RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (Full Version)

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Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (8/27/2013 2:09:24)

New Dyjhal segment was all around a big improvement
It does seem a little odd that Dyjhal never questioned this at all, but at the same time it sort of fits the character

Chapter 10 segments were good as well, I liked the inn bit especially

Ship segments are incomplete, but Deren...now what of use could possibly be there...



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (8/30/2013 17:44:00)

Well, the second segment of Chapter 10 is up and ready to be read to completion. The third segment is under the works.

@Glai: I'm glad that the revisions to Dyjhal's segment were improvements.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (10/24/2013 18:40:45)

*Looks around cautiously* Uh... It has been some time, hasn't it? I finished the third segment; it is quite short. I was just posting to announce that it will likely be a great deal of time before I am allotted time to focus on this, due to time-consuming ordeals in school.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (10/24/2013 20:20:21)

Yo yo my homie

Long overdue comment

So overall, good updates. Miar and the sacrifice bit especially. Not sure why but I just love inn sequences.

The Deren bit wasn't incredibly interesting, but what came often was fun. Can't wait for what's up next, looks like we have good things heading our way (namely Jagos and the possibility of some Zolkt backstory).



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (10/25/2013 6:29:58)

quote:

"Was it?" Miar inquired. In a few seconds, he saw that his and Azaila's "Eh, barkeep, we need three Spellberry juices over here!" I seated myself next to Azaila in the round couch that rested in the corner of the tavern.

What did you want to say here?

quote:

The apparition looked like a middle-aged man with medium hair in studded leather armor. His face was gruff and bore some scars from his adventures in life. His eyes suggested that he was blind by the end of his life. His hair and eye color were indeterminable. The spirit broke the silence from his appearance, "What do you want this time, Miar? I have already told you all that I know about Myodei and his companions, and, wait, are you being accompanied by my descendants? By the Elemental Lords, how did you manage that?"

Seeing how the ritual required the blood of the spectre's descendants just how did Miar manage to communicate with it in the first place? Secondly, how could a blind ghost tell who summoned him or that Miar was in the company of his descendants?

quote:

"I knew that I was forgetting something," She responded, "He should be on your left once you go up the spiral staircase. You can tell him that Virula sent you. He should at least hear you out that way."

Seeing how they clearly know her father and have an "appointment", why is she telling them that they should say that she sent them?

This last comment is perhaps a bit overdue, but why did the elementals need a boat when they seemed to do just fine without one while venturing to Tjeli and its freezing climate?



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (10/25/2013 7:04:18)

@DDL: The first, even I have forgotten what I meant to say there(so I will probably remove it). As for the ghost, well, put two and two together for the first bit(Miar is quite a bit older than Razen). As for sight, he was able to view the world more in the sense of that Kyrei only sees spirits(similarly Kydoz sees in elements, but that isn't very helpful).

Mirak and Myodei didn't have an appointment. Myodei seemed to wish to see him, and Virula thought that saying she sent them would at least get Mirak's attention(She didn't know how fond he was of them as research associates).

Finally, the boat... I suspected that this was going to be mentioned. The segment involving Tjeli was "within the time skip" so it was an event that took place in the middle of the ten years or so that passed by. I would say that it could have been that they knew that no captain was crazy enough to take them there, so Zynaer allowed for them to do it another way(on foot actually). Zynaer's ability would freeze the water after a short time and they would continue onward. It likely took a great deal of time, but I suspect that is how they did it. Or maybe the naive captain that they found decided to never help them again and so was not mentioned.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/10/2013 21:40:48)

I suppose that Chapter 10 is finished. The last segments returns to Zynaer. It also introduces a few new characters, some of which will be important.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/11/2013 19:20:24)

quote:

"He doesn't want me," Iskrema said, "I do not need to be redeemed is what he told me."


I'm not sure why but this line in particular really sticks out to me. I may be looking into it too much, but it just gives me this very off and mysterious feeling about Myodei, as if there's still a lot about him and his methods we are yet to discover. Which to be fair, is probably true.

I feel like the Mastodon and Avalurch descriptions could use a slightly better transition sentence into each other
also there was this
quote:

In a few minutes, he returned adorned in think fur clothes.

thick

didn't catch any other typos but I wasn't exactly looking

great chapter overall



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/11/2013 19:37:16)

I fixed the typo and added a "While" to the start of the description of the Avalurch.

I am glad that that line of dialogue caught your eye; it is probably the most important line in that segment.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/16/2013 3:28:57)

yeah that fixed it up quite nicely
quote:

"He never went to Gorraran so early on,"

this line's a bit unsettling for some reason
really makes it feel like whatever Myodei's up to is...ominous



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/5/2014 23:23:38)

First segment of Chapter 11 is finished. I'm working on the second one currently.

P.S. DDL, read. [:D]



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/6/2014 5:03:45)

quote:

Humans, Elves, Dwarves, Gnomes, Orcs, Moglins, and even a few Drakels were present in the library.

Drakel

I see you have a youtube link in your story, could you please use quietube in the future?

quote:

He seemed anxious to leave; he probably hasn't left the parish in quite some time.

hadn't

quote:

The latter of these two had been the home of the famous Dragonlord of Light, [DATA EXPUNGED], who disrobed himself of the traditional armor of the Dragonlords for a gilded plate design with a helmet that's shape was inspired by that of a majestic and regal lions of Lore.

the majestic and regal lions/a majestic and regal lion

I am most curious to see what you want to do with the Dragonlord of Light.

I was expecting Razen's ancestor to be summoned to convince Razen of Myodei's evil nature enough to hunt Myodei down, but I feel that Razen still doesn't really have a reason let alone the motivation to search him or his companions out.

As for Miar .... he seems rather incompetent as a hunter with the task of tracking Myodei down. Judging by his temper I am not even sure why he didn't battle or at the very least followed Myodei when he came across him though the first would seem more likely.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/6/2014 7:36:22)

Oh, I forgot to switch one of the youtube videos to quietube. I usually try to keep on top of that. Yeah, my bad there. Same for the grammatical errors...I'll get around to fixing those.

Anyways, as for why Razen is searching Myodei out is because he still feels indebted to Zolkt. Due to that, he now feels like he should try to prove that Myodei is innocent to Miar. Basically, Miar is Razen's driving force. I actually *probably* should have utilized Kyrei like that, but Miar has more of the ingredients on him regardless. I'll wait until Razen expresses his lack of drive for this. It kinda started as more of "Let's take Medlag home!" then Miar turned it into "I want to search for Myodei, and I *know* that your family knows about hunting Myodei."

I also imagined that I did a relatively good job explaining what was going on with Miar and why he didn't attack Myodei(I can't give the exact reason as that is a spoiler, but I'll say that it is due to Myodei, not Miar). Miar's not completely controlled by his rage though; he knows that during his exchange of pleasantries with Myodei that they weren't prepared to fight Myodei and co.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/10/2014 23:13:10)

Alright, I tried to add some to the first segment of Chapter 11 from Kyrei on Myodei's evils, so I'd suggest giving the segment a re-read.

I also finished the third segment of Chapter 11, oddly before the second segment, and it's about Vyrdae and Veqwei in the Skraeling desert. They meet quite the character there.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/11/2014 22:35:56)

redone first section's a big improvement, though the first exchange seems to overuse the word "accompany"

looking forward to meeting Jagos



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/12/2014 14:37:17)

@Razen: How many years prior to Dragonfable did you say this story was playing again?

quote:

nomads with Vechak lizards

Do you mean the mount of Surt? If so, where did it state the name of that beast?

quote:

"Stop making so much racket; the hear us if you keep it up," Vyrdae snarled.

they'll



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/12/2014 14:46:00)

Eh, I believe the estimation was approximately 700 to 650 years or so before Dragonfable, so Sek-Duat III is in his reign.

As for the Vechak lizards, I believe one was the mount of Suld, not Surt, and the name of the beast is provided with the description of the armor.

I'll fix that little grammar problem... Don't know how THAT one slipped past.

Edit: Why do you ask about the time in which this took place once more?



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/12/2014 15:00:04)

@Razen: I see.

You have also improved on Kyrei's responses and I see a reference to Glaisaurus_x's story.

Now as to why I asked about how long ago the story plays .... that is something I've been having problems with writing myself. I had estimates and memories, but nothing solid as to when the war with Stormfallen started and how far the Western Wastes stretch out.

quote:

ORIGINAL: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=20370007&mpage=1&key=Ramleon�

Eukara: Interesting... Being half serpent and possessing such large paws, a desert wasteland seems more suited to a Ramleon than a forest.
«You»: Those seem to be rushing off towards Greenguard Forest, though...


This quest for instance brings the Western Wastes to the border of Greenguard Forest.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/12/2014 15:22:44)

Oh, yeah, sometimes I can't get solid numbers or estimates even. As you can recall with Talados, I just went with the assumption that it occurred at some point that works for what I was trying to get. That is to say that I'm working with the assumption that the creation of the Western Wastes occurred approximately somewhere between 1200 to 750 years prior to Adventurequest(I don't think that there IS a number on when the war started honestly). An assumption with little to no real founding, but I needed something to make Kyrei's argument more convincing. The Paladin and Rennd Order's angle seemed to be what would work for that seeing as Kyrei knows about that imp in Talados.

You'd also be right with the reference to Glai's story; it's no coincidence that both of our stories take place during the reign of Sek-Duat III(Yes, I just implied that our stories are indeed relatively concurrent to one another).



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/14/2014 22:03:54)

The second segment of Chapter 11 is finished, so Chapter 11 is done.

I might get to work on Chapter 12 soon, but it is unlikely.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/15/2014 7:54:16)

quote:

"Oh, there was some things that troubled <> on our way here," Zynaer spoke nonchalantly, "There was nothing of note really, but there was a giant. That's something, I suppose."

were, us

quote:

I wasn't sure what Joel had to tell us, but I believed that if it could help us figure out what Myodei is doing, then it is worth it.

was

quote:

Before we got onto the carriage, I had noticed that Miar gave some sort of wink at Azaila, but I didn't know what his intents with that was.

intent

quote:

A voice could be heard outside, "Who authorized this carriage's passage into our Lady Safiria's lands?"

Hold on, Granemor lies just outside of Darkovia.

First, am I to understand that Iskrema remained behind?

Secondly, during the destruction of Riverine Keep by Sarkalos (Past Present) Drageth was the king of Swordhaven and he lived at the same time as Erimus, meaning that your story would take place then.

quote:

ORIGINAL: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=16118304

Wolfwing: Unfortunately, I only know it in part. My memory of that time was shattered by my transformation. I was lucky to even live... and it was over 900 years ago. Dewlok knows part of it as well...


This brings the ball rolling, as Darkovia was still Luminovia back then and Dewlok would have been the personal guard to Erimus at the time. It is because of these things that I ask when a story plays out.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/15/2014 12:35:32)

Granemor does lie outside of Darkovia's lands, but Razen, Azaila, and Miar were coming from Dwarfhold. The path from Dwarfhold to Granemor would cross Darkovia from what I would imagine, or that would be one of the quickest routes with the smell masking the carriage.

Iskrema did stay behind, yes.

As for the ordeal of Drageth, Wolfwing, Darkovia, and Luminovia, I'm kinda glad to have a time frame on that finally(I couldn't recall when it happened nor could I find when it happened), but I'll need to talk with Glai on that. It's possible that Glai might not be using the same Drageth.

Edit: Glai and I came to this conclusion: Drageth is no longer going to be in Past Present. Glai's going to change him out for a different Slugwrath that allows for our stories to be concurrent. Glai said that he used Drageth because as far as he knew there was no dates attached to him, but you've proven that wrong. Oh, the segment with Joel is finished now as well.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/16/2014 18:05:45)

it was either that or, at the time we hadn't had any crossing over planned and so my story was set a bit further back (1,000 years iirc) so it didnt matter

a new character gives me a bit more flexibility as well though, even if it does require a bit of retconning

anyhow to the actual segments themselves, I am especially fond of Joel's introduction (and Joel himself)



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/17/2014 15:05:40)

quote:

she hadn't known that Myodei and his company was this dangerous.

were

@Razen: Should that be the case then maybe a remark from Myodei's companions like "I gather he didn't want to come then, but who is this?".

@Glais: So does this mean that the werewolves will be removed from your rewrite?



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (3/17/2014 16:51:25)

I suppose so, but I don't think that they were expecting Iskrema to come back with him. It's more of a friendly visit with your ex-jailor or theirs rather.



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