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Sentharn -> RE: Dragonfly Court - Stories - Comments - Anoril's Birthday (8/12/2008 15:30:39)
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Critique for: "Hope from Hate" (Eukara)
Quick Overview: More Dragons! MORE DRAGONS! *Dances* Um, anyways, I enjoyed the story (I admire your simplistic yet descriptive style,) and I like the calm-before-the-storm character interaction. As usual, nothing major, a few words that might need to be re-arranged, a certain section that might need to be more informative to the reader. I envy you and your writing skills.
Standard Critique Disclaimer: These are my opinions and no one else's. I will not be miffed or insulted in any way if you do not take my advice; indeed, I would be interested to see how many ways my comments could be interpreted into a story! Also, I am not a certified writer, so as with all other advice, take mine with a grain of salt. Use your judgment.
Main Critique:
quote:
I hope we are not too late Coriath.
I think it would help to have a comma after "late."
quote:
The call just came before the sun had risen.
This is readable, but it might work better if you put the just in front of before, or take it out entirely.
quote:
That would mean, Coriath, it is Densoro that was called to take care of the rogue dragons.
I got confused here. It might be helpful to make it more clear as to who/what Densoro is earlier in the story.
quote:
They called in a good fighter to take out the dragons though.
Methinks a comma in front of "though" might help some.
quote:
The great dragon pumped her deep golden wings hard, accelerating the already incredible speed at which they were traveling.
This sounds all right, but it might be better if you said that they were accelerating /past/ or /beyond/ the speed they were traveling; I don't think it's possible to accelerate a speed directly. *shrugs*
quote:
They flew over the mountain range, using the air currents to push Coriath up without her having to use much in the way of energy. Both Ellaurah and Coriath knew she needed all of her strength in the next hour or so. Another roar sounded and then was joined by a deeper resonant roar.
"To push Coriath up" sounds a little low energy; might it sound better to use a phrase such as, 'to keep aloft," or something similar? "Needed" is past tense; Coriath will need her energy in the future. Last, you may want to change the ending phrase to something like, "a deeper, more resonant roar," in order to emphasize the differences between the roars.
quote:
The small shape began to grow larger at an accelerated rate until Ellaurah could make out the pale turquoise body of Hiryuo.
Might I humbly suggest that the Dragonfly most high replace "at an accelerated rate," with something such as, "at an amazing rate," or "at a rapid velocity?" "Accelerated rate," implies that the object was moving slower at an earlier point in the story.
quote:
A short pause quieted Ellaurah’s mind before Coriath answered.
Methinks the verb, "quieted," is a little odd in this scenario. How weird. This was another, "I read it, thought it was weird, read it again, thought it was all right," phrase. You may want to consider the wording, just in case.
quote:
I saw the remains of a cooking fire and the residue of fire elsewhere indicating a camp of some sort.
This humble wannabe-critic believes with all of his (or her) soul that a comma after, "elsewhere," could quite possibly improve this sentence.
quote:
Yet, it seemed that the stuff belonged there.”
For some reason, this confuses me. Is this meant to imply that they have lived there for awhile? If so, then disregard that, I su...nevermind.
quote:
And many dragons are very, very talkative,”
This mere peasant was mirthful because s/he though that this sentence said, "male dragons..." at first.
quote:
If all humans and dragons saw the world as you, Densoro and other Dragonsibs, we would not have to be on the hunt so often.
This amateur writer sincerely believes that there should be a "do" in there somewhere, preferably after, "as."
quote:
Hiryuo looked at Densoro, his read eyes swirling nearly black, and walked over to Coriath.
Methinks that someday we will have a proper spell checker. Someday, we will have a spell checker that will be able to scan the context of a sentence, and so will be able to tell that, "read," although a valid word, should actually be "red" in this sentence.
quote:
We have had a few Dragons pass through Carn Elath in the last few months and they have been slightly condescending towards her.
/Slightly/ condescending? A few /slightly/ condescending males caused her to blow up?
Dragons must be very touchy. Methinks that there would have to be quite a few irritating dragons or a few very, very annoying ones.
quote:
Ellaurah did the same and noticed that Coriath seemed to be over the insult from Densoro. Coriath, closest to the edge, turned from Hiryuo and stepped off the ledge gracefully, spreading her wings out to catch the current.
Since Hiryuo is really quite a gentleman, might it help to reinforce the idea that the insult was inadvertent? Also, I forgot if this is part of your style or not, but it might help if "closest to the edge," was replaced by, "who was closest to the edge..." And once more, I think Gracefully is on the wrong side of "ledge." But that's just my opinionated self, as usual.
quote:
Yes, and more capable of a ruthlessness that even Ellaurah is unaware of. I would not cross her if my life depended on it.
This extremely opinionated author who loves making sure that subjects are meticulously clear wishes to inform the great Dragonfly that a "she is" right after "and" might help.
quote:
She is here, Ellaurah, about three dragonlengths to the left around the jutting stone. She is busy feeding and has not sensed us here.
Methinks the "jutting stone" sounds kind of odd, as if it were a stone manufactured for the purpose of jutting out. It might help to actually say, "the stone jutting out of the cliff," or something similar. Also, it may help to have a comma after "feeding."
quote:
Senses alert, he circled peak after peak, in an effort to sniff out the target.
In my critiquing, I believe I have made the oft-repeated statement that a sentence needs more commas. I have made this statement often, and repeated often. This is probably one of the most common problems, with any writer. Many writers do not use enough commas. I have repeated it often, "you need to add a comma here..." And yet I find myself repeating it even more. I have to say, "You need to add a comma," much too often for my own liking.
You need to remove the comma after "peak."
quote:
My question is whose magic are we dealing with?
This sentence needs more commas. I have said it many times in the past and I will once again re-use my old line and say, "This sentence needs more commas."
It might help if you put a comma after "is."
quote:
Before Densoro could complete the thought, something slammed into Hiryuo’s body hard, sending the dragon flailing through the air and plummeting to the ground. Densoro held tightly to the harness straps while clamping his legs tight against his dragonsaddle.
Read my mind. Guess what punctuation mark I humbly request you add just after, "Hiryuo's body?" I also think that "held tightly to..." sounds a bit odd. Does, "tightly held onto," sound better?
quote:
Hiryuo’s body twisted violently and nearly collided with the granite cliffs off to the side. Roaring furiously, the male rogue dragon dove down after the falling dragon, talons extended and razor sharp.
Did some ill-suited prop manager put those cliffs there? Methinks it sounds a bit odd, saying that cliffs are off to the side. I also humbly beg for you to consider re-ordering the last sentence to say something similar to..."...after the falling dragon, razor-sharp talons extended."
quote:
Hiryuo desperately searched for something to help him stop and gain some control over the current situation.
In my oh-so-humble-opinion, I think that "the" current situation might sound better as, "his" current situation.
quote:
Spying a small outcropping of rocks on the mountain side below, Hiryuo stretched out his great legs and prepared to spread his wings at the last minute.
How long does this battle last? How long does the dragon take to get to the outcropping? Might it sound better if you say, "last second?"
quote:
Densoro flung his gaze up towards and saw the rider for the first time.
This lowly servant humbly points out that, "towards," is probably meant to be part of, "upwards."
quote:
Densoro felt his entire body jarred violently as Hiryuo planted his legs into the side of the mountain while simultaneously spreading his wings to stop the fall.
Once again, in my so-humble-opinion, I think "the" fall should be "their" fall.
quote:
Hiryuo’s entire body shook in pain and Densoro himself could feel his dragon’s pain as his own and cried out.
Methinks that it might help if you said who cried out, (him, the dragon, both of them) and put a few commas in here.
quote:
Trying to stop in midair, the rogue bugled a frustrated cry and tried to avoid the collision from below. But he was not fast enough and the impact threw him sideways into the mountain side.
Methinks that it might help if you tried a verb besides, "trying" here, since it's used twice. Mayhaps something like, "attempting to stop...?" I also do believe that mountain side could be mountainside.
quote:
Ellaurah heard the curse and challenge from the female and it shook down into her soul.
This humble critic wishes to inform you that it may sound better if the last part had a subject ("her",) and for emphasis on the power of the roar/challenge, you might consider adding the word "very" in there somewhere. (...and it shook her down into her very soul.)
quote:
Nimbly, Coriath moved to avoid the brunt of the swipe; the tail only caught her on the hind leg.
Methinks that the word order sounds a little odd here; should Nimbly come after Coriath?
quote:
They tore into the Dragon’s flesh and she screamed in pain as the ichor gushed from the wounds. Swiveling her head around, her great jaws parted enough to bite hard into Coriath’s shoulder, and the Dragon pulled away, trying to rip the flesh from Coriath’s bone.
Who is biting who here? You may want to see if it can be made more clear for us lowly readers. Also, I've noticed you seem to randomly capitalize Dragon. Is this intentional?
quote:
A deep bellowing broke the silence from the sky. Spiraling down at top speed was the male rogue dragon, his violet eyes whirling black.
Methinks it might sound better if you say, "a deep bellow," because a verb can't fill the sky. At least, not in this space/time continuum.
quote:
Ellaurah ran towards Coriath, but stopped short, terrified for her Dragon.
She stopped /because/ she was terrified for her dragon? This sounds a little odd to me.
quote:
A wide gash spread across Coriath’s flank and the male clawed her again. Though Ellaurah could feel her Dragon’s immense pain, Coriath did not utter sound.
Where did the gash come from? Also, methinks that Coriath did not utter /a/ sound.
Defiantly, she glared at the male and head butted him, jabbing his neck with her horns.
quote:
The spikes on her tail sunk deep into Coriath’s flank and Ellaurah watched her dragon nearly bend in half sideways to lock jaws around the beast’s neck for the second time.
"nearly bend in half sideways" sounds like the word order might be reversed. Perhaps, "bend sideways, nearly in half, to lock jaws..."?
This humble grammar-examiner also thinks it might be a good idea to have a line/separator here.
quote:
Densoro, DrakeMaster Blade drawn, rounded a corner, engaged in battle with a swordsman of foreign skill.
Methinks the comma after corner may be unneeded, perhaps an "and" would work just as well?
quote:
The foreigner arched his curved blade over his head and brought it crashing down towards Densoro’s head.
Methinks that "arched" could also be "arced," depending on preference.
quote:
He deflected Densoro’s attack, but not enough.
Who deflected the attack?
quote:
The man dropped to one knee, calling out to his companion.
"Calling out," seems a little low-energy. Is there another verb that might work better here, like, "shouting out?"
quote:
Screaming with everything she had within her, she sent a double bolt of energy towards the male rogue and he turned in anger, skin charred and blackened.
You may want to tell us lowly readers exactly what charred his skin, to make it more clear.
quote:
The male dragon attacked Coriath again, this time ramming his entire body up against hers, pinning her to the granite wall. He pushed hard and Ellaurah could feel the pain it caused and Coriath’s growing inability to breathe.
"ramming his entire body up against hers," sounds a bit too wordy; might just, "Ramming his body against her," work? Also, this humble critic thinks that it should be more clear who is feeling the pain first, "...could feel the pain it caused her." Also, last, the "and Coriath's growing inability to breathe," sounds a little odd, perhaps something like, "and Coriath's inability to breathe, pinned between the wall and the dragon?"
quote:
Ellaurah aimed another attack at the rogue, but before she could release, the mage hit her with a darkness wave that threw her backwards and against the nest.
What was she trying to release? Methinks that "against the nest," could be a little more high-energy...would it be possible to substitute something like, her backwards, ramming her against the nest?"
quote:
On impact she heard a crunch from within and pain shot through her back and chest. Finding her breath short and painful, she watched the mage head towards Densoro, arms out to the side and another wave attack forming in front of her.
On the impact with what? Perhaps something like, "When she impacted with the nest..." could work equally well? I also think that "breath" might sound better as "breaths" in this situation, since she's obviously breathing more than one breath. I also think you need (yet another) comma, after "side," and the "and" could probably go if you decide to add the comma.
quote:
From behind Ellaurah, the pounding of wings sent dust whipping across skin and Ellaurah stood slowly clutching her chest.
Methinks it might sound better if it were specified who's skin the dust is whipping across. Also, "stood slowly," works, but so would, "slowly stood," and last, I humbly request a comma after stood or slowly (depending on which on you use,) immediately preceding, "clutching,"
quote:
Hiryuo swept over Ellaurah at an angle and crashed into the male rogue, sending him sprawling towards the cliff’s edge. The might of the turquoise dragon caught the rogue off-guard and it scrabbled for a hold on the rocks as he was pushed farther and farther towards the edge.
People/Dragons/french pastries usually are sprawled on the ground, not towards any one direction, if I recall. It does sound good though, so you could probably leave this. In the second sentence, you refer to the dragon as "it" at first, and then as "he."
quote:
Seeing the ground coming up fast, Hiryuo folded his wings, diving into the rogue with all his might and speed, pulling up at the last minute and watched the impact of the rogue on the ground. The crash reverberated through the mountain side and minutes later, laboring but smug, Hiryuo appeared and flew over to Coriath.
Methinks that, "coming" is a little odd here, since "seeing" is also in present tense. Might, "come," work just as well? Also, following the same thinking, might "diving" be "dived?"
quote:
Still feeling the effects of the darkness attack from the mage, Densoro brought his sword forward, jabbed and feinted to the left and the foreigner took the bait. As the foreigner moved to defend, Densoro pulled his sword back and slashed sideways, catching the man in the side. He then thrust his sword into the foreigner’s stomach and kicked him over the edge.
Methinks that a comma right after, "left" might help flow somewhat. Also, who is the foreigner defending?
quote:
Densoro turned to check on Ellaurah and felt the impact of a well-aimed punch in the face.
I would feel the impact of a well-aimed punch to the face as well. Could this be worded another way that gives the impact more energy?
quote:
As she pulled her arms back to send the dark wave into Densoro, Ellaurah sent what little she had left in the form of an energy strike at the mage's back.
What little of what?
quote:
The mage looked up at him and dropped to her knees, body slowly sliding off of the sword, and fell face down onto the granite clifftop.
This lowly writer begs the forgiveness of the mighty Dragonfly and suggests that adding a "her" in front of "body" might do well.
quote:
She is very worried about Ellaurah. She is afraid.
This seems redundant at first, but could also be a part of your style, emphasizing how afraid her dragon is. Personal preference matter.
quote:
Densoro stopped in his tracks. Only one thing instills fear in a true Dragon: losing their human companions.
Can dragons have more than one companion? Also, this is one of the only lines that is in present tense in the story.
quote:
She sat, leaning against the nest, pale and slick with sweat. Her breathing was labored and Densoro himself began to fear.
Methinks the first comma could actually be done away with for more flow. And who is Densoro fearing/fearing for?
quote:
Densoro saw the blackening area that wrapped from her chest to her back. And he could see it growing.
Since you say that the area is growing in the second sentence, might it work better to refer to it as simply the "blackened" area instead of the, "blackening" area?
quote:
The magic attack that hit her was felt even by me down below as I fought the male rogue.
The word order might need re-arranging here. Perhaps something like, "The magic attack that hit her was felt even by me, as I fought the male rouge down below?"
quote:
It mewed up at her and struggled to walk towards Ellaurah.
Me thinks that "her" and "Ellaurah" might be reversed.
quote:
Baby dragons imprinted the first person they saw, taking on attributes of that person. Ellaurah had to, no matter the cost, give the baby dragon something good to imprint.
Does the dragon just take /some/ of the attributes of that person, or does it take /the/ attributes of that person? Also, methinks the, "No matter the cost," could easily go in front of the sentence and might make it less broken up.
Conclusion:
DRAGONS! Okay, I should stop saying that now. This story has really made me like Dragons. I really liked the story, nothing majorly wrong (No run-on sentences, like my /last/ critique, thank goodness!)
*Goes and reads Pallor of Life*
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