Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Seisen Engi - Comment Thread. (Chapter 20 up!) (1/1/2009 10:58:33)
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Happy New Year, Argeus! (Although it might already be getting old...=P) This post shall include comments on chapters 16 and 17. Still entertaining, yes, indeed. I couldn't but help laughing at the thought of having an African elephant parked on a school yard =P. The addition views you added on Sankaku are a welcome plus, as there's always the danger of the background to vanish completely and the story to get fixed on the battles and plot twists. Reading these two chapters made me note one thing. I mentioned earlier that you might be stressing too much how certain characters and events are far from normal. Another thing, that I found a little repetitive as a means of narration would be the portraying of Zaelro's amazement. Especially in these two chapters, where we have him dropping his jaw at the Minamoto palace and at the cavalry training. Imo, it's somewhat taken into extremes there, and further underlining the thing by telling it many times in each scene makes it lose its effect. I personally feel that he has seen so many things now as a demigod, that he should start to be less awed by novelties by now. Then you could spare portraying the extreme shock to highlighting some of the scenes. But if you highlight everything, then they are not really highlights anymore, but became the norm. Am I making any sense? To the list of typos, details, suggestions, etc. Chapter 16 Scene 1 1)quote:
To spite the noisy courtyard pretty filled to the brim with groups of students gathering around cracking jokes as he saw when he first entered the place, upon his arrival that day, Zaelro realized that the entire school was pretty much as empty as the streets around it. The 'pretty much' structure is a very informal way of describing, imo, and when used not in speech but in the regular narration, one should be careful as to not make the text too informal. Now, I think the latter one it perfectly ok here, because it's sorta tied to what Zaelro thinks, but the first one seems to be just hanging on the loose, and fixing that to 'pretty much filled to brim' would make this extra-repetitive. So, I'd suggest cutting the first one out. 2)quote:
Though a) he had grown quite used to the near-forsaken state of the streets and just about any major public premises during the weekend, it didn’t help his comfort too much. b) Even though a) the sun was shining c)and it was quite warm, Zaelro still felt rather spooked by the thorough lack of human presence in and out of the place. Had it not been for the rather bright sun c)overhead, he would have expected a morbid and haunting air about not much better than the previous day. There's something very unfocused in this paragraph, I think. It does describe the current setting a bit further, but due to the repetition of 'the sun' and the word 'though', I feel like it's running in circles, trying to confuse me, and not really leading anywhere. Well, what do I know, maybe you want us readers to be equally confused and bewildered as Zaelro is... Anyways, daring to make some slaughtering suggestions a) Two consecutive sentences beginning with essentially the same word. You could vary this by rephrasing the first sentence: 'Zaelro had already grown quite used to...., but it didn't help...' and then replace 'Zaelro' from the second sentence with 'he' b) My opinion only, but 'to help his comfort' sounds very cumbersome, even a bit odd, because I managed to mix it in my head as if he was trying to get rid of his comfort. Silly me. =P I'm suggesting rewording: 'but it didn't help comfort him.' or 'but it didn't ease his discomfort.' And since you just used that informal 'pretty much'-expression in the preceding paragraph, I'd remove that 'too much' from here to prevent it getting too informal. c) The latter one doesn't really add anything new to this, imo, because you separated the 'shining' and 'warmth' in the first sentence and now refer to the lighting-up-value again. Might I suggest removing the sun from the first one and talk only about 'quite warm weather'? In addition, since you have 'quite warm' in the previous sentence, I'd remove 'rather', because it makes the latter description too underliningly belittling, imho. Combining all these points would create this kind of suggestion: quote:
Zaelro had already grown quite used to the near-forsaken state of the streets and just about any major public premises during the weekend, but it didn’t ease his discomfort. Even though the weather was quite warm and cheerful, Zaelro still felt rather spooked by the thorough lack of human presence in and out of the place. Had it not been for the bright sun overhead, he would have expected a morbid and haunting air about not much better than the previous day. 3)quote:
Taking a deep breath, the teen’s steps became even more invigorated realizing that his tormenting, pressing pains had fully faded off. Due to current formulation, this sounds like the teen's step took the breath... A suggestion to clear up the subjects on each side of the comma: 'Taking a deep breath, the teen found that his tormenting, pressing pains had fully faded off, and upon this realization, his steps became even more invigorated. ' 4)quote:
The male figure donned a blue jean and a pitch-black shirt with an overt skull being the most striking feature, 'blue jeans'? Scene 2 5)quote:
Discomfort and annoyance soon disappeared, making way for a more positive eagerness, as he cleared off his last yawn and stepped down the bus with the others. Not sure it this works without the preposition 'from' 6)quote:
Just half a minute later, the empty courtyard was timely populated by a single figure – a female maid, or so it seems, judging from her standard dress-and-apron uniform and a lovely pink cap to go with. 'seemed' Scene 3 7)quote:
Yet the almost as mentioned cost Zaelro and his mates another five minutes, sixteen turns and around six dozen encounters with rare artifacts before they came to a halt, at which point the English had completely lost his sense of direction. The English means the whole nation, except for the Welsh and the Scotts. And if you combine them all, you get 'the Britons'. You need either to change this to 'the Briton' or add a noun to it. 'The Englishman', 'The English teen', etc 8)quote:
Without waiting for an answer on behalf of the awe-silenced English, Nataka opened the door, revealing whatever inside it. See above 9)quote:
The air withint he room was strangely stuffy – perhaps whoever staying in disliked, or worse, would be somehow harmed by the cutting wind. Just a typo: 'within the' 10)quote:
As they entered the room, Zaelro had a closer angle to examine his new friend A closer angle? Do you a better angle or a closer view? Imo, 'a closer angle' isn't a very informative choice of words, because it sounds like the width of his angle of view got smaller and even if that would geometrically mean that his focus got better, it's still too much a brain-twister, imo. 11)quote:
Needless to say, that joke not only didn’t make the English feel less tense, but rather triggered a glance of reconfirmed anxiety at the speech maker. See point 7) 12)quote:
“Just what I needed,” Takashi replied, his face thoroughly shone with a bright smile. A genuine smile of enlightenment appeared upon the asthma patient’s lips, and stayed there. You are saying the same thing twice here; you could either remove the first one and fuse the last one in with the speech line, or change the latter to reflect emotion only, eg: From the asthma patient’s cheerful expression Zaelro could see how the immediate prospect of getting out of his sick bed had a truly enlightening effect. Scene 4 13)quote:
After all, what could be fun when a host of people are around, blocking up all the possible scenic beauty of a new town, and causing huge amounts of noises enough to cut short even the most enthusiastic of conversations? Noise is an uncountable noun, so this sounds a bit forced to me. I'd suggest rephrasing/rewording; 'huge amount of noise' or 'causing more than enough noise to cut short even' 14)quote:
The whole trip would have been useless if he could not find a chance to, frankly put it, interrogate Takashi Minamoto. I suspect you need either to cut out the 'it' or add 'to' and rephrase: 'to put it frankly' for this to work. 15)quote:
“Mmm, go ahead, I’ll see what I can tell you,” nodded Takashi, his smile was still as friendly and childlike as a couple of days ago before it all happened. Zaelro dared not look at those smiles, at least when he was about to pass a certain judgement. 'at that smile', since he can't have two types of smiles on his face at the same time =P 16)quote:
“Do you know anything about it?” Zaelro asked, stressing each and every word. If he really stresses out every word, it would take a lot of power away from this, imho. It would feel more natural, that he's stress the words 'you' and 'anything', but if that's not how Zaelro wants to do it, then, you are, of course, free to leave it as it is! 17)quote:
as if the demon in him had awakened, readying its claw for a kill A typo? 'claws' If intentional, may I still defend the plural? Or have you defined that the demon has explicitly only one claw? It would sound more dangerous with many claws, imo. 18)quote:
Just as Zaelro remembered what happened to the unknown girl and Sergeant Vassiliyevich could also happen to him and was about to withdraw himself, what he realized next was the murder suspect lifting his heads to reach his forehead, squeezing his skull with every ounce of strength he could summon, as if attempting to crush the seed of evil tightly embedded inn his cerebral chamber. two typos: 'hands' and 'in' 19)quote:
Having lost a lot of his own strength in the process, Takashi bent his neck, panting, in a complete exhaustion. Imo, this would flow better without the article, or with an even more minimalistic formulation: 'Takashi bent his neck, panting and exhausted.' 20)quote:
“So you heard of that as well,” sighed Takashi, his voice slowly returning to normal, although the cheerfulness of his speech earlier I the day had been displaced and replaced by an ominous degree of depression. “I thought I could hide this from you…” 'on that'? 21)quote:
“You would feel more relieved when you have been able to open your heart, a little at a time.” Totally another matter of preference, but to me, this is way too cumbersome for speech. I'd suggest cutting down the words: 'You would feel more relieved after pouring out your heart, a little at a time.' 'You would feel more relieved, if you could open your heart, a little at a time.' 22)quote:
Although he knew that whatever unknown trauma Takashi had undergone as a child would not fade away with just words, but he would, now that he know the truth, I suspect the right tense should be 'knew' 23) Quoteless note. Regarding to the fact that Zaelro and Takashi have known each other for a relatively short time, I find myself hoping for more reasons why did the young Minamoto open himself so easily to Zaelro. Maybe his urge to get it out from his chest was so huge it was suffocating him, causing him to jump up at the opportunity to get it out, to get some advice? Or maybe he thought that since Zaelro is an exchange student, and therefore, at some point going back to his country, he would be a good choice to tell the story to. Then it would not be someone else of his trustees, who'd stay in the same town for the rest of their lives, reminding him constantly, that that person knows his secret and can spill it out. Just saying that, imo, it goes a bit too easily now. The feel of being too easy is further enhanced by the fact that Zaelro's tone is actually quite light when he's comforting Takashi. The conviction that 'you were just a weapon' sounds so quick to me, and Takahashi may just believe it too quickly. This could also be further reasoned: Takashi might cling to those words like he were drowning, and not just shifting into slightly depressed smile. And maybe there could be one or two stronger words used to describe Zaelro's feelings of empathy towards Takashi, having to live with something like that on his conscience. These are, however, just suggestions according to my personal likings and others might disagree. Having said all this, I want to add, that there's also the chance that after reading so many instances of Zaelro's comical amazement in the same chapter just before the story takes the darker tone, that I didn't quite manage to adjust to the new mood. So that might've made the last parts too light for me, personally. Chapter 17 Scene 1 1)quote:
It finally turned out that Zaelro Fastoff did not enjoy a healed body for too long, and by the time he reached bed that day, his entire body was in complete shamble once more from fatigue, overstretched and overworked muscles and an additional sprained ankle. Imo, repeating the word 'body' may not be the best solution here, as it makes the sentence sound a bit too spoonfeedish to me, so I'll make a little suggestion: 'did not enjoy this blissfully painless state of existence for too long' Might be too wordy, though =P 2)quote:
The suit of plate armor that he had to wear himself added on to the cumbersomeness of the trainee. Lol. Actually I had me brain cramping when I read this, but I ended up liking it, because it's actually a very cumbersome word describing a very cumbersome position to a T. =) 3)quote:
“What is this made of?” an astonished Zaelro asked, Since all the previous sentences breathe out the amazement of the teen, a think that state of mind is not introduced here, and therefore, 'the' would be the better article, imo. 4)quote:
“At this moment, you are not yet qualified to use a cavalry lance, sire,” Sieur de l’Aquitaine said, glancing at a struggling Zaelro, Essentially the same thing here as above. 5)quote:
– the steel plate was blown out of its hand and flew backwards in the direction of the cavalry charge a couple of yards before crash landing on the ground like a tiny flying saucer, wile the iron bar, together with what appeared to be the dummy’s severed hand, a typo: 'while' Scene 2 6)quote:
Amidst the white background and nothingness, after a moment looking around and define the location in his mind, it quickly came to the teen in question that he had somehow entered the realms of dreams once more. 'defining'? I also so feel like that 'in question' is overdefining. Imo, it's pretty clear who we are talking about, and there are no teens around, so I can't really see why that extra definition is in there. It's your call though! 7)quote:
As he looked, the teen took a few unconscious steps in various directions, and in due time, realized that the walls and ceilings were moving the opposite direction of his footsteps and at exactly the same speed as his own wherever he moved. Hmm. Now it sounds like there's some other person who has already been introduced as being present in this scene, looking at Zaelro. Maybe a rephrasing? 'Gazing around, the teen took...' 8)quote:
Zaelro turned back and forth at the realization, trying to see for himself the source of the sound, but it wasn’t until the applause had ended could the teen in question figure that out. As with point 6), it's yours to call, whether you really need that 'in question' there. 9)quote:
when the warp finally closed, materializing from it was a winged, heavenly being, with dark brown hair and a smile of implied comradeship, stepping into the white room with the demigod teen. To me, this sounds like he's stepping into the room with the teen coming with him, not to the room where the teen already is. So, my suggestion would be to either cut out the 'with the demigod teen' or to reword: 'stepping into the white room where the demigod awaited.' 10)quote:
With winds neatly folded and in a rather diplomatic trance, the angelic being stepped towards Zaelro, each steps he took embossing a glowing golden aura of its own on the ground. Typos, I presume: 'wings' and 'stance' 11)quote:
“Yeah, I don’t feel too sympathetic to a traitorous fool either,” Zaelro nodded. Given the context, I believe this should be either directed at that specific traitor: 'the traitorous fool' or all of them in general: 'traitorous fools' 12) Now, when it comes to the ending of the chapter, which you yourself suspected might need some polishing, I think that it all because the supposed 'cliffhanger' doesn't work as well as it could. The fact that Tsubame is astonished isn't just enough, because the reader doesn't know what the Culinary Club is, nor does it sound very explanative. Therefore, it feels like the chapter is cut short. My quick suggestion would be to move the 'You're /so/ dead' from the beginning of the next chapter to be the ending line of chapter 17, and then the reader would really hurry off, totally curious, to the next chapter. Also this solution most likely needs more polishing, but it would fix the ending a bit by adding some 'info' =P See you again, and you're welcome! =)
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