RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (Full Version)

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Tep Itaki -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (1/31/2013 11:01:26)

Even so, I still wish to read your work as well as I've already read and critiqued all the others[:)]

Thank you for your permission Elryn. I also wonder what Rixi's true motivation is as I do not know either >.>;; Perhaps at the end of the war she'll have found it. To be honest, the reason why Rixi's wanting to compete against you was because after Zombay's defeat against you and complained about it to her, Rixi had wanted to test her mettle against the man that defeated her teacher. If she could defeat the man that defeated her teacher, maybe she'll be acknowledge by him finally.
However, even that isn't Rixi's true reason for joining this war on the same side as you in this important war. I'll have to wait and see for her to find the answer before asking her again.

Oh right, I won't have my war story up until after the war is finished(or if I have time in between reset) for maximum kills possible with two characters on opposing sides of the war. This is the most important war ever. Zombay may make an appearance....if I have the time >.>;;



UnderSoul -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (1/31/2013 13:39:59)

Tep, just read your review. Thank you, also I do try to end my sections with parts that would only make sense to either:
A) People who've been on the forums far longer than I
Or
B) People who've read the earlier war threads.



battlemaster25 -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (1/31/2013 14:21:53)

quote:

@battlemaster:
Your story is good and I can't wait to read the entire finished product. I like your format in your story and how you deliver the story. You set the scene first then proceed to telling your tell so that your reader is able to imagine what happens as they read your story. It's detailed but not too detail to the point of boring your readers. The fact that you also show this war can tear apart even a mother and son had me smiling during the back and forth between Storm and Isaac.


Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked the format, I really wasn't sure how it would work out. And yeah, I do enjoy some good family-drama. The next chapter of the story will have to wait until the war starts, because I've exhausted all of my ideas for build-up. I'm not sure exactly how long the story will be, but I know that I want to cover the beginning, middle, and end of the war, and I want an epilogue to cover the aftermath.



Muchiha -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (1/31/2013 14:54:08)

TO the following (amazing) writers:

UnderSoul, flashbang, She Ratchet, battlemaster25, Tep Itaki, Trainz_07. The White Knight, and Archmopecake:

I will have my reviews up for all you updates to your stories soon. Classes are in session for me. I'm currently typing this at my IT class (Ooooooh rebel xD) Anyway, I expect my reviews come tomorrow morning (Feb 1) at the latest. Keep it up everyone! I've never seen such great talent in the War Stories forum [;)]

EDIT: Major exam coming up tomorrow. Sorry everyone I'll try to get that review done by tomorrow afternoon.



UnderSoul -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (1/31/2013 15:50:51)

I put up the next part. It's my first battle scene, so don't go too hard on me.



battlemaster25 -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (1/31/2013 16:44:05)

I've added Chapter III. It doesn't have much action in it, but don't worry, there will be plenty of that later. The idea here was that this is basically the last bit of build-up.



Cataclysm -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (1/31/2013 20:57:52)

I haven't written anything for awhile. I suppose I ought to change that, yes?

The prologue has been written and posted up.



Sir Nicholas -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (1/31/2013 22:35:04)

There. I have now posted my own take on this war's opening battle. I have created a new character specifically for this purpose, and I will explain more about him in the following chapters. For now, enjoy my take on army-vs.-army based combat.

Be advised, I try to use actual military strategy in my posts - so expect the paladins to be quite advanced in their method of warfare. They are, after all, a knightly brotherhood consisting of zealous crusaders. So I would expect them to at least have some form of siege weapons.

http://local.yahoo.com/info-34580220-zaxby-s-snellville?csz=Snellville,+GA



Elryn -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (1/31/2013 22:43:23)

I did not mention it, but I did add my prologue as well. I will try and read stories while warring



UnderSoul -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (1/31/2013 22:45:39)

I hope everyone likes my story.



Elryn -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (1/31/2013 23:20:19)

Your story is interesting and entertaining, Undersoul. If I could offer one piece of constructive criticism, it would be that the story feels rushed at times. Take the time to describe the surroundings, to get into the characters, build suspense. Other than that, it is fine.



Sir Nicholas -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 0:48:53)

Any feedback, critiques, or criticisms (constructive please) is welcome. I wish to know how I can improve my story, before I begin to add on to it. I hope I have pleased my readers.



UnderSoul -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 0:54:43)

@Nicholas I like it, it's verbose and captivating. The pro-Paladin bias is so strong you could dent steel with it, and the story isn't half-bad either. Keep up the good work. What do you think of mine?



Trainz_07 -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 2:11:43)

@Elryn Your prologue was well thought out, I really applaud your finesse at writing descriptions (which I am incredibly envious of), and the pacing is remarkably smooth. Looking forward to the continuation of your story.



Tep Itaki -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 6:20:00)

@Elryn: Your prologue piqued my interests. I hope to read more and find out what's happening and why you chose such a scene as your prologue.

@Sir Nicholas & @Cataclysm: I don't have time to read your stories now...and all the other stories and their updated versions, but after the war I'll be able to.

Also, the third chapter, Storm of War, is up. Please tell me what you think of it and your critiques if you have the time. Thank you very much.



Trainz_07 -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 7:02:37)

@ Tep Itaki

quote:

Tep had finally succeeded at appearing at the battlefield


Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it should be 'succeed in'. 'Succeed at' seems to imply prospering in something, where as 'succeed in' indicate accomplishing something.

quote:

a handful of necromancers didn't take too kindly of accepting the paladins as their allies but couldn't sway their peer's decision and broke from the mass


Should be 'to'

quote:

I smelled flesh of the living with my undead attacker."


Should be smelled the flesh of the living. Grammar aside, I was a bit confused when I came across this because...can someone actually smell the flesh of the living? Unless your character is gifted with a unique sense of smell.

quote:

"And I sensed no life with the paladin I was fighting,"


Should be within

Moving on to the actual plot, I was intrigued by the inclusion of a mass illusion spell, but I was hoping that you would explain its origin, because it appears that someone unaffiliated with either side cast the spell. Overall I thought it was a solid chapter that provided a helpful insight into the happenings in the war. Good job!


Oh and by the way I've posted the 2nd chapter to my story. Chapter 3 will probably come along when the war meters reach halfway.



Tep Itaki -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 7:21:54)

Thank you Trainz. I actually was writing it while fighting and was rushed to get the chapter out. Now I know the follies of doing so.

About Artimix's sense of smell. Yes, it's a bit unique. Then again, when you're living under the roof with a younger twin(by 10 seconds) whose experiments tend to blow up every 5 seconds, you start to develop better nose to detect the differences between a lot of stuff so that you don't walk in a room and have it blow up on you.

But I think I'll better clarify it so that the readers don't get as confused. Thanks! I used the bug in the current war as an idea for this chapter.

As for the spell, yes, it will be clarified much later on. It's one of the reasons why Tep fought a battle against a Paladin, like what my character page say.

EDIT: Added a small part to Artimix's explanation about how both him and Rixi did get hit by the illusion spell. Part serves to broaden the view, so to speak.



Golden Emperor -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 13:23:31)

I finished reading your war story Tep, a great piece of writing! The buildup to the war was excellent and I liked the explanation to what happened at the start of the war lol. I am looking forward to what's to come. [:D]



Sir Nicholas -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 15:41:22)

Thank you. I have added another chapter, although this one is slightly more personel based. Hadrian has just begun to fight - and he and his brothers display their powers.

Its now that the tide will start to turn, and the humans will begin to lose - as is reflected in the scores.

I'm REALLY hoping the paladins win, but hey, no matter what - we can all make some great stories. Well done, everybody. Well done indeed.



UnderSoul -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 15:48:12)

@Nicholas I like it. A quality story from the other side's view always piques my interest. What do you think of mine?

Next part of my story's up. It's darker and sadder.


Post edited to combine double-posting, which isn't allowed. Please use the 'Edit' button to add to/change your posts. Thanks!

M4B



flashbang -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 19:41:55)

@US I like your story. The deatail you put into it is amazing. This part was so Dark and Sad though.

Part Three is up!



Travis Touchdown -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 21:13:53)

So, I'm working on part 2 of my story. I think I've got something figured out...

EDIT: I like DD's story. It really adds context to all of ours, I think.



UnderSoul -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 21:17:16)

@Travis And what of mine?



Travis Touchdown -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 21:20:55)

I like the character driven nature of yours, US. It adds a certain something that most stories don't... a lot of war stories only focus on the writer's character (mine included), whereas yours really encapsulates the whole "we're all in this mess together" feel. It's a very nice quality that I think really ties a lot of our stories together-- and I think that bond will get even stronger as a few more people start inserting other people into their work (I know Tep is, and I think there were a couple of others-- if we can avoid inconsistencies this will be AWESOME)



UnderSoul -> RE: =AQ= Edge of Extinction War Stories and Poems Commentary (2/1/2013 21:23:09)

@Travis Glad you like it. Yours is rather intriguing as well.



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