a dream only vaguely remembered. Beyond these, however, a variety of things strike me far more strongly than they do certain others. Certain commonplace words, for example, hold immense power in my mind. "Beauty" is one example of such a word. It saddens me that language is so limited; I strongly desire words at times to describe such things. Some emotions I have felt, I cannot describe other than simply "beautiful." Hence, I often end up sounding repetitive in my descriptions of things which I greatly enjoy, as "lovely," "pretty," and "gorgeous" just don't affect me as strongly. On the other hand, other words have extremely negative connotations for me, such as "trash." There are few words, to me, so dismissively insulting as to call something mere "trash." I have attempted to convey this occasionally, but I am no longer sure that I can; it is a personal reaction. Similarly, certain songs whose lyrics seem odd or not particularly excellent, even to me, express very powerful emotional content when I hear them. This is, in large part, why I so enjoy the works of Rivers Cuomo, Scott Weiland, Serj Tankian, and Dave King, among others. While all of these can write lyrics which are beauteous in and of themselves, they also often write lyrics charged with energy. Please note that lyrics here mentioned may have been written in collaboration with others; I mention the main writer of the album of band. Going in order from first to last- with order having nothing to do with my opinion of them: Rivers Cuomo's lyrics are often simplistic, but with very distinct meanings with which many can identify. Nonetheless, certain of Weezer's albums express one main feeling, such as their latest, "Raditude," which strikes me as by-and-large a happy one. "No way, we ain't gonna break up, / Made a promise and my will won't fade out…" - Tripping Down the Freeway, "Raditude," Weezer Scott Weiland's writings range from the poetic ("You're the wonder in everything that's wonderful …" - Wonderful, Stone Temple Pilots) to the, ah, uninspiring ("I got a girlfriend, / She goes to art school; / I got a art school girlfriend, yeah …" - Art School Girl, Stone Temple Pilots). Still, songs such as Atlanta (from "Purple," Stone Temple Pilots) or Messages (from "Libertad [Deluxe Edition]," Velvet Revolver) are very moving. "As I'm fading out, / I don't feel anything at all, / … Now you'll be safe but not alone." - Wonderful, "Shangri-La-Dee-Da," Stone Temple Pilots Probably partially because he was not born in this country, though that is only a guess, much of Serj Tankian's work has grammatical anomalies ("Love is strong, hearing as loud as gunfire away …" - Charades, Serj Tankian). Nonetheless, it is almost always apparent what the message of the song is, even if said message is conveyed strangely at times. Certain songs, such as Blue (from "Elect the Dead [Bonus Version]," Serj Tankian) to me convey a sense of desperation: "I don't see nothing but pain and misery / 'Cause you are the one for me / Why can't it all be true? / Can I escape with my blue, fallen reverie? / Why can't it all be true? Why can't it all be true? …" Many songs by System of a Down capture the essence of chaos, forming it into something which I find can be quite lovely, if not melodic. "And every time I try to go where I really want to be, / It's already where I am, / 'Cause I'm already there!" - Sugar, "System of a Down," System of a Down Finally, Dave King's work was one of the main reasons which I began writing poetry again. While his works are usually a bit more distinct than some songs that I have here mentioned, I still find myself continually moved when listening to Flogging Molly's lyrics, particularly those written concerning war or love. "Puncture the skin, / And watch its blood run cold / On desert sand. / Come hear the men from mothers / With childless hands …" - The Lightning Storm, "Float," Flogging Molly

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (6/1/2010 14:16:59)
Just A Thought Recently, I noticed that as I get older, I become more bitter, more discontented, and less unhappy. With every passing year, my opinion of the world seems to drop to a new low; I become less tolerant of those whom I consider to be fools; and yet, I am happier now than I have ever been in my remembrance. I have more friends, and closer friends, than I can recall having had in the past. I no longer find myself with the urge to scream at myself when sitting alone in a room. No longer do feelings of hollowness plague me. I am more at peace with myself than ever before. Someone whom I know, and for whom I had shortly before acquired a… distaste… once remarked of me, that while I might write lots of angry poetry, I am loathe to take real action. This was not said to me- I was informed of it by a dear friend- but had it been, I would have informed this person that writing poetry is the manner in which I take action. My works have grown more allegorical of late, but they have perhaps grown stronger yet in their messages. For all of this, though, I have written far fewer pieces than previously. I have stopped reading the news, instead turning my mind to the classic literary works. I have, in large part, cut myself off from the wrongs of the world. Sometimes I wonder if this makes me a hypocrite. I sometimes wonder if, as I once wrote, "I watched, and observed, and did nothing." And then I think: Yes. I am a hypocrite. And I no longer care. I talk of principles, yet at times abandon my own when it will meet my own. Not the innermost- mainly that of honesty. I lie- well, I exaggerate- almost every day. With only the best of intentions. I am, as Dante put it, a flatterer. However, my flattery serves two ends. One, the obvious one, to raise peoples' opinions of me, because I'm the sort of vain idiot who likes to be liked. The second comes from my worldview. Now, I am a personal optimist. I believe that in life, I'll probably do decently- I'll grow up, get a degree, get a job, get married, live, and die in obscurity, like most people do. A good life; it will have ups and downs and zig-zags and diagonals, and will generally bring me fulfillment. I am a political, social, and ecological pessimist. I do not claim to know what will happen to the world. What I fear will happen is that as society's mores will become more rigidly conservative (and more oppressive), individuals will become more foolish, more avaricious, and generally more depraved, until society collapses. I sincerely hope that the world will turn around in time to prevent this; however, if society continues on the path upon which I feel it to be, I think that it is a possibility that this will come to pass. Therefore, I attempt to ease the passing for everyone already here. I flatter people because it makes them feel good. I gloss over their flaws and exaggerate their merits because it brightens their day. I am a lying, unprincipled hypocrite. And I intend to remain so. Just a thought.

Cow Face -> RE: The Steakhouse: Other (6/10/2010 13:31:41)
On the Internet In my life, the Internet is perhaps one of man's most important inventions. As some of you may know, I do not have a particularly active social life. Then again, by the evidence of my above statement, all of you may have guessed this. Humans need a certain amount of interaction to stay sane; I do not pretend to know how much this is. However, I would assume that it varies from person to person. I think that I have found mine. My sole real-life companions, beyond my family, are a small peer group provided by the Boy Scouts of America program. Not at all a bad thing to have: about twenty or so other boys within my age range, with whom I meet once a week, for an hour and a half. Still, it's not terribly much: an hour and a half out of one-hundred-sixty-eight hours a week. It also doesn't help that I cannot truly "connect" with them, so to speak. We have but few shared interests, nor can I broach more serious subjects with them, for the most part. Admittedly, I do have my family for this, but it's preferable to have some fresh opinions, a new outlook to hear. Part of my problem with connecting with most my age is that I matured too quickly, in some respects. For two or three years, I was living almost exclusively in my head, pushing away all who might come near. I told myself that it was to "protect" them, but... Well, I've written on that rather a lot. It's a sad fact, at least about myself, that living in one's head ages one rather quickly. For when you have exhausted your mistakes, you begin just questioning yourself in general. I shan't bore you with all of the questions I asked myself, for they are myriad. A few highlights: Who am I? What am I? Does my life have meaning? Is there a God? If there is, does it care? What will I do in life? Will I ever become better than I am? Am I a good person? And what if I'm not? The good news: I decided, in the end, that I was not indeed evil, but I was- and probably still am- an idiot. The bad news: The first three questions went unanswered for quite some time. This realization, or rather lack thereof, depressed me rather strongly for some time. I felt that I was stumbling through life, with no tangible goal, toward no tangible end, except a life of quiet desperation and a death of quiet unimportance. I had friends, yes, but I was so damnably detached from them that I prevented myself from truly enjoying the sensation. I knew that I loved my family, but I would never open myself up to them, as I didn't want to frighten, or worse, hurt them with my questions. Over these years, my use of the Internet gradually became more refined, and more intense, so to speak. I went to fewer sites, but became more active on those in which I participated. My group of online friends expanded, and I gradually became more in touch with those whom I already had. Still, feelings of hollowness and despair plagued me. I have since discovered exactly what I needed, and what I still need. What finally told me that my life does have meaning is that I have managed, at times, to impact another person's life for the better. But more importantly, I have gained the love of people who have no responsibilities toward me, nor to whom I hold responsibility. I have finally learned how to love people as friends; I have learned true compassion. As with any group, I have not been without disappointment, even at times intense sadness, due to my interactions with these people. I have gained and lost friends among these people, some of whom have affected me more deeply than others. I have, to be perhaps a tad melodramatic, known both betrayal and the betraying of others. Yet, most importantly, I have known the love of people who need not love me. I am lonely no longer. In my life, the Internet is perhaps one of man's most important inventions.

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