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Baker -> RE: The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments (7/15/2009 14:32:43)
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/me pokes in to bug the Moogle :o
Prepare to be assaulted by the grammar Nazi (like old times, eh? :D)! I'm ignoring little things like commas because I figure you don't want to deal with changing that for relaxed writing (although I'd happily go back through and point those out :P), but I have some wordings I think you might want to work on and some other stuff I want to point out that I liked. I've only read Chapter One thus far.
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“I absolutely despise our realm being stuck out here in the backwater region of the omniverse. These random portals plaguing Tipa is going to be the death of us all,” the voice sighed. The voice in question emanated from a typical mysterious figure in a black cloak that hid the figure’s face but for two red eyes that seemed to float from within the hood. What was not as typical of this much used stereotype, was that the figure was currently sitting in front of an advanced computer terminal with arms that were just bones. Couple of things here. I think it should be "these random portals plaguing Tipa are going...", just for agreement purposes (I know they're almost one big problem, but "are" sounds better). I also don't love the structure of the last sentence. The idea and the details are great, but it feels a bit forced right now. Something like, "Curiously, the figure was currently sitting in front of an advanced computer terminal with arms that were just bones" might work better. Let us recognize the stereotype (if it is one!) on our own rather than forcing it on the sentence.
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the figure asked, stroking what was presumably where a chin would be inside his hood. Hehe, I like this. Taking out some words to leave it as "stroking what was presumably a chin inside his food" and be more punchy, I think.
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“Earth, for the love of the Giant Pie in the Sky, the planet is called Earth. EARTH! Only in certain rare variations of the planet is it ever called “Terra”, and I know that you can distinguish between variations. I happen to know that variants 1 million to 65 million of the Sol System are counted under the “Realistic” umbrella by the FCPA, and they address their planet as Earth in the language most commonly accepted, if there was a “universal language” for the species,” the figure ranted, throwing his arms wildly and randomly in the air before giving a slight cough and regaining his composure. Hah!
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“Never mind that, I’m going to take your cryptic remark to my earlier comment meant that the Mark of the Death Element was on this mortal. This sentence seems like it got a little crunched through some rewrites. I'd change it to "Never mind that, I'm going to assume that your cryptic response to my earlier comment meant that the Mark of the Death Element was on this mortal...".
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“Minor alterations that would have caused some inconveniance to everyone including himself, sir. I corrected a slight discrepancy in his eyes, corrected his over reactive immune system, and cured a condition I believe is called “Asthma”. Uh, how can I meet this robot? ;)
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The human, 21, with brown hair and eyes, was scrawny, wearing a T-shirt saying “I like pie” on it, with camouflage cargo shorts. XD
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I will explain more in-depth as time progresses, but for the sake of time, let’s say that you have been sucked in from your world into this one because you have been “chosen by the forces of fate” to help bring balance to this planet. Yes, I realize it’s cliché, but it’s the simplest way of explaining things” he explained, waving his arm dismissingly of the human’s speech. Darn those clichés!
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“Of course! Everyone knows that you can’t have a long plot exposition without pie! Or root beer!” :P
See, I let you off easy. I like this a lot, Pie; amusing while also having the potential to be more serious when you decide to. I'll be back sometime to read more (you're moving quickly with this one!).
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