The Dracowolf Times

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Coyote -> The Dracowolf Times (6/26/2008 1:03:59)
This is the comments thread for all of my various works on L&L. The HQ for all of my artwork literary, and the Table of Contents for everything I've written and posted on the boards. Versy's Artwork: The Coyote's Den Versy's Music: The Coyote's Compositions Versy's dA Page: http://versilaryan.deviantart.com/ (Shouldn't've been too difficult to figure out.) My dA page has /all/ of my works (Minus the stuff in the "Other" section, here) on it. That includes artwork and a few of the stories/poems that didn't quite make it up here. Table of Contents: Prince of Thieves: Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 (In Progress) A Blaze of Glory: (Discontinued) Part 1: 'Till Death Do Us Part Prologue Chapter 1: The Good Life Chapter 2: An Unexpected Journey Short Stories: Against the Tide A Blaze of Glory A Clean Flame (Planning) Demons of the Mind A Fallen Sun A Flash of Orange A Light in the Dark Shades of Gray (Planning) Shattered Memories (New!) The Sound of Silence The Taste of Cinnamon Why You Shouldn't Trust a Talking Coyote The Wrath of Truth A Poem A Day Poetry: Against the Tide A Broken Flower Carry Me Home City of Masks A Copper (New!) Dance, Butterfly, Dance FREE BIRD!!! Gonna Make Me a Rock Band Here's That Rainy Day Again (New!) I Wonder Why A Man's Best Friend The Man who Wore All Black Night Music Not Afraid to Dream Parasite Perfection Seven Seconds shape-changer Soaring Sometimes Story of my Life Tale of a Dragonslayer Tomorrow What is Humanity? Other Stuff: The BTN Musical The Dangers of Hydrohydroxic Acid Rough Edges: The Bittersweet Taste of Love A collaboration between me and Clyde E. Versy's To-Do List: Prince of Thieves - Editing Shades of Gray - Planning/Writing

Coyote -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (6/27/2008 1:21:01)
Everything should be back up, now. At least, everything that I intend to be back up. And because I'm a complete idiot, I forgot to save the current versions. The ones y'all helped me edit. I'm going to try and go through my poems and stories in an effort to get stuff back to where it should be. But, yeah. It'd be nice if y'all helped out. >_> Prince of Thieves, if you've noticed, is going to be renovated. Not entirely rewritten, but I'm going to add /a lot/ to all the existing chapters, possibly combine a couple chapters to make them longer. (That's also why there are five chapters listed instead of six.) I've revealed the titles to the second and third chapters of Shattered Memories. It shouldn't be difficult to figure out what I'm doing with that story. And lastly, some poems/stories are missing, and some have mysteriously appeared. That's because I forgot to stick a few up here, before. >_> It's also because there are a few ones coughAPerfectCirclecough that were pushing the envelope in terms of being forum-appropriate. There were a few more that just plain all-out sucked. And there are probably a few that I forgot to put up here again. In other news... NEW CONTENT! n_n "The Man who Wore All Black" has been added. It's a poem I wrote during the Purge; didn't have a chance to get it up here 'till now. Critique would be nice. A Question of Truth (Title pending) will be up shortly. I just have a few things to edit and add to make it presentable to the public. After that, I'll be working on Prince of Thieves to get it back up here again. Someone PM'd me, asking me where it went. >_> It's nice to hear that I have a fan. Comments would be nice, too. (It's like being thanked by a famous person but not receiving anything but the thanks. Except, worse. You writers would know; any comment is /much/ preferable to the anonymous +fave.) And lastly (again), I've been thinking about putting together a sort of "Letter to the Editor" sort of thing. For a really long time. If any of you want to ask a question that you want me or a character to answer (Expect a silly response unless otherwise directed), fire away. And that concludes this rather long update. Yay!

Coyote -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (7/3/2008 23:17:18)
MOAR UPDATE! =D "A Question of Truth" got changed to "Why You Shouldn't Trust a Talking Coyote". I figured, a silly story needs a silly title, and "A Question of Truth" sounded too much like my morose, "Life Ain't Fair" kind of stories. The actual title should have been "How I Learned Not to Trust Talking Coyotes", but it would've only worked if it were written in first-person. ...Now that I think about it, it would've been a /much/ better story if I told the story from Mike's perspective, so I could better show the change from distrust to trust as Felix goes on with his story. Bah. And in other news, Clyde and I are working on a collab project. It's titled "Rough Edges", and is a story about his character, Kitsune, and my character, Rychaeth Leithyr. Y'all know Ry, right? Well, Kitsune's the female counterpart. They're perfect for each other. That is, if they didn't try to stab each other in the back for personal gain. XP I linked to the comments thread in this thread. Figured it would be pointless to provide a Table of Contents here since there's one in its own comments thread.

~Shade~ -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (7/11/2008 22:44:47)
OMG! You took down A Perfect Circle! That was the first work by you I ever read! And my favorite! I can't stand for this injustice! Put it back up! shouts more demands ~Jack~

Baker -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (7/12/2008 13:37:30)
I was poking around Other Literary Art looking for a quick read, and I loved "The Dangers of Hydrohydroxic Acid". I almost wished you hadn't posted that hydrohydroxic acid was water because I would have freaked out like your teacher until I read the notice. I might even go so far as to suggest that you add that note at the end so people will read back through and find that all the dangers of what we call water do indeed match those of the acid discussed in the piece. Either way, a very clever and amusing essay.

Coyote -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (7/12/2008 15:49:55)
@Bball: Suggestion taken. XP @Sith: The problem is, A Perfect Circle is decidedly not PG-13 enough for the forums. First, all I had to do was edit out the swearing. Then, I added more to the story, namely, the shooting scene. So I had to edit the shooting scene to get the worst parts of it out. And when the Purge came, I decided that I just couldn't be bothered to keep up with it.

jerenda -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (7/13/2008 2:56:20)
I'm reading "The Dangers of Hydorphorixic Acid" or whatever you called it right now just because I can. quote: It is a major problem in the U.S. Hydrohydroxic acid, even given its dangers, is used all over the place with very little thought or care as to its affects. That sentence made very little sense. At least the beginning of it. ^_^ quote: Most of these deaths occur from inhalation; it can be deadly if inhaled. Tis probably doesn't matter, but that's the second time you've stated it can be deadly if inhaled. Nice, Versy. Very funny. I do feel sorry, though, for your poor teachers. Imagine having to put up with you all day! ^_^ I shall wait for Prince of Theives, then, and expect it to be outstanding. [:D]

Coyote -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (7/14/2008 18:53:03)
With the first one, the sentence ends with U. S. Stupid periods can get confusing with stuff like that. >_> Changed to avoid further confusion. (It took me a couple read-throughs to figure that out myself. XP) And with that second sentence, I feel that stating the inhalation part emphasizes it more. Doesn't look too redundant in my eyes.

Coyote -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (7/31/2008 2:19:06)
Update! gasp Shattered Memories was ditched as a three-part story and I fleshed out its one part a little bit more. Posted in the DW Times. The thread for the original three-part story's been deleted.

wbsbb -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (8/2/2008 17:26:30)
A great piece but needs dialogue -wbsbb daily Has potential but very far away from it -wbsbb weekly The man idea isn't as clear as the character names.lutra magazine

Master Samak -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (8/2/2008 19:04:55)
Critique for Prince of Thieves Firstly, thank you for allowing me to critique your story, Prince of Thieves. I must confess that I am a tad bit nervous/intimidated, what with you being an ArchKnight. This doesn't need to be said, but I will probably find an excellent piece of work from you here. And, as always, the following critiques are only suggestions from an incompetent amateur. You may disregard them at your leisure and do with the rest--if any--as you see fit. Nevertheless, here I go. Prologue 1. quote: "Stand an' deliver: yer money or yer life. Either way, I get th’ gold." Nothing wrong here, but would changing the period to an exclamation mark be considered? In my "experience", robbers usually exclaim the traditional "stand and deliver" line. Plus it makes the last sentence seem a bit light and funny, in a way. Just a suggestion. 2. quote: A young man nearly jumped in surprise as he felt powerful arms grab him and hold him steady. Forgive me, it seems that using "nearly jumped" makes the action disappointing to the man--like it was almost worthy of jumping but not that worthy. If I may, would "...man would have jumped in surprise had he not felt powerful..." be an acceptable change? --- Also, in my opinion, using the word "steady" makes it seem as if the man is unable to stay upright by himself and requires aid. Perhaps changing this to "firmly" or "roughly" or something to that effect would work. 3. quote: He struggled and tried to break free from his waylayer's iron grip, but stopped abruptly as he heard the hiss of metal on metal. To me, metal on metal seems more like placing a piece of metal on another, which would make a single clank and not a hiss. I think a better word here would be "against" or "sliding against". 4. quote: He gulped. A dagger pressed against his neck. There is nothing wrong here, but the sentences could be combined. An example would be, "He gulped when a dagger was pressed...". This could be intentionally left as it is, so the choice isn't mine. 5. quote: The touch of its metal chilled his skin and sent shivers down his spine from more than just fright. I think that mentioning "metal" is unnecessary. It seems to be a given that it is the metal part of the dagger that would be pressed against the throat. I'd change "it's metal" to just "it". --- Also, the last bolded part made me have to stop and reread it. Would the addition, "...and sent shivers down his spine, shivers from more than just fright." be considered? 6. quote: Shivers flew down the man’s spine as the meaning of it all hit him. Using "shivers down spine" seems to be a bit repetitive. I'm not sure how exactly to remedy this, but maybe, "The man stiffened in shock as the meaning..." or something to that effect. 7. quote: The full moon reflected off of the dagger his waylayer held, giving it a cold, cruel luster. Firstly, I'm not sure that the word "of" is completely needed in the sentence. I, personally, would take it out. --- Secondly, using the word "waylayer" again carries the potential to be repetitive. It could be changed to something similar, like "robber" or "highwayman", or it could be left alone. 8. quote: He shuddered to think that such a work of art could destroy so easily. This caught me slightly when I read it. This makes sense, but it may help the sentence flow if more detail was added: "...art could kill someone so...". Do note that I changed "destroy" to "kill" because a knife/dagger doesn't seem like it could easily destroy something. I would think it would more likely vandalize it. Plus, I would think the man is thinking about the dagger potentially killing him, making his attention focus on a more human thought. 9. quote: "P-please, sir!" he stammered. I'm sorry, but I have this minor thing about (potential) repetitiveness. I've found it best to keep an even usage of "names" for each character, if that makes sense. However, this is probably well-known and I am wasting my time typing this. 10. quote: There was response, save for yet another cruel laugh from the man behind him. I believe that the word "no" was accidentally left out here. It should be "There was no response...". --- Also, the word "behind" was already used in this way. Maybe changing this to "restraining" or something else to prevent repetitiveness. 11. quote: The man was laughing. In amusement. sigh Please don't lose what respect you have for me, but I'm obligated to say this. The quoted text contains a form of a fragment sentence. It may be necessary to combine them to, "The man was laughing in amusement.". 12. quote: It worried him to know that he dealt with a man who found a game in killing. Using "dealt" makes is seem like he has already handled the situation, which hasn't happened. This needs to be "was dealing", to express past-tense present situations. Wait... :) 13. quote: And then the man behind him lowered his head slightly and spoke softly, directly into his ear. The bolded words seem out of place with this narrative, kind of. For one (and I'm compelled to say this), it is frowned upon heavily to start a sentence with "And". Secondly, using "then" in the beginning of the sentence makes is seem sequential, something I find immeasurably annoying when used incorrectly. The point is, I'd change it to, "The man behind him then lowered..." or not have it at all. --- Also, the "man behind him" thing. Ignore this if you want. 14. quote: How would someone retain humanity when eking out a rugged living like this? This doesn't seem to fit well in its present state. I can't see the narrator asking the reader a question in this story. It may be best to italicize this in order to make it the man's thought. 15. quote: Its rough bark repulsed him, even if it was simply because he was forced to it. I believe this makes sense already, but I'd feel better if an additional, "...was forced to go to it." was placed here. 16. quote: He could imagine bugs lingering beneath its surface. The word "crawling" could work here as well. 17. quote: The man behind him was obviously smiling. More amusement for him. This is a sentence fragment and may need to be revised. (Don't hate me.) 18. quote: So he obliged, walking slowly up to the tree. Having the "So" part is a bit questionable to me. Perhaps if it was: "He obliged, however, walking slowly..."? 19. quote: He felt the dagger release his neck but then felt its pointed tip immediately press against his back. I don't think "release" is the best choice. This gives the impression that the dagger was holding the man, instead of just being pressed to his neck. I'd change "release" to "leave". 20. quote: It held more of an amusement. This might be repetitive, since "more amusement" was used already. I'd change this somehow. --- Also, the word "now" could be added at the end for more effect. 21. quote: He heard footsteps leading away from him and then heard the man rummage through his stuff. I really don't think "stuff" is the best noun to use in this case. I would have it be "things" or "possesions" instead. 22. quote: Then he heard a second pair of feet approach the first. First, the "Then" does seem a bit sequential again. Maybe, "He then heard..."? --- Also, the second and first footsteps thing threw me off. It might help if it was: "...heard a second pair of footsteps approach him." I don't think it matters with the "feet" and "footsteps". 23. quote: This second announced its presence almost royally, as the first were barely distinguishable but the second trumped forward in confidence. mmm...I don't believe that "but" is correct here. To me, it would make more sense if this was "when". 24. quote: "It's about time we finally meet." Using "meet" makes it seem like it is about time that they set out a plan to meet, to me at least. I would prefer this to be "met" instead. 25. quote: The sound of the man, Rychaeth apparently, going through his belongings ceased abruptly. I don't believe this to be the optimal place to have an comma insert. I would place it between "belongings" and "ceased". That way there won't be two actions happening in one place, if that makes sense. 26. quote: But he wasn't startled. He could tell from the lack of any sudden, startled movement. I have to say that it is frowned upon to use "But" to start a sentence. A possible change would be: "He could tell from the lack of any sudden, startled movement that the man wasn't startled, though." 27. quote: That man was collected— then again, he'd have to be to make a living like this. There is a space after the dash. Since there isn't one before it, I would delete that space. --- Also, the "like this" stands out to me. It just seems personal, like the narrative is explaining to the reader. This is fine, many books are in that style, I just don't know if that's what is wanted with this story. 28. quote: He heard the swish of fabric as he turned around swiftly. To take out a "he", would "The swish of fabric was heard as he turned..." be considered? 29. quote: "Ambassador?" Rychaeth snorted in amusement. The word amusement has already been used a few times. I'd change it, if possible. 30. quote: He could just imagine the man smiling a cruel and businesslike smile right there. The personal narrative touch again here. Disregard this if needed. 31. quote: "Like how you killed Randall?" Achasund countered him, playing words like one fences with swords. I'm not sure, but having it be "...playing on words..." would work here too. That may change its meaning, though, so this could be fine as it is. I don't know much. 32. quote: He heard a creak as Rychaeth leaned back against the wagon, almost completely at ease. Firstly, what wagon? Need I say more? (If I do, just pm me.) --- Also, using "almost" here is a tricky action. It's hard for me to find someone almost completely at ease. Very hard. I would take "almost" out. 33. quote: "Yeah. Th' name of th' dead guy is Achasund." Technically, he is correcting the past, which means that this should be "was". I do get this meaning, though, so it probably is unimportant. 34. quote: He started protesting loudly, though his shouts became gurgles as another sword was drawn. Just in my opinion, a sword would be too long. I'd just have it as "dagger". 35. quote: There was a swish. A gurgling cough. A gag, a last gasp for life. I see two options here: Firstly, to follow the style of writing here, it may be best to have this be, "A gag. A last gasp...". Secondly, this could all be, "There was a swish, a gurgling cough, a gag, and a last gasp for life.", which would follow basic sentence listing. It doesn't make a difference. (I'm for the first option.) 36. quote: "Give that message to yer king, will ya?" It might help if "that" was italicized, to emphasize his action. 37. quote: There was the rustle of moving items. Then footsteps. And then he heard nothing more. As before, I'm forced to notice the fragment, and the "And". A possible change would be: "...moving items, then footsteps, and then he heard...". 38. quote: He remained against the tree for a little while longer, but when it was evident that the man was long gone, he relaxed slightly. In my opinion, the "little" and "slightly" is unnecessary. I would remove them, simply because they don't majorly affect the narrative and the point is still made. Ultimately, though, it still isn't my choice. 39. quote: A shady but official-looking man, Achasund, lay on the ground, dead. The term "on the ground" was already used in the previous sentence. Maybe having it be "...lay on his back, dead." or something else would be better. (Hint: it would be better.) 40. quote: Both his and Achasund's belongings were missing. There's nothing really wrong here, but in the previous sentence the word "both" was used to include two things. It is doing the same in this one, which borderlines repetitiveness or a purposely done style of writing. I would rephrase this sentence to: "Achasund's belongings, as well as his own, were gone." Do note that I changed "missing" to "gone". To me, "missing" makes it seem like the belongings are lost, but the reader and the character know where they are. Critiquing Complete!!! Well, I really thought this was a very good prologue. The "stand up" part caught my attention and made me want to read more. The imagery and well-placed description of the characters caught my fancy also. The only suggestion I could give is to pay attention to the many he's and him's and the man's in this story. A few times I couldn't identify the actual person who was doing something and was forced to guess, or then later found out. It could become repetitive. I can agree that there are some places that don't leave a lot of room for this. I did think that the final line was extremely well thought of: quote: A full moon gazed down on the carnage in the center of the road. I thought this contained the most perfect imagery, and it went away from a narration into something like a movie before it would white-out into another scene or the introduction of the title. I applaud you many times over for that. Again, thank you for allowing me to critique your prologue. These are only suggestions and I hope that this won't end up being a negative experience. -Master Samak-

Coyote -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (8/2/2008 20:40:25)
Wow. Longer than my line-by-lines go; I usually lose interest and start monologuing about halfway through. XP No need to be so shy about it. If we didn't take critique ourselves, we'd be shot down by Fal (not to mention the rest of the community) pretty quickly. Needless to say, I probably won't be taking all of the critique (Just ask Alix; he critiqued it and I wound up taking only two or three points out of his thirty-five), but you don't have to apologize about it. =P I find it funny that you're the first guy who didn't mention that they didn't like that it was "a man" instead of "the man". XP 1) Leithyr isn't a highwayman. He's a Loveable Rogue. (Warning: Do not click that link unless you have about a week's worth of free time; it's a great site, but it ate my life alive. >_>) It just isn't his style to shout something like that. Think less of "waylaying robber" and more of "assassin with a knife at your throat". What he says, he says smoothly despite his heavy accent. And he doesn't shout unless he has to. And even then, he probably won't. 2) You've got a point, there. Unnamed Character actually does jump (Ry's strong, but he's only using one arm; the other's drawing the dagger), and Ry holds him still, not steady. Makes more sense. 3) Another good point. Changed to "sliding on"; I want to keep "on". "Against" just doesn't sit well with me. 4) Choppier sentences actually do work, if you use them correctly. A lot of sentences that /can/ be combined just aren't. And it's my writing style. I've got a couple longer sentences here and there, but I like shorter sentences in general. 5) Meh, makes sense. The "metal" thing, though I want to connotate more of a "harshness", does get a bit redundant. That last bit was awkward; I changed the sentence a bit so that it should make a little more sense. 6) Okay, a cold sweat it is, then. 7) I like the sound of "off of". And because I have a tendency to be redundant when I edit stuff like this, I got rid of the bit with the waylayer. 8) "Kill" it is, then. Sometimes, I let my inner poet get the better of me when not writing poetry. XP 9) Ambiguous "he"s was another thing Alix hammered about. I like 'em ambiguous, at least for this chapter. If it makes you think while you read, good. The way I write this story is a sort of modified third-person limited. At first glance, it looks like omniscient, but I include Ry's thoughts here and there, and I make use of senses besides sight. If Temporary Main Character can't see, you can't see, either. That's why I don't use very many colors in the beginning of the first chapter (People can't see very well in the dark, after all) and instead focus on sounds that Ry would be focusing on as he breaks in. 10) Yeah, I forgot the "no". And I'm keeping "behind him" in there. The last time it was mentioned was a paragraph ago. 11) Grammar? Perfect grammar? Psh. Forget that. If Charles Dickens can make the first paragraph of A Tale of Two Cities a ginormous comma splice, I'm allowed to use sentence fragments. You should get used to seeing them and figuring out whether they're there on purpose or there by accident. In literature, you'll have people breaking the rules of grammar on purpose all the time. The trick behind grammar is to learn how to do it 100% correct, and then break the rules when it would further your intentions to not follow them. The biggest trick for the critic and copyeditor is to determine what was done on purpose and what wasn't. 12) You need to hear one of my speeches against the use of passive voice. I try my best to keep "was verbing" and "was verbed" at an absolute minimum, using it only when I have to. The gist of my argument: "was" is /the/ weakest verb in the English language. And people like action more than inaction. I personally don't get the same vibe you do about that word. So it's staying. 13) Will do. =P Putting "and" at the beginning of a sentence is /the/ very first rule that I saw repeatedly broken in the books that I read. And I don't understand what you mean by "sequential". Yeah, of course I want to arrange this in a sequence; the story'd be a bloody mess if the paragraphs weren't in chronological order. =P 14) More of an ironic afterthought than anything. I don't like directly stating thoughts very much, anyhow. 15) Makes sense. 16) "Crawling" sounds more repulsive. So okay. 17) I HAET U!!1!one (But not really. =P) 18) I believe that's bothering you for the same reason "and" bothers you. It's a conjunction used at the beginning of a sentence, therefore turning it into a sentence fragment. 19) I like "release". Personification, in a sense. While the dagger wasn't literally holding him, it was being used as a shackle, or so to speak. The dagger "held" the man by being held at his throat. So what if Ry wasn't physically holding him? If he moved, he was dead, and that's a form of retention last I checked. 20) I like it how it is. Doesn't look redundant. 21) I didn't like it, myself. So I changed it. 22) I don't see how it can throw you off. Ry's footsteps. Second footsteps. Done. >_> 23) I'm bending the rules of grammar again. Technically, there should be a comma before that "but" and you should be yelling at me for having two conjunctions to combine three sentences together. Changed to make a little more sense grammatically. 24) I personally don't see a difference. And besides. Achasund waylaid Rychaeth, albeit unsuccessfully. He was expecting him to be there. 25) "Rychaeth" is further defining "man". My sister, Jessica, plays the flute. Same idea. 26) But the suggested revision conflicts with my writing style. The sentence seems out-of-place. Once again, shorter, choppier sentences for the win. 27) Changed the dash; my mistake, there. The "like this" is an essential part of the sentence. He'd have to be collected to make a living. Yeah, make a living /how/? 28) "Was verbed" again. Not a good time for it. 29) What can you say? Ry's easily amused. =P 30) Once again: third person limited. The Nameless, Temporary Main Character is narrating, even though it doesn't seem like it. 31) I like it how it is. 32) Changed to "his wagon". And I seem to have a problem with the "almost"s, don't I? XP 33) Well, it still is his name, isn't it? 34) Ry carries several daggers and a scimitar. He threw the dagger and then finished the job with his weapon of choice. 35) Yay! You've taken your first step. Your preferred option is still a sentence fragment. =P I'm going to keep this one this way. The reasoning being: the last gasp for life is the gag. Because that bit is explaining the gag further, it's a comma instead of a new sentence. 36) The upward inflection at "will ya?" kind of defeats that. He doesn't emphasize "that". It's just a normally-spoken sentence, with all the emphasis where it should normally be. It's less of a "HAH IN YOUR FACE!" and more of a simple, ironic statement. Ry isn't an in-your-face person, unless it means holding a sword at your face. And even then, any comments will be ironic in nature without any real, strong emotions behind it. 37) See the last few comments about my writing style. 38) A little while is different from a while. A while is a long period of time. A short while is a much shorter period of time. And he relaxed only slightly because he doesn't know if Ry will be back. He never did get the okay to back away from the tree, after all. 39) I got rid of the first "on the ground". That one needs to be there. 40) Meh. "Missing" kind of plays off the irony a bit more. As for that last sentence: /everything/ that happened in the prologue, save for the dagger, is heard and not seen. Unnamed Traveler (yes, I do keep changing his name) is seeing what happened for the first time. Not to mention that any fantasy I write will be, by and large, influenced by the /many/ RPG's I've played and beaten. XP And, well, my only suggestion to you is to be a little more open about grammatical "mistakes". Read something by poet e e cummings. Now /that's/ sure to be something to shake you up a little. =P And thanks for taking the time to critique it for me. I'm happy that you liked it. n_n

time losh -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (8/11/2008 22:28:27)
I liked it transitions between black and white are always a well illustrated concept and you certainly pulled it off with aplomb...or whatever word that is. The symbolism did work nicely, I could actually feel the heat of the sun on the back of my neck...i'm not even wearing black lol. Thats all I really have to say about this...I think I told ya this before but i'm never really one to comment on poetry all to much lol Take care Versy

Sentharn -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (8/13/2008 1:10:29)
Critique for Prince of Thieves, Chapters 0, 1, and 2. Quick Overview: You already know I love this story, and especially Ry, that magnificent jerk. (Obviously I like him, since I wrote a story about him!) But now I get to critique him! Heck, now I get to critique you! dances Tell me what you think of my...experimental critiquing style. As requested, I split the crit into 3 sections, since it's so big. Okay, for the "Official" quick overview: I /really/ dig the storyline, and how you write your fight scenes. Most of the errors are minor, and probably result from our divergent writing styles (You told me about this on IRC, as I recall) You do a good, no, a great job on descriptions too! Disclaimer: These are my opinions and no one else's. I will not be miffed or insulted in any way if you do not take my advice; indeed, I would be interested to see how many ways my comments could be interpreted into a story! Also, I am not a certified writer, so as with all other advice, take mine with a grain of salt. Use your judgment. Main Critique: Prologue (Chapter 0) quote: Its cold chilled his skin and sent shivers down his spine from more than just fright. This lowly writer believes that, "from more than just fright," sounds oddly worded in this situation; perhaps it could be a phrase separate from the main sentence, such as something like, "...And sent shivers down his spine--and it wasn't just from fright." quote: There was a cruel laugh from behind him. This humble critique-writer seems to remember that you said, "was" is the weakest verb of the English language? quote: He broke into a cold sweat as the meaning of it all hit him. This annoying little vixen wonders about the meaning of it /all/. He's discovered the meaning, the answer to the question, "why are we here?" quote: It retained a hellish beauty, a divine damnation. This whacky critiquer how each of these terms contradict each other yet still fit together. quote: This was not the sort of situation he would want to make any sudden moves in. This crazed fangirl thinks that he "would" want implies that he is not in the situation and is only imagining it. Although many respected scientists claim that life is but a figment of our imaginations, the "would" still seems to take away from the seriousness of the situation somewhat. Might simply saying, "This was not the sort of situation he wanted to..." work equally as well, without summoning up images of exceedingly boring scientific papers on life after death and brain activity? quote: There was no response, save for yet another cruel laugh from the man behind him. The man was laughing. In amusement. It worried him to know that he dealt with a man who found a game in killing. He was worried for himself, now, as much as he was for his property. This writer (who understands not the complex workings of the mind of a Fox disguised as a Coyote disguised as a fox using triple reverse psychology, and understands that it may be within the realm of possibility that the critique-writer may be wrong) believes that, "Yet another" implies that the mysterious man has laughed more than once before. So far, he has not. You may also wish to emphasize the verb, "laughing," and remove the italics from, "in" but leave it on "amusement," since "laughing," and "amusement," are rather critical words in this case. Also, how does the unfortunate victim know that the man enjoys killing? He hasn't died, and a such does not know. quote: His voice was ragged and hinted at a touch of inhumanity. How would someone retain humanity when eking out a rugged living like this? This irritating man-who-thinks-he-is-a-foxgirl believes that it would not be possible for the man to know at this stage that the thief earns his keep by robbing others. quote: "Try to run an' I get both." The man behind him was obviously smiling. More amusement for him. So he obliged, walking slowly up to the tree. He felt the dagger release his neck but then felt its pointed tip immediately press against his back. This obsessive Stevie Ray Vaughn critic believes that it is not clear exactly what the mysterious man will get if he runs; for those of us with memories that are more leaky than a faucet in the arctic in the middle of winter it may help to elaborate slightly here. It is also believed by this humble critique-writer that the man could not know the thief was smiling, unless he /heard the unseen smile,/ or something similar. Also, this irritatingly unskilled critic believes that, "immediately," should go immediately before, "felt." quote: It held more of an amusement. This voracious science-fiction reader believes /an/ amusement is not possible, since amusement is a concept. quote: This second announced its presence almost royally; the first were barely distinguishable, but the second trumped forward in confidence. This skilled guitar-string-changer believes that, "almost royally," sounds odd in this context. It implies something is almost royal. Might it help to say something like, "...in an almost royal manner?" quote: "Rychaeth Leithyr!" the second man called out. "It's about time we finally meet." The sound of the man, Rychaeth apparently, going through his belongings ceased abruptly. But he wasn't startled. He could tell from the lack of any sudden, startled movement. That man was collected — then again, he'd have to be to make a living like this. This amazing pick-breaker believes it should be more clear as to which man stopped going through the soon-to-be victim's belongings; would saying, "the sound of the /first/ man..." work? Also, again, how does the unfortunate victim know that Rychaeth does this for a living? Also, this awesome cardboard-string-packaging-collector believes that you are looking for the word, "met" instead of, "meet." quote: He heard the swish of fabric as he turned around swiftly. This obsessive guitarist wonders who heard who as who turned? quote: "I am Achasund. I come as an ambassador for King Darron Damantium IV." The man stiffened slightly, still keeping his face turned towards the tree. This black-haired writer thinks that an ambassador /for/ the King sounds like the ambassador is searching for the king. Would, "from," the king work? Also, who stiffened? quote: "How'd you guess?" He could just imagine the man smiling a cruel and businesslike smile right there. Rychaeth wasn't the only one smiling in amusement. This smile-addicted writer wonders, who is smiling this time? quote: "Like how you killed Randall?" Achasund countered, playing words like one fences with swords. This annoying cereal-box-ingredient-reader wonders if you meant, "playing /with/ words?" quote: He heard a creak as Rychaeth leaned back against his wagon, completely at ease. This detail-noticing writer wonders, Is this a magic wagon that appears out of nowhere for the sole purpose of allowing people to lean on it? quote: "Wha--" This Rychaeth-crazed writer just has one comment here: "WIN!!!111oneoneone." quote: Achasund gasped out in surprise. He started protesting loudly, though his shouts became gurgles as another sword was drawn. There was a swish. A gurgling cough. A gag, a last gasp for life. Then he heard the sound of two blades retreating back into their scabbards. Rychaeth chuckled. This exceedingly skilled duct-tape-applier thinks that if the critique-writer got kicked and/or stabbed and/or decapitated and/or mutilated and/or maimed and/or lacerated and/or diced and/or punctured at this moment, that the critiquer would be yelling in something more akin to pain. Also, "Protesting loudly," sounds somewhat too restrained and civilized. Would a term like, "cursing loudly," or something similar be possible? quote: There was blood. A shady but official-looking man, Achasund, lay on the ground, dead. His cold eyes stared up at the sky, asking the heavens a silent question. Blood flowed freely from both a stab wound and a slit throat. Both his and Achasund's belongings were missing. This excessive Coca-Cola drinker wonders if the man was shady even in death? That takes /skill./ Also, since the last subject was the dead man, you are basically saying that the dead man's belongings and the dead man's belongings were missing. End of Chapter 0

Sentharn -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (8/13/2008 1:19:26)
Chapter 1 quote: The sun struggled upwards and managed one last peek over the horizon and then fell, the fiery reds and oranges fading slowly to shades of purple. This fanatical Arthur C. Clarke reader wonders why the sun is going /up/ when it's sunset. quote: The child ran home screaming. Tears welled up in his eyes and ran down his face like two rivers Styx. But did he want to forget? Did he really want to forget where it all began? The boy's sandals went pat pat against the cobblestones. A steady beat to combat his order-lacking wails. He clutched his hand, a rivulet of blood leaking from between his fingers. The crimson caught the last of the sun's light, shining a deep red against his pale hand. But there was more than just red. This owner of a broken dialup modem believes that a semicolon or a comma could be used to combine the first sentence about the boy's sandals and the beat created by them. Also, this mojo-owning blues guitarist believes that there should be an "as" just before "a rivulet of blood..." Although the reader can piece together that the fox bit the young boy, this seems rather confusing at first until the reader goes slightly further. Even I had to read it twice before I realized the fox had bitten the boy. Might a little more description be possible here? Also, what is the significance of the, "did he want to forget?" I am afraid this purple-and-blue loving writer cannot grasp the significance of this phrase. * * * quote: There was a slight clink. Then the slight rustle of leaves. Then a thump as a cloaked form landed on a windowsill. There was a slight breeze. A flash of orange was seen for a split second, but for no longer. Then the figure anchored his cloak with his hand and fiddled with the lock with the other. There was a click. And then the window slid silently open. This son of an eBay seller believes this is a rather long paragraph, but this is a stylistic matter so this owner of several DVDs will not bother you much about it. quote: More rustling of blankets. This proud owner of a Telecaster cannot stand incomplete sentences and will make it a point to irritate you by pointing them out from now on. quote: There was no need for noise. This user of the Linux operating system wonders if you meant to inform us lowly readers that all of his precautions existed to remove the chances of creating unwanted noise. quote: He gave the room one last glance. This was enough. Never take the most expensive and never rob a room clean. That way they'd make slightly less of a fuss and therefore a couple less people will come to search for him. He loved it when they came in small groups. That way he could have a little fun with the proverbial game of cat and mouse. Or, rather, fox and hound. And despite all appearances, he wouldn't be the fox. In this case, this owner of cool sunglasses realizes that this paragraph has more of the feel of someone 'thinking' to it, and since Humans rarely think in complete sentences, this is acceptable. quote: It creaked. This person who never reads newspapers wants to know, "what creaked?" quote: Lockpicks in hand, he proceeded to lock the window and cover his tracks. This PHP programmer humbly suggests that you find some more obvious way to link the fact that locking the window will cover his tracks. quote: Then the windowsill snapped. This slave of Eukara's suggests that this phrase be simply, "The windowsill snapped," and that it be put in its own paragraph, since it is a rather pivotal event. quote: "I think I broke somethin'," he muttered. This owner of a Interex Surge Protector wonders why the thief spoke when he was afraid of being overheard. quote: Suddenly, he realized what had happened. This reader of Heinlein's "Spaceman Jones," wonders who realized what happened. quote: The man's visage shifted slowly from surprise to one of horror. This appreciator of fine guitars believes that if you use "one of..." once, you should probably use it in both terms, so, "The man's visage shifted slowly from one of surprise to one of horror," is suggested, or something similar. quote: He replaced the hood casually as if this sort of thing happened all the time. He flashed the man a vulpine grin from beneath the hood. His eyes and his teeth reflected in the moonlight. This owner of a 17 inch LCD screen wonders if this is foreshadowing or if Rychaeth has been revealed to be a werewolf at this point. quote: "My, my, how unfortunate," he stated, starting slowly but keeping his voice from a mocking tone. "I'd love ta stay an' chat, but I've really gotta get goin'. Ta-ta." He whipped around and sprinted the opposite direction towards the woods. This amateur critiquer wonders what the writer meant by, "keeping his voice from a mocking tone." Also, this kimono-loving guitarist believes an "in" is needed just after "sprinted." As a critiquer, one of the most appreciated facts of your writing to me is that you know how to use commas. You don't write run-on sentences. You don't divide your sentences into little tiny bits. You insert commas where they are needed, perfectly balancing readability and small sentences. Your use of commas is flawless. This user of recyclable string packaging believes you should have a comma right after "direction." Towards the woods, he mused. How many times had that happened? This owner of twelve computers wonders why there are two spaces between "woods" and "he." quote: He remembered it as clearly as he saw those same events transpire around him. This consumer of those little packaged yogurts that are an outrageous dollar a piece at the grocery story thinks that you may want to make it a bit more clear he saw the same events transpire from his /past/ or /memory/. quote: "Get him!" he remembered someone shouting behind him. He gave himself a grim smile. Despite the importance of that date, it wasn't the first time. First, it had been groups of schoolchildren. Then entire schools. This reader of Diane Duane thinks that the first sentence implies that someone in front of Rychaeth shouted to someone. Might it be possible to make it a bit more clear, by saying something like, "shouted from behind him?" Also, is giving himself a grim smile like a pat on the back? It seems worded somewhat strangely. This terrible artist also suggests you find a way to make sure the reader realizes the importance of the date he was thrown out for good. And also, "entire schools," sounds like school buildings were uprooting themselves and chasing him out of the village. Would it be possible to make it more clear that all the people from those schools were throwing him out? quote: In a way, it wasn't that different. But it was a simple disease. This capo user wonders what wasn't that different from what, as well as the significance of, "it was a simple disease." Might it help to say something like, "But it was just a simple disease!" with an exclamation mark to give it more emotion? quote: A lone foal, lost and separated from the herd. He remembered his mistake. He had been a lone target amidst the gray of the cobblestones. He was exposed, laid bare, stripped naked… This unskilled neck adjuster is unfamiliar with the word, 'foal,' and should probably go get a dictionary but is much too lazy. This PERL coder also wonders if it could be made slightly more clear that his mistake had been him being a lone target; perhaps using a semicolon could help? quote: But he watched, as that success fell through between his fingers. Once again, this owner of a computer with a cool little blue light on the front cover must congratulate the were-fox most high (disguised as a coyote disguised as a fox who is pretending to be a fox disguised as a coyote to imply that he is really a coyote with quadruple backstabbing reverse psychology) on his excellent use of commas. You put commas right where they are needing, breaking up sentences into easy-to-read bite-sized pieces. You make your stories absolutely delectable to read... This hat-wearer thinks you need to remove the comma after "watched." quote: The man stopped. He simply stopped running. This purchaser of Korg Tuners believes that it might do the story well to emphasize how /suddenly/ the man stopped. And also, since we haven't had a subject in some time, this owner of a real, once-live Malamute tail believes you should call the man, "Rychaeth" in here sometime soon. quote: In order to make it, he had to part the Red Sea. He had to run across open fields, the only target for miles. This player of Command and Conqueror wonders if the people of this universe even /had/ a Red Sea. quote: Hey had delighted in the beating of a small child. This admirer of the Klingon Battle Cruiser (D-7 class) believes that "hey" should be "they." quote: He grimaced as his thoughts brought him to the smiles he saw on their faces. The had smiled. This critiquer, who is currently listening to Duke Robillard, believes that "The" should be "they." Also, "brought him to," sounds somewhat odd. Might there another way this could be worded? quote: In his distraction, somebody grabbed his sleeve and caused him to jerk back. This eater of cookies believes that, "In his distraction," could possibly be replaced with something such as, "While he was distracted, reminiscing, somebody..." quote: He grinned and used his other hand to replace the off-centered hood. This little foxgirl wonders who's hood it was. quote: The other men, all older and unused to running, faltered at the sight of the blood, but were catching up. This proud owner of a Stratocaster wishes to inform the Foxy Coyote most high of the Arch Kiniggits that adding "still" just before "catching up," might help a bit here. quote: The townsfolk paused, unsure of what to do next. They pursued a ruthless, lawless villain for exactly that reason: his actions against the boy only served to prove his motives. However, they all paused. A few ran forward to collect the boy's unconscious figure but the masses, with their traditional torches and pitchforks, stood silent at the edge of the expanse of trees. This annoying joker wants to know exactly why the townsfolk paused. This is another point at which I must congratulate you on your most excellent use of commas. You use them with such skill you make us non-coyote-writers envious. You possess such grace with your commas that ladies from all over the world swoon when they hear your name. You very rarely miss a place where a comma is needed. You should probably have a comma just after "figure," and a way to expand upon the section about their weaponry. "...figure, but the masses, armed with their traditional torches and pitchforks, stood silent at the edge of the expanse of trees." quote: There was the sound of a door closing, lock automatically clicking into place. This consumer of pizza begs your forgiveness, and wants to inform you that an "a" just before "lock" might be useful. quote: "I have a… Problem." The newcomer twiddled his thumbs, uncomfortable. "A… Supernatural problem." This relentless foot-stomper-while-in-the-presence-of-music-er is unsure if the capitalized words are intentional here or not. quote: His white teeth caught in the sparse light to create a Cheshire Cat effect. This Janice Joplin Listener-To-er wonders if the people of this time period knew who Cheshire Cat is/was/will be. quote: The newcomer stepped into the light, revealing himself as the witness to Rychaeth's original getaway. This pianist in training seems to recall there being quite a few witnesses to Ry's escape. There wasn't any /one/ witness. quote: Then who was funding the hunt? This consumer of Dutch Crunch bread wonders who is thinking this? End of Chapter 1

Sentharn -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (8/13/2008 1:23:08)
Chapter 2 quote: "I want my money. Now." A burly man, a thug no doubt, slammed his meaty fist on the table, causing the couple beer mugs to rattle. He was quite obviously agitated and directed his anger at the man that sat opposite of him. quote: That man simply sat there, cloaked in a black, sleeved cloak. This critiquer who barely watches TV at all thinks that "cloaked" might sound better if it were changed to something else, since cloaks are mentioned twice. quote: The hood he wore down far over his face, covering it with shadow. This owner of a Tube Screamer realizes that this is a very open and personal preference matter, however, this appreciator of the Halo soundtrack wishes to inform you that the subject could go in front, so this sentence could be, "He wore the hood..." quote: A steaming plate of quality steak, seafood of all things, and various other goods was placed in front of him. This lover of seafood thinks that the way this is currently worded, it sounds like the writer is saying steak is seafood. Might it be possible to word it another way, perhaps, "A steaming plate of steak, even /seafood/ of all things, as well as various other [rare\|delicate\|expensive] goods..." quote: It was a vulpine countenance, obviously irked at this particularly uncooperative thug. Once again, this young vulpine female should probably go grab the dictionary and look up "countenance," but won't because this liker of mechanical pencils assumes the writer knows what he is doing. quote: The thug got up abruptly. "Demon! Back!" He rushed up and aimed a punch at Rychaeth, who jumped back and out of his chair. The thug missed and landed on the chair. This three-foot-tall bipedal fox thinks that, "got up," sounds somewhat low energy. Could another verb, perhaps, "stood," or "jumped up," be substituted? Also, where is the thug rushing "up" to? Also, it would be possible to replace, "Jumped back and out of his chair," with "jumped back, out of his chair," if you so wished. quote: Rychaeth calmly readjusted his hood and poured his ale on another man. This shooter of rubber bands believes that it would be possible to create some slightly more amusing imagery by saying that Rychaeth dumped the tankard on the man's /head/ or in his /lap/ or something similar. quote: He rushed up and decked the drunkard, his large girth accustomed to sudden brawls. The last part made this miniature vulpine vixen have to re-read the sentence again. Perhaps it would suffice to say he was used/accustomed to sudden brawls, perhaps with the aid of a semicolon? "He rushed up and decked the drunkard; the thug was quite accustomed to sudden brawls." quote: However, the drunkard had friends. Immediately, five other men got up and charged the first, inciting a similar show of rage from those who didn’t want their drinking to go disturbed. This orange-and-white furball believes that the first sentence might sound better as, "The drunkard, however, had friends." Also, the "charged the first,..." section was a little confusing, although readable. Drinking in this case wouldn't "go disturbed," it would , "be disturbed." quote: People charged, chairs flew, things broke. And not just the furniture. This fan of the Halo videogame soundtrack thinks this is another Crowning Moment of Epic Win. quote: All but two people. One, Rychaeth Leithyr, sat in a shady corner and watched the fight play itself out with great amusement. This possessor of imaginary universes believes it is not necessary to spell out Rychaeth's full name; Rychaeth could probably suffice here. quote: The other man approached him. This writer who has a near perfect memory knows that we both can remember that two men didn't get involved in the fight. Would the readers remember that? It may be wise to make this more clear. quote: In just a second, Rychaeth had his own scimitar flying out of its sheath and blocking the man's blow. This little fox, although not an expert on fight scenes, believes that second is a long, long time in a battle. Also, "blocking the man's blow," sounds a bit odd. Perhaps, "...flying out of its sheath to block the man's blow?" quote: It was encrusted with gemstones and precious minerals, its forged hilt decorated with many figured that actually made holding it even more comfortable. This writer with an overactive imagination believes that the "actually" may not, actually, be necessary. quote: Surprise that continued as Rychaeth got up and out of his chair, shoving the table aside. This excessive lover of the third-person format wonders what is so surprising to the bounty hunter. quote: At the last second, he redirected his weapon, bypassed the man's block, and caught him across the arm. However, he jumped back and the blade only nicked the skin. This brother of a sibling who actually has real samurai sword or two got confused as to who hit who. Also, this maintainer of an extremely messy room thinks that it might add more to the scene if you emphasize how close the blade was to mortally wounding the poor man in Rychaeth's fan club. quote: The longsword then twisted into a lunge, a stab into Rychaeth's stomach. This expert-in-training of Python wonders when flexible longswords got invented. quote: No, if he attacked again with his numbed right hand, he was done for. This secret admirer of poetry wonders when his hand get numbed. quote: Ristao staggered back, grasping an object in his chest. This Photoshop newbie thinks that if he managed to grasp the object he'd pull it out. Perhaps he was grasping /at/ an object in his chest? quote: And Rychaeth just got up and out of the bushes and right back down the street. This owner of a Casio piano thinks that the sentence could use a verb, and the "and" should probably be tossed out with your dirty laundry. "And Rychaeth just got up out of the bushes and walked right back down the street. quote: Impatient, the innkeep tore open the sack and emptied its contents. His face fell. That hooded man had paid for his room, alright. Just the right amount, in fact. This inexpert at small talk thinks that you should add a line that might say something like, "as soon as Rychaeth left the room," instead of, "impatient." quote: There were footsteps. Instinctively, he whipped himself around and drew his dagger. There was no dagger. This uneasy critiquer thinks that, "there was no dagger," may not be powerful enough. Perhaps something like, "He found that his dagger was missing from its hiding place?" quote: Footsteps approached and he turned to face him. This busy musician thinks that "him" should actually be "them." quote: "Y' old hag!" he said, annoyed. "I killed ya last month! Stay in yer grave, will ya?" This founding (and only surviving) member of the "Kiss Rychaeth on the Cheek" fanclub thinks this is another epic moment of win. quote: He could've sworn that he polished it and cleaned it; he rubbed it with his cloak. The blood stayed. This fan of Arthur C. Clarke thinks that saying something like, "he rubbed it /again/ with his cloak," or "he tried rubbing it with his cloak," would make it more obvious he is rubbing the blade at this moment in time. quote: With an almost playful grin, he sidestepped and tripped his assailant. Rychaeth flew forward and landed with an almost painful thud. Goddamn, this wasn't supposed to happen… This miniature vulpine female wonders who tripped who? This bookworm also suspects that an "it" after "Goddamn" might help. quote: "Wha’the hell…" he muttered as he groggily got up and out of bed. "Night was weird as hell…" Once again, this inexpert at handling the fine nuances of a Telecaster thinks that the "and" is unneeded. quote: Whatever it was, it had better not have been important. This confused little vixen wonders about the "better" in this sentence. quote: A foxy old woman? He shuddered. That was enough of a thought to give him nightmares. The soon-to-be-proud owner of Fender '69 custom pickups wishes to tell the writer this is another WIN sentence. quote: He jumped out of bed and threw his clothes on, complete with black cloak. He smiled as he remembered that day's mission. This owner of a fine set of jewelry files wonders what day "that" day is. quote: He threw all his belongings in to various concealed pockets in his cloak and strolled out of his room, down the hall, and into the inn's main room. This newly-discovered fan of Korg tuners thinks that "in to" should be "into." quote: Not including a full stomach. This writer, who has never stole anything in his life, wonders if the writer is trying to say that Ry stole his breakfast? quote: He smiled as he walked, though it was undeterminable what he smiled for. Was it a look of carefree happiness, or a look of concealed anticipation? This spelling freak thinks that "undeterminable" actually should be "indeterminable." quote: He began to get unsteady, a rare feeling for him. This fan of Fender guitars wonders if "get unsteady" could be replaced by something more high energy, such as "become unsteady?" quote: Then, as suddenly as it started, it was broken, torn apart by the shink of a drawn blade. This crazy fox wonders what was broken. quote: Rychaeth grinned and fiddled with his weapon. "Very nice o' ye, Nadiel" he replied sarcastically. "Ya saved me th' fun, too." This writer, who has absolutely no idea what is going in in that crazy, part-coyote, part-fox mind of the writer's, wonders how Rychaeth knows who Nadiel is. quote: The man turned around to reveal a wolfish face, also grinning with his own personal flair. The man wasn't clean-shaven; dark-brown stubble covered his chin. He took a step back, reading the swords in a fighting position. This man was ready for just about anything. Only just about. This four-foot-tall vulpine girl was momentarily excited when she read, "wolfish," for she thought that another vulpine-like creature was about to enter the game. Also, this slightly insane critiquer wonders who's swords they were. Next, this insane mapper wonders if, "this" might be replaced with "that." Last, this crazy guitar lover wonders if a "but" in front of "only" might help to re-affirm the fact that there is doubt that he is ready for anything. quote: Without warning, he stepped forward and swung his blade downards. This spelling fanatic thinks that "downards" should be "downwards." quote: However, reduced visibility cut his precision and his misplaced attack was blocked yet again by Rychaeth's scimitar. This night owl wonders what reduced the man's visibility. quote: Nadiel sneered and mocked contemplation as he narrowly dodged another attack. "Bite me." This owner of a small set of toothpicks thinks that "bite me," although a little random, is a great line for this situation. quote: He grabbed the man's shirt with a clawed but gloved hand and dragged him closer until the man's face was only inches away from his muzzle. This little vulpine lady with claws of her own wonders if it would be possible to find a way to reword the "clawed but gloved hand;" it seems a little odd. quote: He let go of him but grabbed the numbed hand. The man watched with horror as he examined a finger and then bit it. He bit far down enough to draw blood, but not enough to cause any damage. He grinned. This scatter-brained critiquer wonders who is doing what to whom. Conclusion: Well, that's it for these two (three) chapters! Hmm, I never thought I'd critique you before! Dances again I hope you don't mind my experimental style of critiquing; tell me, was it useful? Cheers! I can't wait for the new chapter 3...

Coyote -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (8/14/2008 21:34:47)
You have a bigger attention span than I do. I would've gotten bored halfway through a critique like that and started monologuing. XP Prologue: 1) That sentence has been bothering me for a while, now. Thank you so much! =D 2) It is. But think about it this way. I could write "He heard a cruel laugh". But the repeating sentence structure in the next sentence would make it choppy. (IOW, Versy's too lazy to change it. =P) Bah. I guess, as a topic sentence of the second paragraph, it deserves better treatment than that. 3) Fine, then. Found a less confusing way to put it. =P 4) Oxymorons, FTW. 5) Oh, fine, you win. But only because you have scientific backing. 6) points at Point Two Also, I think it's better if the whole sentence is italicized. It's short enough, and it'd just look funny if only one word was italicized. On top of that, does "your money or your life" light a bulb? =P 7) Does the term "highwayman" or "bandit" ring a bell for you? =P I'm saying the things that Nameless Character is assuming about Ry based on his predicament. 8) Doesn't really matter, doesn't really matter, and doesn't really matter. To elaborate, people should be paying attention as they read. =P In context of the storyline, Rychaeth says that line only a little bit after his initial line. If he's laughing in amusement, then he might be smiling. In fact, he can imagine a highwayman behind him, smiling at his demise. And it doesn't really matter. 9) "more of an amusement" instead of simply "amusement" gives the feeling that it's not just your everyday, run-of-the-mill, children laughing amusement. It's more a matter of feel here, than anything else. 10) "In an almost royal manner" isn't something I would write. By saying "almost royally", that's what I'm actually saying. Y'know? 11) Yes, it does. See Point Seven. Makes sense. What doesn't make sense, however, is that I play a heavier music style than you, have used heavier strings than you at one point, and still have never actually broken a pick. All of mine usually wear down and become dull and unusable instead of breaking. >_> 12) This is where it gets confusing. Obviously, Unnamed Character can't see them move, so he has to figure out what they're doing by sound alone. PoV FTW. 13) Yes, it does. And "keeping his face turned towards the tree" should answer your question. 14) See two above. 15) Yes, I do. 16) Changed back to "the wagon". Also edited something earlier in the chapter so that the Unnamed Character's wagon gets mentioned before, so it doesn't appear out of nowhere. It also screwed with Point Eight, so I changed that, too. 17) You don't get to be a professional bounty hunter for nothing, y'know. =P And that's taking things technically. I don't like taking things technically. And I'll edit the rest of it later. Won't post any of it immediately; I'll post the newer versions later. I've got more updates, and I want to finish with those updates before posting more.

Coyote -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (8/24/2008 16:07:55)
Yay, Chapter 1 time. As for the first two points, I'm rewriting the little italicized bit. There shouldn't be an "as" after the comma, because the second clause is a gerund phrase. You don't say, "As I walking down the road, I saw a friend of mine", do you? =P 3) Okay. 4) I use sentence fragments as an element of style, usually when I want to drive a point further like in poetry, or when I want to portray broken or disjointed thoughts. In this case, the slight feeling of panic warrants the broken sentences as Ry waits for the person to either wake up or go back to sleep. 5) Yes, I do. 6) Yay! n_n 7) Makes sense. 8) Also makes sense. 9) Also also makes sense. XP 10) It was a joke I stole from Lord of the Rings. I should probably get rid of that. XP 11) The who in the where with the what, now? (Kidding. =P) 12) I've been saying stuff like that too much. Got rid of "one of". 13) He already is a were-fox at this point. 14) I didn't mean anything. I don't remember why I wrote that. The 'in' makes sense. Technically, I don't need a comma there, but I'll put one in for flow purposes. 15) That shouldn't be there. >_> 16) The unfortunate guitarist who could not haggle over the price of his guitar or his amp does not see anything wrong with that. 17) I see what you're saying for both of them. 18) I don't really intend to make sure the reader knows immediately. But I'm more than certain that they'll figure that out for themselves after reading through all of Ry's flashbacks. That also makes sense. 19) That line's cut out in the edit, so it doesn't matter much anyways. 20) A foal is a baby horse. Makes sense. Good idea. 21) You pulled this joke already. Minus three for repetition. =P It's ambiguous whether or not there should be a comma there. "As", as a member of FANBOYS, should be preceded by a comma when conjoining two independent clauses. However, the "but" at the beginning makes the first independent clause a dependent clause. However yet again, the "but" can be considered ornamentation and not really a part of the sentence. So it gets ambiguous. I'll get rid of it 'cause that's what my sense of flow is telling me to do. 22) I'll emphasize the suddenness. But I don't feel like calling him by name quite yet. Are Korg tuners really that good? 23) Bah, humbug. That's what I get for making allusions in a fantasy story. I got away with sand through a sieve, but I guess I can't get away with the Red Sea. It's like when people say, "He felt shotguns go off in his leg" when shotguns haven't even been invented yet. XP 24) /me kicks the typo 25) /me kicks that typo, too Yeah. Changed that. 26) Makes sense. 27) Bah. Ambiguous pronouns FTL. If only there was a way to preserve that sense of anonymity without confusing who was who and without pulling a Stephen Crane. (The youth this, the youth that, the youth... Gah!) 28) I don't think so. That implies and gives the connotation to that they will be catching up for some while later. I want to give the impression that the mob was there, right then, and right behind him. They just had a few more seconds of running before crowding in a shocked circle around Ry's cruelty. 29) Expanded more on that. Added that comma. And expanded just a tiny bit more on that, too. 30) Me and my silly Asian accent. My friends tell me that it only becomes remotely noticeable when I'm angry, but it crops up here and there with a missing article or two. >_> 31) No, they shouldn't be. Fixed. 32) Aha, but the reader should know, no? I can get away with these sorts of things if it's simple narrative and not a character's direct observation, like the Red Sea part was. 33) I meant the original witness. The first one. I should've probably made that more clear. >_> 34) I'm more than certain that Ethandur knows who's funding the hunt. =P Oh yeah. And about the first two: I changed my mind about that. XP

Coyote -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (8/25/2008 0:42:13)
Okay. The improved Prologue is up, along with a pending Chapter 1. I want to add more to it, but I don't know what else to add ATM, so there you go. An improved Chapter 2 should be up when I'm done with Sentharn's critique. But after that, I'll put Prince of Thieves aside as I edit A Perfect Circle. One of my RL friends saw fit to doom-hammer it within an inch of death, and while he goes off spouting gibberish for quite a few paragraphs (and he readily acknowledges this), he does make more than a few good points in there. And after /that/, it's back to PoT editing and then finally writing new material. In other news, I have a new poem up, too. =D

Arthur The Brave One -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (9/18/2008 10:40:41)
Wow... this is only one page, and it's this long... 0_o On a more serious note: you've made a deadly grammar mistake in Shape-Changer: You've got a lot of i's. As in: "i do the dishes." As I expect you to know, it should be "I do the dishes." Just thought I'd point it out for you :) great stuff you've got here... burns with jealousy

Firefly -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (9/18/2008 15:36:42)
I'm quite sure that was intentional in Versy's part. Notice how he didn't capitalize the title of the poem either. He probably did it to create a feeling of insignificance until the end, in which he does use capitals in I. It's a rather good effect; I personally think it should be kept. ;) waits anxiously for Shades of Grey C'mon, done yet, Vers? I want to read that one... Hope you had fun writing in class and haven't been attacked the doom of... teachers. =P

Arthur The Brave One -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (9/18/2008 15:44:15)
oh yeah... hadn't thought of it like that. Oh well, in that case, I guess you can pretty much ignore my previous comment :P

Coyote -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (9/27/2008 0:14:49)
...And when I look at this thread, I realize that I /still/ haven't gotten through Sentharn's last critique. Gah, this is going to take a little while. I hope you don't mind if I don't respond to everything this time; it's enough having to look through for everything and typing up a response at this point just wastes time. >_> And, yeah, I did un-capitalize the 'I's for precisely that reason. The shape-changer, in this case, is imitating something else and pretending to be other things in order to hide the emptiness and insignificance it feels inside. The coyote and the raven are the two most commonly recognized American Indian trickster gods, furthering this idea of "Look at me! I'm important!" And lastly, I'm still working on Shades of Gray. Haven't gotten that much work done; haven't planned the whole thing yet and I've only written one page. Stuff's been cropping up, lately, and I have more story ideas than I know what to do with. If anyone wants to steal one or two, they're fine to do it as long as I get some credit for the plot idea. >_> And lastly lastly, I have a new thread up. I will be taking a random word given to me by someone else, and I will write a poem about it. I explain in more detail in the thread itself as to why that is beneficial for me, but on the plus side for you guys, you get to suggest words for me to write poems about. If you're as sadistic as I am, I expect to be thinking /a lot/ to write these poems. =P (But as a warning, if you only post one word, my anti-spam instincts will trigger and the post will be brutally mauled and possibly given rabies. I haven't had my shot in a while. =P)

.::oDrew -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (10/5/2008 17:26:24)
Rawr. quote: moving changing I have no stable ground beneath me scenes fluctuate Before my eyes I see no constants see no constants Only chaos in the world around me. The only constant is change. Maybe it's just me, but this poem could possibly be clearer & cooler with a little more spacing. Check it out. quote: moving changing I have no stable ground beneath me scenes fluctuate Before my eyes I see no constants see no constants Only chaos in the world around me. The only constant is change. I don't know. To be brutally honest, the whole thing feels a bit forced/rushed, which I realize is probably a result of the whole "A Poem a Day" concept. It's just...you're really not saying very much here. :/ quote: It is still deathly still Leaves rustle and then it's deathly still again. Ears perk up Eyes widen in fear A nose sniffs the air But the air is deathly still. Then a flash of orange-- a flash of red. A blur with black stripes Strikes. Retreats. The air is still again. I'm gonna mess with your spacing again. :P I just have a thing for spaces, okay?! quote: It is still, deathly still. Leaves rustle, and then it's deathly still again. Ears perk up Eyes widen in fear A nose sniffs the air But the air is deathly still. Then a flash of orange-- a flash of red. A blur with black stripes Strikes. Retreats. The air is still again. My biggest - and possibly only - issue with this poem is the vocabulary you limit yourself too. "Deathly still air" is just screaming be used in a metaphor with a graveyard or something of that nature, in my opinion. Perhaps the tiger's(?) strike could result in the "final breath" of some unfortunate creature, I could certainly see something cool coming out of exploring this idea. Deathly still air vs. a movement resulting in death, more specifically one's last breath? Breathing this deathly still air keeps them alive? But yeah, lots of "still," "death/ly," "air." It would make more sense to repeat these words so often if the poem was actually about "deathly still air," but it's about the tiger...right? o_O; That's all I got for now. Cheerio.

wbsbb -> RE: The Dracowolf Times (10/5/2008 23:00:25)
Versilaryan you have great poetry so good luck with all of it. P.S. Why did you enable PM P.S.S.I will never see you again.So Good-Bye.

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