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Faerdin -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/12/2012 15:11:48)
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First, corrections!
Chapter One
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Bookshelves that strectched up to the ceiling twenty feet above the floor continued into what looked like infinity in this corridor of shelves. Bookshelves that stretched up to the ceiling twenty feet above the floor continued into what looked like infinity in this corridor of shelves.quote:
The person tucked the book under his cloak and continued at the same leisure pace to a chair positioned against a shelf. The person tucked the book under his cloak and continued at the same leisurely pace to a chair positioned against a shelf.quote:
The figure sat down on the chair, and opened the book It had been ages since he had read the book. The figure sat down on the chair, and opened the book. It had been ages since he had read the book.quote:
On the first page stood seven words. I can't imagine words standing on a page. "On the first page, seven words were written" might be a more appropriate substitute.quote:
Tobin would hand my father the tools and I would tote raw or and minerals from the mine every day. At noon he would let us go. Tobin would hand my father the tools and I would tote raw ore and minerals from the mine every day. At noon he would let us go.quote:
Anyway, we started making wooden weapons like swords, daggers and quater-staffs. Anyway, we started making wooden weapons like swords, daggers and quarter-staves.quote:
Then one of us, I can't remeber who, came up with the idea to have a tournament in the abandoned sneevil tree fort. Then one of us, I can't remember who, came up with the idea to have a tournament in the abandoned sneevil tree fort.quote:
His family was to prideful for their own good, and I took on the challenge. His family was too prideful for their own good, and I took on the challenge.quote:
I fully expected the reds to use the same maouver, so made sure to send a scouting group to find the second force of reds. I fully expected the Reds to use the same maneuver, so I made sure to send a scouting group to find the second force of Reds.
Note: Capitalized "Reds" because you had previously capitalized "Red" in referral to the Red Team members. One way or the other, capitalization should be consistent.quote:
I marched with the main force, so as not to araise suspiscion as to where the team's captain was. I marched with the main force, so as not to raise suspicion as to where the team's captain was.quote:
Our team's sneaking around manouver prooved succesful for the mst part. Our team's sneaking around maneuver proved successful for the most part.quote:
But I hadn't realised that. I hadn't realised that it was his fault of what happend in the next two years. But I hadn't realized that. I hadn't realized that it was his fault of what happened in the next two years.
Note: The second second might use some rephrasing. Like, "I hadn't realized that he was to blame for what happened to me in the next two years."quote:
They hoped for her to train in swordhaven and have a better job than they had. They hoped for her to train in Swordhaven and have a better job than they had.quote:
She made to much noise. She made too much noise.quote:
I remeber sensing the darkness in my sleep. I remeber waking up and jumping out of bed as soon as I heard the marching. I remember sensing the darkness in my sleep. I remember waking up and jumping out of bed as soon as I heard the marching.quote:
I heard wierd noises from outside though. I heard weird noises from outside though.quote:
It apalled me. It appalled me.quote:
I screamed, and I don't know what happend next. I screamed, and I don't know what happened next.quote:
I remeber visions of a person who looked like me, but couldn't possibly be me, such was the look on his face. I remember visions of a person who looked like me, but couldn't possibly be me, such was the look on his face.quote:
I remeber how hard it hit. I remember how hard it hit.
Chapter Two
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He remebered quite well where Valden had been those two years, which Tobias hadn't known, and probably never would know. He remembered quite well where Valden had been those two years, which Tobias hadn't known, and probably never would know.quote:
Trying to fill in the blanks the book left, he thought back to when he had first met Valden, in the Doomwoods. Trying to fill in the blanks the book left, he thought back to when he had first met Valden in Doomwood.quote:
His hair was brown and spikey. His hair was brown and spiky.quote:
His face was scratched and one eyes had swollen over from a bruise. He fainted from exauhstion. His face was scratched and one eye had swollen over from a bruise. He fainted from exhaustion.quote:
The figure remebered taking the boy in, for he sensed a dark presence in him. The figure remembered taking the boy in, for he sensed a dark presence in him.quote:
When the boy told his story, where he was from and what he was doing in Doomswood, his voice was only but a whisper. When the boy told his story, where he was from and what he was doing in Doomwood, his voice was only but a whisper.quote:
"Water." He said with a barely audible voice. "Water," He said with a barely audible voice.quote:
"Valden" he said in a voice more audible, strengthend by the water. "Valden," he said in a voice more audible, strengthened by the water.quote:
"I got lost" he mumbled. "I got lost," he mumbled.quote:
"And what were you doing in the Doomwoods in the first place?" "And what were you doing in Doomwood in the first place?"quote:
Again, Vladen mumbled something inaudible. Again, Valden mumbled something inaudible.quote:
"Fine. I ran away after I lost a game. I didn't mean to loose my way, but I have, and I'm starving, and I need to find my way back." "Fine. I ran away after I lost a game. I didn't mean to lose my way, but I have, and I'm starving, and I need to find my way back."quote:
"There are no laws in the Doomswood boy." "There are no laws in the Doomwood boy."quote:
"What" "What?"quote:
"I will teach you how to use dark magics. Few have the ability, and I have always wanted an apprentice. So no. I will not let you go." "I will teach you how to use dark magic. Few have the ability, and I have always wanted an apprentice. So no. I will not let you go."
I felt similarly to Glaisaurus upon seeing that Valden had left the village for two whole years, but reading the second chapter gave a very good explanation as to why, so I wouldn't see anything wrong with that. If anything, the fact that any child that young would disappear for two whole years over a game gives the feeling that something is wrong.
Can't wait to see more from you, Legendium! ^_^
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