RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (Full Version)

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Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (12/17/2008 1:43:45)

Chapter 20 up! I am proud to announce that I've hit the 100K milestone and is now at 105K!

What you will find in this chapter:

- Argeus' advice corner: Be wary of Japanese ladies, all ye who enters.
- The myth surrounding the Six Prime Treasures are revealed a little. Oh, and as I said, Aurora ~ Golden Set. So, terrific defense.
- HERE GOES NERO CHAOS (Or, his equivalent)! *Plays Everything Into the Darkness (Fire Emblem VII)*

What you will NOT like in this chapter:

- I myself believe that the first scene is too bland, althouth there isn't much to it.
- IF anyone feels that the scenes depicting death later into the chapter is too graphically explicit, tell me and I'll retcon that.




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (12/18/2008 0:35:20)

Chapter 21 up and ready to roll!

What you will find in this chapter:

- Another epic fight scene, this time at macro range. Thusly, Argeus' advice for generals that AMMO IS IMPORTANT!
- The advent of the final major character. She will appear more in the next, but that's it for today.

What you will NOT like in this chapter:

- IF any Tsukihime fan out there realizes that this scene resembles the same scene in the visual novel too much (Not that it should. Shiki Tohno doesn't have an army, and neither does Arcueid Brunestud. Nero Chaos had one, but in this case his equivalent is empty-handed) please tell me. Remember, this has to do with later publication, so any trace of copyright infringement should be eradicated from the root!




Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (12/19/2008 14:27:00)

Well, I'll just add some more comments . You'll find them here when you get the time to do some edits. Thanks for noticing them, though. =P

Chapter 15 time!

Hmm. I got the feeling as if the family Zaelro is staying with consists of mere shadows, because they are presented mainly as eerie voices coming from the kitchen in the night. I actually find myself liking this, because it works in favour of the mood.

Anyways, on to the details... Note that point no 12) has a more general type of comment in it, about some words you might want to check out for their stylistic impact...

1)
quote:

Zaelro was able to sink into a deep and conforming sleep that night, temporarily putting all his commanding business and his agenda into temporary hibernation.

I suggest removing one of these. Imo, removing the first one with the '-ly' ends up to a better flow, but as stated, that's only my opinion. (On the nitpickier side, you could remove them both, since I think hibernation is a temporary state by definition.)

2)
quote:

Finally, an unconscious twitch of the neck succeeded in ending the teen's sleep with an abrupt, sharp and highly traumatic jolt of pain on the backside of his neck.

I think the first part could be changed to 'muscle-twitch' or some other formulation that does not include the word 'neck' as you describe it at the end of the sentence.

3)
quote:

as well as the record-length skid along the road as he fell off Steedy were beginning to take their toll on his rarely exercised physical body.

A 'physical body' sound a bit weird to me, as if you were suggesting that he had an aetheral body as well that was more trained. I suggest removing the bolded word, as it is quite unneeded; the 'body' tells this is about his physique.

4)
quote:

Understandably, never before had he undergone such pain before.

Duplication by an editing mistake, I presume. Easily fixed by removing the latter one.

5)
quote:

Grabbing his blanket, wrapping it around himself and shiver, it then came to the injured teen that the cold air actually helped him a little, dulling his multitude of pains all over his body.

Since you have the verb in the form 'wrapping', I suspect the 'shiver' should also be 'shivering'. I also dare to suggest changing that bolded 'his' to 'the' to cut down on the 'his' in this sentence, and because 'the multitude of pains' sound more natural to me. Another option would be rephrasing to 'dulling the pains that ravaged throughout his body' or keeping the 'his' and editing it way shorter: 'dulling his pains.' Your call!

6)
quote:

Even that task was not fully completed - the medicated bandages were nowhere to be found.

I suspect that should be 'then' or 'Even after that'

7)
quote:

His room didn't have any water to dissolve the painkiller tablet, not even a drop. The next thing Zaelro realized was almost tossing the tablet down the drain in sheer fury, had it not been for his dominant common sense.

Imho, this sentence is a bit confusing. You do tell us later on that the family cut off the water for the night but here it sounds like he had no water-tap in his room yet he had a drain. Which painted a very...odd..picture in my mind. I'd suggest rewording the beginning of the sentence so that it reveals no water came out of the tap.

8)
quote:

However, the immense pain all over his body called for some painkilling drug, and quickly. Fueled by the pain, Zaelro soon found himself putting on a warm coat, slipping into his slippers and walking out of the room, staggering.

The 'pain' gets repeated a tad too frequently here, imo. My suggestion for this would be rewording the middle part to: 'called for some instant alleviation. Fueled...'
If you like, you could also kill the latter instance of 'pain' by: 'Fueled by the cramps, Zaelro...'

9)
quote:

Were a romantic movie to be shot at that night, the natural beauty would be priceless.

I'm not 100% sure about this tense. Should it be: 'would have been'?

10)
quote:

"Alright, grandpa, grandma. I would like to say that I may not... no, probably will not live to see the end of this," the young vampire hunter said finally, after seemingly wrestled with his own conscience, for good reasons.

It seems like something's missing here. 'after having wrestled'? I don't think you really need that 'seemingly', it just mitigates the process for no reason, imho.

11)
quote:

The eavesdropper was promptly answered - by the distinctive sound of a glass object falling on the ground and being splintered in short notice. The sharp, piercing sound of broken glass clattering against the granite ground almost freaked Zaelro off.

This has a tad repetitive feel to it, imho. May I suggest simplifying the first sentence, so that Zaelro's reaction is more responsive to the sound than repetitive description of the event:
'The eavesdropper was promptly answered by the distinctive sound of splintering glass. The piercing noise of the broken object clattering against the granite ground almost freaked Zaelro off.'

12)
quote:

"What... what did you say again, Suuichi?" the grandfather said, half terrified, half furious, and his roaring, yet extremely trembling voice, that sounded as if it could collapse any time now, declared just that.

One thing I noticed while reading this chapter was that you use words like 'almost', 'seemingly', 'extremely' quite a lot. I'm not sure if you really need to make difference between an emotional reaction that has a physical effect and an emotional reaction that almost has a physical effect. Like almost crying due to a shock. It feels like such a mitigation of the emotions; I feel like you'd get a stronger impact on the reader without the exact differentiation of those two. You could go by just saying that 'He was shocked' or 'He was on the verge of tears' without 'he was so shocked that he almost cried - but not quite'.
The same thing applies to this quote: do you really need to make a difference between 'trembling voice' and 'extremely trembling voice'? Because, it his voice is trembling, it already tells the reader that he's going through extreme emotions. Adding the word here feels a bit like overdefining, imho. Therefore, I suggest removing that word and checking also other spots where you have made such differentiations: do you really need to make it? And when you do, could you do it with a different verb rather than adding these 'finetuning', but nonetheless, extra words.

13)
quote:

"You have always respected my choice in life, and I hope you will my choice in death,"

A verb missing between these two words?

14)
quote:

Silent sobs in the background told Zaelro that the unfortunate, heartbroken old woman must have broken down at last.

This sounds a bit repetitive, imo. Suggestions for editing it out:
'...that the unfortunate, old woman must have broken down at last.'
or
'...that the heart of the unfortunate woman finally broke down.'
or some better solution you'll surely come up with when you edit this =)

15)
quote:

It was not before a couple more minutes had passed with plenty of sighs and sobs that Zaelro could hear the grandfather's voice, thoroughly distorted by a mental shock not for his age.

I suspect something's missing there... 'mental shock not healthy for a man of his age.'?

16)
quote:

They didn't approve of my ideals in the first place, yet I know that they are the ones who love me with all their heart, and I cannot be less grateful.

Although this isn't exactly wrong, it does have that 'I couldn't be less grateful'-mistake chance in it, imho. Might be just me... =P A suggestion anyways:
'I couldn't be more grateful'

17)
quote:

the grandfather appeared to have finally reached his mental limit, and his furious explosion almost knocked the eavesdropped backward literally.

See point 12)

18)
quote:

if anything, the last thing the vampire hunter said could have driven Zaelro himself to tears had he been a girl. But he wasn't.

Prepare for a /very/ opinionated comment =P
If this were in speech, I wouldn't say anything, but since it's in regular narration...Not all girls are that sensitive, and somehow I think the female vampire that attacked Mina would also disagree here =P So, maybe 'had he been a more sensitive type of a guy' would give it a more generally applicable feel?

19)
quote:

Standing up from the doorway, Zaelro walked back along the cobbled path. His injuries still hurt, but the instance that he had just caught was now occupying so much of his sentient mind that he no longer paid much attention to his own physical pain. And those bruises had a precise rule - the more they were ignored, the less they hurt. In due time, the entire attention of the teenager switched completely, just as the sun was rising in the horizon, and the first rays of daybreak shone upon the still dark earth like an enlightening litany.

"I can't believe I will have to fight to defend this beauty one day..." Zaelro pondered as he gazed at the slowly emerging golden disk. He's got to do something... but not with the pain and discomfort he was experiencing.

This was a bit confusing me as you just told that he ceased to pay attention to the injuries? So, I'd suggest either removing the bold part or just the words 'pain and' leaving only 'but not with the discomfort he was...' to make it less confusing

20)
quote:

He had an important task to carry out in another half an hour, and there was absolutely no way he could miss it out, for all what at stake.

Not 100% sure, but shouldn't this be 'for all that was at stake'?

21)
quote:

the teen felt an even more binding responsibility to make sure that mornings as that were not going to be the last…

I got what you mean by this by the second time I read it. I may be just slow =P or the wording may be a bit cumbersome. A suggestion:
'to make sure that there would still be mornings like this in the future...'

***
That time limit you've got has deprived you from some of the double-checking of sentences before posting hasn't it? I caught a bit more of those sentences where there's repetition that seem to be caused by rephrasing the sentence in the midst of writing, which leads to a some words being written both in the beginning and in the end of the sentence. This gives the story a bit unfinished look, especially when it clusters to the beginning paragraphs of the chapters. Since you're in such a hurry to finish this, I think you might want to prioritise editing the prologue, chapter no 1 and the opening paragraphs of other chapters if you don't have time to do a full edit before possibly presenting/putting this story forward? Small typos in the middle of a chapter do not stand out as clearly as mixed-up sentence structures in chapter-openings, imo, if you need to quickly give it a more polished look.
Just a thought... Do tell if I'm crossing the line here by spoonfeeding some random advice you have no use for...=P





Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (1/1/2009 10:58:33)

Happy New Year, Argeus!

(Although it might already be getting old...=P)

This post shall include comments on chapters 16 and 17.

Still entertaining, yes, indeed. I couldn't but help laughing at the thought of having an African elephant parked on a school yard =P. The addition views you added on Sankaku are a welcome plus, as there's always the danger of the background to vanish completely and the story to get fixed on the battles and plot twists.

Reading these two chapters made me note one thing. I mentioned earlier that you might be stressing too much how certain characters and events are far from normal. Another thing, that I found a little repetitive as a means of narration would be the portraying of Zaelro's amazement. Especially in these two chapters, where we have him dropping his jaw at the Minamoto palace and at the cavalry training. Imo, it's somewhat taken into extremes there, and further underlining the thing by telling it many times in each scene makes it lose its effect. I personally feel that he has seen so many things now as a demigod, that he should start to be less awed by novelties by now. Then you could spare portraying the extreme shock to highlighting some of the scenes. But if you highlight everything, then they are not really highlights anymore, but became the norm. Am I making any sense?


To the list of typos, details, suggestions, etc.

Chapter 16

Scene 1
1)
quote:

To spite the noisy courtyard pretty filled to the brim with groups of students gathering around cracking jokes as he saw when he first entered the place, upon his arrival that day, Zaelro realized that the entire school was pretty much as empty as the streets around it.

The 'pretty much' structure is a very informal way of describing, imo, and when used not in speech but in the regular narration, one should be careful as to not make the text too informal. Now, I think the latter one it perfectly ok here, because it's sorta tied to what Zaelro thinks, but the first one seems to be just hanging on the loose, and fixing that to 'pretty much filled to brim' would make this extra-repetitive. So, I'd suggest cutting the first one out.

2)
quote:

Though a) he had grown quite used to the near-forsaken state of the streets and just about any major public premises during the weekend, it didn’t help his comfort too much. b) Even though a) the sun was shining c)and it was quite warm, Zaelro still felt rather spooked by the thorough lack of human presence in and out of the place. Had it not been for the rather bright sun c)overhead, he would have expected a morbid and haunting air about not much better than the previous day.

There's something very unfocused in this paragraph, I think. It does describe the current setting a bit further, but due to the repetition of 'the sun' and the word 'though', I feel like it's running in circles, trying to confuse me, and not really leading anywhere. Well, what do I know, maybe you want us readers to be equally confused and bewildered as Zaelro is... Anyways, daring to make some slaughtering suggestions

a) Two consecutive sentences beginning with essentially the same word. You could vary this by rephrasing the first sentence:
'Zaelro had already grown quite used to...., but it didn't help...'
and then replace 'Zaelro' from the second sentence with 'he'

b) My opinion only, but 'to help his comfort' sounds very cumbersome, even a bit odd, because I managed to mix it in my head as if he was trying to get rid of his comfort. Silly me. =P I'm suggesting rewording:
'but it didn't help comfort him.'
or
'but it didn't ease his discomfort.'
And since you just used that informal 'pretty much'-expression in the preceding paragraph, I'd remove that 'too much' from here to prevent it getting too informal.

c) The latter one doesn't really add anything new to this, imo, because you separated the 'shining' and 'warmth' in the first sentence and now refer to the lighting-up-value again. Might I suggest removing the sun from the first one and talk only about 'quite warm weather'?
In addition, since you have 'quite warm' in the previous sentence, I'd remove 'rather', because it makes the latter description too underliningly belittling, imho.

Combining all these points would create this kind of suggestion:
quote:

Zaelro had already grown quite used to the near-forsaken state of the streets and just about any major public premises during the weekend, but it didn’t ease his discomfort. Even though the weather was quite warm and cheerful, Zaelro still felt rather spooked by the thorough lack of human presence in and out of the place. Had it not been for the bright sun overhead, he would have expected a morbid and haunting air about not much better than the previous day.


3)
quote:

Taking a deep breath, the teen’s steps became even more invigorated realizing that his tormenting, pressing pains had fully faded off.

Due to current formulation, this sounds like the teen's step took the breath... A suggestion to clear up the subjects on each side of the comma:
'Taking a deep breath, the teen found that his tormenting, pressing pains had fully faded off, and upon this realization, his steps became even more invigorated. '

4)
quote:

The male figure donned a blue jean and a pitch-black shirt with an overt skull being the most striking feature,

'blue jeans'?

Scene 2
5)
quote:

Discomfort and annoyance soon disappeared, making way for a more positive eagerness, as he cleared off his last yawn and stepped down the bus with the others.

Not sure it this works without the preposition 'from'

6)
quote:

Just half a minute later, the empty courtyard was timely populated by a single figure – a female maid, or so it seems, judging from her standard dress-and-apron uniform and a lovely pink cap to go with.

'seemed'

Scene 3
7)
quote:

Yet the almost as mentioned cost Zaelro and his mates another five minutes, sixteen turns and around six dozen encounters with rare artifacts before they came to a halt, at which point the English had completely lost his sense of direction.

The English means the whole nation, except for the Welsh and the Scotts. And if you combine them all, you get 'the Britons'.
You need either to change this to 'the Briton' or add a noun to it. 'The Englishman', 'The English teen', etc

8)
quote:

Without waiting for an answer on behalf of the awe-silenced English, Nataka opened the door, revealing whatever inside it.

See above

9)
quote:

The air withint he room was strangely stuffy – perhaps whoever staying in disliked, or worse, would be somehow harmed by the cutting wind.

Just a typo: 'within the'

10)
quote:

As they entered the room, Zaelro had a closer angle to examine his new friend

A closer angle? Do you a better angle or a closer view? Imo, 'a closer angle' isn't a very informative choice of words, because it sounds like the width of his angle of view got smaller and even if that would geometrically mean that his focus got better, it's still too much a brain-twister, imo.

11)
quote:

Needless to say, that joke not only didn’t make the English feel less tense, but rather triggered a glance of reconfirmed anxiety at the speech maker.

See point 7)

12)
quote:

“Just what I needed,” Takashi replied, his face thoroughly shone with a bright smile.

A genuine smile of enlightenment appeared upon the asthma patient’s lips, and stayed there.

You are saying the same thing twice here; you could either remove the first one and fuse the last one in with the speech line, or change the latter to reflect emotion only, eg:
From the asthma patient’s cheerful expression Zaelro could see how the immediate prospect of getting out of his sick bed had a truly enlightening effect.

Scene 4
13)
quote:

After all, what could be fun when a host of people are around, blocking up all the possible scenic beauty of a new town, and causing huge amounts of noises enough to cut short even the most enthusiastic of conversations?

Noise is an uncountable noun, so this sounds a bit forced to me. I'd suggest rephrasing/rewording;
'huge amount of noise'
or
'causing more than enough noise to cut short even'

14)
quote:

The whole trip would have been useless if he could not find a chance to, frankly put it, interrogate Takashi Minamoto.

I suspect you need either to cut out the 'it' or add 'to' and rephrase: 'to put it frankly' for this to work.

15)
quote:

“Mmm, go ahead, I’ll see what I can tell you,” nodded Takashi, his smile was still as friendly and childlike as a couple of days ago before it all happened. Zaelro dared not look at those smiles, at least when he was about to pass a certain judgement.

'at that smile', since he can't have two types of smiles on his face at the same time =P

16)
quote:

“Do you know anything about it?” Zaelro asked, stressing each and every word.

If he really stresses out every word, it would take a lot of power away from this, imho. It would feel more natural, that he's stress the words 'you' and 'anything', but if that's not how Zaelro wants to do it, then, you are, of course, free to leave it as it is!

17)
quote:

as if the demon in him had awakened, readying its claw for a kill

A typo? 'claws' If intentional, may I still defend the plural? Or have you defined that the demon has explicitly only one claw? It would sound more dangerous with many claws, imo.

18)
quote:

Just as Zaelro remembered what happened to the unknown girl and Sergeant Vassiliyevich could also happen to him and was about to withdraw himself, what he realized next was the murder suspect lifting his heads to reach his forehead, squeezing his skull with every ounce of strength he could summon, as if attempting to crush the seed of evil tightly embedded inn his cerebral chamber.

two typos: 'hands' and 'in'

19)
quote:

Having lost a lot of his own strength in the process, Takashi bent his neck, panting, in a complete exhaustion.

Imo, this would flow better without the article, or with an even more minimalistic formulation:
'Takashi bent his neck, panting and exhausted.'

20)
quote:

“So you heard of that as well,” sighed Takashi, his voice slowly returning to normal, although the cheerfulness of his speech earlier I the day had been displaced and replaced by an ominous degree of depression. “I thought I could hide this from you…”

'on that'?

21)
quote:

“You would feel more relieved when you have been able to open your heart, a little at a time.”

Totally another matter of preference, but to me, this is way too cumbersome for speech. I'd suggest cutting down the words:
'You would feel more relieved after pouring out your heart, a little at a time.'
'You would feel more relieved, if you could open your heart, a little at a time.'

22)
quote:

Although he knew that whatever unknown trauma Takashi had undergone as a child would not fade away with just words, but he would, now that he know the truth,

I suspect the right tense should be 'knew'

23) Quoteless note.
Regarding to the fact that Zaelro and Takashi have known each other for a relatively short time, I find myself hoping for more reasons why did the young Minamoto open himself so easily to Zaelro. Maybe his urge to get it out from his chest was so huge it was suffocating him, causing him to jump up at the opportunity to get it out, to get some advice? Or maybe he thought that since Zaelro is an exchange student, and therefore, at some point going back to his country, he would be a good choice to tell the story to. Then it would not be someone else of his trustees, who'd stay in the same town for the rest of their lives, reminding him constantly, that that person knows his secret and can spill it out.

Just saying that, imo, it goes a bit too easily now. The feel of being too easy is further enhanced by the fact that Zaelro's tone is actually quite light when he's comforting Takashi. The conviction that 'you were just a weapon' sounds so quick to me, and Takahashi may just believe it too quickly. This could also be further reasoned: Takashi might cling to those words like he were drowning, and not just shifting into slightly depressed smile. And maybe there could be one or two stronger words used to describe Zaelro's feelings of empathy towards Takashi, having to live with something like that on his conscience.

These are, however, just suggestions according to my personal likings and others might disagree.

Having said all this, I want to add, that there's also the chance that after reading so many instances of Zaelro's comical amazement in the same chapter just before the story takes the darker tone, that I didn't quite manage to adjust to the new mood. So that might've made the last parts too light for me, personally.


Chapter 17

Scene 1
1)
quote:

It finally turned out that Zaelro Fastoff did not enjoy a healed body for too long, and by the time he reached bed that day, his entire body was in complete shamble once more from fatigue, overstretched and overworked muscles and an additional sprained ankle.

Imo, repeating the word 'body' may not be the best solution here, as it makes the sentence sound a bit too spoonfeedish to me, so I'll make a little suggestion:
'did not enjoy this blissfully painless state of existence for too long'
Might be too wordy, though =P

2)
quote:

The suit of plate armor that he had to wear himself added on to the cumbersomeness of the trainee.

Lol. Actually I had me brain cramping when I read this, but I ended up liking it, because it's actually a very cumbersome word describing a very cumbersome position to a T. =)

3)
quote:

“What is this made of?” an astonished Zaelro asked,

Since all the previous sentences breathe out the amazement of the teen, a think that state of mind is not introduced here, and therefore, 'the' would be the better article, imo.

4)
quote:

“At this moment, you are not yet qualified to use a cavalry lance, sire,” Sieur de l’Aquitaine said, glancing at a struggling Zaelro,

Essentially the same thing here as above.

5)
quote:

– the steel plate was blown out of its hand and flew backwards in the direction of the cavalry charge a couple of yards before crash landing on the ground like a tiny flying saucer, wile the iron bar, together with what appeared to be the dummy’s severed hand,

a typo: 'while'

Scene 2
6)
quote:

Amidst the white background and nothingness, after a moment looking around and define the location in his mind, it quickly came to the teen in question that he had somehow entered the realms of dreams once more.

'defining'?
I also so feel like that 'in question' is overdefining. Imo, it's pretty clear who we are talking about, and there are no teens around, so I can't really see why that extra definition is in there. It's your call though!

7)
quote:

As he looked, the teen took a few unconscious steps in various directions, and in due time, realized that the walls and ceilings were moving the opposite direction of his footsteps and at exactly the same speed as his own wherever he moved.

Hmm. Now it sounds like there's some other person who has already been introduced as being present in this scene, looking at Zaelro. Maybe a rephrasing?
'Gazing around, the teen took...'

8)
quote:

Zaelro turned back and forth at the realization, trying to see for himself the source of the sound, but it wasn’t until the applause had ended could the teen in question figure that out.

As with point 6), it's yours to call, whether you really need that 'in question' there.

9)
quote:

when the warp finally closed, materializing from it was a winged, heavenly being, with dark brown hair and a smile of implied comradeship, stepping into the white room with the demigod teen.

To me, this sounds like he's stepping into the room with the teen coming with him, not to the room where the teen already is.
So, my suggestion would be to either cut out the 'with the demigod teen'
or to reword:
'stepping into the white room where the demigod awaited.'

10)
quote:

With winds neatly folded and in a rather diplomatic trance, the angelic being stepped towards Zaelro, each steps he took embossing a glowing golden aura of its own on the ground.

Typos, I presume:
'wings' and 'stance'

11)
quote:

“Yeah, I don’t feel too sympathetic to a traitorous fool either,” Zaelro nodded.

Given the context, I believe this should be either directed at that specific traitor:
'the traitorous fool'
or all of them in general:
'traitorous fools'

12) Now, when it comes to the ending of the chapter, which you yourself suspected might need some polishing, I think that it all because the supposed 'cliffhanger' doesn't work as well as it could. The fact that Tsubame is astonished isn't just enough, because the reader doesn't know what the Culinary Club is, nor does it sound very explanative. Therefore, it feels like the chapter is cut short. My quick suggestion would be to move the 'You're /so/ dead' from the beginning of the next chapter to be the ending line of chapter 17, and then the reader would really hurry off, totally curious, to the next chapter. Also this solution most likely needs more polishing, but it would fix the ending a bit by adding some 'info' =P


See you again, and you're welcome! =)




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (1/1/2009 21:42:53)

Happy New Year! I'm finally back after that all-too-long holiday trip. It's time to get things revved up a little - this story should be done in at most two weeks, including edits.

Now, as for your points, Fab, it's time I started noting down important parts to clarify in the expansion pack.

1) Your first remark.

quote:

Reading these two chapters made me note one thing. I mentioned earlier that you might be stressing too much how certain characters and events are far from normal. Another thing, that I found a little repetitive as a means of narration would be the portraying of Zaelro's amazement. Especially in these two chapters, where we have him dropping his jaw at the Minamoto palace and at the cavalry training. Imo, it's somewhat taken into extremes there, and further underlining the thing by telling it many times in each scene makes it lose its effect. I personally feel that he has seen so many things now as a demigod, that he should start to be less awed by novelties by now. Then you could spare portraying the extreme shock to highlighting some of the scenes. But if you highlight everything, then they are not really highlights anymore, but became the norm. Am I making any sense?


My line of thinking regarding this is that, although he had seen a huge deal of supernatural stuffs by then, no more than a week has passed in real time. In either case, it was not the supernatural-ness that amazed him. It was the scale of things. Two of these background points would justify both:

spoiler:

- Fastoff-san grows up in an upper middle class family, almost from a much wealthier background than the vast majority of his peer, to the point that it could have easily spoiled him (luckily he wasn't). Instead, it leaves him with two impressions and attitudes: Love for the finer things in life, as well as huge, astonishing disbelief when he sees any household more lavish than his own.
- Well, when you play an RTS and send hordes of cavaliers to their death without a second thought, never would you have the impression of how hard real-life training would be like. Zaelro had to learn the hard way.


2) Quoteless note.

This is one sound example of the scenario when the reader out-thinks the writer. Honestly all those reasons you have mentioned were perfectly logical, but were not what I intended. Maybe... a little bit of err... Misplaced Fandom would work? *evil laugh*

My reasons for that opening are these: (spoilered - because they will be revealed in much later chapters, maybe even Book 2)

spoiler:

- The Fastoffs have a flair for controlling people. When I say controlling, I mean each and every of them knows and exercise pretty EVERY SINGLE THING in Dale Carnegie's How to win friends and influence people perfectly well. Although this may add on much more to the Mary-Sue gauge, Zaelro's father was a very successful entrepreneur - among the lesser businessmen who built his career from scraps - whose charisma and people-influencing skills had won him millions through the years, while his mother's charisma won her his father. He inherited a majority of those skills, together with his bookwormy nature, he logically entitles himself to a very advanced means to pry information when he wants.
- Naturally, when you commits a crime and another person knows it, but does not tell the cops, there are only two solutions: Either that witness wanted to blackmail a little quid out of you, or genuinely wants to help. And from one's attitude it is easy to distinguish one from the other.


As about the light-heartedness, should I tell you outright that,

spoiler:

Zaelro Fastoff's very personality is a mild counter-parody of Japanese manga character crafting? He does not like drama too much, and his reactions whenever such dramas arise would either be "Let's check it out" or "Alright, time to toss this aside and get going".


In this case, he chooses the second. In the next, he chooses the first.

I'll try to upgrade the mood a little when I come back to this later, but these are my reasons.

Once more, thank you for the enthusiasm, and happy new year again!




Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (1/2/2009 17:25:18)

Hi!

Just to show off my stubborn side =P, I have to clarify further my first remark.

Your notes on Zaelro's continuing amazement are solid, and I shall not argue further on that characterisation side, /but/ from the impact-factor-point-of-view, I still think that there's a risk you are overdescribing it. As I said, highlighting everything puts everything at equal level, and it does take effect from it, in my honest opinion. "Oh, he's amazed. Again. When isn't he?" might the reader think, even when the fact that caused the amazement would be solid. Just because he does it constantly. (it meaning dropping his jaw)

So, I started to wonder if it would work for your story just to reduce the number of times his amazement is mentioned per instance. Eg. the Minamoto castle. He'd see it from outside and think something in low-key like "What? That size just doesn't make sense" (not with these exact words, of course) and only drop his jaw or do something more extravagant when he sees it from the inside as well and realises the extent of the grounds.

And yes, I do realize this is only my opinion, so this is as far as I go yapping about this. =P

And thanks for the clarification of his character and background in the other point. In regard to the light-heartedness, now that you mentioned it, I have kinda picked up something along those lines from his lines and actions in the earlier chapters, so I am now kicking myself for not putting enough weight on those characterisations.

*kicks herself*





Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 23 up - Mega Update!) (1/4/2009 23:45:27)

Chapter 22 and 23 up today, and I expect to get 24 done as well! This marks the 125K milestone, and completion is within reach of this week and the next!

The fight scene, as I note, is a far cry from what I planned in the fanfiction version for a simple reason courtesy of Falerin.

spoiler:

In the Fanfic version, Zaelro's archers totally owned Nero Chaos because they cheated - Viridium-infused longbows against a creature of pure chaos means gamebreaking. He gets owned after only a couple of volleys without even having to resort to using Golden Plate, and had to retreat, getting killed by Arcueid and Shiki in the getaway.

In the Original Fiction version, his archers are simply a beefed up version of the run-of-the-mill Age of Empires English Longbowmen with 50% more ammunition, faster firing rate and a couple of centuries more in terms of experience. The table is turned completely in this case, and even the Aurora couldn't save him from a forced retreat.


What you will find in these chapters:

- Florine's grand debut. Maybe not that GRAND, but she enters the scene from here.
- A couple more twists and turns.
- Prime Treasures in Action.
- Word Count Hoarder. This two, alone, accounts for 16 K.

What you may not like in these chapters:

- This is one of the scenes flagged as being closely similar to Tsukihime, except for the army. Also, notice that (@ r0de0b0y) Florine's flame strike is oddly similar to the Fire Emblem Elfire.




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 24 up - Mega Update!) (1/5/2009 3:30:32)

As I said, chapter 24 up. So this concludes today's megaupdate of a total of 20K words!

What you will find in this chapter:

- A long conversation revealing a lot of the plot.
- Illus Brothers come into the scene. There is no known equivalent for these guys, both in Adventure Quest and Tsukihime.

[sspoiler]Consider them Valencia slashed inot four sub-personalities - having to do with the Blade of Awe. The will also play the role of Adventure Quest Shinigami in later chapters.[/spoiler]

What you may not like in this chapter:

- Too many speeches, too little action.





Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 26 up - Extended Mega Update!) (1/8/2009 1:50:02)

Chapter 25, finally up. I have made teh second page! By now the story is 138K in length, and that's where the main problem comes in - there would be no way I can finish this before the 170 milestone.

What you will find in this chapter:

- Where Taka-chan hid Florine is going to be the major difference from the Tsukihime mainline.

spoiler:

Shows that certainly Takashi Minamoto is more street-smart, more initiative and a whole lot less emo than Shiki Tohno. Maybe not - he will get really emo into the second book and especially the end of the third. But it's gonna be at least a year before those two comes out, don't worry.


- More convo. Hundreds of them, free! Thousands of them, free!

- Finally: My theory of vampirism - COPYRIGHTED! My theory is where I expect to differentiate my work from either Tsukihime and Twilight.

spoiler:

There are three known types of vampires: Black, White and Chaos.

- Black vamps are the novelty. Edward Cullen, Dracula, <insert random non-True Ancestor here>, and much more, be my guest. The ones that drinks blood and all that.

- White vamps are those who belong to the same species as the Black, but does not use blood as a staple diet.

- Chaos vamps shall be discussed in later chapters. They are a twisted specimens of the Blacks, turned into a one-man sadistic army with little to no conscience whatsoever. Think of a Starcraft Marine addicted to Stim Packs - in the novels, not the games.


What you may not like in this chapter:

- Taking care of Shiki Tohno's personality and spice it so that a whole new character is made from the frame, while resembling the old as little as possible (to avoid lawsuits) is hard work. The line is thin, and both extremes are equally unacceptable: Either Takashi becomes a Shiki clone, or acts OOC for someone of his build (-200 - +200 STR, 200 CHA, -200 - +200 DEX, 150 INT, -200 END, 200 LCK). I have been getting the impression that the second extreme is being more visible as the chapters roll in. (As in, he is a tad bit too street-smart for a lung patient's own good)




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 26 up - Extended Mega Update!) (1/9/2009 3:35:03)

Chapter 26, 144 K, and everything needed to make this an awesome chapter!

What you will find in this chapter:

- The funnily tragic instance of a mistaken obituary, brought out.
- We have a Warcraft Goblin at work here, guys.

quote:

"Wooy, I've got things to blow up!"


- As this is going to be rated T in fiction rating, the scenes will thusly fit those criteria in terms of appropriateness. So... should I say that one of the four love interests in this story

spoiler:

- Argeus - Aegina
- Zaelro - Mina
- Takashi - Florine
- Nataka - Tsubame


is very heavily implied in this chapter. Read at your own risk.

What you may not like in this chapter:

- The use of a heavy emotion booster would result in the proportionate risk of OOC.
- Should I make Kombus' appearance more dramatic, or should I not?




Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 26 up - Extended Mega Update!) (1/10/2009 19:25:49)

Hi again!

Comments coming up again, this time for chapter 18!

This was a fun chapter, lol.
Although I would have hoped that you'd shown us why Mina was so certain that she could handle the fight herself. I'm pretty certain you'll do that in later chapters, though, yes?

When reading this, it came to my mind that you seem to sometimes press pause in the beginning of the chapters. Maybe it's an effect than has its roots in the chapters beginning with description. In chapters 17-18, you have the cliffhanger in the end of the previous chapter and then you start the next with (re)description of the scene. I was thinking, that maybe there are times like this that plunging straight into dialogue, etc, from the beginning would actually work better?

My other comments are pretty much typo/detail-focused once again.

Scene 1
1)
quote:

In a split second, the air in a three-meter-radius of Zaelro seemed to have abruptly transmuted, as if some hyperactive catalysts had taken its due effect.

That 'its' make me suspect that 'catalysts' should be in singular.

2)
quote:

“Chances are you would not make it through the day in that club.

Given the context, 'one day' would sound better here, imho.

3)
quote:

Takashi’s voice was as serious as it was light-hearted, and needless to say from that kind of tone Zaelro could hardly understand a thing.

Hmm. A matter of preference, but since what Takahashi says is perfectly understandable, and this points more to stuff like 'reading between the lines' I think that another verb could fit here better. Eg. 'deduce'?

4)
quote:

Simply put, the ladies in this Akari High has interests other than cooking.

Well, it's speech so it doesn't have to have perfect grammar, but I think 'have' would sound equally natural here.

5)
quote:

Consequently, any boy who attempt to take membership in that little group, for as long as Mina-senpai is here,

A typo? 'attempts'

6)
quote:

“You sound as if it is serious,” Zaelro said, shaking his head in an attempt to shrug the notion off his mind.

The word attempt gets repeated here, in the beginning of this chapter, a lot, so just for the sake of little variation, I'd suggest editing this a little:
'Zaelro said, shaking his head as he tried to shrug the notion off his mind.'

7)
quote:

and failed, she would make every lawful and annoying attempt to make sure that any guy who registers would quit after the first day.

Same as above. How about:
'she will shun from no effort to make sure that any guy who registers will quit after the first day. '

8)
quote:

he would give no second thought to entering a fenced up place with a Danger! Do not cross sign painted in bright red block letters.

I'm pretty certain that should be written, when used as an adjective as it is in here, with a hyphen: 'fenced-up'

9)
quote:

And the fancy tales Takashi had painted was as good as a warning sign in red block letter in this case.

'were'?

10)
quote:

”I should ready some more painkiller just in case…”

Maybe it's because the most painkillers I'm familiar with come in tablets that I think this would sound a lot better in plural.


Scene 2
11)
quote:

Even though there was no class after lunchtime, his constantly watching for the two events seemed to have made time pass by in a snail’s pace, and only when lunchtime was over and extra curricular time started did Zaelro breathe a deep breath of relief.

OK, the first point is yet another matter of preference: to me, it just sound more natural and flowing in plural:
'Even though there were no classes after lunchtime'
In the second point, I feel like the adverb is a little out of place. How about:
'his constant watch/vigil'?

12)
quote:

Had he appeared at any point along those timeframe, Zaelro would have had a huge difficulty fending him off while maintaining the secrecy of his mission or his secret identity.

a) Timeframe is in singular, so 'those' should be changed to 'that'
b) It seems I am a fan of the plural form indeed. =P I'd put this in plural as well: 'huge difficulties' Your call!
c) I don't think entering two words so similar is the optimal choice here, as it doesn't really bring any stress effect, imo. My suggestion would be to edit the latter part of the sentence to something like:
'or his true identity.'

13)
quote:

Naturally sliding the door sideway and promptly stepped in, his sport shoes making rather loud noises against the paved ground in the meantime, the English was duly amazed for good reasons.

The structure of this sentence seems to be a bit off, with the verbs starting with '-ing' and then changing. In addition, I found the adverb 'naturally' as if it's out of place, just confusing me more as is the added time frame 'in the meantime'. In the meantime of what? Also, as I think I pointed out in the comments of previous chapters, you need a noun after 'the English' or it's easily misread to encompass the whole nation.

May I suggest editing and simplifying this? One possible suggestion:
'Sliding the door sideways and promptly stepping in, his sport shoes made rather loud noises against the paved ground. As soon as he laid his eyes on the cooking premises, he could do nothing but to be duly amazed.'

14)
quote:

Whoever had designed, or rather, refurbished that room, must have been a master architecture, a well-conceived artist, an arrangement adept, or all of the above.

Since you are referring to a person, I believe this should be 'architect'. Or you need to add the preposition 'in' in there.

15)
quote:

Originally, those must have been prepared to cater to the cooking need of a dozen or so users,

Imo, the fact that we are talking about cooking is more than clear now, so this sounds a bit too redundant. I don't know about you, but I would edit this to 'the needs'.

16)
quote:

If anything, the culprit was the young lady seated at the table at the opposite end of the room from where Zaelro stood.

The 'If anything' seems a bit disconnected here, imo. 'If anything, she was sitting'? To what point exactly do those words refer/add to? How about streamlining:
'The culprit to the mentioned unpopularity was the young lady seated at the table at the opposite end of the room.'

17)
quote:

the lady sat there, seemingly reading attentively.

Hmm. You /seem/ to use that word and its variants a lot in this chapter. I'd suggest that you'd double-check if you really need to use it that often. Here it's extra-distracting, imo, as the sentence is quite long already without it and it puts too words ending with '-ly' close one another, which, imo, is a huge flow disturbance. How about:
'the lady sat there, pretending to read.'

18)
quote:

That was a sign of explicit rudeness in Oriental culture, judging that Zaelro’s approach was noticeably noisy.

Imo, 'considering' would fit here better.

19)
quote:

If Mina Misagi would want to shake any and every guy off her club, that behavior was quite understandable.

Not 100% sure, but 'wanted' would seem a better choice here to me.

20)
quote:

If there was something Zaelro explicitly expressed his dislike when he was back at home,

I suspect you're missing the word 'against' in here.

21)
quote:

As the sound of his footsteps cracked rhythmically following his empowered pace, the English smiled especially triumphantly.

Missing the noun here as well. Or you could just use 'he' Anyways, I don't think there's any need of me pointing these out individually from now on, you can easily find them find the search function if/when you edit.

22)
quote:

Without looking up, the girl in charge took her time to fold the newspaper in half, revealing her face little by little in the same time, and spoke.

Ahh, the English prepositions shall kill me one day... =P Should this be 'at'? Or, you could edit 'in the same time' -> 'in the process'

23)
quote:

Beneath the superficial spiny layer, Zaelro recognized a warm, passionate voice, like the invigorating chirping of spring nightingale, one that had apparently made his day just a few days ago, one that he swore he would never forget although the name of its owner he had failed to get.

I suspect you are missing an article there: 'of a spring nightingale'?

24)
quote:

The resulting meeting of the eyes resulted in the duo each getting an equal share of the suspense and surprise, and simultaneously gave out a gasp of thorough disbelief.

Imo, repeating the word doesn't really add to the scene, so I'm suggesting finding one way or another to cut the repetition. How about:
'The resulting meeting of the eyes led the duo into getting an equal share of the suspense and surprise, and they simultaneously...'

25)
quote:

The beautiful wounded vampire slayer clad in the heavy trench coat smelled of blood and mothball at the same time,

'smelling'?

26)
quote:

As much as she had put up a scornful face, beneath it the English could not miss out the crystal clear eyes whose innocence was somehow tainted with tragic premonition or the repressed smile of a kind nature hidden beyond the purposefully twisted lips to give an impression of disdainful disrespect.

I think this sentence could be chopped up into two or edited to hold less description as it's so long now that it requires rereading to take in all what's said. Or at least that was the case with yours truly, I don't know about others...=P

27)
quote:

Her hesitating eyes and the rapid looks that she threw around at random suggested a visible distrust, and having known how important it is for a person with an important mission at hand to keep his or her secret identities from the public, Zaelro realized that he should acknowledge his share of

a) I think that the first occurence of 'important' could be replaced by equally fitting word: 'crucial'
b) The end of this sentence has been cut off.

28)
quote:

Did the normally alien and unknown element of love entered the life of the English teen?

The tenses don't match. 'Had entered' or 'Did enter'?

29)
quote:

Zaelro now could still make out a pair of vengeful eyes shining threateningly at all who behind the veil of the black hood.

There's something either missing of too much in here. Maybe just remove three words: 'at all who'?

30)
quote:

Even before any logical sentience came back to him, he could see that the appearance of that new figure was anything but good.

a) Imo, 'logical' in unneeded there, it sounds like overdefining this, and taking some impact away.
b) Just a suggestion for more menacing impact: you could change the possibility of 'could see' to a fact that he 'saw' and switch the verb 'was' to a stronger one ->
'he saw that the appearance of that new figure promised anything but good.'

31) Quoteless note: The title of the chapter reveals to the reader who the attacker is and what he's wearing before the cape gets ripped, so some of the suspense is lost there. It's just a minor thing, but if the title was something less spoilery, then the reader could still be guessing, but would get the affirmation only after the said point. Your call!

32)
quote:

and winged longsword of the same material, in the color of the purest of lights. Adorned with multiple references to the knightly lion and the celestial angel, with lion head decorations and an angelic, winged longsword tucked at the side, even going as far as including a set of golden wings whose feathers were golden as well,

I think you need to remove one of these as the 'winged longsword' is now introduced twice. Also, is the last instance of 'wings' referring yet again to the sword?

33)
quote:

From the interior of the plate, Zaelro could somehow sense immense power

Another matter of stylistic preference, but I would remove that 'somehow' as it's just making this sound vague when it shouldn't, imo. He just sensed it, I don't think the readers need to wonder the specifics of that right now, as it's taking away some power of the scene, imo.

34)
quote:

Interfere and your fate would be no better than them

Imo, this would sound more menacing with 'will'.
Also, 'them'? Should it be 'theirs'?

35)
quote:

If anyone at school were able to catch a glimpse of what happened next, Zaelro and his horses could have made headline the next day.

Just a typo: 'horse'
Hmm. Should it be 'made the headlines'?

36)
quote:

”If there is a next life, please let me have a master whose berserk button is not a beautiful girl…” sighed Steedy as Zaelro grabbed the rein forcefully.

'the reins'?

37)
quote:

his horse still panicking at the loss of understanding of what having just happened as well as his rider, the English cavalier was now as clear as could be, defenseless.

'what had just happened'?

38)
quote:

“So… this is getting a little more interesting, doesn’t it?”

I think that the regular way 'is...isn't it' would work the best here.

39)
quote:

Once more leaping on horseback, Zaelro got himself back to battle-ready position, although, as obvious as could be, his bruised shoulder added even more to the odds against him, is if it weren’t biased enough.

A typo: 'as'

40)
quote:

- with the kind of attacks she was carrying out from the beginning, unless something dramatic happens,

'happened'?

41)
quote:

“Let us just see who would slaughter whom,” Zaelro said.

Why would you need to use this form in here? Why not simply 'will'? It's speech, so I think it'll sound better with more determination.

42)
quote:

Had it not been for the fact that school was half-empty at the time of battle, and that most of the students had been dispersed onto other buildings to participate in their own extra-curricular, that kind of noise would undoubtedly attract his schoolmates in droves to the sight.

I'm not sure if this explanation is enough to tell that others won't come to the scene., as the sound of musket-firing can be imagined to carry quite a long distance.

43)
quote:

“Let us see how you fare against this!” Zaelro said, brandishing the weapon, spinning it above his head a few times, letting lightning bolts rain upon his form in a highly intimdating manner, before whistling to Steedy once more, “Steedy, let’s do it again!”

A typo: 'intimidating'

44)
quote:

“Keep in mind that the power of all the Prime Treasures would fade in comparison to the Will of the Gods!”

Should this be in singular as well, as all the other mentions of it are?

45)
quote:

before he could effectively murder even a vampire

'even the first vampire'?
It sounds a bit odd as it is now, imho.


I'm sorry that I have no helpful comments regarding to how the fight was outlined as I'm very far from being an action expert.

I dunno if I'm a romance expert either, but peeking at your spoilers on later chapters, I think I may have something to comment on later....
***

Oh, I almost forgot. Could you make an index of the chapters to the first post in the story thread or in the comments thread? The page of the story thread is quite long, so scrolling down does take a while. An index would help who ever is reading the story to find the chapter they were forced to leave on previously.




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (1/12/2009 3:35:55)

Chapter 27 up! This chapter, as you can see,

spoiler:

is a homage to the popular game Command and Conquer: Generals Zero Hour and the Chinese Dragon Tank.


What you will find in this chapter.

- "It's getting hot in here", "Dragon Tank", "Temperature Stable", "Engulf them in flames!" - well, the quote speaks for me. This chapter has a lot to do with fire. Xan's followers, welcome.
- An innovative way to destroy a tank is mentioned late in the chapter.

What you may not like in this chapter.

- Okay, I admit. Kombus may have been TOO dramatic for his own good.

@ Fabula: Thanks for the weekly comments! And... as for your notes:

spoiler:

You'll see how Mina herself practically owned both Florine and Takashi AND Oredin and Sir Jonathan in Chapter 29 or 30. That chapter would also serve to see how Argeus (both the character and the author [/joke]) owned her in ONE HIT.


On the contrary, Mina is the only good character who will not get stronger throughout the course of the story apart for the... err... power of love? Even Argeus gets stronger, to the end of the SAGA.




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (1/13/2009 3:30:13)

Chapter 28 up. This chapter is mainly an intermission, so there is not much to it. However, there is a large flaw I would like to point out.

This chapter contains a strong Deus Ex Machina, to the point that it may spoil the whole plot. HOwever,

spoiler:

If there is no Deus Ex and Steedy dies, then the rest of the story wouldn't go well (as Steedy was designed to be Zaelro's war steed for the duration of the SAGA!). Also, it would be pointless for Zaelro to begin hating one of the people who would help him the most throughout the rest of the saga.


As for the content, I'll try to shove it in when I have time. But, judging from the timetable...




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (1/14/2009 3:32:43)

Chapter 29 up, and so I say,

quote:

This is the Beginning of the End.


and about where the Seisen and the Tsukihime plot meets again for a grand finale of Book I.

I must really further characterize the Tsukihime-equivalent cast before the story ends. This is expected to be done in C. 30 and 31. If you see any of these missing in these two chapters, please tell me.

spoiler:

- A small note of Takashi's ancestors and how they got that ailment.
- How Takashi managed to control his own demon in Florine's presence.
- Suuichi's Shrine Maiden lineage.
- And, as Fabula said, how Mina could friggin' own everyone except for Argeus, who, in turn, owned her with Sword of the Five Armies.


What you will find in this chapter.

- So Steedy is dead not dead dead NOT DEAD! This is final!

- You'll see what a lucky excellent test-taker Zaelro was...

What you may not like in this chapter.

- Kombus may sound OOC. MAY being the keyword.

- Did anyone realize something fishy in the first scene?




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (1/15/2009 3:39:49)

Chapter 30 is up! 163 K! 5 Chapters to go at most! Finally we can get ready to rest!

What you will find in this chapter:

- Zaelro goes home.
- I purposefully added a lot of comic relief here. For the last chapters are bound to be tense...

What you may not like in this chapter:

- The fact that Zaelro participates in the fray had definitely lessened the characterization of both Takashi and Florine a lot. Any idea?




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (1/16/2009 3:37:30)

Chapter 31 is up. The final battle (for book 1) draws clear. Two of the four notes had been completed. So, to keep myself on track, from this part I'll take note of the next chapters right here:

- Chapter 32: A Grandmother's Wish.
- Chapter 33: The Black and the White.
- Chapter 34: The Emperor's War
- Chapter 35: I want to be a Paladin, too! (Finale)

So the last battle of book 1 will be in C. 32, 33 and 34. Although this is not my primary wish, it does resemble the last battle in Tsukihime manga (We'll fight in the school!" - Argeus). Be prepared that it will be heavily inspired by the battle scenes Korean drama "The Legend of Jumong", as well as many other Chinese historical dramas. So, be ready for full-scale military action!

What you will find in this chapter:

- Diary of a madman Takashi's ancestor, as well as a letter from Princeton.
- A cliffhanger. To fill in Fabula's request on the Takeda (i.e. Zaelro's host) family.

What you may dislike in this chapter:

- Too many documentary, am I right?:




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (1/20/2009 2:46:08)

Chapter 32. Seems that there is no way I can finish this before tomorrow- my B-day. Too bad...

In any case, I will do whatever it takes to make the last chapters the most memorable!

What you will find in this chapter:

- The first major death. No, don't fear for Fastoff-san or his men. I have made a point that no major character will die in Book 1.
- The strategy used in the last chapters is lampshaded in this one.

What you may not like in this chapter:

- Did someone tell me Yoshiko Takeda's reaction si a tad to abrupt?




Crimzon5 -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (1/23/2009 3:26:59)

Chap 2:

quote:

The first problem soon came into sight - his brown hair and his Anglo-Saxon appearance was more than a sticky note "I am a transfer student who came from the country famous for yeomanry, Sherlock Holmes and the Industrial Revolution" pasted on his face.

Ouch... tough luck for him there

quote:

"Ug..." his tablemate raised his head a bit, and spoke as he tried to smile, "Yeah, I'm Takashi. Minamoto Takashi"

As I've see in many subtitles... you lack an h there

quote:

Takashi would have slided off the table

past tense of slide is slid

quote:

"Oh, there he goes again. Better take him to the clinic," The teacher shook his head in disappointment as he looked at a particular student sitting in the above table, "Shion-san?"


"Yes, teacher," the said boy stood up from his seat

Minor error. Those should be periods. If I'm wrong, feel free to tell me why (I've learned a lot from Brynn like this)

quote:

"I don't have anything in mind on THAT for now.

Words of Recar: Emphasis are better done with capitals. But it's your choice. Seeing that you already have 30+ chapters (wow!), changing all those pure uppercase words is gonna be hard.

quote:

Carefully, the Spartan warrior unwrapped the package, layer by layer. The more he removed, the brighter the light grew, and until the last level was finally removed, what appeared inside the cover emerged with such blinding light that Zaelro had to cover his eyes.


I stopped here. I'll resume later. Hve stuff to do like attending a conference






Crimzon5 -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (1/24/2009 0:24:53)

K, edited the posts in my MtAK. Now, let's see where was I? *looks at the above post*

quote:

We are unable to reveal, sire," replied the armored man persistently

You've said 'armored man' already. I would try to avoid repetition.

quote:

"Yes, sire, we are on our way," the armored man stood up, bowed once more to Zaelro, before getting on his horse again.

An adverb prepositional phrase, needs not a comma if it comes after the main clause. ALso, may I suggest rewording:

"Yes, sire, we are on our way." The myrmidon rose, allowing him to bow once more to Zaelro before mounting his horse"

Your call

quote:

"Okay, give me a proof," Zaelro said impatiently, "Once you do I'll take your words for granted. And remember, nothing Harry Potter-ish has happened to me since my birth."

ROFL!!!

Anyways, I'll be curios to see why a Greek Spartan needs aid of a norse demigod




Firefly -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (1/24/2009 15:00:00)

YESYESYES!!!!!!! Whew. Your post in the workshop made me worried that you took this down.

I'm really trying to catch up, even if I haven't told you. I think I'm around a pitiful Chapter 7 or something. I can't remember. I'll have to check again. I swear, next weekend, I'll give this the upmost attention--I'll read it all in a sitting if I have to! I was distracted by Dark Tower and studying for exams--now that one is over and the other will be over by next week, I'll be sure to read this.

Meanwhile, my only "advice" so far is for you to try lowering your sentence length and cutting down some of the unnecessary explanations.




Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (1/25/2009 18:00:25)

Hi again!

Yes, I'm slow, but I'm still reading. And commenting. I hope that you won't abandon this story after you've finished the first posted version... *glances at the WA-thread* This is too good to be abandoned.

Anyways, here are some comments on chapters 19 and 20.

You have written beautiful moments again in there with some of that magical description of yours. These two chapters were a treat to read; I don't know if there was a slight change in the writing style or not, or was it just because of the contents of these chapters, but it seemed that the occasional heaviness of sentences that I have sensed in certain previous chapters, was now gone.

The romance factor's going to get the boost only in the later chapters, right? I think I need to read faster... =P I'm saying this because there is now evidence available on Zaelro's warming feelings, but very little internal dialogue. Since I have not read all you've posted yet, I don't know if you have presented more Zaelro's thoughts on certain delicate flower in the later chapters. I just found that I'd wish for little random thoughts, ya know, some short moments when Zaelro's thoughts wander off... OK, maybe that won't fit the character. What I'm trying to say that if there's going to be a romantic blast, I'd like to see the bread crumbs that mark the path to it, scattered as little notes here and there. But that's just me. Maaaybe I should shut up on my random thoughts and read on... Nah, comments first =P


The list on details, typos, etc...
Chapter 19

1) Nice job with the opening paragraph! I loved the two first sentences, I found them very captivating and beautiful; they really put me into the story's mood as if I never left it. There were only two minor things you might want to check. And these are suggestions only. And my opinions only.
a)
quote:

Yet, the kind of weird things that had happened that day had gone so far off his wildest expectations, to such an extent that he could no longer shrug it off

Imo, this would flow just a tad better if you'd get rid off a few of those small words, especially 'off' as there's two of those in the sentence. My suggestion would be:
'...weird events that took place that day had exceeded his wildest expectations to such an extent...'
(Note that I bent the grammar a bit to rid one of the 'had's)
b)
quote:

For that was exactly what he thought happened to him earlier on.

Another matter of personal preferences, but even at the cost of having to add the word 'had', I'm suggesting removing those two words, as the seem to be underlining the timeline unneccessarily. I think the timeline is very clear already and needs no further explanations:
'For that was exactly what he thought had happened to him.'
As point a), this, too, is totally your call!

2)
quote:

No, he didn’t remember clearly anything happening since he took hold of the majestic Mjollnir and leaped on horseback.

Just in case if you want to avoid repeating 'happening' so often, here's an editing suggestion :
'No, he couldn't remember anything clearly after he had taken hold of the....'

3)
quote:

It was all just like a dream.

Hmm, imho, this would have more impact as 'a broken sentence':
'Like a dream.'
Why? Maybe the only reason for this is because 'it was all...' sounds a tad overused, imo.

4)
quote:

Had he been afraid of blood like many girls he knew was,

I suspect the plural form requires 'was' to be changed to 'were'

5)
quote:

There could be just no other sensible explanation for him, a total greenhorn in terms of battle, to completely crush a menace that had killed, maimed or otherwise injured almost a dozen of the Valhallan Regiment’s professional celestial warriors with ease just now.

As with point 1b), I don't think you need to stress the timeline here either. Furthermore, erasing those last two words will also prevent you from overusing the word 'just'.

6)
quote:

Having no knowledge of or capability to control the destruction in him?

'in him' make it sound like the force were destructing Zaelro, imo, so I'm simply suggesting removing those two words.

7)
quote:

Zaelro’s every muscles numbed as he stretched himself on the warm mattress.

Either the word 'muscle' should be in singular form or there's some other typo running amok here.

8)
quote:

Regardless of what power took over him, the amount of physical activity he took that day was far beyond the acceptance of the body of the teenager he was.

?? I suspect this verb should be 'had' or something more imaginative, as 'inhabited' or something, but 'was' makes it sound as if he was a teenaged corpse, imo.

9)
quote:

The now familiar spherical space filled with the color white signature of the angel Argeus made itself presence before Zaelro’s sentience no sooner than his consciousness in the material world temporarily ceased to function.

'present'? Also, please do double-check the whole sentence; it's bordering the limits of being cumbersome in my opinion. The string of words: 'with the color white signature of the angel Argeus made' might be the part to blame.

10)
quote:

In due time, the gate opened and closed, leaving in range the winged figure of the higher being who now watched over his every steps.

I suspect you need to use the singular form, 'step', with the word 'every'.

12)
quote:

As Argeus stepped towards him, Zaelro’s heart felt as if a weight was lifted from his heart.

An editing accident? I'd suggest either replacing the first bolded part with 'Zaelro felt' /or/ changing the latter part to 'it'.

13)
quote:

And then, without giving the angel a time to let a word in, Zaelro immediately emptied his mental weight on his guardian angel, on how he actually had to resort to using the mystical Mjollnir to defeat Frasden, and what happened to him as a result.

Imo, you don't really need that elaboration as it is clear anyway and you have mentioned the 'angel' already earlier in the same sentence.

14)
quote:

an instance that brought back anxiety to the story teller rather than take it away.

Since 'brought' is in past tense, 'take' should be, too. -> 'took' Or you could insert the word 'managed' in front of it.

15)
quote:

“No, never. I was a perfectly normal schoolboy until just a week ago, mind you, sir!” Zaelro almost yelled in dismay.

Imho, 'almost yelled' isn't, in fact, very descriptive as you have a strong word as 'yelled' paired up with 'almost' that takes all its power away. May I suggest editing this to:
'Zaelro blurted out in dismay.'?

16)
quote:

As much as I am proud that my knowledge of ancient lore is exquisite among my peers, what I know is a tiny portion of the mysteries that encircles my world,

Just a suggestion to fine tune the tone: 'what I know is still a mere glimpse'. It would enhance the tone of voice on how Argeus sees the extent of his knowledge, imo.

17)
quote:

Only the most knowledgeable of Elven Loremasters would know of this sort of secrets, or so it comes to pass

Imho, this would sound more flowing as:
'these sorts of secrets' or
'this sort of secret'
But, that's only according to my own preferences on when to use plural and when singular...=P

18)
quote:

Because of Frasden Laslow’s attack, the Culinary Club meeting room was battered beyond short-term repairs, with all but one tables and chairs smashed into pieces, walls broken and dented in, ground tile smashed and smeared with blood, as well as a whole lot of other irreparable damages that anyone could see just be a gaze.

A typo? 'by'
Check also the 'tables and chairs'-part. 'with all but one, tables and chairs were smashed into pieces,...' ?

19)
quote:

And superheroes comic had taught Zaelro all too well that anything along the lines of police or official investigators could mean nothing but more trouble and the threat of blowing up his cover.

I suspect that should be in plural.

20)
quote:

The immense amount of lame and the loud bang,

Just a typo: 'flames'

21)
quote:

Before his more subtle consciousness could tell him to stop, Zaelro found himself running after her subconsciously.

Imo, that last word is just restating what you told in the beginning of the sentence, so you don't really need it?

22)
quote:

“Are you alright?” asked him, genuine anxiety glared as he gazed at her face.

? 'he asked'?

23)
quote:

Mina replied, and although her voice was rather harsh, the light smile that accompanied it suggests otherwise.

'suggested'?



Chapter 20
1)
quote:

Even now, sitting alongside with friends and in the safety of the classroom

Any particular reason you need the 'and' in there? Because, to me, it would seem quite natural and flowing to go with:
'..sitting alongside with friends in the safety of the classroom..'

2)
quote:

Tsubame shook her head violently in extreme denial

Imo, 'in denial' sounds a bit like Tsubame was refusing to believe something that has happened, when, in fact, I think she's merely expressing her opinion that no excuse exists. Do I make any sense? Anyways, I'd suggest a little edit:
'Tsubame shook her head to make it quite clear that there would be none.'
..or something else along those lines...

3)
quote:

It was not like he ran away from his responsibility, or did not apology, or just shrugged everything off.

Just a typo: 'apologize'

4)
quote:

The notice was far from importance, but it managed to divert the attention of the duo

'important'?

5)
quote:

”I haven’t forgiven you yet” gaze, that somehow sent a chill of sort down his spines.

Just a typo: 'spine'

6)
quote:

As much as his anger has been far from quenched,

Please check this tense. I think it should be 'was'.

7)
quote:

I’d be unable to sleep for a good couple of month myself!

Another typo, I believe: 'months'

8)
quote:

That is not the fate anyone would want, isn’t it?”

Hmm. Not 100% sure, but I think that since you have 'not' in there, you should change the latter part to 'is it'?
I think it's a sort of a convention:
'That is a tiger, isn't it?'
But:
'That isn't a real tiger, is it?'

9)
quote:

The only comforting sight was that there was yet any confirmation that anything absolutely horrible had happened to him, and in cases like this, no news was good news.

I suspect you need to change that to 'no'.

10)
quote:

Or maybe not, in the just case that the missing person was a chronic asthma patient with an almost dysfunctional pair of lungs that would stop working at any time.

Imo, that makes it sound like his lung /will/ stop functioning on their own will, no matter what his friends did... How about 'could'?

11)
quote:

But right then, Zaelro had other things to keep in mind.

You've used the 'in mind' also in the next sentence. Even thought that isn't much of a repetition yet, if you want to edit this, you could do it easily with:
'Zaelro had other things to worry about.'

12)
quote:

There was a brief, two-second moment of utter silence as everyone in the ground floor of the hotel attempted to figure out what had happened. And then, when they finally managed to understand what had happened, the next thing that Zaelro and his comrades could hear was a terrible, grotesque, trembling scream of both unspeakable horror and a gruesome experience, originating from the hotel’s reception lounge just downstairs. No doubt, whatever was happening down the ground floor must have been so out of the ordinary that the people involved were hardly believing it was happening to them.

You've used the verb 'to happen' a lot in these two chapters, and here its gets repeated especially often, imo. I'd suggest some rewording for gaining a little more variety. For example:
'No doubt, whatever was going on down the ground floor must have been so out of the ordinary that the people involved could hardly believe they were wide and awake.'

13)
quote:

His bewildered eyes opened widely even as he lay there dead

I'm pretty certain that the grammar would vote for 'wide' without the '-ly'. =P

14)
quote:

clearly what terrible fate having befallen him must have been so sudden and out of the blues

'out of the blue' goes the saying, I think... Have I told you already earlier that 'out of the blues' sounds to me like it would refer to a type of music?

15)
quote:

Just next to the corpse of the unfortunate receptionist, he saw a faint, shadowy figure with an almost blinding aura of complete darkness encircling his origin, holding another receptionist up into the air by the neck, almost choking him, in an attempt to extract some answers.

Beware of the mitigating effect of the word 'almost'... Might I suggest adding some impact to this by removing the latter instance of 'almost' and by some rewording?
'...holding another receptionist up in the air by the neck, aiming to squeeze out some answers.'

16)
quote:

In just mere seconds, the place had become more like that of a human slaughterhouse than a hotel where people went out and dine.

A typo?
'went out to dine'
or
'went out and dined'?

17)
quote:

And the kind of power he demonstrated was not one a normal human could stand up again.

Just another typo: 'against'

18)
quote:

This was one such time when a full battalion was needed to prevent further loss of life, Zaelro thought.

Not so sure if this works as it is now, imo. How about: 'one of those times' or 'such a time'? Lol, I don't know if those work either...

19)
quote:

Promptly, Zaelro turned back about to run back into the bar to inform his generals of the sudden development.

I don't think you really need those two words.

20)
quote:

the gruesome actions of the merciless killer had given the phalanx enough time to assemble around the stairway,

I think this should be written as 'Phalanx' as well, for consistency.


Coming back for more... As always. =P




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (1/28/2009 2:49:53)

Thanks everyone for the encouragement!

*me snugglez Fab and FF*

Actually, your timely encouragements had helped me a lot on overcoming the shock I got from a letter from a local author regarding Australian publication. This is NOT going to be taken off, by any means, especially when I am so close to completion! It will only be taken off when it is ready for publication!

Oh, and it's been a long time since last update too. Chinese New Year and the stuffs.

Sooo... here goes C. 33! A long one indeed!

What you will find in this chapter:

- Argeus' two-cent on war.
- The beginning of the final battle in Book 1.

What you may not liek in this chapter:

- It is getting too long, the intro, really. Which means that The Emperor's War may take anything from 10 K to 15 K and may have to be split in two instead.

As for the last chapters, this is a spoiler for those who hasn't read all but want to know the ending:

spoiler:

Mina badly owns both Florine and Takashi, and then went on to own Zaelro even when he wore Aurora Set. Seeing that the battle was not getting anywhere, Argeus descended, and, ignoring Aegina's warning about a potential breach of angelic and diplomatic code of conduct, took the Grungedale into his hand, possessed Zaelro, and proceeded to own Mina with Sword of the Five Armies - the ultimate in terms of Hadrian Paladin techniques. bad luck was with Zaelro, however, for immediately after Argeus the Powerhouse had ascended back to his place, the said 500-men-strong Black Vampires army led by the Faceless One arrived at the very location, immediately attacking the fighters battered from fighting one another. In a risky and questionable move, Zaelro ordered his current army to stand ground to protect his downed friends, resulting in the almost annihilation of the outnumbered strike team. However, Sieur de l'Aquitaine and General Peshkov arrived on time with the reinforcement, resulting in a full-scale clash in the schoolyard. in the middle of the battle, Illus Grungedale appeared to Zaelro and told him that he had passed his final Grungedale task, for being the thoughtful, friendship-honoring and kind heart he was. The Grungedale was then assembled at the spot, and with the new Paladinian Cross Zaelro was able to unleash the Devastator Spirit (in Adventure Quest language, Death) against the dreaded Faceless One, defeating him for the last time in the book and the second time in the saga. As the battle closed, a ghastly figure of the Black Emperor appeared, taunting the demigod and challenging him to a Total War: "If you were just a human I'd devour you. If you were just a general I'd honor you. But since you are both, I challenge you to a war, a war we both know you can't win".

In the last chapter, Zaelro and Mina went on a date, only to be disrupted by the appearance of the Elven Loremaster/Foremost Paladin/Chief Necromancer Argeus was talking about earlier on, Ghoulein Suncrown, the Elven Prince of Westeria, who primarily cloaked himself in a cloak of feigned hostility. Zaelro got owned badly once more, and the elf hinted that with the current power he would not do well against any opponent at all. The date ended in a partial failure, as Zaelro left shortly later, looking for the elf for further training, and his closing words were "I want to be a Paladin, too!"


So, it's gonna be hard work for me, even though only two chapters are left.

Oh, and I've decided the name of the books in the trilogy (Yes, I've decided that the saga will be a trilogy)

- Book 1: The Celestial Army.
- Book 2: The Alliance of Black and White. This is where the brunt of the war goes, as well as the solution of many things. This will be out in a year.
- Book 3: Magic and Technology. The war takes to Terran soil, climaxing with a huge naval battle, not to mention the Last Standout. In two or three year this will be done.




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 34 up! 2 chaps to go!) (1/30/2009 3:13:14)

I have finally decided to split C.34 into two, C.34 "Sword of the Five Armies" and 35 "The Emperor's War".

So, read and enjoy!

What you will find in this story.

- The battle I myself have been waiting for ever since I finished watching the endings of Tsukihime. Or, the beginning of it.
- Argeus the Paladin PWNZ0R! [/megalomania]

What you may not like in this chapter:

- Just discovered a horrible error: All over C. 33 and 34 I've got the wrong name for Takashi's sister. If you see any instances of "Shinobu" throughout those chapters, remind me, 'cause her name is supposed to be Hanae.




Firefly -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (1/30/2009 17:39:20)

I read up to Chapter... 16? yesterday. Yeah, I think the end of that is where I stopped. I'll try to do the rest over the weekend and give you some helpful overall feedback since I don't have time for line by line. If I'm not done reading by then, it's due to the art portrait project.

This post is mainly to inform you that I'm reading and to keep track of where I am on here so I don't lose my place, but I do have some advice. Firstly, loved the scene where Takashi goes demon. That made everything much more interesting, when he suddenly just killed the woman. Also, I might've been forgetting some of the earlier stuff because I kept thinking the woman Zaelro cavalry-charge-saves is Flourine as opposed to Mina. So there are two vampire princesses? Or did I forget something? I remember Flourine and didn't remember enough about the mention of Mina by the grandson. Anyhow...

As for criticism, sometimes you drag on sentences so long that I feel like my attention is starting to drift. Granted, it was good enough for me to read half in a single sitting so I'm not saying it's boring, but the excessive words (especially many unneeded adjectives) and long sentences were a bit hard to drill into. For example, in the description of Mina, I think you spent three whole paragraphs. It's best to cut out a lot of the redundant stuff. I think you must've said "she was beautiful" in around five different ways. Best to tell us she's beautiful and then describe her hair/eyes/clothes and then just move on. Heck, leave some of it for later--like, you can describe her clothes later during the battle by saying how the coat billowed behind her as she sprang forward, ect.

I know, this sounds so hypocritical coming from me since I'm extremely guilty of getting carried away by descriptions, but it's sometimes best to distinguish between "how much is too much" for the reader as opposed to the author. Same goes for infodumps. Sometimes, I think you're giving a lot of unneeded information about Zaelro's men, ect. Make sure most of the information you're spewing is essential to the plot.

Yeah, that's all I've got to say so far. I love how you throw in just enough twists to keep it fresh without tugging the reader away from the traditional storytelling familiarity either. Just watch out for saying "too much" A good rule of the thumb is that, after editing, a story usually is reduced by around 20% in length. Just a guideline of how much you might wanna cut... Of course, just my opinion. ;)

Regarding the title of the trilogy books: First book title is just awesome. Celestial is one of my favourite words so points up from me. Second book title is great in how you used black and white instead of the usual light and darkness though I dunno if you can condense that. I don't really like the third book title. It sounds more like a content talk as opposed to a title. I suggest you perhaps focus more on the themes instead of just what it contains. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but "Magic and Technology" doesn't sound very... literary? I dunno.




Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Completed!) (2/6/2009 4:14:29)

Yes, Firefly, you got it right. Two princesses.

1) Mina (End Story Percentage: 40% Ciel (Tsukihime)/ 40% Alucard (Castlevania)/ 20% Marisa (Fire Emblem VIII)) is the Black Emperor's daughter.

spoiler:

Her mother is a Japanese human, effectively making her a dhampir. When she was young, she got her basic martial art training from soem of Reglay's best generals (Fencing from General Gearfried of the Dullahans - you'll see him in Book II, and assassin's art from General Elena - you've got a glimpse of her position in C. 10), and was the first in line to the throne of the Blacks. However, when she turned twelve, her mother died a mysterious death, allegedly at the hands of General Elena, who was (also allegedly. Whether this is true or not, I'll think about it) having an affair with the Emperor. This angered the young girl, who then fled from home. She was picked up by a priest (as you know it, the Bishop), who taught her that it was not right to drink blood, and that humans are neither slaves nor "farm animal" for anyone, as common belief among her kin. It was this very priest who converted her into a leading vampire slayer that she is now.

And so she shares a double hatred for her fater - as the ringleader of the immoral bloodsuckers, like the rest of her colleague, as well as the personal grudge of the one who killed her mother.


2) Florine (End Story Percentage (which deviates a lot from my previous plans): 20% Arcueid Brunestud (Tsukihime)/ 50% Yggdra (Yggdra Union)/ 30% Lilina (Fire Emblem VI)) is the White Knight Lord's daughter.

spoiler:

There is not much mystery around her, except that she hated the Black Emperor's General laglace Entgegen even more than the emperor himself. This is a major spoiler for Book II, but I've hinted enough for you to speculate in the last two chapters.


Sooo... I've finally completed my story! This story now spans over 204 K words, 37 chapters including prologue and epilogue, and 384 pages!

Credit for this story goes to the following:

- TYPE-MOON and Artix Entertainment: For giving rise to this story's inspiration! Special thanks to the staffs of AE for creatign a place for me to share my work!
- My family. At first there were conflicts, but now when they have understand my path, I have understood that they always stand by me, as well as my brain child.
- Fabula: Without her "weekly assessment" I wouldn't have had the encouragement to go on with the work. Many thanks to the Constructive L&Ler!
- Firefly: Your help in terms of publication and media, as well as your constant encouragement is a great contribution indeed!
- Eukara: In terms of encouragement, never can I forget this elder sage of L&L!
- Crimz: Lelouch Vi Brittannia Command: Give due thanks to Crimz for his needed help!
- alexmacf, marvin_the_martian, OmegaBreak, toidiedud, Dragon_Koopa, Crimson Spider, Minicow, lordkaho, smallmbigm and all the OOCers: Without the refreshing laughters I get here I could never have gotten this done!

And most of all, thanks to everyone for reading!

From now on, this thread will be reserved for posting upgrades and patches. This version, today, is known as the 1.00 Beta. Any more updates can be found at a later date.




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