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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: The Reaper's Records: Chronicles of Tipa Comments II (11/23/2009 17:35:02)
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Hiyas!
I'm reading your story far behind the others, very slowly. I just thought I'd drop by and post some comments now that I've read prologue through chapter 4.
I still enjoy the humour in this sotry. You've had me chuckling quite a few times already. I love the Grim character, yet I'm still a little bit waiting for more info on Necro. Now, what I started to think when reading these chapters that there is yet to come the first scene outside the headquarters where Grim trains Necro. I'm not saying this to indicate that the conversation between Grim, EVA and Necro would be boring or anything like that, quite the contrary. Yet I still wonder how this would play out if all the training would be interlaced with a scene or a teaser on what awaits outside. Of course, it's totally up to you to decide wat you include to your story and how you adjust the pacing.
On a technical side, I noticed that you have the typo-curse of typing 'than' as 'then' when you are comparing things. Chapter 4 especially has quite a few of these. I'd suggest hitting ctrl-F and find all incarnations of 'then' and check if they should be 'than' instead.
Another grammar issue would be commas. Occasionally, you miss a comma at the end of a quote or have a full stop instead of a comma when the sentence hasn't ended yet. Also, sometimes I spotted the comma to be missing when addressing people. For example here, in the beginning of chapter 2:
quote:
“Greetings Necro, I trust you found the accommodations to your liking?” he asked, his skull still visible, trying to look as friendly as a skull could.
there should actually be a comma on both sides of the proper name as it is used in addressing Necro.
Just pointing these out because they might be something you'd want to keep your eyes open for when editing.
Continuing on the technical side:
quote:
"So I'm the personification of evil in this world then, is that it?" asked Necro, a look of contempt on his face.
"To some, yes you are. However, let me make this perfectly clear: no element is evil or good. No element is right while the opposite is wrong. ALL the elements are necessary in Tipa to keep balance. What is life without dying? Let me tell you, eternal life is not all it's cracked up to be. I've lived for a 1000 years as a Reaper, and there are times when I just want to leave this realm and move on to the Afterlife, but it's not my time."
"You are what you choose to be. True, the Death element will evoke certain feelings and ideas that you would never even dream of normally, such as burning down an entire village cause someone made you mad. But, you are the one who controls what you do. The mantle of the Reaper of Death is the heaviest of all of them, in my opinion."
"So does this mean I have control of who lives and who dies? And do I have to go around and kill everyone whose time it is?"
"Certainly not! You will only be dispatched to kill someone because it is their "time" on very rare occasions by the Death Element. No, the whole dying process is a very refined one that is really automatic and is handled by the Death Elemental Sphere. It decides who goes to the afterlife and who goes to the netherworld and such. For now, let's focus on your abilities in this world. We'll refine your other worldly abilities like communicating with spirits and whatnot later."
“Wait… so does this mean I’m going to be depressed and angry and stuff?” Necro asked, still wary of the situation.
In spots like this where you have omitted the notes on who is saying what, I'd recommend not closing the consecutive quotes that are said by the same character. This is a small, nitpickerish detail, I admit, but since you closed the second quote here, I automatically started reading the next quote as if Necro said it and not Grim, which is, of course, a false conclusion here.
I'd recommend using the common convention of leaving the quotation mark out of the end of the paragraph (in bold above) if the next paragraph is spoken by the same person (the quotation mark in the beginning of the paragraph stays there).
That's all I have for now. :)
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