Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy
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Regrets Tomorrow, I must tell you how I feel. This is something I'd prefer to tell you face-to-face, but that won't be today. And who knows what'll happen tomorrow, or a week from now? Today is the only day I know I have. So I want to finally live, and use the days given me. I'm tired of being a coward. This isn't easy for me. I'm naturally rather reserved. So pouring out my feelings is... odd, to say the least. I realized that I've been a fool. For all of my life, I've lived with one main goal: not to hurt anyone. I spent years trying not to hurt anyone, and shoving people away while doing so. I wouldn't let myself grow close to anyone, because I was afraid I'd screw up and hurt them. These past months with you have opened me up, in ways I never expected. The reason I first spoke to you was because I figured you couldn't hurt me, and I couldn't hurt you. I saw no problem. It wasn't until recently that I learned how close I had allowed myself to come to someone. It wasn't frightening, thank God. I'm still growing, emotionally as well as mentally and physically. I'm growing up, something I needed to do. I'm finally allowing myself to live, for once. Yet even after I grew close to you, I found that I was still, and still am, afraid of hurting someone. Someone like you. I'm afraid that one day, I'll say something wrong, and watch my relationship with someone I care about crash and burn before my eyes. But I came to the realization last night that if I don't stop being such a coward, I'll never enjoy life. It's something I've talked about, but never accepted for myself. So I have something to tell you, and I hope it's not something I'll crack my head open on. For once, I want to be the monkey that tries to fly. And I just hope there's a cushion below me. I think, strongly believe, that I love you. I've felt a wide variety of emotions. I've felt lust, and minor infatuations. I've held fraternal and familial love for people. But this is not something I've felt before. So I don't know what else to call it. You deserve to know. You deserve more than I can give you. You deserve someone who is open, loving; someone who can actually talk with you about how you make him feel. What if I'm not the one? What if I tell you this and end up stumbling over myself and falling face-first into a mistake? Worse still... ...what if you laugh? Tomorrow, I must tell you how I feel. But will I? Maybe not. No. Good-bye. Mirrored Today, you shall meet an old friend. What an odd coincidence this had been. As soon as Tobias had woken up, something in his mind- a pleasant tenor voice, far from his own- had told him that. Now, he was sitting across the table from Samuel, who had been his best friend in high school. That now lay more than twenty years behind both of them, though, and they had gradually drifted away. Nonetheless, they now conversed easily, full smiles shining through their sometimes downcast countenances. "So, Sam," smiled Tobias, calming after a particularly raucous bit of laughter, "how've you been getting along over the years? 's been a while." Samuel shrugged, returning the grin. "Not bad; I got the job I wanted as an accounting assistant recently. The economy's in the tank, but I guess I got lucky..." He trailed off, once more giving the slightest of shrugs. Nodding, Tobias replied, "Sounds great! I just got laid off a couple weeks ago-" he paused here to let Samuel interject some sympathetic noises- "but I'm still alright for now, just looking for a job. I'm sure I'll get one before things get too bad, though," he added. Shaking his head flippantly, he turned the conversation back over to his friend. "How's the wife doing? Still together, right?" "Yeah," grinned Samuel. "Even though we met right out of college, Abby and I are still getting along well." Liar. That one word wriggled into Tobias' mind, for no apparent reason. Stranger still, it was delivered in a more bitter version of that same tenor from earlier in the day. Upon looking into his friend's green eyes, he noticed a slight hollow quality in them. Shaking it off internally, Tobias stapled on a grin that seemed just a tad too wide, and replied with a simple, "Sounds good." Samuel glanced down at his wristwatch, and ran a hand through his dense blonde hair. "Looks like I should be going, wife's expecting me back home soon. Great to see you again," he said, extending his hand. Tobias nodded, and took the hand offered to him. "Good t- to see you, too," he said, catching on the first "t." He found himself still unnerved by that uncharacteristic thought. Why had he suddenly felt that Samuel wasn't telling the truth? He shook his dark hair slightly as he stepped backward, nodding his good-byes. Liar, nudged the voice inside him again. When he tried to ignore it, it wriggled into his ears, tickling at his mind. He'll be getting a divorce soon; he's not good to her. She hates him. And he'd better divorce her- she won't be able to take much more of it before she cracks... The floor lurched under him, and the floorboards promptly disappeared. Shards of glass began to swirl around him, though without eliciting the barest hint of fear from him, or indeed, from the other customers in the diner. Tobias was more preoccupied with the voice in his mind than the black shapes parading around him. The sun belched as the moon burst from its middle, and exploded. All was dark, with the exception of Tobias and Samuel, whose green eyes wavered to blue, his blonde hair falling away. "What are you?" whispered Tobias before his voice became a shrill ringing. Sweating, Tobias sat bolt upright in bed. Blinking wearily, he groped for his alarm clock, which was screeching at him to silence it. He pushed his moist hair away from his forehead, and licked his dry lips. "Whudda weird drim," he muttered, trying to wake up. "Bad salad last night? I thought I should've thrown that out." Sliding out from under the covers, he pressed his feet firmly on the warm carpet. Turning his half-shut brown eyes to the clock, he glanced at the time. Six o'-clock in the morning; too early to job-hunt, but too late to go back to bed. Besides, he was exhausted... Surely one Sunday could be sacrificed as a day off? He decided to consider that over breakfast. After pulling on some ill-fitting pants, he shambled into the next room. As he lived alone, he hadn't bothered to buy a house yet, nor did he need a car, so his small apartment and its furnishings were his possessions in life. Pulling back the door of the cabinets, he scanned the shelves. Nothing. It had been too long since he had bought groceries: that was something he could do today. From the way that his stomach was growling, it needed to be high up on his list of priorities. Today, you shall win the lottery. "I'm awake, right?" muttered Tobias, slapping his face lightly. He had all the signs of being awake, so he supposed that he was. Yet that voice was back: at least the news was more pleasant this time. "Why not?" he asked himself. If nothing else, it would only cost him a dollar to play the scratch-off tickets, and if he won, great. He finished getting ready, and headed out. *** "No, I don't want to," growled the woman at the cash register. She twirled her bright red hair as she glared at the cell phone on her ear. Her harsh Eastern accent grated Tobias, but he was more put off by the fact that she wasn't tending to her customers. "Honestly, you act so, so stupid," she sneered. "Can't you do a thing right nowadays? And-" Finally, she noticed Tobias, who had been standing at the counter with an air of patience for some time. Sighing, the woman shrilled, "Now look, I've got a customer and you're jabbering on to me about 'spending time with each other,' though you sure's Hell didn't want to all the times I suggested it. God, Sam, at times I swear I could kill you!" When she turned to Tobias, she was all insincere politeness. "Hello, sir, anything I can do for you today?" Taken aback by this shift in tone, Tobias stammered, "Uh, yeah, thanks. Just this soda and... eh, one of those," he indicated with his finger, "scratch-offs there." After she rang it up and gave him his change, he used a penny to scratch off the ticket. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. He let out a yelp of pleased surprise, and turned to look at her, eyes glowing. "I won!" he crowed. The woman at the counter- Abigail, by her name tag- looked skeptical. From how well she managed this, it was obvious that she had some years' experience with looking skeptical. "Lemme see that," she said, taking it from his open palm. Looking over the rules of the game, she too shared in his enthusiasm. "Ohmigawd, I don't believe it! Great for you!" she exclaimed. "A hundred thousand free ought'a be nice, eh?" "A hundred thousand!?" gaped Tobias. He snatched the ticket back from her, and stared at it. Sure enough, getting three sevens in a row carried a ten-thousand dollar reward, and having the fourth number be seven multiplied your winnings by ten. He hadn't known that any scratch-offs carried such a reward. "This'll change my life!" he cried, looking at the woman's featureless face. Terror gripped him as he stared at her. Something was seriously wrong. She just stood there, a mannequin. He tried to step backward, but found that his shoes were stuck to the ground. As such, he merely watched in creeping horror as her plastic head toppled to the ground in front of his feet. Her arms were next, the alabaster-white skin cracking in multiple places as it struck the ground. Finally able to move, he stumbled backward, falling over his own feet as he attempted to flee. Had he turned but a second later, he would have seen the sharp blue eyes examining him from the head of the plastic creation. As it was, he only heard that haunting tenor, saying something to him that was lost in the din of the train going by. A shake broke Tobias out of his reflections, and he came to with a startled curse. His wild eyes glanced around in all directions, finally coming to rest on the woman who had startled him. "You..." he gasped. It was the same woman from his dream, the same which had fallen to pieces. "How did you do that?" "Do what?" The woman gave him a quizzical stare. "Wake you up? I just shook you; from where you were laying, I guessed you'd fainted. You feeling alright?" Tobias glanced around at his surroundings, expecting to find himself in the gas station, with the lottery ticket in his hand. Instead, he found his face greasy with blacktop residue, and his limbs stiff from the hard surface. Cars roared by all around him, none even slowing to look at the strange man who was laying on the side of the road. He pushed himself up, trying to figure out where he was. There was a concrete barrier near him, against which he propped his back. No other significant landmarks were there, so all he knew was that he was somewhere on the highway. Yet, he lived miles away from the nearest highway. Realizing that he had been silent, he turned back to the woman. "Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. I dunno what's up, exactly; just having an off day, you know?" She seemed to feel this was an acceptable response, so she straightened, told him to be careful, and then drove off in her car, parked not far from him. He pushed off of the concrete, shakily coming to his feet. Opening his mouth to groan, he said, "Today, you shall cut off your hand." He nearly fell over again as he did so. What's wrong with me? he thought to himself. I think I'm going crazy. Shaking his head, he looked around some more, and eventually noticed a sign in the distance. Upon approaching it, he found that he was six miles away from his town. From the way the sun was shining down on him, he judged it was about noon, and he was hungry. "Well," he muttered to himself, "if I'm going to get some psychological help, I guess I'd better eat first. Wouldn't do to starve before I'm healed." He started the trek back to town. *** He stalked past the city limits clutching his stomach. Almost doubled-over with hunger, Tobias felt as if he were about to be sick. He took a quick break on the sidewalk to rebuild his fortitude, and watched the cars go by. How strange they all seemed: cold metal husks, their windows tinted, preventing people from seeing inside. They spent all their lives rushing from place to place, only stopping when they had reached where they were going, or met a barrier. People lost themselves in cars. Someone who always looked for the best in people, or was at least cordial, might berate the intelligence of someone else who was driving too slowly for their taste. His thoughts were interrupted by a loud rumble from his stomach; he came back to the world, remembering his goal. Lurching to his feet, he walked on thin soles to the nearest deli. As his town was a rather small one, a "deli" consisted of a few different types of meat and cheese, mainly variants on ham and turkey. The one which he had in mind was owned by a man named John, whose last name was a mystery to most. That majority just called him John to his face, and John the Butcher when addressing him in casual conversation. Despite owning the shop, he made sure that he had the largest load of work- he greatly enjoyed it. This propensity for slicing meat had earned him his nickname, of which he was oblivious. With his shoulder, Tobias nudged open the door to the shop, setting off the tinkling bell as he did so. The smell of fresh meat wafted to him, mixed with cigar smoke. John was almost always smoking, even when preparing food for his customers. He was careful not to get any ashes on it, but it was still a deterrent to many prospective customers. Tobias, at this point, was too hungry to care. "Hi," he grunted, shuffling across the white tiles to lean against the glass counter. John turned around from his knife collection to face Tobias. His bald head was surrounded by a hairnet, despite the lack of hair to merit it. Grey eyes examined Tobias as John replied, "Hey. What can I get for yeh today?" His voice was gruff, but not altogether unpleasant. It probably had to do more with his clenched teeth than his vocal cords. Glancing around at the meats, Tobias shrugged slightly. "You do sandwiches?" "Sure. Whadda yeh want on it?" "Yes." "Right, I'll get on that." A glint of amusement showed in John's eyes as he began grabbing out the various meats. "Yeh sure yeh want everything?" Tobias nodded curtly. "Everything. I'm starved." His stomach was bellowing at him by this point, and he frequently winced when a particularly sharp pain was sent through him. Nodding, John began slicing the meats. "Yeh know, knives are... kinda pretty, in a way. I mean, just for lookin'." Trying to be polite, Tobias replied, "Oh?" hoping that his voice was more enthusiastic than his mind. "Yeah! I mean, they've got this nice shine to 'em, they have such nice li'l curves... just pretty, yeh know?" He turned his head sideways, and said, "'ere. Take a look at these." He took one of the smaller ones out of the casing, and placed it on the counter for inspection. In doing so, he stopped slicing the meat, which irked Tobias. He took a look anyway. "Yes. Very nice." Tobias rolled his eyes, hoping a bit of his exasperation might come off in his tone. John just grinned, and nodded. Finally, Tobias was tired of waiting, and he slammed the knife down onto his own wrist. "Careful, there," grunted John. "Yeh can hurt yehrself if yer not careful." He indicated the small prick on Tobias' finger. Tobias stared down at his hand. It was perfectly well-attached; he had merely poked a tiny hole in his finger where he had carelessly touched the point. "Here, you can have this back-" he started, looking up at the butcher. He had been about to add, "Sorry about making you wash it," but he saw that John was quite different. The man's bald head now had a cropped blonde head of hair, and his eyes had become a piercing blue. One eyebrow was raised slightly, as he examined Tobias critically. Meanwhile, Tobias was stepping slowly backward, gripping the knife in his hand. "You... get out of my head. Get out!" The blonde-haired man merely tilted his head to one side, smirking slightly. Shaking his head to try to clear it, Tobias gripped the knife all the tighter. "Out!" he roared, ready to attack the man if he made any threatening movements. However, he just stood there, silently, sneering at Tobias, who finally turned and ran out of the shop, wanting just to get away from this mysterious figure. He shouldered into the door, shoving it roughly forward. When he stepped outside, he stopped. On the streets, the man was everywhere. A veritable army of him, of all sizes and builds, was gathered, staring at Tobias. Each had that same smirk, all tilted their heads at the exact same angle. Tobias' rigid fingers dropped the knife, and he just pointed at the army, panting with hatred and fury. Finally, he growled, "Say something, damn you!" The man in front's smirk became a tight-lipped smile. For once, none of the others imitated him. They all stared blankly forward, as if frozen in place. "Certainly, sir," he smiled. His voice was smooth, and in person, ranged somewhere between a high baritone and a low tenor. "My sincere apologies. I had not realized that you desired me to speak; indeed, I would have far before now, had I known. I am here to obliterate you." Tobias cocked an eyebrow back at the man. "And it takes you an army to do so? Not much of a fighter, huh?" The man laughed now, which would have been a nice sound under different circumstances. "You misunderstand my intent, sir. This assembly was merely to bring your attention to me. You see, on all previous instances of our meeting, you fled from me before I had sufficient time to speak to you. This 'army,' as you put it, shall not lay a hand on you. I am not here, sir, to kill you, nor even harm you. I am here to remove your existence. You shall not be dead, you shall simply not be. Far more clean than a murder, I assure you. It will begin in your mind- it already has. For you see, this world has no need of you." He paused to take a breath, and Tobias snatched up the knife. Seeing this, the man laughed again. "Please, sir. I have no corporeal form; I exist in your mind. Otherwise, obliteration would be impossible. Now, if you will allow me, I shall further the process." Tobias, heedless of his words, ran forward and plunged the knife into the man's throat. The man took no notice of this, however. He neither bled, nor even seemed to be aware that Tobias had moved. They stood on a blacktop, much as they had been just a moment ago. Now, though, the army, the shops, the cars, the city itself, were all gone. The strange man stood a foot away from Tobias, whose lip was curled in a feral growl. No knife was in his hand now, however. "Welcome, sir, to your mind." After a pause, he added, "It is empty." When Tobias merely continued to snarl, the man shook his head and tutted. "Honestly, I thought you might appreciate that, at least. Ah, well. Back to the matter at hand. "You see, you are merely another meaningless face to the world. You exist in physical form only, never making a true impression on... anything. Your mask is that of careless stoicism, when in fact, you cower behind this plastic façade. Tell me, sir: have you ever hated?" "Well, I want you to keel over and die. That hatred?" The man nodded. "Well enough. Have you felt anger? No, do not bother to answer- I can see by your face the answer. Anger, yes. Hatred, yes. Sadness. Despair. Pain. Bitterness. Fear. Yet, have you ever loved?" As was characteristic of him, he tilted his head to one side. "Sir, have you ever truly loved anyone?" "Course I have," growled Tobias. "To whom were your affections directed?" Tobias paused. Not a name came to mind. In the endless parade of faces before him, he had never once felt anything more than a friendly affection for a single one of them. Indeed, he had actively avoided such, preferring instead to avoid the possibility of harming anyone else. "Liar," purred the man, precisely as he had done when Tobias had been speaking with Samuel. "You, sir, are a coward, and the worst type. Behind that plastic image, you shake with fear at the prospect of being hurt. Again." The man's voice took on a more derisive tone. "God forbid that you should ever grow close to anyone else! After all, what if you make a slip, and end up hurting yourself? You could not have that, now could you?" He shook his head, for the first time betraying true emotion. A cold fury sprang into the man's eyes. "Learn to live, you fool. Damn you. Damn you for what you have done to me." He straightened, the smirk once more spreading across his countenance. "My apologies; I have been ungracious. My name, sir, is Tobias Robertson. Good-bye." Reaching an arm out, he took hold of Tobias' neck, who had to this point stood rigid, gripped by shock and fear. Tobias kicked him in the groin with all the strength he could muster. The man abruptly released his grip on Tobias' neck, and backed away quickly. "That hurt," he complained, not seeming to take nearly as much notice of the pain as he should have. "Well, yeah," exclaimed Tobias, his voice wracked with exasperation. "Did you really think I was just going to let you kill me? I'm not that stupid." Before the man could fully regain his balance, Tobias jumped upon him, pummeling him with his fists. At first, the man was too surprised to react, but he quickly managed to regain control of himself. He reached a hand up, gripping Tobias' face and pushing backward. Tobias had to let go, else he might be seriously hurt. Rolling off of the man, he crouched, arms raised, waiting for an attack. The man's foot hit him full in the face before he could react, and he fell over. Instantly, the man was upon him, throttling him. The rage in his eyes matched that in Tobias'; both realized that one or the other would die before this ended. Tobias, as his neck was being held with both of the man's hands, could move his arms freely. Though awkwardly, he managed to hit the man squarely across the jaw with his right elbow. In response, the man's head was turned slightly away, so Tobias followed up with a punch to the man's throat. Even this, however, had only a muted effect. Tobias was starting to weaken, due to the lack of air. Desperate, he reached up his hand and clawed at the man's eyes. This, at least, caused a reaction: the man snarled with pain, and released his grip briefly. Tobias rolled out of the way, gasping for breath. The man stomped on his stomach, winding him, and then was upon him once more. Fueled by desperation and adrenaline, though, Tobias managed to pry one arm off of his neck. The man tightened his grip with the other hand. "You must not succeed," he snarled. "You are the very reason that I have suffered all of these years. You must be obliterated, that I may be free." Tears of anger rolled down the man's cheeks. "You loveless freak," he growled. "Let me in!" His vision began to falter as the man's grip increased. Faces flashed in front of him. Lost opportunities. People whom he had shoved away in the name of compassion. Lies which he had lived. Mistakes which he would not, must not repeat. Fueled by a desperate need to correct his errors, he shoved the man to the side, and broke the man's grip on his neck. From there, he gripped the man's neck instead, and began bashing his head against the pavement. He found his fury replaced by a grim, sorrowful determination. He must not let himself die. "I'm sorry," he whispered. *** Man Found on Sidewalk April 5th A man, whom police identified recently as Tobias Robertson of Westville, Georgia, was found yesterday on the sidewalk. Eyewitnesses report that he was bleeding heavily from a head wound. A knife was found next to him, which a local butcher reported as being his own. Allegedly, the man took the knife and ran from the store, whereupon he collapsed upon the sidewalk. For causes which have at this time not been released, he was bleeding heavily from several gashes on the back of his head. No charges have yet been made. The hospital reports that he is in stable condition. One detail which was released to us by the hospital was that upon waking, Robertson said, "Never again." He fell asleep after this. Further information has yet to be released at this time.
< Message edited by Cow Face -- 11/16/2009 11:08:43 >
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