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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 13 up!) (11/29/2008 18:04:38)
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Well, apparently, I need to acquaint myself more in detail with Michail Aleksandrovich Sholokhov and the Cossacks...
I honestly was under the impression that Cossacks were more like an institution (like Roman legions) than a culture in respect of nationality etc.
*adds a line to her more research-to-be-done-list*
I read chapters 7 to 13 today. Not in one sitting though, but in one day, anyway. Yay for you and for your story!
From these chapters, I enjoyed 9-11 the most, although I have absolutely no general complaints about chapter 12 or 13, either. And chapter 11 worked fine as one flow without separate 'scenes', imo.
There was one thing burdening chapters 7 and 8, imho. You might've overdescribed the method of transport a bit too much. Now, this might very well work differently for those readers who read one chapter one day, the next chapter a couple of days later. But as I read it all in course of a single day, I felt like I don't really need that many reminders of the hitech - transport. So, my thoughts went a little like: "You told me about that already in a few paragraphs ago. My memory isn't that bad." Hence, I would recommend that you would check that out for possible trimming.
I'm happy that you had Zaelro eat up some humble-pie. =P Overtly lucky protagonists can get annoying, even if they are sympathetic otherwise.
Now, I have made a list from a bunch of details that caught my eye while reading:
Chapter 7
Scene 1
1)quote:
Whatever happened, when there was no news, there is hope for the best.
This is from the opening paragraph. I understand the idea behind this sentence, but it kinda felt odd written like this -- 'no news' --, since the previous chapter just ended in him listening to the news.
So, my suggestion would be to reword that to something like:
'Whatever happened, without confirmation for the worst, there is hope for the best.'
2)quote:
We hope that by next morning, we would have enough evidence to bring this terrible murderer to light and deal the required punishment.”
This might be just me, lol, but I read this like the murderer was awfully inept, doing 'his job' terribly. =P A suggestion: 'terrifying murderer' or 'monster'
3)quote:
In the normal case, yearning for vengeance for the death of a comrade is thoroughly within the norm of a normal human being. However, in this case, neither was the mission at hand an average, earthly one, nor was Zaelro a normal man.
Too many 'normals' here, imo. You could, for example, change the first one to 'As a rule' and the last one to 'regular' or ', nor was Zaelro within the standards'
Scene 2
4)quote:
“Hi,” Zaelro tossed his backpack on the table, calling out to the girl in the table above,
There's some repetition here, but I'm even more confused by the 'table above' as it sounds like her table is somewhere near the ceiling. Eventhough it were a sort of auditorium, a more of a lecture room with rising floor than a flat-floored regular school-class, I'd still use something like the 'to the girl seated behind him'.
Maybe this is again my lack of knowledge about some English ways of expression...
5)quote:
He should be absent from school for, like, half a week or so. But he is /definitely/ alive and kicking.”
A coding error? Should those slashes be Italics tags?
6)quote:
, “She is both our school’s pride and the wink of every one in school who is not female.”
This is speech, a guy talking to a guy. So, I feel like this is underlining too much. Yes, it's just my opinion, but I'd leave that bolded part out of it.
7)quote:
Zaelro was thoroughly startled by this movement.
Imo, that word gives the impression of movements of a far greater amplitude than those of a vibrating cellphone. HEnce, it would really draw the attention of Zaelro's classmates. More than you've described, actually.
8)quote:
”So much for school today…” Zaelro thought helplessly.
This is pure nitpicking, I admit =P, but that word doesn't sit too well, imho, shortly after reminding the readers of his commander status and after he has given orders, etc. How about: '”So much for school today…” Zaelro thought, resigning.'
Scene 3
9)quote:
As he went on chanting the password, the vanishing accelerated, and in due time, Zaelro could no longer feel a thing in hiss body.
Just a typo.
10)quote:
Zaelro Fastoff’s first impression was a magnificent one. Before Zaelro now stood a majestic, stone-built castle, no less than a hundred feet in height.
Imo, there's no need to repeat his name this soon, How about replacing the second with 'him'?
11)quote:
It was quite some time before Zaelro could straighten himself up from the profound awe, draw his sword and advanced straight towards the interior of the Headquarters of the 25th Valhallan regiment.
The tense of the last verb doesn't seem to add up... 'advance'?
12)quote:
She cannot bring herself to the fact that in everyday’s battle, people falls down like sheaves of wheat during harvest time, and so whenever her relative dies, it would strike her as a complete tragedy.
Just a typo: 'fall'
13)quote:
“What kind of justice is that when you would seek to squander the lives of your soldiers on a personal vendetta when we have the fate of not one nation, not one continent, not one world, but TWO world at stake?”
You seem to miss the plural 's' from that one.
14)quote:
“Is it fair for your soldier whose life may be loss in this meaningless run of vengeance?
Another typo: 'lost'?
15)quote:
“I have no reason to lie, General Peshkov. Even if that weren’t the truth, I believe Oredin Kaledon has already presented you will all the reasoning why this is not the time for you to carry out such radical actions,”
I suspect that should either be 'with' or completely removed.
16)spoiler:
“As of now, I haven’t fully believed that Takashi Minamoto has truly killed Sergeant Vassiliyevich.
This feel a bit cumbersome way to say it, imho. I'd go with a simpler version, especially because it's speech:
'I am not convinced'
Your call, of course!
Chapter 8
Scene 1
1)quote:
and within minutes, the army readying to depart into bloodshed just a while ago had been dismissed, and once again the courtyard was relieved of the commotion that wasn’t.
From the opening paragraph.
Was relieved that wasn't? Either there something missing here, I'm missing something, or those last two words need to be removed.
2)quote:
“Sire, please forgive me, but it seems that you still haven’t believed in the fact that
Imo, one does not believe in a fact. So, I suspect this should be 'believe the fact' without the preposition. However, as with the previous chapter, point 16), I would actually also rephrase this part of the sentence to a simple form: 'but it seem that you still don't believe the fact that..' because it's speech.
Scene 2
3)quote:
“Did I tell you that Mr. Hitoshi was, is, and shall be head-over-heel with Mina in the foreseeable future?”
I suspect this is a sorta rigid expression that's always in plural (since most humans have two legs =P): 'head-over-heels'
Just a typo?
4)quote:
“And for today, it seems that Mina-senpai got a free period, so she came down for a walk in the schoolyard,
While this might be technically correct, I'd write that 'sempai' because it's kinda commonly written with an 'm' and gives a better idea of the pronunciation as well.
Scene 3
5)quote:
As far as the unlikely commander was concerned, the condition of the neighborhood was working against his cause very much.
To me, this comes off too informal when set against the tone of the rest of the sentence with words like 'commander' and 'working against his cause'. Might I suggest some rephrasing? Eg:
'As far as the unlikely commander was concerned, the condition of the neighborhood worked for his disadvantage.'
6)quote:
The second speaker was quick to show herself, and before long, before Zaelro hovered a female being in silver armor, with one pair of fluffy, feather wing fully stretched behind her shoulder.
An s missing there: 'one pair of wings'
7)quote:
“It’s valkyrie, Mr. Fastoff,” the winged being’s voice made it extremely had to say whether she was serious or joking. However, the latter is heavily implied, as the being slightly smiled as she finished her last word.
Two typos? 'hard' and 'was'?
8)quote:
And here it is, in the middle of the room for your convenience.”
This sentence was fun! A horse in the middle of a room --- for convenience! Seriously! A good one! *loves it*
Chapter 9
Scene 1
1)quote:
As Zaelro promptly, and with a clearly obvious degree of feverish haste, changed into his smart, outdoor-appropriate outfit of belted and buckled brown khakis trousers and striped shirt whose long sleeve was smartly rolled up to elbow length,
Just some typos. I think the first one should be either 'khaki-trousers' or 'khakis' and the second one 'long sleeves' in plural.
2)quote:
“The pure golden mane it has dictates that the power of light within its even is even more powerful than its brothers and sisters.
Some leftovers from editing?
3)quote:
“Firstly, it could channel its own magic in unison with that of whosoever rides it, resulting in the manifestation of a golden blade of pure elemental light, which could be used as a devastating weapon for the magically adept.
Might be a mere matter of opinion, but I feel like 'can' would be a better form in here if the horse really can do this as a rule.
Scene 2
4)quote:
Yet, it wasn’t exactly due to his being a coward being frightened just by the average winter sky.
Another matter of opinion, but this is a tad hard to read, ie. a cumbersome structure with that repeating 'being'.
My suggestion would be: 'Yet, it wasn't exactly as if he were frightened by a mere winter sky,'
although you'll probably rephrase it better yourself, if you choose to change that, as my suggestion is still somewhat cumbersome =P
5)quote:
Yet, to the proud Britons, to admit fear wasn’t quite an option to his ego.
First, there's a typo: the 'Briton' should be in singular. Secondly, imo, since you have 'to the proud Briton' in the beginning of the sentence, that 'to his ego' had a tad repetitie sound to it. I suggest you'd cut those last three words out. Your call, though.
6)quote:
“Sire, there is little evidence that vampires would appear right out of the blues”
I suspect that should be in singular. In plural it has the ring of soulful music to it...
Chapter 10
Scene 1
1)quote:
The cold, dreary streets of Sankaku was deathly haunting and depressing,
You are referring to streets in plural, so I think that should be 'were'
2)quote:
In one of the wide and spacious pavements devoid of any normal pedestrian,
In my opinion, that would sound better in plural, I dunno if it's necessary though...
3)quote:
With nothing else known, it could only be said that she was either an angel or a beautiful demoness, but slightly slanting towards the latter.
Hmm. Imo, this choice of words, although inventive, gives a slight comical ring to the whole description. So, I like it but at the same time, I'm not sure if that fits seamlessly into the overall mood of the description.
4)quote:
The whizzing sound of the sharp blades was distinctive and deadly- normally, a human with no special talent would be impaled the moment he noticed the projectile cutting into the air. But she was different than what she looked like…
After the previous sentence, the latter implies that she looked normal but wasn't. But, actually your whole description of her before the action starts tells me that she does not look normal, that already her mere appearance makes it loud and clear that she is something very special! Therefore, this bolded sentence seems to be in blatant contradiction with everything else. So, I'd suggest that you either delete that one or rephrase it to something that is in line with her unique superficial attributes.
(A tongue-in-the-cheek-suggestion: =P
'But she was far from the standard, hapless human.' )
5)quote:
There, on the top of a steel column of a building under construction on the sideway stood a black-cloaked figure, eying interestingly at the attacked.
This form suggest that the way the figure eyed her was interesting, imo. If you meant that the figure looked at the girl with interest, then I think this might be clearer with 'eying keenly at the attacked.'
6)quote:
The young woman eyed the attacker with a certain degree of contempt, like how a human would look at a worthless insect pestering hiss pantry that needed eradication.
A typo: 'his'
In addition, maybe this is just me, but the word order now suggest that the pantry needed eradication, not the insect.
7)quote:
With the three last words, with lightning fast the princess produced from her trench coat another bundle of throwing dagger, and spread them in the space in front of her,
It seems there might be some editing mishap here. 'With the three last words, the princess produced...'?
Anyways, the 'daggers' should be in plural.
8)quote:
There was a loud scream as the unlucky fall guy of the attacking army was turned into a hedgehog within seconds,
You've lost me here or I lost myself... Either way, please help me out! =P
Scene 2
9)quote:
As the Britons glanced at the victim, his eyes rolled,
A typo: 'Briton' should be in singular?
Chapter 11
1)quote:
The young maiden’s voice rang beside Zaelro’s ears like a nightingale’s tone, soft, yet still sharp, passionate and feeling-conveying, leaving the hypnotized teen dazzled even more.
A mere matter of opinion, but to me, a sharp voice makes very unpleasant impression that is in too big of a contradiction with soft voice. I'd go with less adjectives here: 'soft, passionate and...'
2)quote:
The haste in which the young lady had been in when he stuck hiss arm out to take her on Steedy had resulted in her failing to take off her steel,
Another typo of this type.
3)quote:
Normally, with that much blood loss, a normal human could expect a coma and either an emergency blood transfusion or imminent death, whichever comes first.
The 'normal' gets repeated too much again, imo. I feel like you're putting too much effort in telling us that these events or these people aren't normal by constantly comparing them to the standard, when in fact, you don't have to do that since the events you describe speak for themselves. This goes as well with this quote as in general in the story. So, in this case, I'm sorta suspecting that you could kill the whole sentence...
4)quote:
“Wow, your horse could speak?”
I suspect the right form her is the present tense: 'can'
5)quote:
“You could hear him as well?”
Similarly to previous point: 'can'
6)quote:
Startled, the knight-to-be Britons could only turn his blade to tackle the dagger.
A typo causes this to be in plural when it should be in singular.
7)quote:
Zaelro was far from that status, and as a result, it was no surprise that he was totally fallen by the quick move, being thrown off the horse and landing on the ground flatly on his back.
'flat on his back' would flow better, imho.
8)quote:
Still recovering from the impact and scrawling to get back to upright position, Zaelro’s standing up was market by a dagger right next to his neck.
A typo? 'marked'
9)quote:
As he shut his eyes and mentally braced for impact, however, an unexpected event suddenly happened.
I think that the words 'unexpected happened' already implicitly tell us that the even was sudden. Therefore, I'd edit that 'suddenly' out here.
10)quote:
Rather, the hostage took all his might into his right elbow and delivered an extremely powerful, in ordinary human standard, blow at the creature behind him.
Imo, that's a bit obscure/cumbersome way to describe what happened. 'Rather, the hostage concentrated all his power to deliver an inhumanly powerful blow at the creature with his right elbow.'?
I think you could leave the location info 'behind him' out because that's described just previously.
11)quote:
As she slowly turned back to see what could have probably happened, Zaelro could already guess what had happened.
I'm suggesting yet again some rephrasing to cut down the repetition:
'As she slowly turned to see what could have happened, Zaelro already guessed the answer.'
Chapter 12
Scene 1
1)quote:
Apparently, the escape and the battle that followed had strained his not-yet-battle-hardened more than his limits.
Is there a word missing somewhere in there?
Scene 2
2)quote:
The generals stood up, but their necks still bent, totally convincing Zaelro that his trusted knights have been too harsh on themselves.
Not sure about the tense... 'were too harsh'?
3)quote:
It was high time he find a way to deal with this being treated by a royalty while he had done barely anything noticeable.
Hmm. I think you're meaning to say: 'treated as a royalty', right?
4)quote:
“Well, now that you are seated,” Zaelro began, not after all of them had been fully down, “allow me to ask, who had told you that I was attacked?”
Imo, this is way too cumbersome and unclear. It sounds like Zaelro began after all of his lieutenants had suffered some serious depression, as if this were no longer a simple process of sitting down...
My suggestion for this: 'Zaelro began, but not until all of them had secured a comfortable seat, '
Although that might not have quite the effect you're going after, either.
5)quote:
It was too early and unreliable to jump to the L-word, but Zaelro’s intention, putting it frankly, was far from pure.
So, I'm suspecting that you are referring to 'love' here and not to the other four-letter-L-word =P Since that common idealistic notion of love associates love with pure, there is a certain danger that this sentence is a bit confusing, imo. So, he has romantic ideas? His intentions are 'far from platonic'? 'far from sheer chivalry'? What I'm saying is that 'far from pure' may have a sound to it that says Zaelro's intentions had some selfish, dirty back-agenda rather than he had some 'romantic wishful thoughts'
If I have completely misread what you meant with this, I apologise about this rant.
6)quote:
“Sire,” bowed Oredin, “if you would persist with that option of yours, I would like to inform you that your work in the foreseeable future would be double.
'workload'?
Chapter 13
Scene 1
1)quote:
Even the age-old wisdom that Oredin had won through the ages proved rather useless in that one instance, its owner sitting there, hand propping his chin, thinking rigorously.
Imo, the repetition of 'age' could be easily taken care of with changing the latter to 'centuries'. Your call, really.
2)quote:
“You know, when you see a suffering right before your eyes and could do next to nothing to help ease that agony.”
I suspect 'suffering' is treated as an uncountable noun here and hence I'd remove that article.
3)quote:
A slight chill ran down Zaelro’s spines.
A typo.
Scene 2
4)quote:
Zaelro said as he produced the offending music player, clicked a series of button to mute the sound,
Another typo, this time missing the 's'
Scene 3
5)quote:
The last thing she did for him, as he could remember, was to deliver the steed to the one who needed it the most, which she carried out with perfect discreet.
A typo: 'discretion'
6)quote:
“Well, certainly I didn’t expect you to know about that,” Argeus said, shrugging both his shoulder and his wings.
Since 'his wings' is in plural it would feel natural that 'his shoulders' would be too.
OK, I think those were the typos, suggestions on details etc.
Now that 13 chapters have been laid out, I noticed that I'm hoping to see a bit more about the family Zaelro lives with. Just a couple of more short encounters, etc. It would anchor the story also to the home Zaelro is living in, imo.
I hope you have recovered from receiving the test results!
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