Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Completed!) (Full Version)

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Argeus the Paladin -> Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Completed!) (10/26/2008 20:34:05)



Writer's Note: To inform everyone, my planned piece of prose, the sequel to the Ascension of Kuriaaga no Ajisu, is put on hold definitely and most likely cancelled. Instead, I am recycling the various characters and plot devices that I have planned on that book in this new piece- Seisen Engi, "Romance of the Holy War".

The reasons for the above cancellation are various, but these are the primary reasons:

1) L&L is not tolerant of fanfictions. And seeing how pointless writing a fanfiction without a single reader who has knowledge of the work being fanfictionized around here is, this is sel-justified.

2) The work being fanfictionized, Lunar Legend- Tsukihime, is rated M due to extreme violence, sexual themes and various other adult themes, including incest and... yep, you get the picture. This goes against the spirit of L&L. If I use my own characters, I can still keep some of the themes, and keep everything within the PG-13 limit.

3) My own knowledge of the TYPE-MOON universe is restricted, since all what I have read is the first half of the Tsukihime manga. Writing such a fanfiction would lead to various plot-holes, which is against my wish.

4) I have spoiled Falerin's masterpiece of Adventure Quest storyline more than enough already.

However, there are disadvantages, including:

spoiler:

- Lack of an established Paladin figure, as there is no Artix.
- The removal of many interesting AQ-Tsukihime references, such as the hunt for the Blade of Awe, the Asgardian Steed Steedy, the Frostvale Massacre as carried out by Nero Chaos, the use of Viridium-infused longbows against the said vampire's 666 beasts, the participation of Lucius and Noctros in the battle against Michael Roa Valdamjong, a new Uber called Shiki's Scion, a final battle against an Asgardian-clad Roa, and a whole lot more.
- Not to mention a blatant decline in terms of interest. I am a fanfictionist by trade, remember?


Okay, now on to the new story. This time, Argeus the Paladin sets up a story with a Japanese high school student with a dark past and chronic asthma, a vampire lady on the hunt for a betrayer, and a "cheesy" love story, anime/manga style... how low could Argeus get? You'll be surprised.

Synopsis: The Prince Paladin of the Kingdom of Hadrius, Argeus Elmarian Sunrise, has been assassinated by the kingdom's political enemies. It turned out that the misfortune became the fortune, as the wandering soul of the lost prince is recruited by the enigmatic God of Light Aurorus, and becomes the god's foremost champion. The dead Paladin, now a special agent of the God of Light, has to travel to the world of Earth, where he must coordinate with the local deities and eliminate a growing threat against his own world, while still keeping his identity as an angel a secret. He soon finds himself becoming the mentor of a demigod teenager, fated to be the eliminator of that threat himself. Little did the paladin angel know that the hidden threat concealed more secrets than he could ever comprehend...

Please read, and enjoy!



Firefly -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (10/26/2008 23:47:03)

Just read the first scene. I'll read the second one later. (Read: late, tired, stuff to do, ect.)

Your storyline really, really intrigues me. Argeus writing about angels? That's a surprise. ;) I'm looking forward to reading more.

I'll be looking at this in an overview by parts.

The opening: I really liked how you talked about how people are usually not remembered in death. Very powerful theme. I really loved it. Distinctive. You did seem to press an enter where you shouldn't've:

quote:

Prince Argeus
Elmarian Sunrise of the Kingdom of Hadrius was one of those vast minorities.

No enter after "Argeus"?

Now, the next paragraph. I admit that I'm rather distracted and tired atm, so this opinion might be bad, but you go from describing something so important to talking about the scenes in the town, and I honestly found myself drifting off a tab. The expositiony way you wrote it, imo, wasn't the most interesting. Again, this might be my personal preference since I'm not a exposition person. Maybe you'll be able to heighten interest by:
1. Maybe going directly to the scene of the king's speech. You can describe the city some other time.
2. Cut the exposition down to the vital parts. Describe the white garb and tears or something, and do so in less words (you don't have to spend a sentence for every item; just say what was there and move on).
Of course, just my opinion, but you can try those things.

Now, in the next part, you talk about his achievements. But you also do that in the king's speech. Imo, maybe you can cut the exposition parts down in order to not be redundant. It was written well, but it's not necessary to say some of the things again since the king's speech was fairly telling and descriptive.

The speech itself was good. You captured the formality and stuff really well. I liked it. The pauses were also well done. Only objection is that you might wish to talk a bit more about the reaction of the crowd. Like, during his pauses, grasp the opportunity to describe the setting, surrounding people, reactions, ect. a bit more to paint a more colourful picture.

I liked the ending very much. Great portrayal of anger in the listeners and sadness in the king. Oh, btw:

quote:

The triple white flags flown at half-mast at either side of the cathedral, the white outfit of the mourners and the congregation, as well as the late winter's snowflakes showering upon the roads, painting the whole surrounding in an overwhelming color of sorrowful and deathly white, summed up the mourning of Prince Argeus, as the Prince was escorted to his final destination- the Asgardian Mausoleum, where all the great heroes and heroines of Hadrius were buried.

I thought you were taking out the AE references?

Another random thing:

quote:

"Argeus, no matter how much this father's heart bleed, no matter how much tears we shed for you, no matter how much we regret a future that could have been ours, it is the gods who have made their judgement on your demise. Even though I know that we all resent the gods' decision for you to die such an untimely death by such cowardly hands, there is nothing we can do about this except to mourn for you, and pass judgement on those who has caused us this irreplaceable loss.
The gods' verdict has been made, and we must abide by it and live on. However, Argeus,if you could hear me from beneath the cold earth, I would like to say that your father, your mother, your friends and comrades, your brothers-in-arms and your people would never forget about you, your glorious deeds and what you have done for us. You have fallen, but your spirit will live on for as long as Honor, Courage and Justice still have their say in our nation's way."

1. Missing line break.
2. Quotation before "The"
3. If the speaker believes in the God, it should be capitalized, according to the logic of one of my friends.

Overall, really enjoyed it. Interesting idea, great opening paragraph. A bit more expositiony than I would've liked, and a few sentences are kinda long and wordy, but you've got a wonderful vocabulary and use of words in speech.



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (10/27/2008 0:10:12)

Thanks a LOT! Didn't expect to see the reply coming that quickly...

1) Enter errors: I had to type this work in WORDPAD (NO MS or inernet at home...). Which means manual enter for linebreak. I must have left this out by mistake. Going to mend.

2) The exposition part: Well... I just don't want to make the beginning too abrupt. And the story is long, so the introduction shouldn't bee too short either. That's my ops.

3) AE reference: Actually, "Asgard" is the Nordic word for "Realms of the gods". Any Norse myth-influenced stories will have those things. I add "Asgardian" just for that purpose, for the pantheon in this world that I am writing about is rather Greek-Nordic in nature (Gods who are in every bit human-like - The God of Light is a casual deity who seems to dislike paperwork, axes and being called "Your Divinity", for example).

However, the use of "Terran" CAN be considered an AE reference. But since both AE and Starcraft are using that word, there is no copyright problem...

As of now... say bye bye to Argeus the Virtuous Paladin Angel because he is going to go off scene at least until chapter 5-6. In his place, I'll introduce you to the story's primary, god-modding, troops-commanding protagonist, Zaelro Samuel Fastoff in a rather... err... "Pro-ecchi" context. I'll do my best to keep it PG-13 though.

A random note: I am trying to find a Japanese name for Seisen Engi's version of Shiki Tohno and Arcueid Brunestud. Any idea?



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (10/30/2008 0:41:11)

Chapter 2 up! The first step to drawing a pseudo-Tsukihime plot. As of now, the story is still confusing (Two chapters, three different and seemingly unconnected plots, angels, paladins, demigods and vampires, all in one. Creepy...), and in all conscience, is going to be even more confusing in the next chapter when the Shiki Tohno equivalent is completed.

Let me review the checklist for story introduction again:

- Introduce Artix von Krieger and Light Lord equivalent (Argeus the Paladin and Aurorus the God of Light, in that order). Checked.
- Introduce Zaelro Samuel Fastoff the major protagonist. Checked.
- Introduce Arcueid Brunestud equivalent (Florine Silverlance). Checked
- Introduce Michael Roa Valdamjong equivalent (Regley van Gendamme). Checked
- Introduce Misaki town equivalent (Sankoku). Checked
- Introduce Shiki Tohno equivalent (proposed name is Takashi Minamoto). Not done.
- Introduce Ciel equivalent (not yet any ideas for name). Obviously not done.
- Introduce Nero Chaos equivalent (not yet any ideas for name). Obviously not done.
- Introduce Terran Uber sets to be collected by the protagonist. More than obvious, not done yet.

Note on character formation. In terms of characters' personality:

Argeus Sunrise = 20% Me + 20% Sun Ce + 30% Arthas + 30% Artix.
Zaelro Fastoff = 50% Me (Yay! I'm the lucky guy!) + 20% Harry Potter + 30% Yoh Asakura.
Florine Silverlance = 70% Arcueid Brunestud + 30% OC.
Proposed Takashi Minamoto = 80% Shiki Tohno + 20% OC.

Note to vampire fans: The vampire lore in my story deviates from that of the norm. I borrow a portion from Tsukihime (That which states that some vampires do not need blood to live, and that which states that vampires exert control over zombies), and the rest are my own ideas (There are as many types of vamps with different traits as there are nationalities of humans, and it is possible for humans and vampires to coexist -sounds like Megaman X5).

Note to Fire Emblem fans: Great Lord Hector in Seisen Engi =/= Great Lord Hector in Rekka no Ken and Fuuin no Tsurugi. By a thousand miles.

Note on language: Because the story's setting is Japan, and many characters (the only exception as of now is Argeus the Paladin) speaks Japanese, the dialogues are assumed to be Japanese. However, when there is a character involved that apparently doesn't know Japanese, assume that the related exchange is in English.



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (10/30/2008 23:33:50)

Chapter 2 done. This would introduce most of the plot, if you would follow the 6830 words till the end. The key characters Oredin Kaledon and his faithful Four Generals has been introduced, and the Shiki Tohno figure tossed to the stage as well. The only difference between the real Shiki Tohno and Takashi Minamoto is that the former has got anemia, while the latter has asthma. Both of them cause unexpected fainting, but I suppose the second one is more dangerous.

Back to the checklist:

- Introduce Artix von Krieger and Light Lord equivalent (Argeus the Paladin and Aurorus the God of Light, in that order). Checked.
- Introduce Zaelro Samuel Fastoff the major protagonist. Checked.
- Introduce Arcueid Brunestud equivalent (Florine Silverlance). Checked
- Introduce Michael Roa Valdamjong equivalent (Regley van Gendamme). Checked
- Introduce Misaki town equivalent (Sankoku). Checked
- Introduce Shiki Tohno equivalent (Takashi Minamoto). Checked.
- Introduce Ciel equivalent (not yet any ideas for name). Obviously not done.
- Introduce Nero Chaos equivalent (not yet any ideas for name). Obviously not done.
- Introduce Terran Uber sets to be collected by the protagonist. More than obvious, not done yet.

Ciel's equivalent shll be introduced when Zaelro apply for an extracurricular activity.

As a last note, this chapter is the recycling and adapting of a combination of the second and third chapter of my said Tsukihime fanfiction posted on a TYPE-MOON fansite under the alias of "Gamespammer".



Firefly -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 2 up!) (10/31/2008 22:10:59)

Grr, keep writing at this pace and I'll never catch up. =P

Anyhow, I finished chapter one. Really enjoyed the dialogue here. As always, you manage to capture tone and feeling to match the characters. I love how you blend formality with informality at all the right times. Good work on that. ;)

My objection still lies in the somewhat wordiness and exposition at times. For example, you give a whole paragraph to describing the sound of the voice of the God of Light. Imo, just a sentence or two to describe the ringing and echoing quality would be enough. Especially in dialogue. Overdescribing the tone of a voice isn't the best idea. I know, 'cause I used to do this /a lot/. But many times, words are enough for an audience to deduce the voice. Yes, some description is nice here. But, imo, a whole paragraph isn't really that necessary.

quote:

In a matter of seconds, the warrior figure was up on his feet, and the first thing to come to his sense from then was a jolt of pain in his back.

Hmm, lemme try to use this sentence to demostrate what I mean...
The things that I see most wrong are that it's a bit wordy and the conjunction "and" doesn't fit here. The two things don't seem to have enough relation, imo. Sentences don't have to be overly long. As for the wordiness... Hmm.
"In seconds, the warrior rose to his feet. His first feeling was a jolt of pain in his back." Or, if you want to get rid of the weak "was" in the second sentence: "In seconds, the warrior rose to his feet. A jolt of pain in his back brought him to his senses." or something. I dunno. Just a thought that some of the sentences could be trimmed.

Other than the sometimes wordiness, there isn't too much for me to complain about. Just watch out for the -ly adverbs. They still popped up quite a bit. Maybe try Control + f to find them? Anyways, I really enjoy this story; interesting storyline that really keeps me reading. I'll go on to chapter two as soon as possible. ;)



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 2 up!) (11/2/2008 19:21:20)

*me patpats FF*

I plan to invest en-masse in this story until I can get a story that can be sold for cash, not for credit. Because I need a lot of liquid current asset at the moment being. [/Business Reporting and Analysis bragging rights]

Anyway, today I plan to assault chapter 3. Will try to watch for wordliness, though.

BTW: Can't believe that the Tsukihime inspiration has gone so far as to kick me into the creation of a completely new fantasy world of Terra. Nam change may be needed- I admit that I cannot yet come up with a name as creative as WyvernKnight's Drarai.



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 2 up!) (11/4/2008 19:03:47)

Note as of US election day (what a coincidence):

- I have further developed the background of the story so that it would resemble Tsukihime as little as possible, although some are inevitable due to story formation. For example, *looks at notes* Takashi still got acquainted to Florine by killing and dismembering her (!?!) which is exactly how it happened in Tsukihime. Also, in another few chapters, the attack of the Nero Chaos equivalent in order to kill Florine is exactly the same as how it went in the visual novel, save for Zaelro's role (And believe me, his role is way big).

- Written up a back-story for the world of Terra, as well as fully implementing the New Terran Uber sets that bear little resemblance to the Lorian counterparts. However, there are still some significant similarities. For example, the Paladinian Sword of Light as it shall appear in another three chapters is a buffed-up version of Blade of Awe, the Aurora set and the Gespenst set are respectively revamped versions of Golden and Nemesis/Shadow, and the horse to be introduced within the next chapter or the chapter after next is a pallete-swap of Asgardian Steed.

- The only problem now is the lack of time, as it is. *me curses the university*




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 2 up!) (11/4/2008 23:59:57)

Chaper 3 id done against all odds! Hooray to me!

What you will probably find in this chapter:

- The full portrayal of a Terran god, and how a seemingly omnipotent god may become helpless at times.
- The main difference between Argeus and my two other protagonist as seen in L&L works of mine: Kuraodo and Thomas are devoid of any female companionship, while Argeus does, albeit a very light and minor notion.

What you will probably NOT like in this chapter:

- Order of chapter: This chapter could be merged with the Prologue to form an uber-prologue of 8400 words.
- A rather OOC god: Aurorus is far from perfect, as any other polytheistic deity, but this chapter completely bashed him in a sense.

Now to the checklist:

- Introduce Artix von Krieger and Light Lord equivalent (Argeus the Paladin and Aurorus the God of Light, in that order). Checked.
- Introduce Zaelro Samuel Fastoff the major protagonist. Checked.
- Introduce Arcueid Brunestud equivalent (Florine Silverlance). Checked
- Introduce Michael Roa Valdamjong equivalent (Regley van Gendamme). Checked
- Introduce Misaki town equivalent (SankAku). Checked
- Introduce Shiki Tohno equivalent (Takashi Minamoto). Checked.
- Introduce Ciel equivalent (Mina Hearthglen). Done in plans, not yet in story.
- Introduce Nero Chaos equivalent (The Faceless). Same as above.
- Introduce Terran Uber sets to be collected by the protagonist. Checked.

As of now you still haven't had an idea why the story is called "The Holy War". A non-spoiler explanation is:

The Holy War of Earth-Terra is a series of battles orchestrated by the combined forces of Light and Darkness against the forces of Chaos, to maintain the sacrament of the Terran pantheon, and to prevent the advance of the more chaotic vampires of Earth.



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (11/6/2008 0:28:39)

Chapter 4 is done today!

Saying of the day: A chapter a day keeps Firefly from catching up. :P

quote:

Grr, keep writing at this pace and I'll never catch up. =P


What you will find in this chapter:

- The first character that isn't present in Lunar Legend: Tsukihime (Suuichi Takeda, a bumbling vampire hunter /somewhat/ identifiable with the clumsy vampslayer in Firefly's HotD)
- A lot of Greek millitary terminology (namely, Hetairoi - companion cavalry, Peltast - light spear-throwing skirmishers, Hoplite - standard Greek soldiers comparable to European knights, Hoplon - shields of the Hoplites, Phalanx - formation of Greek Hoplites, and Gladius - short sword )
- Slight overture of the Ciel-equivalent.

What you will probably not like in this chapter:

- The meaning of Zaelro-esque godmodding. He summons Oredin and 50+ soldiers, and the professional soldiers get rid of a vampire in less than half a minute.
- Argeus the writer's two-cent romance hints for the vampire slayer as shown in the "what you will find" part.

Checklist:

- Introduce Artix von Krieger and Light Lord equivalent (Argeus the Paladin and Aurorus the God of Light, in that order). Checked.
- Introduce Zaelro Samuel Fastoff the major protagonist. Checked.
- Introduce Arcueid Brunestud equivalent (Florine Silverlance). Checked
- Introduce Michael Roa Valdamjong equivalent (Regley van Gendamme). Checked
- Introduce Misaki town equivalent (Sankaku). Checked
- Introduce Shiki Tohno equivalent (Takashi Minamoto). Checked.
- Introduce Ciel equivalent (Mina Hearthglen). Hinted, but not yet clear introduction.
- Introduce Nero Chaos equivalent (The Faceless). Same as above.
- Introduce Terran Uber sets to be collected by the protagonist. Checked.



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/7/2008 1:51:01)

Chapter 5 is done today! Hooray to me!

A side note, while I failed the word record (1000 wph) I still managed to come up with this done. A good news indeed.

What you will find in this chapter:

- My take (and my two-cent explanation) on Takashi and his sister's (and thusly, Shiki's and Akiha's, as in the original Tsukihime) curse.
- Appearance of the Arihiko equivalent. Tried to take him further than the bastardic womanizer of original version.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tsukihime manga

Shiki: I've just spent quality time with her [Ciel]
Arihiko <apparently astonished>: What? How?
Shiki: Helping her mend the school garden fences.
Arihiko: Oh, I thought you two had [something inappropriate to be discussed on Battleon]



What you will probably not like in this chapter:

- Argeus the Paladin's appearance and disappearance was too random.
- Some of the speeches may be slightly offending to those who are teachers.

From this chapter onward I decide to skip the checklist. The reason is, the only last main characters to be introduced (Ciel-equivalent and Nero Chaos-equivalent) shall be introduced in the next and next to next chapter, respectively.

Read, and enjoy!



Crimzon5 -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/7/2008 7:04:09)

Read the prologue. Anyways... before comments and suggestions, let's go for the common/slight errors/typos.

quote:

promisedfuture
Press Ctrl + F to find it. Then, put a space between the two words.

quote:

a honorable

If we pronounce the latter word, it would be: "O-no-ra-bol", hence chnge 'a' to 'an'. It's like the phrase: "An hour from now"

quote:

the king's voice raised

Rose... kinda sounds more appropriate. I think it's just me be heh, your call.

quote:

judgement

It's 'judgment'

quote:

And that the passing away of a heromay

'hero may'?

quote:

if wakingup the

it's two words

quote:

Much is left adone

'Adone' doesnt seem to be in my dictionary (and here I was ready to learn a new word)

quote:

capable of physically reflect sound.

It should be 'reflecting'. Why? Remove the word phycically, we get 'capable of reflect...'

Capable of <--- preposition. If the word that follows in 'reflect', it wont fit because the object of the preposition should be a noun. Thus... making it 'reflecting', which is a verbal (gerund to be exact) will do the trick.

quote:

At once, the man called Argeus reactively turned back, and to his unprecedented astonishment, before him stood a eight-feet-tall male human-like creature, with long, silky golden hair, and a set of golden plate, longsword, and shield to go with it. A platinum corona of light hung a couple of inches above the figure's head, and as far as Argeus' knowledge was concerned, that was doubtlessly the sign of a top-ranking divine being, to whom even angels would have to bow. Before long, Argeus' attention were drawn to what lay behind the golden-clad figure, which confirmed his assumption- three pairs of golden wings were spreading at full span, just behind his figure, dwarfing even his already oversize body itself with their magnificent reach. As Argeus slowly regained full conscience, he could see the dazzling aura light generated from the figure was immense. Even angels of the highest order could never afford to maintain such an aura. The more Argeus thought, the more it appeared that he was, indeed, encountering a divine being of the highest possible order.

Heh, too many Argeus'. Try changing some of them to "the prince", etc. Hey wait! Suggestions are for later. Ah well...

quote:

subjectof
Another lack of a space

quote:

somethinghe
Another lack of a space

quote:

have earnt your right y your virtuous life."

1) Earnt isnt a word
2) what's with the 'y'?
3) 'your right your virtuous life' ???

quote:

the full sope of what

'scope'?



Heh, that was long. As for the suggestion, heh... I kinda found it lacking detail when it comes to scenery. However, good job when it comes to elaborating the chatacter's ctions and expressions.

Also, I almost posted the comments in the story thread (I thought it was in the WA). May you please post the link to the comments thread there.



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/7/2008 22:11:57)

Many thanks Crimz!

Done up the parts that were amiss. Sure, there isn't such a word called "adone", but I really thought there was. So I replaced it. Also killed some spare "Argeus". Added a link to comment thread as well!

As for the lack in scenario description, actually there isn't much, if you stand in the middle of the sky in a Greek-like structure with barely anything of particular notice.

You liked the character description? Great! Be sure to catch on, you'll find some /really/ more interesting things on in due time.

P.S. EARNT is a word. PP of Earn, if I remember it correctly.




Crimzon5 -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/7/2008 23:53:27)

Well... there's burnt for burn... but I think it's earned for earn




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/7/2008 23:57:13)

There are many ways to spell an English word, so I'll look at that again.

In the meantime, read on! ('Cause, there will be tens of thousands of words to come pouring down in the week to come!)



Firefly -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/8/2008 0:05:35)

My two cents:

"earnt" I don't think is a word. The past tense is "earned." "burnt" is the adjective form of "burn" as in "The burnt bread rested on the table." "burned" is the verb form of "burn" as in "She burned him to crisps with her fireball."



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/8/2008 0:13:37)

Oh my god...

This explains all the trifles...

And just to add another seemingly impossible word that I learnt today to the moment's fun: Homo/heteroscedasticity. (courtesy of Dr. Bronwen Whiting, School of Finance and Applied Statistics, the Australian National University.)



Firefly -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/8/2008 0:31:59)

Blame my spellcheck, which happens to recognize dreamt, spelt, and learnt just fine.

Hey, I was only giving my two cents. Sorry if it offended you.



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/8/2008 0:43:22)

Hey, forget that; as people said, English is the "crazy language", anyway.

BTW, the humongous back in the last post meant equal variance/lack thereof, in terms of regression diagnostic X))



Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/8/2008 15:58:35)

Hi!

I read all you've posted so far practically in one sitting.

This is crazy. Insane. In a very good way. =P

The story is very enticing and entertaining. I truly laughed my head off at the 'behemoth of a cup of coffee,' enjoyed tremendously your description of the nightly scenery and athmosphere when Zaelro went walking after his night-snacking, and got all spirited away with the 'Russian dream'. (Although I can't understand why he's called Yefime and not Jefim, since the latter seem a better translitteration of a Russian name in my miseducated opinion, but...oh well)

There were a couple of odd choices of words, typos, and repetition, but as I found myself wolfing up your story, I completely forgot to take note and I am too lazy right now to dig them all up again. I'll return later with more detailed critique, ok?

The only thing I could find again with a quick Edit-Find is this:
quote:

Zaelro’s slumber took his conscience far, far away from Sankaku, from the country of japan, leaving him in an unknown location, which the teen soon realized, from his geographic lessons, to be Russia.

from Chapter 1 - Scene 2
You need to capitalise the name of Nippon...

Apart from those occasional typos etc, the only thing I had problem with was the a tad dragging feel in the first scene of the Prologue. You may have used too cumbersome expressions when describing the solemnity of the funeral service to my personal preference. Also, this might be the part where most of the unneeded repetition lays at the moment. I occasionally got the impression that you used many different formulations only to state the same thing over and over again. About the nation's dreams gone as the prince died, for example, and about how he was such an admirable warrior, and how the subjects mourn him.

The pace of your story-telling speeds up after the prologue, and is nowhere near the slight heaviness of the start later on. So might there be a minor imbalance in the styling or did you aim intentionally to write the funeral with such a different feel?

As I said, good work and a great story so far!



Firefly -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/8/2008 19:01:00)

Rawr. You purposefully want me behind all the time, eh? =P

Finished reading Chapter One. I liked this a lot more than the prologue. I agree with Fabula that the pacing of the prologue is too slow compared to the much better pacing in Ch. 1. While it might be intentional, the prologue is the first thing the reader reads, so imo, it's best if you hook them right there.

This chapter is extremely interesting. I'm dying to read more once I have the time. The first scene showed a nice twist and a good mystery surrounding the family without overdoing it and losing the realistic atmosphere. The second scene felt dark and chilly, just like you probably intended.

Of course, I do have a few objections. Firstly, I don't like the opening line of the plane thing. It didn't seem realistic. It might be too wordy/descriptive. From my plane ride experiences, I don't /think/ (I can't remember) they state the plane number and all that. They usually just say "We are landing shortly. Please fasten your seatbelts" ect. because the seatbelt part is rather important; they wouldn't want it lost among a bunch of numbers, right? I could be completely wrong, but something about the opener didn't sound right. I suggest you move the info of the plane and where it's from ect. elsewhere to Zaelro's thoughts, ect.

Continuing on the realism thing, about this:

quote:

The following evening was much like a festivity to Zaelro, as he was greeted by his host family like the most distinguished of all guests, with a hundred and fifty percent ceremony even for a standard Anglo-Saxon aristocrat.

Rereading it, it didn't seem like it anymore, but are you calling Zaelro an aristocrat? You didn't mention that in the beginning, and my impression of his parents wasn't aristocratic status. Maybe it's just the phrasing.

quote:

“Fastoff-san? I have been assigned to take you back to your host, sir,”

I think it's unlikely he'd use Japanese suffixes mixed in with English, especially if he was trying to play good chauffeur.

A few formatting comments:

quote:

”What on Earth? Is this the suburban experience that they were preaching to me just now? Or is this New York and I have taken the wrong plane?”

In the published books I've read, emphasis within thoughts/already italicized things are usually then unitalicized. Imo, bold just sticks out way too much.

Because i'm lazy, I'll use the later part of the above quote to show my next comment:

quote:

the chauffeur called out, with a standard Tokyo Japanese accent, “I hope you enjoyed the flight, and welcome to Sankaku, sir.”

When there is something before dialogue, it does not use a comma unless it is a speech tag for the dialogue after it. In this case, it's a tag for the stuff before it. So the comma here should be a period. There are many instances in this chapter; I won't point out all of them. But because I can't explain very well, here are some examples to illustrate my point:

When the tag is for a single sentence: "Bob," she said, "it's time." (the talk, without the tag, is "Bob, it's time." not "Bob. It's time." Note the lack of capital in "it's". The sentences you used the commas in were all complete sentences on their own, while "it's time" here is part of "Bob...")
When the tag refers to the dialogue after it (NOT before it): She said, "I have to go." (Please note that the following is incorrect: "I have to go," she said, "There's a meeting coming up." Correct: "I have to go," she said. "There's a meeting coming up." [in other words, it's "I have to go. There's a meeting coming up." and /not/ "I have to go, There's a meeting coming up." See my point?)

Make sense? Moving on...

The largest objective I have is still your abundant use of adjectives and adverbs instead of choosing stronger nouns and verbs. I've commented about the adverbs before and how to get rid of them (ran quickly --> raced ect.) so I won't repeat myself. Now, for the adjectives. Lemme find an example...

quote:

For a moment, it looked as if the entire forest was covered in a type of flash beam like the radiating, guiding light of a lighthouse.

I do have numerous objections to the overall wordiness here, but I'll be working with the adjectives. Imo, "lighthouse" already tells the audience it's a radiating, guiding light. Those words only seem to drag it down. Instead, you can try writing it like: "...in a flashing beam that guided with the glow of a lighthouse" (I did several other trims and took out the repetition of "light.")

There's a slight POV change problem here:

quote:

In just a couple of seconds, the tower had completed its mission, and as far as the Russian vampire lord was concerned, it would be a long time before Reglay van Gendamme and his vile mavericks could discover the precious Prime Maiden, and until then, she should have woken up her powers and be powerful enough to end their threat once and for all. Yefime Alexeyevich sighed of relief at such a thought. As of now, what he should do was to return home to his estate and prepare its defense. As much as he knew there was no stopping his defeat, as a familial saying goes, “a proud Russian white bear never goes down without a dozen of its foes”. Thinking so, Lord Alexeyevich returned home as fast as he could, to prepare for his lost cause…

The rest of the scene was from Zaelro's perspective, him being able to only observe the actions and dialogue. Now, you suddenly delve into the vampire lord's head. I'm not the strictist on POVs, but for this particular scene, to not ruin the feeling of mystery, I highly suggest you do not suddenly throw the POV off. In fact, many people would suggest one POV per a scene point. I think that is probably the way to go for this scene at least. Since there's no plausible fix, I suggest you delete this paragraph altogether. Unnecessary info. We can probably deduce as much.

Finally, two things. One, I think a few of your prepositions are a bit misused. I can't think of any examples atm, but maybe watch out for not using the wrong prepositions at times. Lastly, I found this:

quote:

For some reasons, that might be an alarming sign.

And this:
quote:

For some strange reasons, Zaelro was able to observe everything and anything they do.

You use the "For some reason" phrase with the plural reasons. Maybe it's the way I talk, and I don't claim to be an expert on culture, but I think the correct phrase is "reason" singular.

Alright. That's what my reading found, basically. I like your foreshadowing and your pacing here. Once you trim it up a bit, you'll be able to add "beautiful descriptions" onto your achievement folder. ;) I'll return again once I have time. Hopefully soon.



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/9/2008 18:05:10)

Thanks to BOTH of you! I didn't expect that much comment in just the one day that I was off!

Now, let's see...

1) Wee, both of you complained about the pacing of the prologue. One thing may explain this over-cumbersome-ness of the prologue- it acts like Argeus Elmarian Sunrise's letter of recommendation. It tells the reader what an awesome prince Argeus is, and how his being instantly recruited by the God of Light is justified. And it justifies how he could do awesome things in later chapters, in stark ccontrast to Zaelro, who, although is a quick learner, a demigod, AND the protagonist, is heavily out-shone in many a case.

(WARNING: VERY HEAVY SPOILER BELOW!)

spoiler:

Such as OHKO-ing the Tsukihime Ciel's equivalent when she had beaten Zaelro almost to a pulp. Note that the original Ciel was already so-powerful-she-spoils-the-entire-story (Fab, the ending Nanatsu no Horii Maito as in The Ascension Book One, yeah, the thing that ripped Ryuusei Cartwright apart in a single blow, was inspired partly by Omnislash and partly by Ciel's Nanako Cannon in Tsukihime), and my version was pretty much ten times as cool, because she is the daughter of the villain in this story, rather than his past incarnation a la original Tsukihime.


2) @ Fabula: Thanks for your compliments! As for "Jefim" and "Yefime", I haven't got the time to check yet, but I suppose Wiktionary would help. I'll slay the "japan" when I have time. Thanks again, and I'm glad you enjoyed my story!

(Note that Aegina is largely comical- she will most likely not participate in the most decisive of battles, but will still show up in the (planned) ending, mostly to add some comical effect. Were this a manga she would act mostly on behalf of err... fan-service? *gets bashed by Yerameyahu and other OOC anti-fan-service-activists*)

3) @ FF: You now get the chance to catch up when Argeus the author proceeds to fight the four monsters codenamed, in that order, STAT 1008, ECON 1101, MKTG 1004 and BUSN 1001 in the Australian National University arena. :P

- On the flight notice: I'll look at that again.

- Zaelro is not an aristocrat. I specifically stated that he hails from an UPPER MIDDLE CLASS family, albeit damn close to upper class [/elitism]. However, what he was thinking, paraphrased, was, "Hey, Even if I were a peer this kind of treatment would be a tad bit too much, let alone I ain't!" Maybe that line was misguiding.

- Read the "Language Notice" in the first few posts, please. In this story, any conversation in a group among which all members know Japanese is assumed to be in Japanese. Thusly:
+ Pretty much every conversation that involves Zaelro and does not involve Oredin/Argeus or the Valhallan Regiment commanders are in Japanese.
+ The host family, and people in Zaelro's school talk to each other in Japanese.
+ Don't worry about Florine Silverlance and Mina Hearthglen, because they speak as if they have a built-in translator put inside them.

The suffix is added for realism. My buddies in FF.net had stated that too many of those things could be annoying, so I'll try to watch that.

- On vocab note: Sigh... sometimes floweriness as in "beautiful description" would cost a lot of time and, yeah. I am leaving this aside for some time until this monstrosity can be completed largely.

*looks at note*

There shall be a fire battle resembling Yi Ling and a naval battle pretty much resembling both Luom (As in Gundam Original) and Salamis, much later in the story. And that is macro alone.

Once again, thanks to all of you!

P.S. One more question. Do you think my story resembles Tsukihime too much? I have tried to cut down on Tsukihime similarities, but as of now, there are still a lot of similarities, and TYPE-MOON may file a lawsuit against me when I try to get this published in a later date, seeing that so many people are interested in vampirekind AND was disappointed by Twilight.



Firefly -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/9/2008 19:46:04)

Oh? He was talking to Zaelro in Japanese? Then:

quote:

“Fastoff-san? I have been assigned to take you back to your host, sir,” the chauffeur called out, with a standard Tokyo Japanese accent,

How can you have a Japanese accent if the language you're speaking /is/ Japanese? Unless you mean he has a Tokyo accent, like how people have different accents in different parts of the US, ect. However, I'm not sure if different parts of Japan have different accents (they probably do, I'm not sure) and considering that it's from Zaelro's POV, him not being a native speaker, he probably can't tell a Tokyo accent from whatever other accents Japan has.

EDIT: Edited for some really terrible grammar.



Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/10/2008 19:47:23)

Actually the "Japanese" was to denote that the speaker was not speaking in English. However that may use some revision.

BTW, Zaelro is supposed to be the /best/ language, history and geography student of his school, and in terms of language alone, he is quite close to a native speaker's level, with the only limitation being the lack of knowledge on slangs and street language. At least he could clearly distinguish Osaka, Kansai and standard dialect without much problem.

Also, as for the POV, there was a mix up: At first, the scene in the Russian taiga was not part of Zaelro's dream sequence, and therefore clearly told from a third person perspective. However, I changed it to a dream sequence later on to add to the coherance, but I certainly didn't edit it all.

I'll look over all of those. Need some time for recovery though. Yesterday's Quantitative Research Methods exam was completely exhausting for me.



Firefly -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 4 up!) (11/10/2008 21:16:49)

Even if he's the best speaker, the point remains that he is not native and does not live in a Japanese speaking environment. I think (this is derived completely from my personal experiences of learning languages and my relationships with people) it's highly unlikely someone can reach native level without having actually /experienced/ the place. I don't think classes would teach things like dialect up to that effect. Plus, a lotta class learning tends to favour reading and writing as opposed to making the person the perfect speaker. On top of that, English and Japanese are insanely different. If it was, say, English and French, then it might be more likely.

Of course, this is purely my opinion of what is likely or not. Feel free to disagree; I know people can know dozens of languages and I've no idea how they do it, but if we compare Zaelro to, say, the best French student in my school (note that French and English are much more similar than English and Japanese), he's be /much/ more proficient. Imo, environment teaches way better than class. There are people from foreign countries who spend decades learning, and once they arrive at the actual place, they find out that even their /teachers/ were just meh. Of course, it's just my experience, my opinion.



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