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6/27/2008 3:23:44

_Depression
Member

xD I read once, "Don't ask for advice from your local book club." I didn't take that advice. So I take yours. =)

AQ	Post #: 26

6/27/2008 3:26:34

mastin2
Member

Don't forget: I edit my posts a lot. By the way, have you noticed how you've already got two pages so fast from just me reading your story in a few hours?

quote:

But still he continued, "So

I'd add a comma after 'still', maybe one after 'But'.

quote:

pyrrhic victory yes, but victory nonetheless

I'd add a comma after 'victory', or just remove the 'yes,'. (Also, spellcheck dislikes 'pyrrhic'.)

quote:

And I have in general come to like my animalistic

I'd add a comma after 'have' and 'general'.

quote:

that she herself cannot see it. And then

I'd add a comma after 'she' and 'herself'.

quote:

the word brother pass through deaf

How about putting emphasis on 'brother'. Like I just did there.

"the word 'brother' pass through deaf"

Oh, and by the way...

spoiler:

I kinda got sick of seeing so...many...*censored*...first person chapters! When you DO finally go back to third, my mind is set on first, not third! Try to space them out a little, kay?

quote:

and as usual the sunrise was predominantly scarlet

I'd add a comma after 'and' and 'usual'.

quote:

grabbed up her bathing cloth as she opened

grabbed up? Me is confused...

quote:

Down the hall yet another door opened

I'd put a comma after 'hall'.

quote:

Again he said a hearty good

I'd slow down the pace here with a comma after 'Again', but that's just me...

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 3:39:24 >

Post #: 27

6/27/2008 3:37:37

_Depression
Member

I sowwy... *scared to mastin's wrath*

AQ	Post #: 28

6/27/2008 3:41:05

mastin2
Member

Nah, it's fine. It took me about...oh, one second...to adjust back.

quote:

got here, how should I know

I'd either change the comma to a semicolon or add 'so' before 'how'.

quote:

have no clue, ask Aria

I'd change that comma to a semicolon. Or make it the start of a new sentence.

quote:

from each other, Inyro and Ryan waited for Sarah

I'd change that comma to a period.

quote:

After a few minutes he accepted her request, and the two walked into Castle Aethon, talking about the boy's being a werewolf.

I'd put a comma after 'minutes'. Also, "boy's" should be just 'boy', lest I be mistaking/misinterpreting.

quote:

Silently he pushed past her, walking slowly

I'd put a comma after 'Silently'.

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 3:51:46 >

Post #: 29

6/27/2008 3:48:38

_Depression
Member

English teacher taught that possessive case was necessary in that situation... =/ Can't remember why.

AQ	Post #: 30

6/27/2008 3:53:23

mastin2
Member

Meh, I could be wrong, but it didn't seem right...

quote:

as she swayed on her feet she turned her head up. The boy still

I'd put a comma after 'feet'.

quote:

and with a sigh Aria sat as well, all the

I'd put a comma after 'sigh'.

Well, at the last refresh (a couple minutes ago), that's all you have uploaded! All 15 chapters. I can't wait for you to upload more later!

-Mastin

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 3:56:26 >

Post #: 31

6/27/2008 3:58:23

_Depression
Member

xD I'll be sleeping for ohh... 6 hours at least, then going to the movies with friends for my b-day. (whoo-hoo)

I'll get back on tomorrow night. =D

AQ	Post #: 32

6/28/2008 0:36:08

_Depression
Member

Chapter 18 is released.

AQ	Post #: 33

6/29/2008 10:49:21

Arthur The Brave One
Member

Very good story, I loved it!

Too bad it's only 18 chapters right now... write more, I'm bored :P

Also instead you've changed from Queen of Light to Goddess of Light at some point, and also, you made this little mistake:

quote:

I dashed after him, hoping to catch him and cut short his deadly plans. I saw the boy on the hill, holding the Queen of Winds tightly against his chest, as if that alone could protect her from the death he surely knew was coming closer.

Truly an awesome story.... *sighs*

Post #: 34

6/29/2008 16:44:41

mastin2
Member

Yay! I'm back and reading now!

I left off at 15, the last you had uploaded when I left...now, for more reading! (Please do forgive me if I make a typo or two in my corrections that I fail to fix--After not typing for a while, a keyboard takes some getting used to.)

quote:

I dunno, you'd have to see it for yourself

I'd make that comma a semicolon or the start of a new sentence.

spoiler:

The part about Ewan looking at Gaia's heart was somewhat...predictable. I had thought that since the moment Ryan brought up the topic of magic to her...yea, that long.

Am I just unusual in my prediction skills?

quote:

not at the young mage but at the girl beside

I'd put a comma after 'mage'.

quote:

princess say she can get the blue clothes

By the way he was talking, it could've been intentional, but I do believe 'say' should be 'said'.

And for that matter, the whole sentence. (By the sound if it, definitely intentional, but just making sure...)

quote:

part of this family, you can't stop

I'd make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

Me and the princess have known each other

*Coughs* Shame on you. 'The princess and I'.

quote:

Me and my partner will take them

*ahem*. 'My partner and I'.

quote:

Yes, can I ask what business

I'd make that comma a period and start a new sentence.

quote:

before they too turned to their

personally, I'd slow down the flow there with a comma after 'they' and 'too'.

quote:

not only from the princess but from Ryan as

I'd put a comma after 'princess'.

quote:

The room was cold, and barren save for a set of three chairs along

The comma there is unnecessary, while there happens to be a missing comma after 'barren'.

quote:

unable to deny the princess he stepped forward

I'd put a comma after 'princess'.

quote:

Still people are told to marry

I'd put a comma after 'Still'.

quote:

Ryan's hurt, he needs someone to

I'd make that comma a semicolon.

quote:

and in the dead of night she stumbled

Put a comma after 'night'.

I finished and I am waiting for you to write more! Things are going to get very interesting around here...I am formulating predictions in my mind, as that one chapter has made and broken thirty of my previous theories that I had contemplated. As soon as my head stops spinning from this new info, I'll post a few. But for now, all I've got are these wild words...

An invisible war between two people has flared out of control, and allies find themselves becoming the worst enemies. People thought to be trusted turn out to be the death of their comrades, whether intentional or not. Death is sure to follow in the footsteps of those destined to either save or destroy the world of Aethon. When all the dust has settled, only a few will have survived...

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/29/2008 17:33:26 >

Post #: 35

6/29/2008 21:36:13

_Depression
Member

>.>' Umm, wow.

All of the dialog "mistakes" were intentional (including the 'me and the princess' parts... I'm not that off lol).

And I'm really going to kill you if your "theories" get any more right. Seriously, it's scaring me.

Edit: Yeah, I figured Gaia was a giveaway with that whole "faux-plot twist". My friend had actually finished reading Chapter 15 and told me he knew someone would be a tier-one mage. xD

Arthur: Thanks for catching that... wow, I really missed all that? Yeah, it's supposed to be the Goddess of Lights, but I had been contemplating both Queen of Lights and Goddess of Winds before settling on Lights. =/

< Message edited by _Depression -- 6/29/2008 21:39:10 >

AQ	Post #: 36

6/30/2008 0:28:55

mastin2
Member

ROFL!

And, yea, I thought those mistakes were intentional after I pointed them out, but I left 'em as they were just to make sure.

By the way, any idea of when you might release another chapter? (Gives me an estimate on how long I have to post my theories before they're shot dead in the water or proved spot-on. [I seem to be good at direct critical hits, or complete and total misses...])

Post #: 37

6/30/2008 22:42:09

_Depression
Member

umm... if you're gonna be posting theories (that have an uncanny ability to be close-truths), I may just not warn you about Chapter 19's probable release date at the week's end. >.>"

Don't you have other stories to theorize every major plot point of?

AQ	Post #: 38

6/30/2008 23:08:53

mastin2
Member

Yes, of course. But most I've either not gotten enough info on or have already posted a theory without a reply to it...

spoiler:

Aria, of course, by the end of the book will have been killed. It's just so obvious. When, however, I'd care NOT to speculate on. It could be anywhere, but she will die. I'd honestly be surprised if she lived.

I predict that before Aria's death, Inyro will be badly hurt, however, and unable to protect her. He may live or may die, but if he dies, it will be after Aria dies. Simply put, at Aria's death, he'll probably mutter the line his father told him...

"When that sky goes black for eight nights straight, then the goodness of man and all life is gone, and the Queen of Lights is dead."

I'd be disappointed if he never mutters this line, actually, even if both he and Aria live.

Breeze could live or she could die. If she dies, Ryan manages to avenge her death. Or maybe not. If she dies, then Ryan could turn a little evil/insane and try to kill the others, mainly Aria. Andy did say 'what he'll do to her', which we are supposed to interpret as killing. However, it is equally possible that he just causes some sort of great harm to her. It is also possible to be emotional, but when she's lost so much, that is somewhat doubtful. (Practically the only way I can see it happening is if she falls in love again)

And we're assuming 'he' is Ryan. It doesn't necessarily have to be Ryan, though that is what we're supposed to think.

Going back to Breeze and the possibility of her dying: In the end, someone will take down the ultimate evil in her memory. However, I wish to believe that she'll live. 50/50% chance, actually.

Ewan: Three main possibilities: 1: He is killed for no apparent reason. Simple as that. It doesn't mater who kills him, but that is the theory. 2: He lives to become the next great sage. ALL the characters can't experience tragedy, so this would be a way to show that not all encounter sadness, if most do. 3: He dies/gets badly wounded trying to help another. He could also possibly 'finally see his limit' by facing an opponent stronger than him and, of course, losing.

A fourth possibility is that he joins Cronois, under the impression that it is the way he'll be able to help the greatest amount of people. Or even less likely is the fact that he joins Cronois and was outright lying about wanting to help others.

...But in any case, no matter the outcome, I do believe that he'll either achieve, or set in motion events leading to peace.

That's all the characters I wish to speculate about for now. Of course these are only the tip of the iceberg, but I'm not ready to reveal many of 'em.

-M's rambling is over.

Post #: 39

6/30/2008 23:16:03

_Depression
Member

I'm guessing Gaia and Kristen are all too new for you to consider? And Sarah and Robina aren't developed enough?

Oh, and I'm glad that, for once, you're not too sure about your theory. I feel good having things clouded in mystery again. xD

AQ	Post #: 40

6/30/2008 23:29:37

mastin2
Member

Actually, the only theories that I was pretty sure about were the ones that I predicted before I read, such as the one about

spoiler:

Ewan looking at Gaia's Heart

Those I was sure about. Ones that were just wild guesses are the ones such as the above and the ones in your other thread--all of those are crazy, wild, insane guesses. Of course I wasn't sure about 'em. But I can safely say that I am just as sure as I was with all the others 'cept for the (two, I believe) ones I already posted (telling how predictable they were) in here. It's just kinda creepy how many are right...

And, no, they are not too new/undeveloped. They are coming NEXT, along with maybe a few others about those already posted. (And quite technically, I haven't posted any about Ryan)

-M

Post #: 41

6/30/2008 23:39:58

_Depression
Member

xD True, I missed the (technical) protagonist of the story. Wow. Ryan gets no love (as the outtakes proved, lol).

Oh, and I still have three more major characters to introduce into the story (I want to get them in by Chapter 22), as well as a few more plot twists. You may want to hold off on a couple of those character theories until Chapter 19's up, bud. Not to deter you, just... yeah.

AQ	Post #: 42

6/30/2008 23:51:20

mastin2
Member

Advice that I am more than happy to take as long as no major plot twist blows a hole in more than a dozen theories, which is about one posted theory, give or take.

Post #: 43

7/2/2008 20:05:27

Dantmotckc
Member

sorry, but how do you pronounce "Cronois"? It seems like "kron ("o" as in pond) OY - ss"
but then again I could be wrong.

Post #: 44

7/3/2008 0:07:58

mastin2
Member

Unless the author states how to say it, it's up to the reader.

I say it

Cro-no-is. (You know, like 'Crono'. Croh-noh. As for the 'is', it's 'iss', like 'hiss'.)

Either that, or

Cro-nois (Croh-nois. nois is like 'noise' without the 'e' and similarly, the effect of the 'e' is dropped. The 's' is an 's', not a 'z'.)

Just my little ways. But that is a good question. How d'ya say it, 'Deppy'? (I need a nickname to call you...)

-M

Post #: 45

7/3/2008 2:23:02

_Depression
Member

>.>' Mastin, you can use "Dep".

And yeah, I probably should've said something about the pronunciations...

Cronois is pronounced like, "Chron-wa". Think of it as being French, it has the same ending sound as "au revoir"

Edit: And in case you were wondering...

Aberythstye = "Ab-err-ith-stee"
Aria = "Ar-ee-uh"
Aethon = "AA-thon"
Ewan = "E-wan"
Inyro = "In-EAR-oh"
Torbold = "Tore-bold"

xD I was bored

< Message edited by _Depression -- 7/3/2008 2:40:08 >

AQ	Post #: 46

7/3/2008 2:35:51

mastin2
Member

Well, good to know! (...that was different than what I expected.)

(Oh, and I rarely call someone the same nickname that another does--feels lick copying. But, meh. Not really important.)

Teh weekend approcheth... (And I could not be more happy--Seriously, I swear it seems sometimes that this story's taking over my mind! Thinking of the chapters, predictions, etc. Is that...weird?)

Post #: 47

7/3/2008 2:42:23

_Depression
Member

...It's not weird if it's my story it happens with. =P

Yeah, you're not the only one to say that about AF, to tell the truth. A friend from school once threatened me if I didn't get the next chapter done, lol. I feel so loved.

And, yeah, I'm glad I put that self-deadline at Friday. I've been on the computer, writing, for all of 45 minutes since I said that. x___X

AQ	Post #: 48

7/7/2008 2:04:19

mastin2
Member

Lemme guess: Two days after the deadline you set, you've spent...two hours and fifteen minutes on it? (Or still 45 minutes.)

(Pstt...)

spoiler:

1. I'm not good at diversity. Going into different genres of reading or writing is difficult for me, and eventually everything has an angel in it.
2. Speaking of angels... I seem to have a deeply-developed love of angels. Not a simple, "oh, they're a nice touch," but a serious "No angel, no deal" connection.

Would the 'angel' in this story happen to be Aria?

Yes, Just now saw that. Yay for crazy assumptions! :)

-M

Post #: 49

7/7/2008 8:20:36

_Depression
Member

I've been on the computer, but 95% of the time I was on, my parents were hassling me about getting off.

So I'm just about done. x___x

spoiler:

Well, mastin, I'm happy to say, "Bzzt, wrong."

AQ	Post #: 50

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