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Aurauris -> RE: (DF) Legendium's Tale (WIP) Discussion Thread (4/27/2013 18:30:27)
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Five golden muffins and an emphatic WOW to you, Legendium! It’s only been five and a half months from the start of your story (though I only began reading through your tale this morning; forgive my late arrival!), yet the growth and difference in maturity of writing style I see from Prologue to Chapter Seven is clear-cut and incredible. I think your greatest achievement thus far has been the improvement in your sentence-variety and imagery; the tale that had at the start pleasantly piqued my interest now, as I finish up reading your latest post, has me firmly spellbound.
Before I begin a few suggestions, I’d like to say as well that I really, really like how you’ve shown us occasional tidbits of the Necromancer Senuro’s perspective as well. +25 heebie-jeebies creepy points! I’m very anxious to see how his reflections upon Tobias’ autobiography align with the greater storyline in your tale. :3
That being said, here’s a couple comments I had whilst enjoying your most recent chapter!
quote:
Dariut pulled his sword out from it's scabbard on his back . . .
Just a little revision – “its”
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quote:
Time was short though, as Dariut slashed sideways.
Since you’re using “though” to give this sentence a bit of a pause, I believe you’ll want to add a comma right beforehand.
Ex: “Time was short, though, as Dariut slashed sideways.”
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quote:
I stepped to the side to avoid the blow. "What?"
You might add a verb here leading into the dialogue to help the reader’s understanding of this being Tobias’ response to Dariut, and to further highlight the apprentice’s bewilderment. :3
Ex: “I stepped aside to avoid the blow, exclaiming, ‘What?’”
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quote:
I shifted into the stance of attack I had self-taught myself in the duelist club; leaning forward slightly, keeping the hammer close to my hip.
This feels a bit redundant, and there’s a couple ways you could smooth it out.
Ex 1: “I shifted into the self-taught stance of attack from my days in the duelist club . . .”
Ex 2: “I shifted into the stance of attack I had taught myself in the duelist club . . .”
Also, I think you have a great idea using a semicolon here! Just be sure that there’s a complete sentence on both sides. ^ _^
Ex: “. . . in the duelist club; leaning forward slightly, I kept my hammer close to my hip.”
If you’d rather keep the wording as is, replace it with a colon or en dash, “–“, and you’re good to go!
Ex: “. . . in the duelist club: leaning forward slightly, keeping the hammer close to my hip.”
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quote:
Normally, I would have held it out in front of me, as I would with the sword I usually use . . .
These two “would”s feel a bit repetitive. You don’t have to change it if you’re not wanting to, but I think deleting the second “I would” adds a better flow to the overall sentence.
Ex: “Normally, I would have held it out in front of me, as with the sword I usually use . . .”
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quote:
I didn't.
I like that you begin this fifth section with a sudden indication that Tobias wasn't going to fall for Dariut’s baiting, but you might add a little more spice! C:
Ex 1: “I [didn’t / wouldn’t] fall for it.”
Ex 2: “Humor him I wouldn’t.”
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quote:
It carried on for hours, me attempting to attack, Dariut blocking and dodging every blow.
I’m not sure there’s anything grammatically amiss here, but “me attempting” sounds a bit strange to my ear. Perhaps you could join the first two phrases?
Ex: “It carried on for hours as I vainly attempted to attack, Dariut blocking and dodging every blow.”
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quote:
For a hammer without flanges, a lot of strength is needed, which generally requires both hands on the handle. Which I couldn’t do comfortably with a blacksmith’s hammer, as the handle was too short.
The second sentence here isn’t a complete sentence on its own, so you might connect it to the previous with a little bit of tweaking to keep the commas from overwhelming. ^ _^
Ex: “ . . . which generally requires both hands on the handle, something I couldn’t do comfortably with the incredibly short handle of a blacksmith’s hammer.”
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quote:
Somehow though, the weapon started feeling better in my hands.
Since you have “somehow”, you can get rid of the “though”!
Ex: “Somehow, the weapon started feeling better in my hands.”
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quote:
When I was shook awake, the sun had barely risen.
Another teeny one! – “shaken”
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quote:
This time round, things went much better.
Since “’round” is a contraction of “around” when used in this phrase, I suggest either using an apostrophe at the beginning of “round” or using the full word.
Ex: “This time ‘round, things went much better.”
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quote:
Sometimes he would shorten the time we fought, once we fought two days straight.
Last one! Since these two ideas contrast, I would either break them into separate sentences or make the difference clearer.
Ex 1: “Sometimes he would shorten the time we fought. Once we fought for two days straight.”
Ex 2: “Sometimes he would shorten the time we fought; another time, we fought for two days straight.”
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And that’s it! You’ve truly made wonderful, wonderful progress, Legendium, and I can’t wait to see where Tobias’ Paladin-magic excursions will take him in your next chapter. Thank you so much for all your hard work in scripting out this gem of a tale. ^ u^
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