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RE: MM's Fooetry ~ Comments Thread. Two new poems up. Go read!

 
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9/17/2008 17:32:52   
~Shade~
Member

I really love this one too. Can't say much more than Firefly did. In fact... it describes me SO well, I'm going to start wearing a tinfoil hat to protect myself from mindreading thingies.

~Shade~
Post #: 76
9/18/2008 16:00:41   
Mistermafio
Member

@Master Samak

Thank you so much for the critique, I feel so bad about not replying to it earlier >.<

I fixed everything you suggested in Loneliness.I agree that the with a certain flair line wasn't badly thought off. :^P (ego alert! Someone insult my poetry!)

The first thing you mention in Oh! Brother I couldn't fix.
The comma you notice in point two has to do with the way I read the poem in my mind and -indeed- isn't needed. I've removed that.
Point five I haven't changed either as I think that's very much fine as it is... Stubborn little MM that I am :^P

The rest I did change.

I love your comments, they help me a lot. I'm glad you like my poems and I can't wait til you get the time to critique something again.

@Firefly
Thanks, I'm honoured by every word in that post. I'm glad you liked it. ^>^

@~Shade~
Lol, don't do that! How am I supposed to get ideas for poetry /now/? Thinking of it myself? I beg your pardon. :^P
I'm glad you liked it ^>^
AQ  Post #: 77
9/18/2008 18:49:30   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Hmm, it looks like MS is critiquing the poems. I guess I'll prioritize typing my thoughts and critique the select poems later, after MS is done with them. =P That gives me the better chance of brutality, I mean, that gives me... ah, um, okay, I'll be quiet.

If you keep writing poems at this rate, I'll never be able to choose from all of them. =P

Oh, and btw, are you gonna give the Jerenda requests proper titles? Because one of them I think has potential, but it might be better off with a title. Just a suggestion. ;)
AQ  Post #: 78
9/19/2008 15:52:45   
Mistermafio
Member

As I said before, take all the time you need. I can wait for many more months if you need that long to type your thoughts up and everything. ^>^

Heh, now you've almost made me feel bad about putting up my newest poem Dreaming of you :^P

Eh, I guess I could give them proper titles, but I'd rather only do that when it's needed. As I'm quite happy with how they are called now, for the forums at least.

/me snugs Firefly, thank's for your support. I appreciate everything ^>^
AQ  Post #: 79
9/19/2008 17:07:44   
Mistermafio
Member

New poem up

I'm not sure any more

Have you ever been sure?
AQ  Post #: 80
9/20/2008 7:02:35   
Mistermafio
Member

This is the twentysecond poem I've written between September the fourth and today.
This is starting to grow a bit more then just being on a roll. >.<

Its rare: unusually happy

I'd like to thank Ana_Maria for helping me with the title and parts of the poem itself. ^> ^
It's much appreciated Ana
AQ  Post #: 81
9/21/2008 17:19:53   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Overall comment

I'm writing this as a list of which poems are my favourite/I think have the greatest chance of publication. I hope this will help you decide and pick out the poems.

Once you pick out the poems, be sure to tell me which ones they are and I'll have my critique for them ready. ;)

This list will be divided into three parts. The first parts are ones that, imo, really have potential. The second are those I think you should give a try, and the third I think are also good, just not as good as the others.

Any poems I don't mention I probably think aren't very suitable for publication, for whatever reason. However, that doesn't have much to do with their quality; everything you write is good--printing and reading these poems made me respect you all the more as a poet.

I only read up to "Hey There" Anything afterwards might have to wait before I can give my opinion.

On poems I do put in any of the parts, I'll include a short description of why I think it's good.

This is completely based on my opinion, my preferences, and my experience in what publishers might look for in poems. Feel free to disagree, and I know I might be incorrect.

Part One:
Silence: One of the best ones in there. Very short, but very powerful. I think this really has potential.
WWII: Lovely double-twist. I think if you find someplace for war poetry, this really is fitting. I do have some critiques for a few lines that were off though.
The Road to Infinity: ...What can I say? I'm telling you, this is the my absolute, undeniable favourite poem by you. It's also tied at first place my favourite poem in L&L with Dizzy's My Home and a few of .Silence's poems. I do some critique for it if you choose this poem. I think this /really/ has potential. It's beautiful, MM, just beautiful. In fact, tell you something: this poem is one of the two inspirations of why I decided to add an epilogue to Mirrors of Perfection.
The Idiot: Very nice twist at the end. I think this has a lot of potential; I read a famous published poem with the same format (though not the same topic).
Pinned Against the Exit of the Train Station: Amazing. I love how you captured the theme here. I really don't know what to say. You've gotta take this one somewhere. =P
Jerenda's Request - 2: I really suggest you get a title for this, 'cause it's got potential. The ending was very powerful. While you might be pressed to find places that like this style, it's undeniable that this is very well written in its own right.
The Room: I liked how powerful this was, as well as how you portrayed human emotions here.
Yesterday's Sorrow: Good concept, and quite powerful.

Part Two:
Sounds: Very powerful ending and I liked how you titled this.
Crying: Nice and simple; makes sense in a good, solid way.
I Am: Twisted, but powerful. ;)
Hel: Great imagery and examples here. Strong, solid work. If you find the right place, this definitely has potential.
Hello You: I liked the figurative meaning here a lot.
The Cool Autumn Day: I like the way you portrayed your narrator here. It's very powerful.
Well How's Your Life: Depth and theme make this poetic story really strong.
The Music: I really enjoyed the structure and realism you portrayed here.
My Loved One: Great structure and down-to-earth wording.
Paranoia: The emotion feels very real and powerful here.
The Hysteric Lunatic: Shouldn't that be "hysterical"? =P Anyways, I think this is quite well written as long as you edit it a bit. ;)
The Fall through Eternity: I like the flow and language here.
The Shadow of Night: Makes sense solidly. I like it, and the structure is creative.

Part Three:
The Life of Rain: Very good figurative and literal meaning along with nice imagery. There are a few lines that can be changed. If you wish me to critique this, I certainly will point those out.
Christmas Past: Very well written. Perhaps you can publish in a series with Christmas Future & Present (if you fix up some of the iffy lines ect.)? Many magazines take more than one poem from a poet at a time. Though, it'll have to be for seasonal stuff due to the topic. =P
How: This has potential, though I think the ending could've been stronger. I'll elaborate on that in the future if you want.
Schoolwork: I really liked this one. Not sure if it's publishing material, but I liked it. =P
I Wait for You: This has an interesting concept. I see potential here.
He: It's twisted, not a surprising as your usual, but still powerful.
Childhood: You really captured the theme well here.
Rage: This is extremely distinctive and thus captures the attention.
Those Lonely Nights: Powerful, unique, amazing.
Untitled: (the really short one) If you give it a title, I think it might have potential along with other poems put together. I think I've already said: most magazines will buy a series of poems from a person to showcase their varied talents.
Hey You, Moviestar: Some parts might need some touching up, but the concept is very good.
Memories (Shade's Request): Might need a bit more transition, but it's nonetheless powerful.
Cherry Blosson Apple-pie: No, really, don't laugh! I'm only noting this in case you find a market for humour/satire/light-heartedness. This will fit right in! =P

I'll see if I'll have time to include the later poems in the list soon.

_____________________________

AQ  Post #: 82
9/22/2008 12:18:12   
Mistermafio
Member

Thank you so much for that comment Firefly.
*snugs*

I'm having to think a bit about which poems I want critiqued, but when I find out I'll let you know. ^>^

As you can see I'm in a bit of a hurry, dropping of two new poems and leaving again FTW, not?

My day
Strange behaviour
AQ  Post #: 83
9/22/2008 15:10:42   
Mistermafio
Member

In love with an idea

What? Yet another poem? That Mistermafio must be crazy...

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 9/22/2008 15:11:01 >
AQ  Post #: 84
9/23/2008 15:13:08   
Mistermafio
Member

Walking through a dark room

In and out, new poem, enjoy ^>^
AQ  Post #: 85
9/23/2008 15:21:14   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

Haha I loved the ending, glad to see you're sticking to your style of writing.

And could this dark room possibly be...oh I don't know...life? >:^D
AQ DF  Post #: 86
9/23/2008 15:32:26   
Mistermafio
Member

Good to see you liked it Sairex. It means a lot to me when someone like you says that. ^>^

And that dark room could very well be life... Are you reading my mind again? :^P
AQ  Post #: 87
9/24/2008 8:21:02   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

Someone like me? A cynic that hates 80% of the things mankind creates? Yeah, I guess you should be flattered :D

*cough*I have a new song posted*cough*
AQ DF  Post #: 88
9/24/2008 12:38:24   
Mistermafio
Member

Lol, that, and the fact you are an awesome poet.

*cough*I'm very bad with hints. You'd better just ask *cough*


Anyway, new poem!

I asked myself a question
AQ  Post #: 89
9/25/2008 10:05:58   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hey!

Long since I last visited your thread and now I'm here for a couple of random comments for three of your poems.

In love with an idea
I'm in love with the idea of this poem, lol. I'd hope for a little more elaboration, though. How does it feel, being in love with the idea, apart from being happy?
(pssst: no typos! =P)

Walking through a dark room
quote:

I'm torn between which one to follow,
through this dark, invisible maze.
My heart knows where it wants to be,
but my mind knows the better ways.

These are very effective and beautiful lines. Especially the last two that very simplistically yet clearly display the contraction about human decision-making, if you'll allow me to put it in such a fancy way. =P

quote:


And in the mean time
I'm just trying to figure out
where I myself want to go.

Sigh...
I just realised,

When the lines are so reduced, cleaned out, as they are here, that repetition of the little word 'just' sticks out, imho. Have you considered leaving that first instance out?
(pssst: still no typos! =P)

I asked myself a question
quote:

But some weeks ago I asked myself a questio.n,

Typoed...

quote:

No it's nothing complicated,
not about life or about the world.

Maybe only a matter of preference, but I'd put a comma after 'No'.
Also, I think that 'or' should be 'nor.'

I'm hooked on a certain national science magazine that has this regular "Astronomy"-column in every issue. The "size of the universe" and "the life outside earth" are often pondered on about there. Those are not simple questions; hence I like your labeling of them very simple in contrast to seemingly far more simpler questions that are usually avoided.
Good theme. =)
DF  Post #: 90
9/25/2008 10:15:48   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

Loved the new one. Somehow your poems remind me of myself, of my life...it's creepy and awesome. This last poem reminded me of my inside monologues about life and the unexplainable things of our world. Good job, my friend.

...and ok, I'll ask: GO A READ A MY A NEW A SONG!

I'm such a jerk :3
AQ DF  Post #: 91
9/26/2008 14:02:53   
Mistermafio
Member

Thank you guys very much, I'll reply to your comments as soon as I find the time to do so. (probably later tonight)

til then here's something that could get a smile on your face:

Sunday
&&
Laying here

I'm happy, will you be happy with me?
AQ  Post #: 92
9/26/2008 14:25:17   
Sentharn
Member

I'd love being happy with you, unfortunately, at the moment I am torn between staying with a community as it sinks into the endless abyss of the Internet, or abandoning it whilst the ship still floats.

Although I really like "Sunday". Hey, maybe if we all start being nice to Sunday, we'll get two sundays!

I'd comment on Laying Here, but since I have zero experience with true love...
Post #: 93
9/26/2008 15:40:39   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

Sunday was nice, reading it made me remember some major chords.

Laying Here was very impressive, it's nice to see a poet not losing his writing principals whilst under the influence of strong emotions.

And I'm happy for you, man. Good luck!

_____________________________

AQ DF  Post #: 94
9/26/2008 16:03:53   
Mistermafio
Member

Well, it seems I found the time to pen a thank you down right now. So I'll do that.

@Fabula
...
<.<
>.>

FABULA!!!!!!1!111!1!one!!11!
Good to see you again, it's always nice seeing you. ^>^

I'll be fleshing out "I'm in love with a dream" soon... That is, if I find the time <.<
I'm glad you liked them lines in "walking through a dark room" they where my favourite lines to write. I'll be looking to that just thing when I flesh out I'm in love with a dream
Them typo's things in "I asked myself a question" are fixed though.

I'm glad you liked the theme of that one too. ^>^

@Sairex
Glad you liked it, I guess I should start handing out tinfoil hats to my readers though.

anyway, there's a clue I can work with :^P
I don't mind it if you ask, don't feel bad about it. It's not like you're forcing me or anything.

and @ Senth
Well, from what I've read abondoning might be the smart thing to do. I'm sure you'll find something better then it anyway. Seeing as how you are awesome and this is the internet... That's always a good combo.

I'm glad you like Sunday, it's my favourite day at least.
And to be honest, my experience with true love isn't that inmense either. Just do what feels best to do and often it'll turn out to /be/ the best to do.
AQ  Post #: 95
9/26/2008 16:09:32   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

I have one issue with Laying Here though.

All of your poems remind me of something that is related to me. My thoughts, my life, my feelings. But this new poem...nothing. Not even something i could daydream about...blank. Don't get me wrong, it's still a masterpiece...

Perhaps I'm just not that kind of person...
AQ DF  Post #: 96
9/28/2008 16:35:07   
Mistermafio
Member

Hmm, maybe you aren't, Sairex. Maybe you just aren't right now. Who knows. :^)

Anyway
Another collab poem. This one by me and Firefly (be sure to check her Poems of Fire. They are awesome) I'll be writing in my normal colour, though unbolded this time and Firefly will be writing in this funky shade of pink red ;^). We hope you enjoy it.

Breaking free
AQ  Post #: 97
9/28/2008 17:18:44   
jerenda
Member

I have not posted on this yet... sadness. *huggles* Sorry for neglecting you, MM.

So, about Breaking free.

First off, I loved it. The blending of two unique yet similar voices was spectacular, and the fact that you did it with no planning makes it even better. Very deep, very well-thought-out.
Now, because I can't resist, I object.

quote:

it used to laugh me in the face.
Something went slightly wrong here, MM dearest. That line makes no sense at all.
quote:

If I would stop listening to your blabbering
Okay, that was funny. I laughed.
quote:

But something changed,
I think that needs one more beat, though that might just be me.
I like the next stanza- very deep.

*claps and cheers and showers with confetti*

< Message edited by jerenda -- 9/28/2008 17:22:29 >


_____________________________

EC! EC! EC~
AQ DF  Post #: 98
9/29/2008 11:51:09   
Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

Wow...awesome. I didn't even know Firefly wrote poetry, you guys make a pretty good team. The poem is splendid.

By the way, care to do a collab with me someday?
AQ DF  Post #: 99
9/29/2008 14:26:44   
Mistermafio
Member

Oh! Jolly! Comments!

Jer, Jer, Jer... Jer.

...

Jer.
Have I told you I kinda like that name already? :^P

Anyway, thanks for the comment, I really appreciate it. ^>^
I'm very glad you liked it, and I'm sure Firefly is too.

I changed the first thing, to make it /even worse/! Hah! Take that Jer! >.> <.< No, seriously, I changed it but I ain't sure if it's for the better. Lol, I'm slowly growing brain-dead.
I also slightly editted the last thing, as I agreed with you.

/me is showered in confetti

Sairex, dude
*^5's* :^P

Yes, Firefly writes poetry, very good poetry too. You should totally check her out if you haven't done yet. You won't regret it.
Glad to see you liked it.

And of course, I'd be honoured to collab with you someday. Poke me on IRC when you and I have time
AQ  Post #: 100
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