(DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (Full Version)

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Legendium -> (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/11/2012 6:39:49)

Again, I'm new to the L&L, and I may have had to ask permission to write this story, but, after scouring the rules of this place, I saw nothing to relate too. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Story is here.

So, I guess this is just where people leave comments.
This is a WIP though, so yeah. It will continue.




Dannish -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/11/2012 16:22:25)

Did Tobias have any friends? Otherwise, a great chapter. Also, you are a jerk. You leave me hanging.




deatharrows -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/11/2012 16:55:04)

I am Legend your story is great. It always makes me sad since I get such eh criticism then I see other forumites making stores that are instant classics. However I will say that. It was awesome. Also how can you post this story if your dead? Necromancyception!




Glais -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/11/2012 20:03:36)

quote:

A purple torch on a stand stood next to it, casting more shadow than light

Should probably say "sat" or something else for better flow.
quote:

and the best sword in the dueling club

Having a skilled character isn't bad, but starting out as "the best" can lead to sueish things. Not saying your character is like that just wanted to note it.
quote:

Ever since I beat him, he's hated me

You already said that ~_^
quote:

he wanted to win this game. Unfortunantly I won

Unfortunately.
quote:

We threw a party afterwards in the victory of the Green team. Valden was nowhere to be seen. And he didn't show up again until two years later

I...can't help but find this a bit unrealistic. I understand he's a prideful sort, but two years? Quite a long time to leave after losing a game.
quote:

My brother broke his hand when she was born, and as a result, couldn't duel with me in the club, and couldn't help my father in the forge.

Don't quite understand this, does it mean his brother happened to break his hand as their sister was born?

I shouod've seen that ending coming xD Didn't though. Anyways that was a pretty fun read, there are a ton of minor typos throughout it though so you'll want to check up on that. I should probably quote them but eh lazy and it's difficult to do when not on a computer. Overall though, a good start. Looking forward to the rest.




Legendium -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/12/2012 2:22:08)


quote:

Also, you are a jerk. You leave me hanging.


I can now understand why my favorite authors have such a good time aggravating me. Muahahahaha!

quote:

Having a skilled character isn't bad, but starting out as "the best" can lead to sueish things. Not saying your character is like that just wanted to note it.


Remember this is a club of kids.

quote:

You already said that ~_^


*goes back to look* So I did....
I'll get to editing that.

quote:

Unfortunately.


If he hadn't won, Valden wouldn't have wanted revenge, and wouldn't have alerted the Necromancer at all.

quote:

I...can't help but find this a bit unrealistic. I understand he's a prideful sort, but two years? Quite a long time to leave after losing a game.


That's another part of the story to be told later. The person reading the book knows all...... And he will tell what happened to Valden that made him stay away for that long. Although, it may have something to do with being lost in Doomwood, not being able to find his way back, and well, I can't spoil everything yet.

quote:

Don't quite understand this, does it mean his brother happened to break his hand as their sister was born?


The two events have nothing to do with each other. They were coincidential. But I should probably rephrase that.

quote:

there are a ton of minor typos throughout it though


There are? *runs back again*

quote:

Overall though, a good start. Looking forward to the rest.


Oh great. This is the first time I feel I've done something with my writing skills.
The story took a while to plan out though. Seeing as I'm planning on a twist at the end that would make it impossible for me to explain what happened after he finished writing down what happened, I had to go with a story within a story.




Well, I have unfortunantly got a bunch of hobbies that I can't stop now, but I'll get the second chapter up soon. Hopefully I don't meet the regular wall of writer's block.




Glais -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/12/2012 2:34:54)

Yeah on the sword club I realized that later but forgot to change it. On "unfortunately" I was merely citing a typo.

And well, we can assume he dies at the end, as the boom survived, that in itself is a twist ~_^




Legendium -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/12/2012 10:13:10)

quote:

And well, we can assume he dies at the end,


Or does he?

*grins evily about his plotz*

Well, chapter 2 is up. Short, but Valden needed an explanation for his two year absence, and I don't really feel like putting too much into the story yet. I make it a rule to balance my life. So I never put to much work into one thing.
But don't worry. Compared to my other writing experiences, I have high hopes for this story.




Glais -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/12/2012 14:15:43)

Well he said if he lived he would burn the book so...yeah.




Legendium -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/12/2012 14:19:58)

quote:

Well he said if he lived he would burn the book so...yeah.


Even though I would love to spill the beans, I won't. But, after all, he may die. All in good time.....




deatharrows -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/12/2012 14:20:58)

Deatharrows gives your story a death (9 million) out of 10.




Faerdin -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/12/2012 15:11:48)

First, corrections!

Chapter One
quote:

Bookshelves that strectched up to the ceiling twenty feet above the floor continued into what looked like infinity in this corridor of shelves.
Bookshelves that stretched up to the ceiling twenty feet above the floor continued into what looked like infinity in this corridor of shelves.
quote:

The person tucked the book under his cloak and continued at the same leisure pace to a chair positioned against a shelf.
The person tucked the book under his cloak and continued at the same leisurely pace to a chair positioned against a shelf.
quote:

The figure sat down on the chair, and opened the book It had been ages since he had read the book.
The figure sat down on the chair, and opened the book. It had been ages since he had read the book.
quote:

On the first page stood seven words.
I can't imagine words standing on a page. "On the first page, seven words were written" might be a more appropriate substitute.
quote:

Tobin would hand my father the tools and I would tote raw or and minerals from the mine every day. At noon he would let us go.
Tobin would hand my father the tools and I would tote raw ore and minerals from the mine every day. At noon he would let us go.
quote:

Anyway, we started making wooden weapons like swords, daggers and quater-staffs.
Anyway, we started making wooden weapons like swords, daggers and quarter-staves.
quote:

Then one of us, I can't remeber who, came up with the idea to have a tournament in the abandoned sneevil tree fort.
Then one of us, I can't remember who, came up with the idea to have a tournament in the abandoned sneevil tree fort.
quote:

His family was to prideful for their own good, and I took on the challenge.
His family was too prideful for their own good, and I took on the challenge.
quote:

I fully expected the reds to use the same maouver, so made sure to send a scouting group to find the second force of reds.
I fully expected the Reds to use the same maneuver, so I made sure to send a scouting group to find the second force of Reds.
Note: Capitalized "Reds" because you had previously capitalized "Red" in referral to the Red Team members. One way or the other, capitalization should be consistent.
quote:

I marched with the main force, so as not to araise suspiscion as to where the team's captain was.
I marched with the main force, so as not to raise suspicion as to where the team's captain was.
quote:

Our team's sneaking around manouver prooved succesful for the mst part.
Our team's sneaking around maneuver proved successful for the most part.
quote:

But I hadn't realised that. I hadn't realised that it was his fault of what happend in the next two years.
But I hadn't realized that. I hadn't realized that it was his fault of what happened in the next two years.
Note: The second second might use some rephrasing. Like, "I hadn't realized that he was to blame for what happened to me in the next two years."
quote:

They hoped for her to train in swordhaven and have a better job than they had.
They hoped for her to train in Swordhaven and have a better job than they had.
quote:

She made to much noise.
She made too much noise.
quote:

I remeber sensing the darkness in my sleep. I remeber waking up and jumping out of bed as soon as I heard the marching.
I remember sensing the darkness in my sleep. I remember waking up and jumping out of bed as soon as I heard the marching.
quote:

I heard wierd noises from outside though.
I heard weird noises from outside though.
quote:

It apalled me.
It appalled me.
quote:

I screamed, and I don't know what happend next.
I screamed, and I don't know what happened next.
quote:

I remeber visions of a person who looked like me, but couldn't possibly be me, such was the look on his face.
I remember visions of a person who looked like me, but couldn't possibly be me, such was the look on his face.
quote:

I remeber how hard it hit.
I remember how hard it hit.

Chapter Two
quote:

He remebered quite well where Valden had been those two years, which Tobias hadn't known, and probably never would know.
He remembered quite well where Valden had been those two years, which Tobias hadn't known, and probably never would know.
quote:

Trying to fill in the blanks the book left, he thought back to when he had first met Valden, in the Doomwoods.
Trying to fill in the blanks the book left, he thought back to when he had first met Valden in Doomwood.
quote:

His hair was brown and spikey.
His hair was brown and spiky.
quote:

His face was scratched and one eyes had swollen over from a bruise. He fainted from exauhstion.
His face was scratched and one eye had swollen over from a bruise. He fainted from exhaustion.
quote:

The figure remebered taking the boy in, for he sensed a dark presence in him.
The figure remembered taking the boy in, for he sensed a dark presence in him.
quote:

When the boy told his story, where he was from and what he was doing in Doomswood, his voice was only but a whisper.
When the boy told his story, where he was from and what he was doing in Doomwood, his voice was only but a whisper.
quote:

"Water." He said with a barely audible voice.
"Water," He said with a barely audible voice.
quote:

"Valden" he said in a voice more audible, strengthend by the water.
"Valden," he said in a voice more audible, strengthened by the water.
quote:

"I got lost" he mumbled.
"I got lost," he mumbled.
quote:

"And what were you doing in the Doomwoods in the first place?"
"And what were you doing in Doomwood in the first place?"
quote:

Again, Vladen mumbled something inaudible.
Again, Valden mumbled something inaudible.
quote:

"Fine. I ran away after I lost a game. I didn't mean to loose my way, but I have, and I'm starving, and I need to find my way back."
"Fine. I ran away after I lost a game. I didn't mean to lose my way, but I have, and I'm starving, and I need to find my way back."
quote:

"There are no laws in the Doomswood boy."
"There are no laws in the Doomwood boy."
quote:

"What"
"What?"
quote:

"I will teach you how to use dark magics. Few have the ability, and I have always wanted an apprentice. So no. I will not let you go."
"I will teach you how to use dark magic. Few have the ability, and I have always wanted an apprentice. So no. I will not let you go."

I felt similarly to Glaisaurus upon seeing that Valden had left the village for two whole years, but reading the second chapter gave a very good explanation as to why, so I wouldn't see anything wrong with that. If anything, the fact that any child that young would disappear for two whole years over a game gives the feeling that something is wrong.
Can't wait to see more from you, Legendium! ^_^




Legendium -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/12/2012 15:14:58)

@Fae

So many typos I didn't notice......
This'll take forever to clean up.....
Well, that and chapter three have to wait for tomorrow then. And I may want to include a reaction of Valden's parents in Chapter 1.




Faerdin -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/12/2012 15:16:44)

If you do, I would save their reaction for a little while after hearing of Valden running away.
That way, readers will have time to develop the sense of something being off.




Legendium -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/12/2012 15:32:15)

@Fae

Well there's also the problem of the narrative view. The narrarator himself has a personality, of some sort, although I can't quite say yet. When I find out what direction his personality is leaning to, I may or may not include something. If the narrator deems soething unimportant, he won't include it. But for the sake of the readers, I'll include it.




Faerdin -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/12/2012 16:46:23)

*Nods* I had also forgotten to mention something.
A Prologue often comes before the very first chapter of the story. Either the Prologue or Chapter Two should be changed to Chapter One, depending on where you would like to go with it. ;)




Glais -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/13/2012 1:34:49)

quote:

Well, that and chapter three have to wait for tomorrow then. And I may want to include a reaction of Valden's parents in Chapter 1.

That might be good. The protagonist's parents too possibly, as his dad was a blacksmith, could've stood a chance against the skeletons ~_^
also wondering, as Tobias' best friend wasn't named, does this mean he won't be important at all?




Legendium -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/13/2012 11:39:27)

@Glai
Really?
I'm sure I said Tobias' best friend was named Iam.....
Anyway, technically, Tobias is and is not the protagonist of the story. Technically all thats going on is a necromancer sitting in a library reading a book. And the necromancer probably doesn't like Tobias that much.

And anyways, I'll get to what happened to his parents.
For some reason this is coming across as a story that will be short. But I'm not going to end it when Tobias' story ends. This will be a complete set of my entire char list.

quote:

does this mean he won't be important at all?


Of course he will be important!
Either he'll be killed, and add to Tobias' misery (which I bet you I won't do), or much more likely, he'll have a story of his own. He doesn't play much of a role in this part of the story though.
The probability of his death is very low though. Mainly because my forum personna is based off him.




Glais -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/13/2012 19:56:17)

quote:

I'm sure I said Tobias' best friend was named Iam.....

Ah, I must have missed it then, my bad.

So a Necromancer's reading the story...interesting.




Legendium -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/14/2012 13:40:34)

Chapter Three is up. Typos of previuos chapters not yet changed, but Valden's parents' reaction is now included in chapter one.




Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/14/2012 14:18:12)

Let's go over this story. *Cracks knuckles.*

quote:

I was one of the best, aside from my best friend, who I had met there, and a son of the city guard, Valden. Valden and I never really got along that well.

This sentence confuses me, your protagonist only had one friend and a bad one at that (or multiple bad friends)?

Chapter 3.

quote:

I remeber how it shocked me.

remember

quote:

But, as fate would have it, it was the Doomwood.




Legendium -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/14/2012 15:07:15)

@DD
Well, that's another point I should redo. Although, the amount of friends really isn't important to the story. I may want to say he had many friends within the Duelist club, but it won't do anything but increase the reality factor. I'm definetly going to go through the whole story at the end and smash all unrealistic bits and typos.

Also, the fact that he's writing this in a cave wondering whether or not he's going to die would cause him to skip over a few parts, don't you think?




Faerdin -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/14/2012 18:35:58)

In addition to Dwelling's corrections:
quote:

I was angry. And I was sad.
I feel these sentences may be unnecessary. There are more elegant ways to convey emotion.
quote:

"Don't make excuses." He snarled.
"Don't make excuses," he snarled.

I liked this chapter.
Tobias' success in the previous chapters gave him an aura of invincibility in some sense. This chapter, however, starts to flesh out some of the flaws in his character.




Legendium -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/16/2012 13:38:28)

Chapter four is out.
Not my best work, but the story needs to advance.




Faerdin -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/16/2012 18:37:31)

This is the only correction I could make, and even then, it may not be necessary:
quote:

But my brokenness pulled me forward. The darkness had a will of its own, and my broken will could not resist it.
I recommend replacing "brokenness" with a word like "anguish" or "despair," as you proceed to use "broken" in the following sentence.

Not your best work? Debatable, I suppose, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Having a love for imagery myself, I loved these lines:
quote:

The way the wind whistled through the trees sounded like evil whispering. The darkness beyond was like a creature, pulling at my soul, bidding me to come and test my fate in the depths of this abomination called a forest.
Still looking forward to your next installment. ;)




Legendium -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (11/17/2012 5:01:27)

@Faerdin

Well, I'll make less typos now, seeing as when I use Google chrome, there's a spell check included.




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