RE: Crimz's Workz: Visions+more [Has character pics|Updated 9/5]


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10/13/2008 15:49:02

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

OK, since you're holding the revisions a bit longer, here are my comments for chapter 5.

Good job with the first part! I liked the setting, the background-story and how Wallace showed emotion. I think you could still improve it further by deepening the emotions and bringing them into the character's movements as well, and using more expressive verbs than 'to be', especially when describing the setting or the character's attire and weapons.

The second part felt quite like fast cuts in an action movie. Like you intended? It's an interesting stylistic choice, and worth experimenting, just warning for you not to overuse it since it can really make the text feel pretty choppy. Perhaps you could fuse the both scenes with Ryan & co together to reduce the number of scenes? Imo, you did slightly overuse 'was' in these scenes as well.

Now to line to line suggestions, noted typos, etc...

1)

quote:

Seeing this a moment for his recognition, Vincent pointed to himself with his right thumb, full of confidence of pride.

Lol, he's almost bursting with it...
Anyways, that structure with two instances of 'of' feels a tad cumbersome, imo. How about: 'full of confidence and pride?'

2)

quote:

Vincent’s pride left him very vulnerable, even a quick attack on his feelings could shatter him. Vincent remained silent, stricken by fear, not knowing what to say next.

I'm suspecting that the comma should be a semi-colon, since you're elaborating.
Also, imo, that second instance of 'Vincent' would be better as 'He' or 'The young officer', etc, since that name gets repeated quite a lot in that paragraph and there isn't much you can do to remove it from the other places, since they are in quotes.

3)

quote:

It poured millions of raindrops. The water that fell from the heavens mixed with the spilled blood, creating pools of red. a) The entire green hills were scarred with crimson; such a painful sight could even melt the hearts of those who had no sympathy at all. Stench haunted the area. Under the dark clouds, ignoring the impact brought by the precipitation, were b) four men. Two of which were low ranking officials, two young men at around their twenties or late teens, restraining the third. Their arms were b) gripped around his, and their feet stepped on their prisoner’s legs as he was b) forced to kneel. The third man’s upper body was protected by a golden armor; a portion of his helmet was crushed, not anymore resembling the head of a chaotic dragon. His torso’s and legs’ armor were stripped off. c)

Now, I love the scene you've described here, but I think you should bring it further from the passive voice you've hid it behind and by employing the text with even stronger effect you could achieve by changing some of those 'were's to more describing verbs.
Some suggestions for you to consider:
a) Eliminate the passive voice from the beginning and combine with the next sentence to give it more impact:
'Millions of raindrops poured from the heavens, mixing with spilled blood, and creating pools of red.'
I think you need to eliminate that 'the' in front of 'spilled blood', either way since it's the first time you mention the blood.

b) Possible places to exterminate the 'were's:
'Under the dark clouds, ignoring the impact brought by the precipitation, stood/subsisted four men.'
(I know, they don't all stand, since one of them is on his knees, but I still think it reads better than just 'were'. Also, since the rain is so heavy, I think you could also use a bit more overexaggarating verb 'subsist', if you want to.)
'Their arms gripped around his, their feet stepped on their prisoner’s legs, and thus forced him to kneel. '

c) The last sentence seems a bit contradictory since the previous one stated that the golden armor still protected his upper body, whereas here the armor is removed from his torso?

4)

quote:

Hid thumb, being positioned at the other side of the handle, slowly slid across the diagonal bottom end of his blade.

A typo? 'His'

5)

quote:

A young brunet, traversed down from a small forest path, leading to his village.

Do you really need those commas in this sentence?

6)

quote:

The young man observed that half of the town was but ashes, charred remains.

Imo, '...was but ashes and charred remains' would flow better here.
Or you could change the verb to 'half of town lay in ashes and charred remains' if you like to.

7)

quote:

“Hehe, I guess I’m not the only who who’s still a boy.”

Unintentional duplicate, I assume.

8)

quote:

But despite the pain, he decided to go on, telling himself that he will kill himself if he fails to meet up with Helen.

A mix-up with tenses?
Since 'decided' is in past tense, I suspect that 'would' and 'failed' would be the correct forms for the consequent verbs.

9)

quote:

Taking a short break, recovering from the fatigue, he leaned on a tree.

To express that to recover is his motive for the break-taking, I think this should be: 'Taking a short break to recover from the fatigue, he...'

10)

quote:

“Yeah. So, umm… how’s it been?”

Imo, this line doesn't suit the scene at all. It's way too...light and informal for Wallace to say something like that after launching on the mission to rescue her. So, how about:
'Yes, it's me...Are you OK/ badly hurt?'
Would sound more caring, imo.

11)

quote:

“Hurry,” the knight impatiently commanded as he gave Helen a kick with his knee. His strength pushed her to ground, scratching her arms and face with the rough terrain.

Hmm, a suggestion: 'The impact pushed her...'
I feel the impact would fit better here, because he kicked her, which is a brief contact, not using his strength for a longer time to persistently push her until she's on the ground.

12)

quote:

Her lower arms and sleeves were wet with mud, giving it a brown stain.

'them,' I believe, since you have the arms in plural form.

13)

quote:

She could feel the cold dew of the grass, a cold saying that death was near.

Might I suggest you eliminate that repetition of 'cold' by rewording, for example:
'She could feel the cold dew on the grass, telling her death was near.'
Your call, as always!

14)

quote:

Even without seeing the man’s face, he knew that underneath that wicked helmet was a wicked man.

Another suggestion: since Wallace is excusing him of treating the girl roughly, he might think him a coward, and therefore, the verb 'hid', would fit splendidly here, imo.

15)

quote:

The younger knight leapt four feet high on the air and aimed for Lancelot’s crown.

'in the air'?

16)

quote:

“It’s over boy.” Lancelot was about to strike, aiming for Wallace’s Adam’s apple, but halted by Helen’s struggling voice.

I suspect you need a comma between 'over' and 'boy'.

17)

spoiler:

It only took a matter of time for me to realize that you were using her to find Excalibur.

Putting this quote in spoiler-tags, just in case...
'a matter of time?'
How about 'a matter of seconds?'

18)

quote:

The weapon which his hands clutched onto started to vanish, as if it were burning, slowly fading from side to the other.

A word missing? 'from one side'

19)

quote:

“I can’t give up. And I won’t, for Helen’ sake!” Wallace rose with his strength.

Hmm, somehow, 'newly-found strength' might fit better here than plain 'his', imo.
I mean, how could he rise without his strength?

20)

spoiler:

From the distance, he heard the girl screaming, using every last piece of her breath. But the sound did not fade into silence. Instead, the high volume of her voice was immediately cut, making Wallace think the worst.

I suggest that you switch the bolded words. Otherwise, it now looks as is Lancelot heard her from the distance, which doesn't make that much sense.

21)

quote:

Not only were the pierces deep enough to harm him, but Wallace had to heal his wound, leaving him very open to another attack.

Just a suggestion for the bolded part, since that 'very open' sounds a bit odd to me:
'leaving his defences wide open to another attack'
Also, 'wounds' in plural since there were multiple pierces?

22)

quote:

These illusions were somewhat real; they can inflict pain and make contact with what was real, but were extremely fragile.

Not sure about that tense... 'could'?

23)

quote:

Opposite their column was where Ryan and Jhenine sat.

Cumbersome way to put it, imho. Why not: 'Opposite their column sat Ryan and Jhenine.'

24)

quote:

“So, all we have to head for the Northern region?

I think this should either be 'So, all we have to do is to head...'
or
'So, we have to head....'

25)

quote:

Between the two adults was a small candle, accompanied by a vase holding a pair of yellow roses.

A suggestion for you to consider: 'flickered'
More athmospheric, imho

26)

quote:

Stuffed with rare and expensive wind dragon feathers, the seats were as soft and comfy as a cushion, for the couple, that is. “…And that was how I got back at Ryan for his April Fools trick on me.”

I'd suggest you'd split the paragraph around the bolded part.

27)

quote:

“It’s okay. I’ll wait,” replied Blake, holding her hands deeply.

Uhm...is this my insufficient English.... How does one hold hands 'deeply'?
I think 'passionately', 'tenderly', etc adverb would be more fitting here.

Returning for chapter 6 later!

DF	Post #: 101

10/16/2008 8:14:37

Crimzon5
Member

Heh, the cutted (I know it's cut but I just wanna use cutted... just this once, please?! Lol...) scenes was indeed an experiment, one wherein I underestimate the feedback. I thought it wasn't gonna be effective and there my be a few more scenes in later chapters that involve more cuts.

But the two paragraphs involving Ryan and his friends (lol), had to be cut. It would be more logical to post the part involving Danielle's father after this line's paragraph:

quote:

“So, all we have to do is head for the Northern region? Man, this trip sure is taking us far. Gee, I wonder how Dad’s doing,” Danielle sighed, crying in the inside.

quote:

But... why? You might aswell write the story. And once you've finished the story, you will be better. So instead of doing the same chapter over and over again, you could wait until the end and go over it once. And that way you'll get much better results. Seriously, the way your looking at it is not good for anyone. Your superteam of readers will die by the end...

Okay then. Base of some critical thinking... I'll still revise it but wont post it 'til it's over. But then, heh... something about the Visions (not the characters) will make the story longer

~~Gonna get back to you Fabula, a bit busy~~

Fixed errors. the improvements suggested in the first 4 paragraphs of your post will be added when I have the time.

Spoiler for this post:

spoiler:

Ryan knows that Shadebainer can't read minds, right? And he can't. But in chapter 2, didn't he know Ryan's name? I wonder why... (seesh, of course I know).

In the later chapters, Shadebainer will somewhat... want Redemption (Ryan's alias) to reach him... but not kill him of course

and remind me to cut down on the spoiler next time

Spoiler 2:

spoiler:

Ryan and the others are gonna have mechas too. Just be excited for his clever scheme. He's going to make Redemption (his alias) steal his (Ryan) mech. AKA: Using his terrorist name, he's gonna steal his own mecha

^Involving the scheme... I suggest you check the word 'scuttlebutt'

Ok... no spoiler 'til next 3 posts (ha!)

Anyways... part 2 of chapter 6 being worked one and sketch on Jhenine done: http://i290.photobucket.com/albums/ll271/g3ev/jhe.png

For best graphi results, right click the image, and paste it in MS paint. The scaling of some internet browsers might make it look bad

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 10/29/2008 10:38:09 >

Post #: 102

10/19/2008 6:30:00

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!
Writing comments for Chapter 6 now.

Hmm. This might be my favourite chapter of the story so far, especially the beginning =) Very athmospheric and enjoyable writing. The chapter does get a little harder to follow towards the end as the POV quickly shifts between the many characters and large part of the narration is done via thoughts. Now the thoughts in themselves feel real and believable, as one's thinking is rarely very formal or explanatively clear to the tee, but in a story, if there isn't enough explaining narration around it, it may become a bit hard to read. Especially when the POV changes too. Again, nothing major, but if/when you edit the chapter, you might want to keep an eye for that.

A bunch of line on line comments, suggestions, found typos, etc, starting with a suggestion =P

1)

quote:

“Yes… just a few more seconds,” the sheriff desperately said as he dragged his body towards the train.

This is one of those 'Bacon and eggs'-situation to me, lol, but even if it were grammatically more correct as it is now, to me this sentence would flow better as 'the sheriff said desperately as he dragged his body...' Maybe that's because the 'desperately' gets closer to 'dragged' in this order, enhancing the experience, so to speak. Just my opinion, of course.

2)

quote:

Lanceler’s argument led into an informal debate, one wherein the topic was simple and where the victor was decided by the silence of his opponent.

I am very fond of this sentence =)

3)

quote:

We have our enemies; we kill them to clear a way for the enemy king.

I'm not 100% sure of this, but doesn't one eliminate the pawns in chess to get to the king? Now it sounds like they were clearing the path for the benefit of the enemy king. I might be wrong, though, I have by problems with English prepositions =P

4)

quote:

Lanceler remained silent, keeping his silent personality.

This sentence feels very odd to me. I don't know if it's the concept of 'keeping one's personality' or the repetition of 'silent' that irks me. If you want to kill the repetition you could replace the first 'silent' with 'quiet.' You could also reword the latter part of the sentence with: 'displaying his silent personality' if that was what you were aiming at? Your call.

5)

quote:

With Ryan not anymore being seated next to Jhenine, Danielle saw this as an opportunity to get seated next to him.

I've got two points about this one. Firstly, you use this 'being -ed' structure quite often. For example, this is the third time in this chapter, the earlier ones were 'Being left with more mystery' when you told about the sheriff and 'Jhenine's Vision being used on Danielle'. Imho, this is a bit too wordy and cumbersome (look who's talking! =P) structure to be used so often, so I'd suggest that you'd reword one or some of these. Here, you could go, e.g., with:
'With Ryan no more sitting beside Jhenine, Danielle saw this as an opportunity to get a seat next to him.'
Secondly, if you choose not to remove that 'being -ed' -structure here, I'd suggest you'd still eliminate that 'seated next' repetition from it, as it is two words repeating now. E.g:
'With Ryan not anymore being seated next to Jhenine, Danielle saw this as an opportunity to sit down beside him. '

6)

quote:

Social discrimination forced the financially-poor people to leave, and the gates to the region were only accessible by the wealthy.

Not sure about this preposition either. 'for the wealthy'?

7)

quote:

“I can see know why you are full of lies.” The blond heard this, and kept calm as he tried to understand what those words meant meant.

Unintentional duplication of a word?

8)

quote:

Lanceler eyed Ryan, who unwarily viewed the terrain. Not single sign of doubt and regret was shown on the brunet’s calm expression.

I suspect 'nor' would fit better in there.

9)

spoiler:

Sighing, Lanceler continued his addressed thoughts. My parents once told me that they used to criminals before I was born.

I think you're missing 'be' between those two bolded words.

10)

spoiler:

But despite all that, the government found out who they really were and wanted to kill them. They didn’t want the community to mourn over their death, so they did the assassination in secret. They cremated their bodies.

OK, I realise this is thought, so it doesn't necessarily have to be grammatically correct, (I suspect this sentence I'm writing isn't either, lol) but you're referring to 'the government' with 'they', which sound very odd. I'd suggest you'd change the first 'They' to 'The holders of power/politicians' or something of the like in plural. Also, here would be a perfectly justified place to use the passive voice, imo, to make the government officials sound utterly faceless. A suggestion under the next spoiler-tags:

spoiler:

But despite all that, the government found out who they really were and wanted to kill them. The politicians didn’t want the community to mourn over their death, so they ordered them to be assassinated in secret. Their bodies were cremated to get rid of all the tracks.

Downside to that suggestion of mine is that it may sound too formal for a thought. Your call, as always.

11)

quote:

Jhenine’s Vision attack also damages the target’s life force, but the effect was almost unnoticeable, but not for Cyro’s Vision.

'damaged'?
Imho, using two 'but's in the same sentence is a bit iffy to the narration, perhaps you could rephrase this? Eg.:
'Jhenine's Vision attack slightly damaged the target's life force, but the effect was almost unnoticeable to everyone except Cyro.'

12)

quote:

A flow of tears started to fall from his left eye, sticking onto his face because of adhesion.

Hmm, using such a technical term with such strong feelings... It's kind of distancing. If you want it that way, I guess it's okay. If you don't then you could just leave the because-part out. Just a suggestion:
'A flow of tears started to fall from his left eye, stubbornly sticking onto his face.

13)

quote:

… why did let that man live?

I suspect you need 'they' between those two words.

14)

quote:

“Son, it is best to let a man redeem himself rather than killing him.

'than kill him?'

15)

quote:

The tear on his cheek landed on the floor.

Since you spoke of 'a flow of tears' earlier, I think that article should be 'A' or 'tear' should be 'tears'

16)

quote:

Meh… I bet my partner is enjoying the stolen car right now

I thought it was a motorcycle...

17)

quote:

“Shoot! The inertia should’ve made him land on his face when the train stops,” Ryan schemed.

Ryan wishes this to happen in the future? So it should be: 'The inertia should make him...'

18)

quote:

Lanceler would blame Ryan’s mp3 for his slightly-disabled ears but he would say excuses like “My ear needs cleaning” and “My hair’s just blockin’ my ear holes”.

I think that should be 'mp3-player' since mp3 is just a format and can not be held responsible for compromised hearing (I'm such a nitpicker, sorry =P)
Also, 'ears' in plural, imo.

That's all for now, I think.

Oh, almost forgot to add to the general comments in the beginning: you are quite good in writing dialogue, it's a crucial element in your stories that also carries the plot forward.

DF	Post #: 103

10/19/2008 7:03:29

Crimzon5
Member

Heh, what would I do without you?

1) Yeah, inverting the order of the words makes it sound better
2) Heh, I own my friends when it comes to debates *Unless it's formal. My group lost once because of "technical casualties"*
3) Heh, my bad
4) Heh, reading the quote made me the error before seeing your comment
5) Will apply that to future writing/typing
6) I think it's 'by'. 'For' usually accompanies indirect objects and it's a beneficial participle.
7) Now how did that happen?
8) Nor it is
9) Heh, just a few letters
10) Partially accepted the suggestion
11) changed s to z... I mean d
12) I love that term. It also allows the reader to learn something.
13) Heh, that error sounds familiar
14) Kept it as is
15) The to a
16) Oh, they stole that, too xD
17) Good point
18) mp3player is one word =p

Heh, that was your favorite part? Heh, the fued among the girls was inspired by real life. They're fighting over me (lol. Crimzon is becoming boastful and ego-istic). Wait for the part where Ryan and Lanceler try to make their alias get a larger price on the wanted sign than the other. Heh, I'll do something about the story and POV. And in the next part of chpter 6, don't be surprised to see that the group in uncomfortable with Vincent (logical for he's kinda an enemy)

*Tosses in another addition*
When I revise that... Oh, I am so gonna put more detail to balnce out with the dialogue.

As for the POV, I find it hard to time the transitions. I mean, after one quick movement of Character A, I find it hard to not write bout Character B's reaction.

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 10/29/2008 10:39:38 >

Post #: 104

10/26/2008 13:10:07

r0de0b0y
Member

Did you revise the entire thing again? I haven't got to it, but which is the chapter after they decide to transfer schools? My Wii makes it about impossoble to scale giant blocks of text.

Loving the new pictures, especially the last on of "Recar" with a bfg

Post #: 105

10/27/2008 7:37:48

Crimzon5
Member

Uhh... Chapter 3 - they lie of transfering
Lastest Chapter - they are forced to enroll because of "someone"

And I didn't completely revise it. Just look at demolitiondragon's 104-suggestion/error post

New Short story: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=14984613

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 10/29/2008 10:40:37 >

Post #: 106

11/4/2008 8:01:21

Crimzon5
Member

Okay, new chapter! Danielle gets to be part of the action this time (But you'll have to wait for the next post).

Post #: 107

11/5/2008 11:40:44

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Sorry about not responding to that transition issue, I've been...let's call it "busy," shall we.
I have no really good suggestions for that right now. Maybe all you need sometimes is one or two sentences from neutral narrator's point of view noting character B's reaction (shock/horror/amusement) on character A's action before indulging into char B's thoughts and POV about it. The thing that I was trying to say was that when there are many characters and shifting POVs, the reader might need the occasional "spoonfeeding" about who's POV is currently employed. But doing that everytime the POV shifts turns quickly forced, so...it's not an easy matter, I think. Anyways, if I come up with a prime example and a fitting suggestion while reading the story onwards, I'll be sure to tell you.

Oy, new chapter! Then I'd better read and comment the second part of the previous chapter.

Chapter 6, post 2.

1)

quote:

“Yeah, it’s been ten years since we haven’t talked.” Ryan’s sister adjusted her brown coat before continuing.

Hmm. Odd tense, imo, or that 'not' is too much... Shouldn't this go: 'It's been ten years since we last talked.'

2)

quote:

As Ryan listened to her converse, he kept watch on mirror keychain that she possessed.

An article missing?

3)

quote:

“But hey, I wasn’t a midget,” he complained in a playful attitude.

Somehow, 'with a playful attitude' would sound better to me.

4)

quote:

It was that raven-haired kid that dissembled the train.

A mix-up of verbs? 'disassembled'
dissemble = lie

5)

quote:

Ryan replied with a hostile attitude as wiped his hands off.

A missing word? 'as he wiped'

6)

quote:

Ryan played along. “You mean that black knight? Heh, he was awesome! Too bad I don’t get his motives…” Wow, it’s fun to comment about ‘myself’, especially since they don’t know that the guy I’m idolizing is actually me.

The bolded part is thought, right? So I think you need to put that in italics. I noticed that you haven't used italics in this post for thought at all in contrast to the previous post.

7)

quote:

“Hey, I’m a junior CSI agent!”

As I read this, I remembered that in chapter 4, post 2 he says he's a CIA agent...

8)

quote:

Ryan flicked his license close, and turned tail.

Something is odd in here. I think 'close' would not fit here because it's normally used in context with 'close relatives' but with something that can be shut it's 'closed windows' (for closing actions that have already happened).
I suspect 'shut' would fit better here, but that might be just my bad sense of English =P

9)

quote:

Vincent felt a bit paranoid and wondered what dispersion gave Ryan the reason to abhor him.

? I'm completely lost here.
Isn't 'dispersion' an effect where some amount matter is spread sparsely over an area?
A mix-up of words?
'misdemeanor?' 'distrust'? 'impression?'

10)

quote:

Possessing the right to more responsibility, she decided to do what seemed best for the two.

Warning: I'm being (especially) nitpicky here, lol. Isn't one usually burdened with responsibility? One has the obligation to be responsible, whereas little children are excused being irresponsible. Hence, imho, this sentence seems a bit peculiar way to put it.
How about: 'Carrying her weight of responsibility,...'

11)

quote:

Hmm… by becoming a CSI member, I might have access to their headquarters. Perfect! Ryan’s thoughts were interrupted by the approaching of his four companions.

Bolded part in italics, as they are in the form of thought.

12)

quote:

Testing his sparkling smile, he then let go off Ryan’s mirror which swung like a pendulum as he removed it from his grip.

The last part comes off a bit redundant, imho, as you already told us the exact same thing with 'he let go off' it. Could you consider rewording it to something like:
'After checking his sparking smile, he let go off the mirror, which swung like a pendulum as it fell free from his grip.'? Now the last part describes more of the movement of the mirror than Cyro's hand letting it go again. You would most likely even come up with a better rewording yourself. Your call, as always!

13)

quote:

Cyro was annoyed the intervention.

I suspect you need 'by' in between those two words.

14)

quote:

(Even the author refers to him as just a kid.)

ROFL! Good one.

15)

quote:

As each name was introduced, they all greeted her with a “hi”, Lanceler being the only exemption for what he said was a “hey”.

Imo, I think it would be netter to use 'person' here as you continue with 'them greeting.'

16)

quote:

The bottom portion of the magazine contained two USB ports. As Vincent moved his arms, Lanceler noticed a small lense located on the body of the gun. He speculated it to transmit images and information contained by the USB. Feeling a light tap on his shoulder, he turned his power off.

So... The lense is for infrared data transmission? And the data comes from a removable USB-memory that can be attached to the USB port? If I understood wrong, you need to edit this somehow and if I understood correctly, I still think you should edit this as the USB port does not contain any information, and this now reads as it would, imHo.
'..to transmit images and information contained by any attached USB memory device.' Just a suggestion...

Sorry for being such a nitpicker...
*tries to change*
*fails miserably*
=P

17)

quote:

If Shadebainer can’t read minds, then how did he know my name when I tried to kill him? And if he’s really skilled in chess, how come he left the king and queen in their inverted places? I know this has something to do with his Vision but… too play my cards safe I better– Lanceler and I should avoid his attention. But if we’re lucky, I doubt he’ll recognize us…

This should be in italics as well, I believe.
This thought feels a bit detached as well, in the middle of the descriptions of circling arms and Rebacca's and Vincent's postures. So, why not add a little explanation in front of it:
'Drifting deep into his own thoughts, Ryan stopped focusing any attention to the others.'
Or something of the like.

18)

quote:

Ryan turned his head with a cold reply. “Throwing money is nothing compared to the acts of real heroes and great countrymen.” His fear started to rise. The suspense caused him to sweat faster than usual.

Just a suggestion. Since 'a cold reply' insinuates more to the direction of trying to feign indifference or displeasure, as if he's trying to keep his cool, that latter sentence would fall better in line if the 'fear' was replaced with 'nervousness', e.g. 'His nervousness started to shatter his mask of indifference, causing him to sweat more than usual.' Your call.

19)

quote:

Pessimistic with the situation, he feared that in any instant, Joseph was going to approach him, seeing a familiar face, one the tried to kill him, and one that could’ve been related to Redemption.

'the one that tried to kill him'?

20)

quote:

It is my responsibility– no, it my obligation to satisfy every citizen of Magnagon.”

I think you should either add 'is' in there or remove the 'it'.

21)

quote:

I think you mean, “Every citizen of the Northern Region”. Look, the poor, the unhappy people were forced to leave. I can see right through you; you’re shunning the response of those who can’t be helped… no, you’re shunning the response of those who you won’t help, those who need your help,

Again, I think these thoughts should be in italics.

22)

quote:

Lanceler continued to face the direction opposite of the group

I suspect that preposition should be 'to'.

23)

quote:

Sparing time with his Vision, he thought, Three days ago, me and Ryan took out an offensive at Room 731. Shadebainer… he knew his name. And now he doesn’t recognize us? This makes no sense…

See point 21)

24)

quote:

Taking a large risk, and possibly creating a huge burden in Ryan’s plans, Lanceler stared the officer in the eyes.

I guess you're using 'large' here since you have 'huge' later on in the sentence. Still, I fear that 'large' is too materialistic to be used with such an immaterial word as 'risk' in my opinion. So, how about 'huge risk' and 'significant/enormous burden'? Just a suggestion.

25)

quote:

It’s either he’s dumb or is just playing along. If he knows of our true identities, he must have his reasons for pretending not to. Hmm… if he can really read my mind…

See point 21)

26)

quote:

Yes, I’m cheered up because that man is within my grasps!

See point 21) here as well

27)

quote:

Being her brother, Ryan believed that it was his job to annoy and oppose his sister.

Just a sheer matter of opinion, but I'd go for a simpler way to write this without the 'being':
'Ryan believed that it was his job as a brother to annoy and oppose his sister (whenever possible).'

28)

quote:

“Yeah right! You’re the most immature girl I ever met…

I suspect the correct tense would be: 'I've ever met...'

29)

quote:

“I’ve done some arrangements, guys. Ask Lanceler for the address of the place, kay?” With a quick playful salute, Ryan drove away. Ironically, fresh air swept across his face as he rode the streets. Ryan speculated some kind of invention converted the polluted gases to fresh air. But the truth was that the latest model of vehicles was designed to be environment-friendly.

Ryan drove on a narrow road. Using his side mirrors, he noticed five teenagers following him. Their automobiles were levitating boards. No one else seemed to be in the area. Each board was designed and customized differently from the others. Ryan guessed that the alpha male of the gang was the one positioned in the vertex of their V formation. A red hood hid the alpha’s face. His board had two rockets at the tail, giving of a blue comet-like flare.

Since the scene changes here, I'd suggest a little rearranging of paragraphs, e.g: (edits in bolds)

quote:

“I’ve done some arrangements, guys. Ask Lanceler for the address of the place, kay?” With a quick playful salute, Ryan drove away.

Fresh air swept across Ryan's face as he rode the streets. He found it ironic in the midst of all the cars parked along the streets, and speculated some kind of invention converted the polluted gases to fresh air. But the truth was that the latest models of vehicles were designed to be environment-friendly.

Ryan drove on a narrow road. Using his side mirrors, he noticed five teenagers following him. Their automobiles were levitating boards. No one else seemed to be in the area. Each board was designed and customized differently from the others. Ryan guessed that the alpha male of the gang was the one positioned in the vertex of their V formation. A red hood hid the leader’s face. His board had two rockets at the tail, giving off a blue comet-like flare.

In addition to the splitting of paragraphs, I also added some explanation of why Ryan might have thought the air being fresh was ironic (lots of cars along the streets) and put the latest models in plural, since I suspect they wouldn't all be of the same model, or would they?
I'm also suggesting that you'd change the other instance of the 'alpha' to a simple 'leader' because (imo) 'alpha' is a bit quirky word to be repeated so soon. I suspect that the 'of' is a typo and should be 'off' (last bolded word).

Again, these are just suggestions and you'll probably come up with even better edits.

30)

quote:

Letting out a deep breath, Ryan turned around and headed back to gangster.

'the gangsters'?

31)

quote:

But he couldn’t, not in front of his beloved Rebecca.

A bit strong word to use as they just met minutes ago?

32)

quote:

Why am I even using my Vision on Cyro? Man, I really need something to do with my life…

Again, thought, so it should be in italics.

33)

quote:

As Shadebainer started to blend with the crowd,

'to blend in with'?

34)

quote:

Lanceler never let him go off his sight. However, it was inevitable to avoid losing his target’s track.

I suspect one or more of those words are too many
'However, to lose his target's track was inevitable.'
or 'inevitable' should be 'impossible'?

35)

quote:

Frowning with a cold appearance, one that could only be melted by his sympathy, his suspicion one the officer started to trouble him.

This sentence seems to be missing something...

OK, that's about it for chapter 6, part 2. If everything goes as I plan, I should be commenting on chapter 7 next weekend.

Until next time!

DF	Post #: 108

11/6/2008 7:25:06

Crimzon5
Member

I learned something (actually 2) today!
1) Fabula can actually have a typo with out noticing *stares at the word 'netter' which should be 'better'*
2) It is easier to see errors when the story is in the forums compared to MS word/ Notepad

7) Good point. My bad
16) You got it right! Suggestion taken though
28) Error done on purpose. No one has perfect grammar (especially our characters). And idea to how to make it obvious to the reader that it's not an error on my part but on Ryan's? Also... there's another wrong grammar in chapter 7. Danielle's gonna say "Jhenine and me..." but 'me' should be 'I' because it's used as a subject of the sentence.
31) Well... he's insane. What'da expect? Him to take love seriously and slow? Hehehe

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 11/6/2008 7:29:32 >

Post #: 109

11/6/2008 16:20:55

Fleur Du Mal
Member

What typo? Where? I confess nothing! =P

28) Point taken. I think that caught my eye mainly because I felt 'I've ever' comes out of my mouth even more naturally that 'I ever'
Probably just me though.
I don't think you need to make it more obvious as Ryan's mistake; although, if there are some good opportunities to use that kind of grammatical mistakes similarly in his other lines... (only occasionally)
Nah, I'm not sure, sorry for being no help.

31) Good point. =P

DF	Post #: 110

11/7/2008 6:35:12

Crimzon5
Member

quote:

Imo, I think it would be netter to use 'person' here as you continue with 'them greeting.'

FYI, netter is a word but not and adjective/ adverb (I think)

Post #: 111

11/7/2008 15:13:14

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Nah, that is an adjective ... in German ... meaning 'nicer.' (nett = kind, lovely, nice, etc...)
I'm going to leave that as it is...
See, I still confess nothing! =P

Anyways....

Moving on to chapter 7!

1)

quote:

exclaimed Danielle as she entered the mansion, pulling a stroller with her right hand and lifting another bag with over her left shoulder.

I doubt you need that preposition.

2)

quote:

She turned her head from left to right and right to left.

Just a suggestion for an edit to emphasize her excitement:
'Thrilled by everything she saw, her head turned from left to right and right to left.'

3)

quote:

As he rose from a maroon-clothed chair, located a few feet from a furnace, he approached the girls, willingly to carry their bags.

I believe this should be: 'he approached the girls, willing to carry their bags.'

4)

quote:

As Cyro entered, he remembered all the useless but good to look at ornaments he saw and stole from the senators.

Since you're using these words as an adjective to the 'ornaments', I'm suspecting you need to put in hyphens: 'good-to-look-at'

5)

quote:

I call dibs in Room #1. At the second floor,” Ryan pointed, “the hallway splits ‘ta too sides. The left side contains Rooms 1 to 10, 10 being at the far end, while the right side has the rest of the rooms.

I know it's just a stylistic preference, but I'd write these with letters: 'number one', 'rooms from one to ten,' etc. Why is 'Rooms' capitalised, by the way?

6)

quote:

“That was funnier than that trick you pulled of in the train.

A typo? 'off'

7)

quote:

teased Jhenine immaturely with her tongue sticking out like a five-year old girl’s.

I'm pretty certain you need one more hyphen in there: 'five-year-old'

8)

quote:

The two girls gave each other a cold stare, one that even Ryan, and theoretically also Lanceler, couldn’t bear. With a cold tone, the two gave each other a “Good night”, then followed up with a “hmph” as they took separate staircases.

You could replace one of these instances of 'cold' --preferably the latter one -- with 'freezing', 'icy', or 'chilly'.

9)

quote:

After she endured the tiring, long distance, she came across Lanceler.

'had endured', I believe.
Imo, 'walk', would fit better with 'tiring,' as the distance itself is not tiring, but walking the distance is. And yes, I'm being nitpicky again... *almost shames*=P

10)

quote:

To prevent any accidents, the stairs’ railings extended to the walls to prevent anyone from falling as he or she watched the living room from above.

Hmm, this sentence could do without the repetition, imo. So, to prevent repeating the 'prevent', how about replacing that second 'prevent' with 'keep' or 'halt'? =P

11)

quote:

"I don’t get. What does Ryan have that makes you girls like him so much?”

A word missing? 'I don't get it.'

12)

quote:

Danielle stop herself from walking for awhile and kept Lanceler company, as she too relaxed her body on the railings to enjoy the area’s artificial yet appreciated beauty.

This should be in past tense: 'stopped'
Actually, in my opinion, this sentence is a bit too wordy now... How about simplifying the beginning to:
'Danielle stopped to keep Lanceler company while she too relaxed...'

13)

quote:

The ornaments’ shadows were like stringed puppets, moving by the command of the rising and shrinking fire that lit up the room.

A suggestion for rephrasing to eliminate the weak verb 'were':
'The ornaments' shadows moved like stringed puppets, thrown around by the command...'
You call the shots, as always!

14)

quote:

After fixing her bed and pillows by turning the folds into straight portions on the cloths, she yawned as her body tried to awaken itself.

Yet another suggestion, if you want to emphasise her sleepiness further:
'she yawned as her body fought against awaking.'

15)

quote:

When she had finished choosing her clothes from a wooden cabinet, the men’s racket in the hall was seen through her open door. It had seemed as if Ryan had done his share of shopping as well.

I suspect the correct tense would be: 'It seemed..'
Any particular reason you use the cumbersome passive voice here? The second sentence is also formulated in a tad wordy way, imho. Why not state in a straight-forward way:
'When she had finished choosing her clothes from a wooden cabinet, the men's racket in the hall caught her attention. Through her open door she saw that Ryan had done his share of shopping as well.'

16)

quote:

And FYI, the lab’s at the fourth floor. If I have time, I might put some maps all over the place, too,” Ryan replied with a good mood.

Not 100% sure, but I suspect you should use the preposition 'in' with 'mood':
'in a good mood'
but
'with a good attitude'
Do correct me if I'm wrong!

17)

quote:

As the three parted their ways for awhile, Danielle who overheard the conversation quickly returned her cloths to her wardrobe.

Hmm. 'had overheard'?

18)

quote:

she took her blouse and jeans, and left on the bed.

A word missing? 'left them on the bed'?

*me wonders what the favour she asked is*

DF	Post #: 112

11/8/2008 0:26:27

Crimzon5
Member

I guess I'll be returning to shoert but may posts for a chapter.

German... heh, excuses. Consider yourself lucky that I believe that it is really German.

As for the favor... I'd love to give a spoiler but it's just a post away.

5) Rule in capitalization:
a) "I'll be in my room."
b) "I'll be in Room 5235346536745745845896595696789569579"

Since a number follows the word 'Room', it kinda has a name now. So... Room #1 is kinda like a proper pronoun now (rechecks notes copied during English Class)

6) I knew it was a double f! Man, my second thoughts are sometime annyoin'

8) Changed the latter to:

quote:

With a sarcastic, heart-emptied tone

13) Changed to:

quote:

The ornaments’ shadows performed like stringed puppets, thrown around by the command of the rising and shrinking fire that lit up the room.

Thanks for the suggestions. They really point out what I can write out in a better way.

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 11/8/2008 0:43:02 >

Post #: 113

11/14/2008 23:46:21

r0de0b0y
Member

I'm only up to the part where a certain somebody dies. Bayonet. Stone powers. Yeah, which is kind of sudden, since he was only introduced a while ago. I've got no qualms with your story, but it's funny how the authorities are never around and most of the protagonists are children, and this story grew from a typical magic-powers story to one that includes nanobots, katanaes, and armor that comes out of nowhere. ...Somebody should make a manga out of this.

But anyway, when Fabula and Recar and everyone else have their way, I'll try to pick up any error scraps they missed. Kay?

Post #: 114

11/16/2008 0:00:58

Crimzon5
Member

Trust me... when they're in the Northern Regions... they'll have "disposable" protagonists that are adults

quote:

magic-powers story to one that includes nanobots, katanaes, and armor that comes out of nowhere. ...Somebody should make a manga out of this.

If you think that's wierd... remember that a forest was next to a desert. Trust me... the country they're in is divided into 9 regions (as mentioned by Ryan, the Northern region is hightech while the southern is medieval.... the western is desert-and-canyon-like, the eastern has a forest but has modern house structures).

All those wierd stuff will be explained.

And a manga? heh, this is gonn be too long for one book.

And Ethan will not be forgotten (unfair for a guy who died, right?)

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 11/16/2008 0:07:05 >

Post #: 115

11/22/2008 2:21:20

Crimzon5
Member

Revisions posted

Post #: 116

11/23/2008 6:34:53

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hello!

Commenting on the Prologue added to the Revisions. I'm very excited to learn what changes you've done to the following parts of the story in the rewrite. Anyways, to the prologue!

Using first person in the beginning sure makes this feel more personal and establishes a stronger connection between the reader and Ryan. Definitely a plus, especially when you've been given hard time about the insensitiveness of the characters that may make it harder for the reader to relate to them.

I'm sorta unsure about whether you reveal too much of the events in the prologue. Mainly regarding Ethan and Requiem. Perhaps you could refer to the events but leave the details to the story (suggestions below)?

Line-on-line stuff:
1)

quote:

I was just a student, a semester away from graduating. Things about me that outstand the others is my superior physical prowess, quick adaptations to situations,

'Things' is in plural, and therefore 'is' should be 'are'

Since the whole first paragraph is in present tense, this 'was' should be too. If you meant to say that at the time of these events Ryan was a student, then you need to state that, imo, by building a bridge from 'now' to the 'past' he now describes, eg:

'My name is Ryan Kristen. At that time, I was just a student, a semester away from graduating. Things about me that outstood the others, and still do, are my superior physical prowess, quick adaptations to situations, and… a power called “Vision”.'

2)

quote:

He killed my parents.

Just a curious note: you elaborate the circumstances of why Ryan's father got eliminated but besides this sentence, you do not refer to his mother in the prologue. So was she killed together with the father in the same assasination? Could you consider adding that tiny bit of info to the prologue as well?

3)

quote:

My father was said to win based on the campaigning and surveys.

OK, this is a mere suggestion, but since you have quite a few sentences beginning with 'My', you could suffle the word order around a bit. Also, if you want to establish Ryan's father to a more bigger threat to the killer, you could reword that 'was said to win' to a more certain tone, eg:
'Based on the surveys and his fierce campaigning, my father was sure to win.'

4)

quote:

With a few companions, starting out with two, we set out to find that man, and kill him.

As this sentence comes straight after you've told us about Ryan's sister, I misinterpreted this 'we' as Ryan and his sister. Which is of course not true, since the sister isn't among them at this point. So, I'd change this to 'I'. Because you are saying that 'I set out with a few companions...' after all, not 'I and someone set out with a few companions...', right? Might be just me erring, though...

5)

quote:

especially if they claim and really act to be your friend.

Shouldn't 'friends' be in plural since it's referring to 'they'?

6)

quote:

But then… as I got to hangout with them,

Not 100% sure but is there a space missing?

7)

spoiler:

But after the same night I talked and befriended him, he was killed, crucified to a stone cross.

So, this is one of the points that in my opinion might reveal a bit too much. If you want to tell that this person dies already in the prologue, you could still leave the details out here, eg.
'..., he was brutally killed.'
Now you leave the reader curious about what you mean by 'brutally' and reveal that only in the story.
Just a suggestion!

8)

quote:

Some called us terrorists, but those who supported us called us “heroes”.

I'd leave the quotes out, since you don't have the quotes around terrorists and those who called them heroes apparently regarded them as such?

9)

quote:

But sadly, she is a supporter of the man

Another tense that is confusing me. =P She was a supporter or she still is? Everything surrounding this is in past tense...

10)

quote:

Like me, he uses an alias. His name is Requiem. Another thing that we have is common is the fact that our parents were killed by the same man.

The tenses fluctuate again. You start the paragraph in the past tense, switch here to present and then later back to past. So, I suspect this should be in the past tense:
'used', 'was', 'had in', 'was'

11)

spoiler:

So in the end of our battle, he lay dead. He could’ve been my friend, but I killed him. Why does everyone around me keep on disappearing?

A suggestion, don't tell the outcome in the prologue, but put it more vaguely:

spoiler:

In the end of the battle, I had lost my friend. Why does...

A matter of preference, of course, but this could allow some room to speculate what exactly happened in the fight.

That's all I got for the prologue, I believe. And, yes, I liked this addition. I'll be reading through chapters 1 and 2 next week, although I might focus my comments on chapter 2 only, since the chap. 1 didn't have as much changes.

DF	Post #: 117

11/23/2008 14:58:41

r0de0b0y
Member

Ha. Well done. I'm liking the revisions so far, everything doesn't seem quite as rushed as the last one. More background information is always good.

Post #: 118

11/24/2008 5:45:11

Crimzon5
Member

@Fabula: Heh, some changes were already made before you posted your comment. And my dictionary says that hangout is 1 word

@r0de0: Thanks. But I'll try not to overdo the info-ing

Post #: 119

11/27/2008 15:43:20

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Lol, so you beat me to it by updating the same time I'd open the comment post and was slowly typing the stuff? I'm waaaay too slow a typer. It is officially proven now =P

Anyways, I read chapter 1 of Revisions today and made a quick comparison to the previous version. I like your additions on detail and the flashback sits in nicely as well. However, it seems I've been sloppy with the typo-hunting when you made your previous big edit to the story, since I ran into some tippos that seem to have come there via inheritance from the prev. version. Eg.

quote:

The student would also be automatically marked with a zero on the quizzes and activities that take place on the particular day as an additional punishment.

Because the story is in past tense, that should be too: 'took'

So forget about me saying concentrating my next critique on chapter 2... I'll attack chapter 1 first. You'll get a longer list tomorrow.

DF	Post #: 120

11/28/2008 8:17:27

Crimzon5
Member

Heh, better do what I can to make that list short

Post #: 121

11/28/2008 13:35:48

Fleur Du Mal
Member

OK! As I hunted for the typos last missed, I couldn't help myself to start to think for some suggestions as well. So, the list is longer than I first indented because of these.
You see, each time you improve it, I'll raise my expectations... =P
Let's see what I've got.

Chapter 1 -- Post 1
1)

quote:

Lanceler was a few steps behind, but walked in a considerable pace.

Just an idea for a stronger verb: 'stayed'

2)

quote:

Since they were still wearing the uniform

I suspect that should be in plural.

3)

quote:

The brunet, who was leading the way, rested a large four-and-a half-foot in length shovel's fulcrum on his shoulder.

You had quite a bit of these 'was +ing' in there previous paragraph, so I thought I'd suggest this could go with simple 'The brunet, who led the way,'

4)

quote:

The blade was polished clean but slightly rusted on one side. Though polished, a large stain of blood remained on one side.

Imo, these sentences are somewhat reduntant. So, how about merging them together?
One possible merging could be:
'Despite recent polishing, the blade was slightly rusted, and bore a large stain of blood on one side.'

5)

quote:

He was followed by a blond, appearing to be just an inch taller than him.

Since you already told us there's two of them, this article should be 'the'

6)

quote:

Not a word was spoken for awhile after this nor did any of them dare to continue the conversation.

Hmm. Isn't this the same thing said twice?
If you meant that they didn't continue with the previous subject nor change it, I'd suggest you'd do some rewording.

7)

quote:

They could hear the wind whistling in their ears and appreciated it as an encouragement.

A matter of preference, but I'd make this sound stronger with a simple 'heard'. Your call.

8)

quote:

Among the two, Ryan seemed to have showed more interest in their activities.

'have shown'? (according to my dictionary, it's show,showed,shown)
or
'seemed to show'?
or
'Ryan usually showed'?

Chapter 1 - Post 2

9)

quote:

Even the slight displacement caused their shade to be obsolete.

Hmm. Again my opinion, but I'd change that for a stronger verb. Eg.
'to turn'
or
'to vanish into oblivion' <- LOL, I can't control my own wordiness =P

10)

quote:

“Time sure is going fast,” said Ryan as he wiped his sweat with the black coat on his shoulder.

A matter of opinion, but I'd replace this with 'the' here, because you have another instance of 'his' and one 'he' in that sentence.

11)

quote:

“What a waste! A piece of junk!” he shouted. He had to let his anger out on something… or someone.

Just a side note that I'm not sure I told you after you did the previous big edit. This is an addition I liked especially because I remember yapping to you about Ryan's fit of anger coming a bit unannounced in the very first version of Visions. I think this bridges to the threatening part very nicely!

12)

quote:

Ryan, being tempered, couldn’t restrain his anger. He tried to, and succeeded for awhile.

So, this sounds a bit contradictory to me. How about modifying to that first sentence to 'Being tempered, Ryan had a hard time in restraining his anger.'

13)

quote:

The two turned to silence for a few moments without making any eye contact.

Yet again another suggestion. A bit more straightforward way to say this would be: 'avoiding all eye contact'
Imo, shortness would deliver more impact to this sentence, after all, they are zipping their mouths =P

14)

quote:

Unfortunately for the two, they failed to realize the important of ‘useless’ but ancient artifacts that can bring the past of Magnagon closer to the present.

A typo: 'importance'

15)

quote:

He heard a dialect he was unfamiliar with, yet, he perfectly understood it.

Yet again one of my opinions, lol, but I feel this would flow better with: 'yet he understood it perfectly.'

16)

quote:

The ominous voice seemed to have belonged to a woman.

Because the voice is going to come soon back again, I'd use a different tense here: 'belonged'

17)

quote:

The exhaling grin on his face dissolved to a dropped jaw as his head turned.

Could you please explain what is an 'exhaling grin' to the stupid little me?
I dunno if you meant 'excelling grin'? I have no idea...

18)

quote:

Shaking his head, he got up and activated his Vision.

Imo, this might sound even better with 'reactivated' since he has already used it.

Chapter 1 -- Post 3

19)

quote:

Instead, it was the natural lush-filled ground.

I'm not sure if you can you 'lush' like this. A 'vegetation-filled'?

20)

quote:

His eyes were then concentrated on his target’s paws as he struck them with his shovel for his counterattack.

A bit cumbersome structure, imho. How about: 'He focused on his target's paws...'

21)

quote:

Ryan disappointedly lowered his weapon.

This is one of those words that sound really, really odd, imho, when turned into an adverb with -ly. How about:
'Disappointed, Ryan lowered his weapon.'?

22)

quote:

Lanceler felt disappointed with Ryan.

Whether you choose to change the above point or not, you could put another word here to cut the repetition. Eg. 'Lanceler felt frustrated with Ryan.'

23)

quote:

A bit fear struck Lanceler, so he tried his best to calm Ryan down.

A missing preposition? 'A bit of fear'?

24)

quote:

I can find all sorts of treasure like this!

I still suspect this should be in plural because of the 'all sorts'. Or maybe it's just a recurrent typo that's causing the missing 's'?

25)

quote:

His juvenile attitude made him stiffen his arms as he lowered his elbow towards his body.

'arms' -> 'elbows'

26)

quote:

Their conversation ended with high-five as the rest of the trip was silent.

The 'as' feels a bit out of place in here. I suspect you were going after 'and'? Or you could reword it to create the same effect, eg:
'After ending their conversation with a high-five, the rest of the trip remained silent.' Or something like that...

OK, that was what I came up with chapter 1. As you saw a lot of it was suggestions. I'm editing comments on chapter 2 into this post shortly...

Chapter 2 --Post 1

Hmm. The list or changes made in this chapter sure look promising =)

Lemme see if I find anything to rant about... =P

1)

quote:

The two arrived at their town as the sun rose. There wasn’t much though. Crammed houses, small clinics, a tavern, an inn, a chapel, and a school were the only buildings. There stood a few trees, about two in every corner of the street. The roads were made of cement while the sidewalk was tiled with red and yellow of the same size.

The two started out walking, but their rivalry tempted Ryan to take bigger and faster steps. In the process, he ended up running, igniting a race. To make things interesting, the two tried doing stunts like pivoting their bodies with their arms on vendors’ stalls and benches as they lift their legs to the other side.

Surprise! =P I have yet again suggestions to cut down the repetition... *prepares to get shot*
Since this is the very beginning of a new chapter, you could, imho, flat out start with their names, replacing the first 'the two' with 'Lanceler and Ryan'
The second 'The two' starting the next paragraph should then be fine as it is and the last could be simply: 'they'

2)

quote:

A grudge on your mom after an argument a few weeks ago and your finger prints.”

I spy an unneeded space...

3)

quote:

Without any care if the contains were going to be ripped by his carelessness, he tore a side open and let the paper slide out.

A typoed word? 'contents'?

4)

quote:

As long as he didn’t have a guardian, all Ryan’s possessions would all go to the persons written in his will.

You don't need that second 'all', do you?

5)

quote:

While waiting for the young men, Danielle and the agent made no eye contact; they were just staring at the surroundings.

There's again quite a bit of this 'were + ing'-structure-thing going on. <-See, I wrote one more in that sentence =P
Anyways, since you have the time-frame defined with the 'while waiting', you could just tell what happened during that time.
So, I'd suggest simplifying the end to: 'they just stared at the surroundings.'
If you really want to have the '-ing' also at the end, I'd still recommend, you'd change the 'were' to a different verb.
Eg: 'they just kept staring at the surroundings.'

6)

quote:

The strike was too fatal for the victim to scream.

The previous sentence told us there were several strikes. So, this should be either:
'The strikes were'
or
'One of the strikes was'

In addition, imho, this sentence is a bit inexact. Because a fatal strike causes death, not neccessarily incapability to scream. If you're saying that already the first strike was fatal, she died instantly and therefore, could not scream, I think you need to reword this. Or, if you meant that one of the strikes pierced her lungs and therefore she could not cry for help, I think you still need to be more precise with this. My suggestion, would be:
'All the strikes were fatal; killing her before she had the chance to scream.'
Or:
'As each of the fatal strikes pierced her lungs, she was unable to scream for help.'
Whether you choose to change that or not, please bear with me as I blurt out my last nitpicky opinion about this: =P
I don't think there's anything that's 'too fatal'. Fatal is fatal. One dies. The strikes could be too severe, hence proving to be fatal. A matter of opinion, I know.... [/end of rant] (sorry)

7)

quote:

Also, it was just a murder.

Imho, even when this is speech and hence no total correctness is required, I feel like that 'just' doesn't go well with murder. Maybe 'a plain murder' would serve your purpose better here telling that the attack's purpose was to kill not to rob?

8)

quote:

Those clothes would’ve looked good her, I think

Something missing here? 'looked good to her'?

9)

quote:

But even with their reputation, Lanceler was shocked to have been to known to a woman that he had never met.

Hmm. Something's awry here. 'Lanceler was shocked that a woman he had never met knew him too/so well.' ?

10)

quote:

When they had thought that she was leaving, she turned around.

The tenses are odd, I think.
'When they thought she was finally finished with them, she turned around. Or some better rewording...

11)

quote:

Why that jerk! Making me to the house arresting

The verb 'do' might be missing here...

12)

quote:

She threw herself, hard onto her bed.

I don't think you need that comma there. The sentence would flow better without it, imo.

Chapter 2 -- Post 2

13)

quote:

This is a senator, with body guards.

That should be just one word, according to my dictionary.

14)

quote:

Lanceler tapped Ryan by his shoulder.

Not 100% sure about this preposition, but 'on' would sound better to me.

15)

quote:

A man at about his 40s answered the door.

There might be many different schools of thought when to write numbers out and when not. Imo, forty is still quite short and simple, so I'd write this 'at about his forties'

Yes, I definitely like this new version of Ryan and Danielle's father's conversing. It feels more real this way, with all the emotions. Also, Danielle knowing about her ability is much more logical and Pheona is certainly more believable now.

Imo, Blake's emotions could be even more raw and big and Danielle could be more confused and shaken-up when we first see her, but that's a matter of opinion. I like the emotions big =P, some others may not.

< Message edited by fabula -- 11/28/2008 14:51:06 >

DF	Post #: 122

11/28/2008 21:44:20

Crimzon5
Member

I just wrote a few counters (just 3) and how I accepted some suggestions... but the internet hanged.

Oh well... corrections have been made... and Danielle will have to undergo some changes again (lol)

Post #: 123

11/30/2008 9:07:35

Crimzon5
Member

K, part 3 of chapter 2 posted. Working on chapter 3. No MAJOR changes will be done (but there will be more scenes... especially in chapters 4 and 5)

NEW story: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=15144246

Good new: It's only one chapter
Either good or bad news: It's non-fictional

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 12/1/2008 3:42:43 >

Post #: 124

12/7/2008 4:02:38

Crimzon5
Member

The Bane of This World has returned (let the lol-ling begin). 3/4 of chapter 3 have been revised and posted.

Post #: 125

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