RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (Full Version)

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Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/12/2013 19:49:18)

Well the level of urgency just felt far too low despite the Black Murky Beast being incredibly dangerous.
Everyone felt so casual to me, but like you said writing it at different times probably caused that.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/13/2013 4:00:00)

There's a sole problem with that, but I won't get into that here. That's for the story to explain with good reason. >_> It'll make sense once you learn just what the Murky Beast IS, well, that and...the beast can follow them through the exit, but not where they went.

@Glai: Oh, right. I'll need to go back through this weekend and make it more urgent. Foreigner song pun was necessary.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/13/2013 4:34:00)

Story explanation is always good.

And I guess music would help a bit.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/18/2013 1:29:54)

Mk...so, just finished a revamp of 4th segment. So...comment away.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/18/2013 11:18:09)

Let me take a look at it.

quote:

Upon his right cheek was a tattoo of a spirit, and it had a light fluorescent glow about it.

I feel this could be elaborated a bit. In the various fictional works I have read/seen thus far spirits all seem to have a different appearance. Staying a bit closer to home, AQ doesn't even has a general outline on what a demon is or even what it looks like. Maybe you meant to say a ghost or a whisp?

Other than that you have made considerable improvements to the chapter, my congratulations.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/18/2013 12:23:25)

I was actually referring to this. Since, DD, you have to remember that this is a Pre-DF/AQ Fanfic. As for the Demons, well, that's not what the tattoo is. It's supposed to give a hint to who Miar Galiv is and what he does, since I doubt many people would willing tattoo that onto their face. Not like his attire hasn't given away what happens to him.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/18/2013 19:30:42)

quote:

Upon his right cheek was a tattoo of a Spirit, and it had a light fluorescent glow about it. It matched the color of his iris, though it felt otherworldly nonetheless.

Just curious on this, is the tattoo like a 2D rendition (though obviously not in black since it apparently matched his eyes), a la a simplified image that captures the basics or rather a more detailed, shaded, etc. marking?
If that makes any sense.
quote:

but I suspect that I wouldn't receive a very kind reception."

Sounds slightly redundant. "Receive a reception" and all.
quote:

I stated. Medlag was speaking of curses underneath his tongue,

Perhaps you meant "in his tongue" or "under his breath"?

Anyhow, chapter is far better now.
Though I can't help but feel the Stygian Beast was kind of...random in a way?



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/18/2013 19:40:59)

For the first part, more of the marking. Fixed the second and third.

And, well, in all honesty, it sorta was in my mind too. But I hadn't planned for Gorraran so soon...but with Medlag, it only made sense.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/18/2013 19:45:25)

I see then.

Guessing there's a return trip at some point right?



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/18/2013 19:51:58)

Yeah. But that's after Razen has met Nairvek and Bazrir...and mostly to visit Medlag again and get another member to his party.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/18/2013 19:55:34)

Oh one other thing.
Who is Vyrdae again?
Guessing he's a Demon but I can't recall him...existing for some reason.
Or was he the Darkness Demon...



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/18/2013 19:57:04)

Vyrdae is the Darkness Demon. His name was mentioned back at Mt. Shining Star.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (2/18/2013 20:06:45)

Alright, just came a bit random to me is all I guess. But then again I just have some trouble keeping track of names sometimes.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/2/2013 23:01:55)

Bah, I'm going to go back over the fourth segment once more. This time will remove any instance of the Stygian Beast...which was somewhat of a cop out for me because I couldn't think of what Gorraran would look like.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/3/2013 2:55:48)

Aaaahahaha.

Well looking forward to that then.
Was kinda disappointed you skipped over that anyways.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/3/2013 18:36:52)

Well, alrighty then. I have some of it. Now quite as in-depth as the Ancient Sandsea...but I had more of a basis with the Ancient Sandsea. Anyways, it does introduce Myodei and Bazrir to Razen as well as an entirely new character.

Enjoy?

Oh, right, skip to the Guard's "Halt" since everything prior is identical.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/4/2013 6:25:06)

I didn't spot any typos, so I think you're good on that.

quote:

He went on to describe how the Dwarves shipped the rare, shaped metal to the Zirkonnin Empire using underground tunnels. Unfortunately, he was unable to tell us where this empire was.

The name of the metal implies it is delved within the Zirkonnin Empire itself, though I could see them let the dwarves do the metalworking.

quote:

"No, the Maar's skull is mine! I need it!"

Isn't Maar the name of a particular Bassault?



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/4/2013 6:30:03)

I gathered it more of that Xan made the Bassault(I recall that from somewhere). Plus, you always encounter a Maar in the lava tubes of Mt. Shining Star...suggesting that there is more than one.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/4/2013 6:32:43)

quote:

The house was quite lonely since Azaila and I had left.

Given Galvin's alone, explaining it from Razen's perspective doesn't make much sense to me.
quote:

"I am an Adalon, an element, and my name is Kydoz,"

Elemental.

Anyhow, good chapter. I thought the volcanic glass thing on the pillars was genius.

What exactly is a "Maar" though? There was no link to that. Oh it seems to be a Bassault. Or Bassault seems to be A Maar. One of the two.

And I had thought Myodei had asymmetrical horns.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/4/2013 6:33:10)

@Razen: The problem with that logic is that the respective random quests of Ravenloss always have the same enemies at the end.


Hold on, an Adalaon is a golem, is it not?



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/4/2013 6:35:36)

Hmm, well, I'm still recalling that Xan made Bassaults. I can't remember what quest that makes me recall that though.

@Glai: Fixing those in just a tad.

Dwelling, they are elemental golems AND...it's complicated.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/4/2013 6:40:32)

Well the quest being called "Bassault's Assault" perhaps Bassault was intended as an individual, but in the Lava Titan Xan they just used the name on the fodders anyways.
Dunno really.



Jessa K -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/4/2013 18:48:25)

I figure it's about time I comment. Bit disappointed to see that you decided not to include the beast in the end of chapter seven, as that was shaping up to be interesting, but it's still good. I'm very interested in what will happen when Myodei & co realize they're in the same room as a couple Veldrins. Also, Iritha fainting at the end seemed a little overly dramatic. Overall though, pretty good so far.



lordkaho -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/6/2013 5:23:11)

Hello there Razen. I got hung up on my own projects and got busy with some work at University so I haven't read your new chapters.

I may have to backtrack a bit since I somehow got lost and forgot which chapter I was last reading, but don't fret. I'll catch up eventually.

~LK



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/6/2013 5:26:27)

It's all good, LK. Probably. [:D]

@Jessa K: Well, the Stygian Beast...was clotting up the plot and pretty much made it where I couldn't think of what to do afterwards.

As for the Maar to Bassault ordeal...I will keep it as Maar until there are confirmations...since there have been multiple Bassaults despite it previously being suggested to be a name...so, I just won't even bother on this one.



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