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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: [Quest] The Demon Realm - Feedback (9/24/2010 15:00:09)
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Hiya!
Just a short comment. =) I like what I read so far. The dialogue seems very fitting for quests, it is descriptive enough to carry the story forward with the tidbits of info in the beginning of the sceme, and it has a nice balance between the silly stuff and more serious themes.
Of course, having to fit the dialogue into the speech bubbles in quests presents its limitations. So, there were a couple of spots where I - for personal likings - would have wished for a more descriptive language and imagery, but due to the limitations, I think it's better left as it is istead of cramming the bubbles with adjectives.
The fact that the player must click through the speechbubbles in the quests most likely sets another limitation: the number of quotes/bubbles you can put in before there should be a fight/cutscene. I'm not sure if this was the reason why there sometimes were sentences in one single quote that weren't, in my opinion, compatible with each other. It felt as if there should have been a pause before the same character goes on with saying the next sentence in the same quote. For example:
quote:
Stragath: You! You're a demon lord! I'm Stragath, the ruler of Heck, it's nice to meet you. Now, I was thinking we could go and discuss taking over Lore together somewhere... Wanna grab something to eat?
To me, the beginning exclamations here seem to be at odds with the rest of the sentence. It changes so abruptly from surprise and booming-voice-kind-of-mood to nice and cozy introductions. What I'd suggest doing here would be to either indicate a pause between the first part and the rest of the quote (a), or, to edit the beginning to something more in concert with the rest of the quote (b).
For example:
(a)
Stragath: You! You're a demon lord!
Stragath: ...
Stragath: I'm Stragath, the ruler of Heck, it's nice to meet you. Now, I was thinking we could go and discuss taking over Lore together somewhere... Wanna grab something to eat?
(b)
Stragath:It's nice to meet you, demon lord! I'm Stragath, the ruler of Heck. Now, I was thinking we could go and discuss taking over Lore together somewhere... Wanna grab something to eat?
Another similar spot was here:
quote:
Nax: That's right. Wow, I didn't realise it could be compressed into such a short explanation.
It might be just me, but it feels a tad odd for have Nax to first calmly say the other one is correct and then in the same breath make him go 'Wow!' Also, imo, it's a bit redundant to have him say, "that's right," as it is rather obvious from the rest of his line that the hero succeeded to grab the gist of what he had said. So, I'd suggest cutting off the first short sentence altogether.
Anyways, these were just a couple of details and my suggestions are based purely on my personal view. One of my personal likings is that I do not want much repetition in the stories (eg, while reading Trilogies or series of books, I really really do not like the little recaps some authors give to explain what happened in the previous book -- very much only my personal preference) , while I understand that others might prefer to have a bunch of it to keep things clear. Thus, my suggestions are just suggestions and I hope they give you a different view on your dialogue, that you can use however you choose to.
Good luck with the quest and have fun writing! =)
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