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RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments]

 
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9/2/2009 22:34:49   
_Depression
Member

lol you don't need to worry about critiquing the rewrites, I'm almost done with them offline, and I want to get them all compiled before I sent them to friends for proofreading. So if you feel overwhelmed at all (which you shouldn't be), stick to the new chapters.
AQ  Post #: 176
9/21/2009 13:02:38   
styles1005
Member

Yay, somewhere I can post. Absolutely love the work, keep it up! Very well-built characters, ok plot, good fight scenes. WAIT . . . YOU'RE GETTING IT PUBLISHED? Is it going to be under the same name? Is it going to be published soon? Just keep up writing like that and I don't really care. Cannot wait, I will be saving up. BTW . . . How old are you _Dep? I'm trying to beat the record of the youngest author I know of, as of right now that is 15. Again cannot wait for this in book form.
AQ  Post #: 177
10/9/2009 22:04:52   
_Depression
Member

...I'm 18. lol

And just to keep this from dying (too late lol), I'm still working, and hope to have a new chapter released every month. If I set a deadline for myself, I might be able to keep it. Besides, I need to, to prove that I deserve my shiny new Creative! title. =3
AQ  Post #: 178
1/11/2010 23:05:48   
_Depression
Member

GESWUT

THERE'S AN UPDATE IN THE AUTHOR'S FANTASY UNIVERSE. SEE THE OUTTAKES THREAD!!!!!!!!!
AQ  Post #: 179
1/12/2010 14:34:37   
deathwalker05
Member

quote:

Serenity was more focused on finding her now missing bottle of beer than she was on Serenity's questions, and ignored her as she glanced up and down


Aria's questions

Didn't really see any future hints besides that that character is coming into it.
AQ  Post #: 180
1/12/2010 17:15:53   
_Depression
Member

No no no, I meant future from the point that the story takes place in relation to where the main story is. The main implications are that, obviously, Aria, Breeze, and Ryan are all still alive, and that they are still in Prague. Other than that, there are a few other subtler ideas being expressed, but if you don't see them, don't worry about it.
AQ  Post #: 181
1/18/2010 0:33:04   
_Depression
Member

Hey, guess what?

Chapter 29.
AQ  Post #: 182
1/18/2010 10:20:52   
deathwalker05
Member

Good chapter, took me a few minutes to remember the story, but i got it =)
AQ  Post #: 183
1/18/2010 18:33:51   
_Depression
Member

Yeah, that's my fault for releasing chapters so slowly. x__x

I'm already working on 30 though, so hopefully this one will come out sooner than later.
AQ  Post #: 184
3/23/2010 3:11:07   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


*nicked to read later* Probably won't have time to critique... but read, I can do.


EDIT: *hides in a corner and cries, confidence in own writing skill shattered* I feel like an imposter of a writer next to this. Around halfway done reading. =]

EDIT2: Finished reading.

< Message edited by demolitiondragon -- 3/27/2010 23:16:21 >
Post #: 185
3/30/2010 13:42:52   
_Depression
Member

Whoo! Another reader! Hahaha thanks man, if you've got any comments I'd love to hear them.
AQ  Post #: 186
4/1/2010 21:12:24   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


I started reading before, _Dep. Therefore, the return of a reader. ;)

Comments coming soonish, got a few other things that need writing atm.
Post #: 187
4/4/2010 0:48:55   
_Depression
Member

Lol thanks man, and speaking of "coming soon", I'm hoping I can have chapter 30 out sooooooon
AQ  Post #: 188
6/28/2010 2:19:17   
mastin2
Member

Has it...really been over a year? (Well, yes.)
...Year and a half?!? (Not quite, but getting there.)

Dang. I've had a pretty messed up life, to say the least (on the bright side, at least I finally have finished a novel ), so sorry for having been gone for so long. As it so happens, right now, I'm on vacation. (A vacation which ends in two days, so I don't have a lot of time.) Meaning, a lot more time to kill than normal. ;) (In other words, as much as I want to, I can't make this a regular thing--it's only for a couple of days, and then, back to my normal life.)

Anyway, I thought I'd spend the time critiquing some old friends, and this was one of the first names that came up. (I also have the comment threads for Fighting with Candy and Angels of Night open, in case I want to start a critique there as well. Not now, though. Before half my IE windows crashed on me, I had nearly a dozen different writers' comment threads open, and I want to get to more of them. ;))
(A warning, though--I'm over a year out of practice, so don't expect anything of high quality.)

I believe I left off at chapter 27. (My last critique was of 26, also the last chapter I remember reading.)

However, first, I need to catch up on the comment thread itself. (Kinda important.)

For starters, yea, when you do take it offline, I’d love to have a copy. (In fact, in some ways, that makes it easier to critique. For example, if it were e-mailed to me, then I could access it any time I go to my e-mail, instead of any time when I come on here. [PM’s, not possible right now. Last time I was here, I still had half my inbox available, at something like 250/400. Now? Not so much; it’s full. I’d love to clean it out, but don’t have the capability to do so on vacation.])

quote:

...I wonder where mastin went, he was always so quick to attack my new chapters, lol. I kinda miss it...
No kiddin'. I miss it, too, but real life is real life. :/
Don't worry, though—now I'm doing a three-in-one! :P

quote:

GESWUT

THERE'S AN UPDATE IN THE AUTHOR'S FANTASY UNIVERSE. SEE THE OUTTAKES THREAD!!!!!!!!!
Dang it, I was supposed to have that messenger conversation with ya over a year ago about a new outtake. But stuff happens (Computer getting so bad that the hard-drive had to be wiped…twice…and it still didn’t work, new computer not having YIM, and by the time Yahoo built Messenger into Mail [Yay!], having RL stuff come up so I couldn’t plan with you…)

Anyway, now that I’ve caught up comments-wise (well, other than reading the spoiler), I’m going to try and critique.

Here goes nothing…



(On a side-note, I just realized something rather annoying--this computer doesn't have Firefox, meaning...nope, no spellcheck. <_<)

quote:

She marked the ground in front of her with her knife, creating a tally board for her information.
I dunno about you, but if I wanted to imprison someone, the LAST thing I would do is let them keep something like a knife. Heck, with someone like Aria, even if that's a KITCHEN knife, it'd still be dangerous. :P

quote:

She knew that there were always guards patrolling outside her cell, that was marked down as a negative; she also knew she could fight and defeat the werewolves, even if they attacked her in their lupine forms, and that was a positive.
Slight note on this is that 1: This sentence (or two, if you consider the semicolon starting a new sentence) is a bit of a mouthful to me. Particularly the second half; to confirm, I actually said it out loud (starting with a fresh breath), and was nearly out of air by the end.
2: I got the message eventually, but it was a bit confusing at first. (My first thought was that she marked down guards patrolling outside her cell, then I thought guards marked on a drawing of some sort...yea.)

For starters, let's make it less of a mouthfull. The first 'that' isn't really necessary.
"She knew that there were"
"She knew there were"
--See any difference? I do--one less word to say. Other than that, nothing.

My next suggestion would be to turn the comma into a semicolon and to end the sentence at the old semicolon.

"guards patrolling outside her cell; that was marked down as a negative"
--You don't even have to make any change to the first words of after the semicolon, either, other than capping the s in 'She'.

And, with that, the only modification needed for the second sentence would be turning the last comma into a semicolon and removing the 'and'

"She also knew she could fight and defeat the werewolves, even if they attacked her in their lupine forms; that was a positive."

I dunno about you, but at least for me, that's easier to say.

It also continues into the next sentence.

quote:

However, she was unsure how many werewolves there were, and had no knowledge of the facility's layout due to her being brought from room to room in her sleep until she had awoken in her cell and been left there.
I couldn't do it all in one breath (I had to take a breath at the second comma), not to mention, it felt rather unnatural on my tongue. (Small tongue twister around the 'being brought' which lasted until 'been left' for me. I got over it the next try, but that was mostly due to having adjusted.)

My suggestion on how to fix it: Stop the sentence at 'layout'--at least briefly. Have some sort of pause. It feels like there SHOULD be something stopping the sentence right there, but it also feels like it should continue on. (I hate it when that happens, don't you?)
Now, in that situation, I'd personally use the "--"
As in,
1: "had no knowledge of the facility's layout--due to her" (mostly keeping the sentence as is, but it feels a little off)
or
2: "had no knowledge of the facility's layout--she had been brought from room to room in her sleep, after all "
Or something like that. (I dunno.)
Also possible is a colon, maybe even a semicolon; whatever feels natural. I think a break there would help improve the flow.

Ahg, I'm having trouble thinking of more ways to help with this sentence. (I hate it when no matter how much I try, whatever wording I choose for something seems...off. Ah, the joys of being a writer... :P)

Ah, well. I might get back to it later. (Moving on...)

quote:

Not only was she the Goddess of Lights, which might garner her some support, or at least some element of surprise, but she also had Suna, who knew the facility to some degree.
Another one. I thought this sentence was going to be fine. When I reached the "or", I began to doubt. When I reached the "but", I dreaded it dragging on at the "who" and was someone surprised to see it end then instead of going on further. (Sorry about my critique tone. It sounds too negative for my comfort level, right now.)
I think the best way to fix the drag here is to drop the "Not only...but also" of this sentence.
"She was the Goddess of Lights, which might garner her some support--or at least some element of surprise." (The "--" can be replaced with a comma. This is just the way I'd break it up.)
"She had Suna, who knew the facility to some degree."

It flows better, but I dunno. It might be good to have some sort of lead-in from the previous sentence (the "Not only...but also" does that right now), but as it is right now, it feels like a long sentence.

Ahg, I wish I wasn't so out of practice! >_>

quote:

She knew Matthias would chase her, and knew he expected her to run.
Ha, ha. Funny note about that name is that it brings back memories. (Not a critique, but something I found amusing.) The novel (I believe I still have the short story original version on L&L somewhere) I just finished's main character was originally called Matthias (or Mathias; I forget if it was one or two "t"s), but I thought that name didn't sound human enough so I had to choose a more mundane-sounding name. And in your story, guess what? Definitely not a human. :P
(Also, while we're on side-notes, I find it extremely...unusual...to have been away from a story for over a year...and then come back. Some things, I remember, and I have to check to make sure I'm not remembering them wrong. [Memory is an evil backstabber--it LIES...A LOT! :P] And some comments confuse me for brief miliseconds...and then it all comes rushing back to me. What characters are who, remembering everything about them, stuff like that, and doing it so well, despite the very long time since I've read, having only a few words jog my memory.)

quote:

Another voice, this one not as deep as the first, and with a distinct British accent.
Another voice what?
"Another voice spoke up", I would presume.

quote:

"It's a nice story, though. Good fantasy."
*Thinks about the title* *thinks about the beginning with Ryan* *thinks of the comment, and then of the title again*
Hmm...
Was that an intentional reminder? Or, you know, just a coincidence?
(The ending lines of the chapter make me kinda lean towards the former.)

(Side-note: Ahg, the Twilight Saga ruins your mind. Transforming to prove the story, reminder of a certain moment in the last book involving Jacob in the third part...)

Anyway, that's all I found in chapter 27. On to 28! :)
(Side-note: I just remembered the hr tag. It's been over a year since I've used it.)


quote:

Inyro ran at the side of the small shack, remembering Eric's instructions to him as he threw himself at the brick siding, pushing against the wall with his feet and reaching up to grab the edge of the roof.
Yup, ran out of breath on this one. (Might just be the fact that I have a cold.)
I like it as a chapter opener. It's a very good sentence. But it's a bit of a mouthful. I think it's something you might want to consider, but I'd personally leave it as is. (At least, for now.) It's not that bad (especially with commas), and I kinda like it. But still, something which might need to be pointed out.

quote:

pushing against the wall with his feet and reaching up to grab the edge of the roof. The moment he felt his fingers land on the horizontal surface of the roof, he snapped both feet against the wall and regripped with his hands, making sure he had enough traction against the wall before pulling himself up and onto the roof.
Note the number of "roof"s so close together. If you can think of a synonym, you might want to use it. Either that, or space out the use of the word.

Also, note the second sentence. It's similar to the first--not something I'd necessarily change, but definitely something to at least consider taking a look at.

quote:

"There's no way to get out without going through Matthias.
"out without" is a bit too repetitive for my liking. Can't use "escape", either, because that was used recently as well. Maybe "leave"? "no way to leave without". I dunno.

quote:

Ryan sat dejected in his bedroom, staring at the plate of half-eated buttered
"eated"? Sure that "d"'s not supposed to be an "n"? (eaten)

quote:

Ryan sat dejected in his bedroom, staring at the plate of half-eated buttered bread and microwaved sausage that sat on his floor, and dropped his head into his hands as he heard Breeze, in the hallway, calling her goodbyes to Sarah, Ewan, Gaia, and Robina.
Well, for one thing, this is a rather long sentence. Another thing which is bugging me is the multiple "and"s in there. Two, sure, sometimes. Three? Seems a bit much.

Simple solution: break it into multiple sentences, at the "his floor". Add a period, drop the "and", add "He" or "Ryan" in front of "dropped, and you've got a sentence of a somewhat shorter length.
"Ryan sat dejected in his bedroom, staring at the plate of half-eated buttered bread and microwaved sausage that sat on his floor. (He/Ryan) dropped his head into his hands as he heard Breeze, in the hallway, calling her goodbyes to Sarah, Ewan, Gaia, and Robina."
--Not a perfect fix (If you go with 'Ryan', there's a repetition, as you just said his name the previous sentence. If you go with 'he', then there's a repetition in that sentence). To me, it flows better, but it's really a minor thing, so like the previous cases of this, it's probably a good idea to get a second opinion about the lengths of the sentences. I mean, I'm just me. To me, shorter sentences tend to be better. (Well, now, anyway. I've completely forgotten if that's how I was over a year ago.)

spoiler:

"We were taught personally by Master Matthias, the man who keeps Sky's daughter as a trophy. A girl like you... you'll be begging for your life before you can call out for help."
Probably shoulda seen that coming. (Maybe if I'm lucky, I can pin the blame on having missed it as being away for over a year... :P )

Anyway, finished 28. (Funny, how the further into the chapter I go, the less I find. Maybe it's just action scenes? I'm terrible at finding things when I'm caught up in the moment. :P)


quote:

Breeze watched her opponent closely as she advanced, looking for the slightest twitch to give away his- There.
Not a criticism, but rather, a compliment. I like how the thought was cut off.

quote:

Crossing her arms, Sarah looked over to Robina, who seemed just as concerned. "Well, it damn sure looks like something," she muttered, as the princess motioned to let her talk to him.

Robina waited
Hmm...odd. When I look at this on the screen, it looks like there's one too many line breaks in there; three instead of two. But when I quote, it seems like the normal two. (Blasted extra-wide monitor I'm using really makes this kind of thing hard for me to determine. For example, a paragraph could be very long, and for all I know, it'll look like only three lines or so.)

Anyway, that's it. Through Chapter 29. *sigh*
--Not nearly as much to point out as I would've liked, and what I did point out was mostly opinion. Ah, well. I tried. Anyway, I look forward to (eventually) reading 30.

-Mastin.

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/28/2010 4:58:36 >
Post #: 189
7/7/2010 0:16:40   
_Depression
Member

Oh man I love you mastin.

Aria wasn't supposed to have the knife. That was from when Suna first met her, and tried to cut away Aria's clothing (okay, out of context that sounds reeeeeally suggestive).

*skip skip skip*

(@Chapter 28 opening sentence) I wanted to write it like this as a stylistic thing. Parkour is all about free-flowing motion, and I wanted the sentence to express that. Everything happens in one sentence, because Inyro doesn't pause in his motion while 'acting out' the words.

@"half-eated" *headdesk* Author's say the darnedest things...

@Breeze's thought process: Thanks, I liked that part too.

With all of your sentence-length suggestions, I'll definitely have to take another good look at those. But right now I'm going to sleep.

...I'll just leave this here:
spoiler:

Breeze inhaled a long, deep breath as she looked herself in the mirror. Just four hours ago, when she had come home, she had to watch Ryan dry his eyes in front of her and walk out of the room, without her being able to so much as touch him and offer consolation. That wasn't her job, that was someone else's. Someone who was allowed to care, who had the time to care.
AQ  Post #: 190
7/7/2010 15:54:34   
deathwalker05
Member

YAY spoilers! And nice to see your working on this again...when you post ill have to reread a bit.
AQ  Post #: 191
7/12/2010 20:32:31   
Angel of Grief
Member

I might just have to re-read this, it's been almost a year since I last read this story (which is magnificent by the way, I love it).
<3!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 192
9/1/2011 8:08:45   
Jakora
Member

This is the best story ever! can u make a book version pl0x?
DF  Post #: 193
10/17/2011 20:26:59   
_Depression
Member

Can you believe it's been over a year since I last updated this story? It makes me feel a little disgusting inside, knowing I had this beautiful world in me (and I still do) and it's all just been sitting here, gathering dust for so long.

No, I'm tired of that. I'm done with letting this grand world fade into the obscurity of a "phase" in my life. I tell everyone that my goal in life is to become a published author, and yet here I am, not even continuing the one thing that has been a true joy in my life for the last years. Well, I'm back now, and I'm here to stay.

I said it before as a hope, but I'm saying it now as a promise. At least one new chapter every month, plus outtakes or "In the Hospital" scenes, general updates about my rewriting of the earlier chapters... I hope I can have your back, everyone, the same way I always have here on the forums. It's not going to be easy, and it's not always going to be fun, but it's damn sure going to _get done_. Author's Fantasy, Fantasy Shattered, and the last two books in this main story WILL be finished, right here on these Battleon forums the same way they got started. And I even have a name for it:



Every month, at least one new chapter. That's my promise to all of you, and to myself. Starting today, I'm making this happen for better or worse.

Feel free to stop by my website for occasional blog posts about my progress and other things, it's http://www.kevinwaldhof.com

_____________________________

AQ  Post #: 194
10/18/2011 22:32:02   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


One word.

YAY
Post #: 195
10/18/2011 23:02:30   
_Depression
Member

I'm in the process of re-reading AF from the beginning now, and getting all of my notebook writings about the story together. I'll be scanning those onto my computer and uploading them to my personal website (kevinwaldhof.com) so be sure to check there for those updates!
AQ  Post #: 196
10/19/2011 16:25:20   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Wow. It's been a long time since I've looked at this here story :) And if I do remember it all right, this was one of the most promising and fun stories I've read in all of L&L. So, yeah, I'll be giving book 2 a (re)read :) Any particular parts you'd like me to take a critical look at, _Dep?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 197
10/19/2011 23:55:13   
_Depression
Member

Arthur, I'm just working on writing more now. I want to really get this thing back on track.

If there's anything you could really take a close look at, it would be 28 and 29, since I'll be working on 30 next. And on top of that, I've been updating my own personal website with parts of AF that I never typed, including Scene 3 from the "In the Hospital" part of the series. If you want to check that out, too, you can go to http://kevinwaldhof.com/authors-fantasy/hand-written/

Nice to see you back mate. ^.^
AQ  Post #: 198
10/21/2011 0:39:01   
_Depression
Member

WELL guess who just spent an hour searching frantically for the part of Chapter 30 he almost lost?

Anyway, now that that's over, I figured you guys here deserved to read this first. It's the part of the chapter I had been searching for, and it's not bad so far. So enjoy!


Note: I'm not posting this in the main story thread, because it's not actually done!
spoiler:


Chapter 30 - "Back to Basics"

Breeze inhaled a long, deep breath as she looked herself in the mirror. Just four hours ago, when she had come home, she had to watch Ryan dry his eyes in front of her and walk out of the room, without her being able to so much as touch him and offer consolation. That wasn't her job, that was someone else's. Someone who was allowed to care, who had the time to care.

But at the same time, Breeze wanted Ryan to be alone. She wanted Kristen, Robina, even Sarah to stay away from him; anyone who could take the place in his life that she wanted to have, she wished they would all just go away. 'Leave Ryan to me,' she thought quietly. 'Let me be the one to love him.'

As she walked out of the bathroom, brushing her hair lightly and walking over to her dresser to pick out a pair of pajamas for the night, the silence in her room caught her attention. Looking around, she realized that Robina had left; suddenly, her mind returned to her thoughts of others stealing Ryan from her, and she dropped her brush to the floor as she rushed out into the hallway, neglecting the fact that she was wearing nothing more than a towel around her. Without a second thought, she walked through the open door of Ryan's bedroom and found, as she dreaded, Robina and Kristen sitting on his bed with him and chatting.

"Excuse me," she said, surprising herself more than the others by the sound of her voice, meek and hesitant in a way that she had never felt before in her life. She stepped forward into the room, holding the towel tight to her body and blushing brightly as Ryan turned to her. She looked away from him, meeting Kristen's and Robina's eye before dropping her eyes to her feet. "I-I... I'd like to be alone with Ryan for a while."

Immediately, Robina stood, smiling lightly to her sister before pushing Kristen faster as she walked around the bed and out of the room. As she passed Breeze,she whispered softly, "Good luck."

There was silence for a long while after the door closed, and as Breeze became more conscious of her state of undress, her flushed cheeks only reddened more. "D-d-does Kristen have any clothes in here?" she asked quietly. Ryan pointed to a small wardrobe, then turned away to give her privacy. "Thank you," she said, walking over to the wardrobe and opened the door. A bit dismayed that she only had shirts and underwear, she quickly threw on what she could - a baby blue t-shirt and a matching pair of underwear. Moving the towel down to her waist, she sighed and walked over next to Ryan, sitting next to him and looking over at him.

"Mistress, I'm-" Ryan started, stopping mid-sentence when the princess laid her hand on her shoulder. He looked at her for a long moment, not sure what to say or even if he should speak. Finally he frowned, a look of sadness passing over his face as he turned away again.

"Ryan," Breeze said softly, her voice hinted with the sadness on his face. When he had turned back to her, she sighed and leaned forward, hugging him tightly and rocking him gently as she leaned her chin on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Ryan."

For a long moment, Ryan simply sat in the embrace, too shocked to return it in kind. "Why?" he asked finally, his arms slowly moving to wrap around her back. "What do you have to be sorry for?"

Breeze stayed silent, letting Ryan hug her as she continued to rock with him, eventually sighing and looking up into his eyes. "I hurt you."

"A slap on the cheek is nothing, Mistress," Ryan said simply, smiling lightly. Suddenly, with his smile, the mood in the room brightened. He let out a light chuckle and sat back, looking Breeze eye-to-eye. "I've gotten tougher since I came to Aethon."

Breeze smiled back at him and nodded. "I only hit you to pay back a debt." Seeing Ryan's confused look, she rubbed her arm lightly. "Where you tried to break my arm when you first came to my kingdom."

Realization dawning on him, Ryan remembered that day; Breeze hyperventilating after having attacked Ewan and Ryan panicking himself trying to stop her from passing out. Chuckling lightly, and without thinking, he nodded and said, "I think after that, that was the first time Aria said you liked me."

"L-liked you?" Breeze asked quickly, blushing brightly as she stared at Ryan with wide eyes. Her mind snapped and started into overdrive, fragments of questions coming to her. "W-what do you mean?"

Ryan, abashed, looked down. "Nothing, princess," he said softly, and turned his gaze to the window. "Aria's still out there..." He wanted to change the topic of conversation. Even if he had to make it the most depressing conversation, he would at least change it from this.

Sighing, Breeze reached out her hand and laid it on Ryan's, leaning over to him and turning his head to her as she looked up at him. "We can worry about Aria later, Ryan. Right now, I'm worried about you."

Ryan's mind was blank. He and Breeze, so close together... Without thinking, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers, kissing her so lightly he barely registered it in his own head. He could feel the princess tense slightly, her hand squeezing his lightly as her brain worked to understand what was happening. But as she began to comprehend, she accepted it and pressed herself forward slightly, making the kiss more tangible for both of them.

A moment later Ryan slowly drew back, looking at Breeze silently and panting lightly as he realized that he had been holding his breath for the entire kiss. He could think of nothing to say, so he just stared at her, initially fearing what she would do but slowly realizing that she had been kissing him as much as he was kissing her. Smiling dumbly, he looked down at where her hand was squeezing his, and back up to her face.

Breeze smiled back at the boy and nodded. "Finally," she said simply.

"Finally," Ryan agreed, and kissed her again. As he slowly slid his hand up her arm, resting it on her shoulder as he pressed himself forward slightly, he could feel the princess starting to shy away; he had no intention of breaking the kiss, not unless she did it herself.

"Ryan," she said, softly, her face slowly inching back from his and her eyes slowly dropping to the mattress. "I don't..."
AQ  Post #: 199
10/31/2011 18:04:16   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Hello there, old friend! As promised, a critique of the last couple chapters of Part II :)
Since its been about 2 years since I last read it, I will do a re-read of everything starting with chapter 23, and thus, I will report anything that I find on my way. It's been a while since I've done a thorough critique, but I'll do my best :)

Chapter 24:

Just a little pet peeve of mine, probably, but:
quote:

Inyro and Kristen strode out of the plane. "What're we waiting for?" Inyro asked, flipping up the hood of his orange hoodie.

Again, this is probably just me, but I feel like I have to point this out: the word 'strode' implies a sense of grace (once again, this might just be my quirky understanding of the english language), and Inyro isn't, as far as I remember, one to be directly associated with grace. The hoodie only adds to this fact.

Caught what seems to me a bit of an OOC moment:
quote:

and Breeze giggled lightly

As far as I remember, Breeze seemed rather aloof, and not someone to burst into giggle over something that isn't particularly hilarious, or so it seems to me. A smile might be more in place. Again, this has a lot to do with the way I remember the characters from reading this 2 years ago, so please accept my apologies if this is complete nonsense :)

Caught this little typo:
quote:

Aria, carrying Ewan, smiled and responded, "He ways less than you do, Mistress."

Which should naturally be 'weighs', seeing as we're speaking about how much he weighs, methinks.

quote:

Inyro sniped, quickening his pace to distance himself from Sarah. When she caught up to him, he growled impatiently. "What the hell do you want?"

Personally, I feel this is isn't necessary, because this is already implied. Your choice, of course.

quote:

"Yes, Mistress."

I think this would be nicer with a bit of a description of his reaction to Breeze's remand. Once again, merely personal preference :P


Chapter 25:

quote:

Breeze giggled

Again with the giggling? Do I just have a completely wrong image of Breeze in my mind, or is this another slight OOC moment?

Overal, not much to remark on this chapter, I really liked it quite a lot. Especially some of the description are very good, kudo's on that :)


Chapter 26:

Hmmm... nothing to remark here, really. Excellent chapter, once again! :)


Chapter 27:

quote:

You're normally the one waking me up before the Sun rises."

Why is the sun spelled with a capital S? Methinks this is a typo.

quote:

'He really did promise to protect me,' she thought happily. 'Does that mean he...'

By now, I'm just going to guess that I've got a completely wrong image of Breeze in my mind, because this little part here mostly reminds me of myself when I was 15 :P Which is, an insecure teenager in love. If this was not quite the effect you were looking for, perhaps you could make Breeze's reaction a little more... swingy? I mean, she is going from 'RAWR I'M GOING TO KEEL YOU FOR SLEEPING WITH MY BOYFRIEND' to "zomg he actually likes me back I don't believe it no way :O" in about 2 seconds. Yeah, I know, exaggerating, but you know what I mean :P Mind you, this isn't as much the case for this one sentence, but rather for this entire part of the chapter.

quote:

She refused to let Ryan believe he was anywhere near strong enough to protect anyone.

Wow. Hell really hath no fury but a woman scorned D:
In a different note, I love how you're not afraid to show of the darker sides of your characters: the most noble of people might have a side, deep down, that sometimes just needs to be a complete **** and hurt people, which they later then regret. Love it. :)

That's it for today. Now that I've caught up again, I will be giving chapter 28 and 29 my utmost attention tomorrow. Good luck with the writing, mate, and hope to hear a reply from you soon.

/Arthur.




Time for part 2! As always, you know that any and all advice I'm offering is just that: advice. Not at all in any way do I expect you to abide by my every literary whim. Rather, I hope you don't, since I love your writing style just the way it is :) Anyway, time for more critiques:

Chapter 28:

First off, a question of something which I can't quite recall clearly anymore: does Aria actually transform (ie start glowing, etc.) when being prayed to by a transformed werewolf, or does she merely appear as the goddess of light to the werewolf in question? If she does, does this actually grant her any powers? Once again: it's been a while, and I'm afraid my memory is failing me on these parts :/

quote:

but quickly she wiped it away.

I'm not quite sure on this one, but I feel the 'she' should come before quickly. If not, perhaps there needs to be another comma behind quickly. Just a matter of feeling though, so take it as you wish.

quote:


Aria was silent for a long moment, watching the girl with mixed emotions. A part of her pitied Suna, for having to live life as a slave; another part of her wished Matthias would take her away. Suna had been nothing but an emotional wreck for the past five hours, sniffling and wallowing in the corner of the cell, and Aria was beginning to lose patience with her. But something kept her from snapping at the girl, and that same something convinced her to say, softly, "Come over here, let's talk about this."

Nodding, Suna stood and left her corner, staggering slowly over to Aria and sitting beside her, rubbing her red eyes and sniffling lightly. "I don't know why I care," she started. "I know I shouldn't. I know that Matthias hurt me, that he stole me away from my family, and that he's kept me as his personal slave for years, but... he let me live. He never hurt me as much as he did his other slaves, and he always made my life easier than anyone else's. He even trained me to fight, Aria."

"You can be as nice to a person as you want, but a slavemaster is still a slavemaster. He was nice to you, but he expected a lot from you in return, didn't he?"

Suna stared at the ground in front of her. "Perfection," she said, her voice soft. "He expected perfection. If he asked me to do something, he wanted it done immediately, and properly. And if I failed him..."

I'm sorry, but this part here kind of ruined the suspension of disbelief. The fact that she after 5 hours of ignoring her, becomes completely friendly with the enemy in moments. This just seems kind of awkward to me. I would suggest rewriting it slightly so that there's a bit more of a build up in their 'relationship'.

quote:

and she had made it a point of telling Ryan to stay behind, that he was too weak to help her in her search.

I don't know if it was your intention to, but you just confused me, like, a lot. First, Breeze yells at Ryan and feels like a monster, then the next day she goes and tells him that he's too weak again? What is up with that? It might just be that I'm being confused again, though...

I found a bit of a strange bit here:

quote:

"But I... my arms... they were on fire," Gaia said, in disbelief of her own words.

From this bit, I can guess that Gaia isn't a particularly experienced magician, to say the least. Actually, this looks like it might be the first time she's ever used magic. So, does that mean that she's learned it quite a bit faster than Ryan. Once again, the last part might be my memory failing me again, but just trying to get the ol' gray matter straight here.

Then, there's this part:

quote:

Ryan nodded, stepping forward into the clearing Ewan had marked earlier and looking around. He knew what his task was, but had no idea how to follow through with it. Creating a fireball was easy enough, and shooting a bolt of lightning was even easier, for him. But to do both, simultaneously, was nearly unfathomable. Inhaling deeply, Ryan started sparks of electricity bouncing around on his left hand, making sure they were defined enough to tear some of his attention away. Staring at his right hand, he tried to create a fireball, concentrating energy into his palm until the air around his hand began to warp from the heat. But a flame would not come.


This implies that Ryan, an at least /slightly/ experienced magic user by now, was having quite a bit of trouble performing a double-element technique, so to say. However, and I'm going to guess you can see it coming by now, it's followed up by this part:

quote:

Gaia nodded and inhaled deeply, focusing on the individual elements and imagining each one in one of her hands. Without warning, her left hand burst into flames, the fire licking hungrily at the air around it, and a jolt of electricity arced from her right hand directly at Ryan who, taking a moment to look up at the sky, was hit with the full brunt of the strike. Gasping, Gaia rushed toward him, neglecting the fact that her hand was still ablaze as she fell to her knees.


So, here we have Gaia, who's only just experienced what, unless I'm gravely mistaken, her very first magical act. This same girl now has to perform a semi-advanced, or at least intermediate feat only moments afterwards? This seems at the very least a poor teaching decision on Ewan's part. What's actually worse is that she's having a much easier time at it than Ryan (albeit uncontrolled) without any mention of Ewan being impressed.

Mind you, I loved the training part, very well executed, and kept me interested the entire ride. Even more so, this was something I only noticed on my second (very thorough) read.

The fighting scene that ends the chapter is very, very good, I'd like to add. Kudo's on that one.
*applause*




Chapter 29:

quote:

Breeze slowed only a fraction off of her pace

Wouldn't one of the of's suffice here? I believe that the single f-ed of would be the correct one to use here.

quote:

that trailed behind her like the tail of a comet as the girl ducked and threw herself forward, using her momentum to smash into the man's stomach.

To continue on a Mastin-y note, I believe this could very well be split into two sentences. It's kind of a long one, and spitting it right after the comet won't take any of the speed you've got going out of it. My suggestion would as such be:
"that trailed behind her like the tail of a comet. The girl ducked and threw herself forward, using her momentum to smash into the man's stomach."
I realize it doesn't retain the exact same meaning, but I feel it's close enough that's it's a plausible suggestion. However, you're the grand architect here, so it's all up to you.

quote:

she had hit him wrong

After all the great descriptions, the 'wrong' here just feels a little blunt, and a little awkward, even. Perhaps if you elaborate on how she hit him wrongly?

quote:

, dazed and out of breath.

Oh, me and my comma fetish :P As you may have guessed, I would personally prefer to see a comma here, but that's just my gut telling me to. Which means it's probably a matter of preference, which means I'm not going to be surprised whatsoever if you choose to leave it as is. Just a little suggestion I thought I'd throw in. :)

quote:

Quickly standing, he clicked closed his pen and dropped it to his bed

I might be wrong, but I'm thinking the 'closed isn't supposed to be there. At the very least, I believe the clicked alone would suffice, so I would suggest removing 'closed' whether it be grammatically correct or not.

quote:

Snapping her eyes back up to Robina, Breeze asked, "Really?"

The word 'snapping', to me at least, always carries with it the thought of frustration or irritation. While it seems that Breeze, in this part, is hopeful rather than annoyed. Might be me, but otherwise, I'd look for a word that better conveys the way she redirected her gaze at Robina.

As my finishing notes on the chapter, I'd like to say: I love what you're doing here with the three/four different perspectives. It's great, and it really made me (re)connect with the characters. Also, it gave the story a /triple/ cliffhanger at the end of this chapter. That's not something I've seen very often, and I love just as much as I hate it (hating, as in: I want to read moaar! :P).

Overal, you're still the great writer with the fluent, nicely paced writing style, great humor and captivating character that I remember from my days in the old L&L.
All I can say is keep writing, and I'd love to have a copy of Author's Fantasy in my bookshelf someday.
I'll be here to critique future chapters as well, so I hope I've been of some help, and I'd love to discuss any and all remarks with you, if you so wish.

ATBO out.

< Message edited by Arthur The Brave One -- 11/1/2011 18:47:34 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 200
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