RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (Full Version)

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Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/6/2013 12:15:24)

Yes, a Wyrm or a full grown Dragon. I'd say think of this Wind Dragon as not quite titan sized, but pretty close.

And, made the corrections, except for the latter on the first suggestion, as it's already correct(a scarf being wrapped on the inside of is also correct, but either works, IIRC). As for the third one, I must've forgotten to finish that sentence, so I changed it to:
quote:

Before the effigies lie two temple tanks of water, for all to enjoy, no matter their race or social status.


Aside from that, your feelings on the flow/style of the fight scene? The way that I describe the Ancient SandSea?



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/6/2013 12:55:20)

The ending of the fight with the dragon felt a bit strange to me, but I thought the Sandsea was described very well.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/6/2013 13:06:45)

The ending of the fight, you say?(To be honest, I hadn't initially planned on doing that, in fact, I didn't have any original idea on how to kill the dragon) Well, could you specify where, and how you might've worded it perhaps? My apologies if I sound a tad demanding, it's just that...like I said earlier, I'm still rather inexperienced with describing fights.

Oh, and I have asked Falerin for an approximation on when the Fall of Talados happened, why I would ask that? Only time will tell, at least...50/50 that time will tell.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/6/2013 13:14:32)

quote:

Galvin continued staring awestruck, whenever he remembered the cut sinew, as well as the fallen rock slate, which the Dragon broke with its tail earlier. Galvin now felt a resurgence of courage and hope, perhaps the sharp, jagged ends of the shattered slab could kill the Wyrm, which made it convenient that it is one of the obstacles between him and the reptilian leviathan. The winged lizard began sprinting haphazardly, its unusable foot causing it to trip on itself, its body slowly descending and collapsing onto the ground below. Its head falling just a bit past the toothed edges of the slate, meaning that the spikes protruded through the scales protecting its neck.

was

From what I understand, Galvin is an experienced hunter. However, he seems to be relying on luck to let the dragon slay itself before getting to him. Furthermore, I assume that he is no longer awestruck after the resurgence of courage and hope yet he just stands there.

On Talados, if I were to make a calculated guess on the information given I would estimate it to be between 30 and 15 years prior to the start of AQ.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/6/2013 13:28:51)

While true that Galvin IS an experienced hunter, we're talking a titan dragon here. His sources probably gave him inaccurate information, making him presume that it was a younger dragon(Hence why he came in with so little preparation, if he knew it was a Titan Dragon, then he would've brought an innumerable amount of others and much, much more Dragonbane). Though, the reason that he kept standing there was because he figured out that either the head or the neck would land on the jagged edge of the fallen rock wall whenever it would have to trip itself. I edited the paragraph nonetheless, so is the current one better?

As for the initially expected size of the Dragon, I'll edit it in Chapter 3 probably.

To Talados, while your guess may be accurate, I'm trying very hard for this Fanfiction to stick to canon. Which...should be interesting considering some of the places which it may go to later.

Edit: Oh, right, finally got around to fixing Zairos's part and changing the point of view to Omniscient 3rd person.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/8/2013 22:35:48)

Update: The last two segments of Chapter 4 are up. The third segment returns to Razen, and the fourth goes back to the Ancient Sandsea.

And, so Szayan enters the spotlight. Oh, right, as for Bazrir's name, it was originally a reference to a certain character. I removed an 'I' and 'L' and it was initially an anagram, so bonus points if you can figure out who it is in reference to.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/9/2013 8:07:48)

quote:

As it continued to uproot itself, its chest became easily visible, and on its back were vines wrapped around the first protrude close to its neck, all the way to where the tail begins.

began

quote:

The creepers were certainly intended to be a makeshift for a saddle to prevent from the scales biting into the flesh of the rider.

the scales from

quote:

The Dragon unable to speak English, instead growled in a seeming pattern, which I presumed was Draconic.

common/human

quote:

The doors had a small magnifying glass

I find it interesting that they would not fear if a sunray would go through the glass and set the inside of their manors on fire.

quote:

"Now, you do have a good day, for you are honored to met with Sek-Duat III, therefore I bid you ado, Szayan, as I am merely the Head of the Gate's Guard. Enjoy your stay at the palace."

have met/meet, ado?

quote:

and now he took his pet by the reins to a nearby stable, which he assumed was the royal ones, considering the elaborate carving and painted wood.

stables, were, ones/stable, was, one

This Szayan is somewhat of a Stranger aligned to the light, isn't he?



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/9/2013 8:37:48)

Fixed the errors, the second one...wow, I must've been really tired when I typed that.

To the magnifying glass, imagine it similar to the entrance to some doors, which around near the top have a small peering glass, which is magnified on one side. That's basically what they have, I would've tried to clarify it better, but I failed to find the correct term for it. I did just a bit ago, somehow, so imagine the glass being more akin to a spyhole. As for the ado, that was a typo, it was supposed to be "I bid you adieu"(My bad on that one). I fixed it nonetheless.

As for Szayan being akin to a Mysterious Stranger aligned to Light, no, no. His offer is what I was referring to by the importance of Sek-Duat being somewhat revealed already though. At least, if you interpreted the line as that he had gotten the spell around the same time which he had given it to the Sandwitch for safekeeping.

I would hope that you found the partial descriptions of the Palace to your liking as well. Although, I just now remembered that I need to add Library into the listing of rooms.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/9/2013 9:02:12)

@Razen: I meant that Szayan, just like the Stranger who hid part of itself in the blade, needed to bind to a physical object to survive.

"1500">"1200" is 300 years or maybe three lives as you interpret it.

Though I feel this point is actually a bit overelaborate in-game.

quote:

Sek-Duat XV: I kept searching for the true key to eternal life and I found it! Around 1200 years ago I gave the spell to the Yaga sisters for safe keeping.
Sek-Duat XV: As we agreed, they sent their outcast sister to life here in the sands with the spell in her care, so that I could keep watch over it.


First, he gives the spell to the Yaga sisters whom he allied himself with to my understanding. Then, they sent their outcast sister to the Sandsea with the scroll. This Yaga is not an ally of SekDuat, so he threatens to expose himself and his plans by doing so.

Sandsea>Doomwood (Safe>Safe)
Doomwood>Sandsea (Safe>Safe)

Also, since like me you are trying to stick to canon.
quote:

ORIGINAL: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=12963753

Sandwitch: That wicked yaga spell raises the dead. The Sandwitch thinks that Sek-Duat XV is obsessed with Sek-Duat the First.

Sandwitch: The Sandwitch does not know all the ingredients in the spell... but she knows the Orb of Light must be used.

This brings up the problem that it is a "yaga spell" and the Prime Elemental Orb is necessary for the spell and Szayan claims he knows not how Sek-Duat got aligned to the light. That would mean the spell is all but useless to the undead emperor or Szayan thinks it is, in which case it would sound like he is trying to trick the undead emperor.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/9/2013 9:17:51)

Oh that, he doesn't do it to survive. More of...he's always in need of sleep. Exerting so much energy takes tolls on him, if one considers that the speed in which he formed himself...was him being lazy and they still couldn't really see what was going on. But I suppose that his "need" for a physical item to reside in...is similar enough to that of the Stranger.

As for the ~1500 years of which he ruled, if one remembers that he is in his 15th reign in DF, then each of the reigns were ~100 years(If we assume that he was about to go to Sek-Duat XVI), though more likely closer to ~110 or ~125(I doubt that he was far into his reign as Sek-Duat XV as you've stated prior). I would presume the latter for this one, since Sek-Duat III was recently seated as Emperor of the Sandsea. Though, I do not recall Szayan ever stating that he didn't know about Sek-Duat's having the Light Orb. Bazrir does not know that which binds Sek-Duat's soul, Szayan likely is apt to feel the Light Orb than Bazrir though. Therefore, one can conclude that this story takes place not quite at but around 1200 years Pre-AQ/DF(I'm giving estimate numbers for simplicity's sake). As for how Szayan would recollect vague memories of a Yaga spell, well, that one will probably be a tad more difficult...but I should be able to think of something.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/9/2013 9:26:41)

@Razen: Please note my use of "" around 1500 and 1200, as it is now Sek (Sek-Duat the first) was a regular Guardian a 1000 years ago.

The 1500 was made to be somewhat of an exaggeration as can be seen from this dialogue.

quote:

ORIGINAL: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=18846055

Sek: In the desert I shall guard the orb. No harm shall befall it. Though my task is great, I shall not fail!
Tuesday: (thinks) Man, the way that guy tells it he'll have been the true Light King of the desert for a million years when we see him next year...



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/9/2013 9:39:56)

Oh, of course, the contradictions placed by the Earth Orb saga(I always remembered the Light Orb Saga better). Well, if we go with previous assumptions, then ~1000/14=~71.5. Meaning that this story is now rather ~850 years Pre-DF/AQ. Unfortunately, that lessens the chances of seeing Talados in the story, what with it lacking any date and trying to stick to canon. Even if the canon doesn't exist on when it occurred. I may have to simply disregard the canon, simply due to a lack of information regarding when the event would have happened. I don't suppose that it's too ancient, since it's remembered rather well. I suppose that the bridge will be crossed soon enough, likely in Chapter 6.

Although, I'll be honest, I always forget about that scene when considering Sek-Duat. .-.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/9/2013 12:13:30)

@Razen: I don't see how that would affect your references to Talados greatly if at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=2916300&mpage=1&key=Riona�

Riona: I am Riona Shadowgale, and I have come from the faraway land of Talados to foretell of the Great Scourge.
You: The Great Scourge? That sounds bad. What exactly does that mean, and where is Talados? I’ve never heard of it.
Riona: That’s because Talados NO LONGER EXISTS. Nothing remains, save a few wandering souls. Such as myself.
Riona: It happened when I was a child... before the lands became more united by the growing power of Battleon and its loyal Adventurers and Guardians.
Riona: Talados was a rather remote place, its culture spirited and unique. But unknown to my people, a powerful evil was being nurtured by a secret guild of sorcerors.
Riona: They planned to use this terrible force to conquer the southern lands of the Continent. But before they even fully understood what they had created, it grew beyond their control.

Riona: How could we prove that we were from an island nation that had kept to itself so long? When Talados was destroyed and sank into the Sea, very few of your people felt our loss.
Riona: I-- I have someone you should meet.
Riona: Danail--?

Danail comes out.

Danail: Yes, Mommy?
Riona: This is my son. We have been traveling together for 5 years.
You: Alone? Just the two of you?


That is the reason why I guessed between 15 and 30 years. Riona appears to be around 30 years and her son seems to be no older than 10.

Also, you might remember that Riona is actually the character which belongs to Reens should you need more help with Talados.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/9/2013 14:02:29)

Me saying that was somewhat irrelevant, I suppose that you could list it off as me panicking and over-worrying about accuracy to the canon. But what I was meaning that it merely decreases the odds somewhat on a die with 5000(I doubt at least 2000 of those sides are used, considering Tjeli) sides. If one considers that the people of Talados were the only psionics, and therefore might have a different aging pattern, though, considering a later point by the Hero about wandering for decades, I will agree that my point is rather invalid. Talados will certainly go up at some point in the near future then, which is good, since it's so interesting. As to who all will be going there, I suppose that is for you to find out.

I'll be trying to start Chapter 5 soon. Might not be as long as Chapter 4, but who knows?



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/11/2013 4:23:10)

Must say, I really enjoyed Chapter 4. That Sandsea description was just...great.
Quite immersive and I could learn a lot from it.
quote:

From this position, one could see that the right wing's upper supporting bone was broken, likely Illoz immediately raised his tower shield in response, trying to maneuver back to safety behind a wall of rocks that could hide a Lightning Giant.

The bold makes no sense. Though I can't say I know of a way to fix it either.
quote:

You are to ride young Razen home, with my companion, Zayn, overseeing to his safety from your jaws, and in return,

Should this not be carry?
quote:

"Well, since you're serving as the mouth of Szayan, do tell him that he has a most abnormal, yet fitting, choice for his hand.

I love this line.

All in all Chapter 4 was great I think. Story's really starting to pick up.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/11/2013 5:58:42)

I'm glad that you enjoyed the Sandsea descriptions.

First error appears to be where I was starting a sentence and I must've forgotten about it later. Should be fixed. But to explain in short what Illoz was doing, he was trying to have his shield(With Drake Skin serving as a flame-guard) to keep...from burning alive, since he is a bigger target than Galvin and Rifroz. Also glad that you liked that line, though now do you get the general gist of what I meant about the ordeal with Sek-Duat that I had planned made sense.

Oh, right, over this weekend I'll be going back to the first two chapters and adding more details. Aside from that, I've somewhat started(Though I'll be add some more detail into the first segment on Azaila and Iritha this weekend as well) Chapter 5: Welcome Backs and Frozen Fire.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/11/2013 6:00:31)

quote:

(Though I'll be add some more detail into the first segment on Azaila and Iritha this weekend as well)

Just my two cents, but with the current cast especially in the early chapters, adding anyone else would make it kind of confusing.
I still had trouble keeping up with them all during the Dragon fight.
In fact actually I wasn't able to.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/11/2013 6:07:28)

Well, that would probably be because of the fact that Galvin was the main person out of the group, I mean Rifroz didn't speak almost at all. Illoz and Galvin were the only people you were really expected to remember that much, Rifroz was just kinda...there, if you will. Although, actually, the cast will be starting to get smaller...somewhat-ish. If anything, it should have two people less than prior(I would explain, but spoilers and all). Regardless the main reason that I was going to give some detail on them...was so that people could picture the scene a little better. I know one person made the complaint(not on this thread though) about none of the Veldrins having a real physical description to them whatsoever.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/11/2013 6:10:40)

Oh so we...weren't supposed to remember him.
That kind of explains why I couldn't.
Although I still think they should be introduced later just for the sake of less confusion at least, if that's possible with your story.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/11/2013 6:17:02)

It's not that you weren't supposed to(If you did, good for you), more of you weren't expected to. I mean, he was almost always mute and didn't do that much...it'd be a pretty jerk move to expect people to remember him. Especially since I'd probably at best vaguely remember him.

But, regardless, the cast will be getting smaller for a little while, so adding details to Razen's little sister and mother doesn't seem out of the question to me.
spoiler:

Considering that Chapter 5 will basically "deal away with" 4 characters.


As for introducing them later, I guess that I could. Considering that the third or fourth segment of Chapter 5 at least would give time to get some of who they are.

Also currently debating if the time skip will take place towards the end of Chapter 5 or the beginning of Chapter 6.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/11/2013 6:19:19)

To the timeskip, is it basically just Razen's skills can grow a bit?
Basically no "training arcs?"



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/11/2013 6:48:48)

No real "training arcs" are planned, but there COULD be some. I just didn't plan any. Considering the fact that the story's already...going a good deal slower than I had initially planned. The time skip would basically be a montage of his training though, along with getting the most important parts of it. Then again, I also have someone wanting the plot to kinda move on...and...just ugh. It's hard to say really on which I'll do. Considering that Razen's training isn't as varied or fun(He only has two trainers for this point) as Z&V's. But, yeah, the timeskip is so that Razen's skills grow to a reasonable point, but that's not exactly the lone reason. The other reason requires more thought though.

The only difference with Razen's training is that it might continue on somewhat with the story. But, still really debating it all, heck I haven't even settled really exactly how long I want the timeskip to be. Though, to the cast ordeal, if you remember, the story has 8 antagonists(5 of which have been named in the story already), so the cast has to kinda accommodate that.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/11/2013 6:51:13)

quote:

It's hard to say really on which I'll do. Considering that Razen's training isn't as varied or fun(He only has two trainers for this point) as Z&V's.

To be fair though, theirs is more integral to the plot as well. So I have no choice, it HAS to be there.
In this case it sounds like you have a bit more flexibility, which can be good.

And yeah the 8 Antagonists thing will be...difficult.
Though in my opinion, pacing is working pretty well right now.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/12/2013 20:46:12)

Update: I...suppose this can call for an update? Two segments of Chapter 5 are possibly done. I say possibly as I'm uncertain if Aloria has been...described prior to this. I suppose that if there has been...then a link would be nice. I also tried to describe the appearance of some of the Lords, though possibly in vain.

As if I'll time-skip or not...I guess that I'll leave that up to all of your opinions. I know that it's currently a tie if Glai disapproves of a Time Skip. Though, if I do a Time-Skip(more of a montage really)...it'll still take at the least half of a chapter with the stuff that happens inside. If I do time-skip, then I'll probably save it for Chapter 6 or the end of this chapter.

For the 8 Antagonists...I'll...find SOME way to handle them all. Not to mention the pandemonium of the fight scene for that.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/13/2013 15:26:13)

quote:

Its plant wrapping further gave way, and one side of the flowers fell to the ground.

gave further way

quote:

Her brown tail flailed about as she made her stroll through the mountain valleys, and she began to enter Doomwood.

I took the Dragonfable map for reference after reading this. Are you referring to the mountains east of the river and if you do I take it you crossed it?

quote:

Zayn's stay proved itself useful towards the end of trip, whenever an Undead Skuller ambushed us.

when

quote:

As that Skuller was likely raised from BlackWyn Tomb, which was northwest of Deep Root.

May I conclude from this sentence that the paladins have yet to place their seal on that place?

quote:

"We shall go immediately," Xalvyk stated, who raised his four hands lightning cackling in each one.

crackling

quote:

Energy cackled throughout the entirety of the Zarlath

crackled

quote:

With all of the blood in one of his arms frozen

I find it an interesting idea how an elemental would even have blood.

Interesting chapter, I did not expect you to go into Aloria. Tell me, is the Lady of Light talking about Sek taking over the area where the Sandsea is or because of the more recent events?



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