Home  | Login  | Register  | Help  | Play 

Crimz's semi-retired Workz

  		Logged in as: Guest
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> Crimz's semi-retired Workz
Page 1 of 712345>»
Forum Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
6/29/2008 8:36:12   
Crimzon5
Member

So yeah... these are a bunch of my oldies. Hehehe... The only thing I can continue would be Visions...


Visions

** Original Version

Vision is a power granted among people who "earn" it by touching a certain artifact, fulfilling a certain task, or by draining it from its current owner. To do so, the victim has to be dead; a small circular sphere will circle around his head, waiting for someone to accept it. Though Elements are obtained with a Vision, they are separable.

Examples of Vision powers are but might limited to the following:
1) Seeing the past from the angle where you stand as if you were there.
2) Seeing the future from the angle where you stand as if you were there (this power has no flaw... what the person sees will be a reality).
3) Increases the speed of the senses of your eyes and mind. It seems as if you can slow down time but even your movements are affected.
4) Detecting Lies
5) Tracking anyone from anywhere (the "prey" will be the only visible object while everything else disappears from one's sight)
6) Viewing one's memories
7) Seeing one's emotions
8) Void of Darkness (by looking at an area covered by shadows, you can create your own dimension, your rules)
9) Perfect Vision (can't be blinded by either light or darkness or by anything physical like dirt or dust)
10) Zoom-in-Vision (though seemingly harmless, it is accompanied by a powerful element)
11) Vision Hack (can see through another one's sight)
12) Vision Transfer (can let another person see what another person is seeing... the user cannot use his/her ability on him/herself though)
13) Life force Vision (when activated, one can see another's remaining life force, energy, and stamina)
14) 360 degrees (can see everything around him within a given radius of two kilometers)

As mentioned, each Vision has an element. Wielding an element does not give you absolute control over it but allows you to manipulate it in a certain way. The elements are:
1) Light (creates flares)
2) Darkness (can temporarily trap at maximum of 2 people in another dimension and engulf an area in darkness)
3) Fire (channels fire to weapons)
4) Space (can change positions with or teleport near another person)
5) Radiation (creates a weak radiation but very powerful if used on eyes or open wounds)
6) Water (compresses liquid molecules making it similar to solid of any shape; has a limit of 200 cubic meters though)
7) Nature (hastens plants' growth and controls their tropism)
8) Stone (can emerge stone walls from the ground)
9) Sound (can mimic sounds, produce without opening his mouth, and make people hear things in their head)
10) Electricity (controls electrical circuits in devices within touch and channels lightning)
11) Wind (controls wind molecules around one's body. Can be used to seemingly-levitate)
12) Force (increases force exerted by actions or projectiles. Can also break the 3 laws of motion)
13) Time (creates a small rectangular formation of light. Time will freeze at the space it occupies to a maximum of three hours)
14) Matter (can create anything as long as the user knows every bit of detail)

**Please note that those 14 are just examples. There are a whole lot more.

Planned/Current Main Characters:
1) Lanceler Vi Ladoli
  • Age 17; Vision: #3; Element: Space
    2) Ryan Kristen
  • Age 17; Vision: #1; Element: Light
    3) Danielle Derem
  • Age 16 at the start of the book; Vision: #4; Element: Fire
    4) Jhenine Russel
  • Age 16; Vision: #7; Element: Nature
    5) Vincent R. Fabula
  • Age 15; Vision: #9; Element: Electricity
    6) Recar Fryelance
  • Age 17; Vision: #11; Element: Radiation
    7) "Cyro" [pronounced as See-ro]
  • Age 18; Vision: #13; Element: Sound
    8) Athrua Xyphus
  • Age 19; Vision: None; Element: Restoration
    9) Rebecca Kristen
  • Age 20; Vision: None; Element: None

    The Bane of Our Friendship
    *A tail of friendship and betrayal.


    ... my homework.


    The poems here were inspired by the characters in my stories (mostly from Visions).



    Grey Saga

    1) Grey's School Life
  • A story about a jerk-like kid. It focuses on how sorrowful relationships can be if one becomes too self-centered.
    2) The Bane of this World
  • A story about Grey (again). It shows what actions and events war has brought and how it is destroying the planet. His personality is reverse... 180 degrees. Why? Read his school life.

    Favorite Quotes:

    quote:

    Grey: “…I’m gonna go to other towns and blow them up.”


    quote:

    Once they had reached the top of the hill, the two saw Drake standing and staring at the town as Grey had done yesterday. He stood with his right leg bent with his right foot on a rock. He held his chin in his right hand as his thigh supported his elbow.

    “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemmmmoooooooooooooooo,” teased Grey.




    Rise of the Master

    An AQ-based story. I'm not sure if it'll work on it. I kinda lost my files... Oh well... improving a story is better done from scratch.



    -My 2nd homework
    -Non-fictional

    < Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 4/5/2009 1:37:29 >
    • AQ DF  Post #: 1
    6/30/2008 7:27:54   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		Okay, updated my poems. The next character I revealed in the poems will appear in the next chapter of visions

    < Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 7/1/2008 6:21:39 >
    AQ DF  Post #: 2
    7/1/2008 5:37:22   
    Fleur Du Mal
    Member

    		Here's some comment for you about the Visions update (6/29/2008)
    There were only a couple of typos/errors, but I wrote a lot of suggestions for you, so don't be scared =P

    1)
    quote:

    The cold breeze swept through the lush forest.

    You quite recently mentioned the cold breeze, in the end of previous chapter in fact:
    quote:

    His arm shook as the cold breeze of the night swept through the area.

    So, what I'm thinking is that you might want to add something about continuance:
    'The cold breeze continued to sweep around them as they traveled through a lush forest.'

    2)
    quote:

    The two decided to wear their black coats, and so they did.

    Suggestion: 'The two decided to put their black coats on to ward them against the chilly air.'

    3)
    quote:

    With the burden of the dark skies, the illuminating stars enabled them to keep track of the original path as they walked beside it from under the canopy.

    You might want to mention something about the stars being visible/blinking through open spots in the canopy. I'm not sure if that 'from under the canopy' does quite the trick. Might be just me...

    4)
    quote:

    Skyler took a deep breath and exhaled from his nose. Unlike Ryan, he was more used to the cold.

    Good spot to deepen the character description and give like one sentence elaboration what had made Skyler more used to the cold (but avoiding infodump at the same time).

    5)
    quote:

    They turned their backs and noticed a dark beast behind them.

    Suggestion: Elaborate a bit on their reaction to this sight to build the tension:
    'As they turned their backs, their eyes came to meet a dark beast that had appeared behind them. The sheer size of the creature were enough to make their knees tremble...'
    Again, this is only for example, it'll be better if you come up with a solution of your own.

    6)
    quote:

    It might just add humans to its diet,”

    lolz! I'm really beginning to like this Skyler-guy...Sounds a bit Indiana-Jonesy here...

    7)
    quote:

    The two lifted their ‘weapons’ from the back their shoulders and held them in a reflective position:

    'the back of their shoulders'?

    8)
    quote:


    In pain, the bear gave out a loud cry.
    .......
    The bear gave out a strong cry and rolled 180 degrees to its left.

    You could consider changing one of the cries you've used to describe the bear's voice to 'grunt' or 'roar' for variation and to give it a bit deeper sound.

    9)
    quote:

    He slowly approached the beast and pierced its back with the tip of his pickaxe. “Its spinal cord is broken.

    What tells him that? Does he hear a crunchy sound? Does he feel something giving in below his axe? It feels less of a lecture if you move the first sentence from his speech to description, imho.

    10)
    quote:


    “Now that you mention it, everything I saw was influenced by my location. I can find all sorts of treasure like this!

    'treasures'?

    I'm kinda under the impression that you prefer to build up your stories via dialogue and thought. Nothing wrong with that, on the contrary, I think I already told you (in an old L&L thread) that I quite enjoy that, especially with the Grey's School Life story. However, don't totally neglect the description and narrative, because people don't usually talk about their surroundings so I don't think you can get enough imagery and description of the settings through if you concentrate only on speech.

    Hope this helped!
    DF  Post #: 3
    7/1/2008 5:50:38   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		Thanks. One celf-criticsm I made about me was I had too much dialogues. If I removed them, the story would be just a few paragraphs. I'll fix 'em up later... got school
    AQ DF  Post #: 4
    7/1/2008 8:24:56   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		Anyways... Grey's school life is back. Before the Bane of This World returns... this story would've been finished.
    AQ DF  Post #: 5
    7/3/2008 7:47:44   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		Okay, I've taken Fabula's criticism to action. Chapter 2 is here and dialouges are kinda short now compared to the details. Also, a new character has been introduced.... dedicated to the 1st of the 3 most helpful contribuitors to my stories: Demoltion Dragon
    AQ DF  Post #: 6
    7/3/2008 21:11:15   
    demolitiondragon
    Constructively Friendly!


    		 First public critique... *gulp*

    ~All corrections in this critique are suggestions only. If you see something here that you do not think applies, feel free to leave it out. Some things may well be wrong. I use Australian English, so there may be some differences in spellings.~

    Post #1:
    quote:

    Even from a distance, it could've been seen that they were students.

    I would suggest 'could be seen'.
    quote:

    Long black pants that reached up to their leather shoes and a cream T-shirts covered by a black coats was their uniform.

    'down', perhaps?
    quote:

    The brunette who was leading the way, held a large shovel, which was about four and a half feet in length, with his right hand and rested its fulcrum on his shoulder.

    Could I suggest 'The brunette who was leading the way rested a large four-and-a-half-foot shovel on his right shoulder.' to cut down on the commas?
    quote:

    The blade was polished clean and slightly rusted on one side.

    'polished clean, but slightly rusted on one side.' perhaps?
    quote:

    Though it was polished, a few stains of blood remained.

    quote:

    “Are you sure about this?” the blonde man asked.

    quote:

    “I can prove to you that my large pickaxe is better than your shovel in treasure hunting anytime, but do we really need to cut classes again?”

    quote:

    The brunet turned around and stared at his companion’s dark eyes.

    'into' might fit better.
    quote:

    Like the shovel, it had bloodstains on the head.

    I believe that's one word.
    quote:

    The pointed edge was two feet in length and four inches in width while the length of the handle to the edge was also four feet.

    Nothing else was 4ft.
    quote:

    It had seemed as if it were used as a weapon as well.

    'had been' ? For the second one, I would suggest 'before'.
    quote:

    “Let’s go then!” he exclaimed excitingly.

    Otherwise, excitingly should probably be 'excitedly'.
    quote:

    Upon reaching their destination, Ryan shouted, “All right, we’re here!"

    "Let’s dig there by the shade,” he continued as he pointed to a spot under the shade of an oak tree.

    Since it's the same person talking, we can use the same paragraph, like so: ' Upon reaching their destination, Ryan shouted, "Alright, we're here!" He pointed to a spot under an oak tree. "Let's dig there, by the shade." '
    quote:

    He plunged his shovel’s blade into the ground, pressed his foot on it, and lifted the soil.

    I would use 'stamped' or 'stomped'. Gives it more power.
    quote:

    “Who cares? As long as we’ll find something, we’ll have no regrets,”

    Good call. It really shows his character.
    quote:

    The two removed their black attire --but kept their pants on, folded them crosswise and placed them on their shoulders.

    I would hope they would, but they've only referred to their jackets. You could also replace 'attire' with 'coats' or 'jackets'.

    (Will finish after class is finished.)
    (Class has now finished.)

    quote:

    With a calm face and a small grin, he started to dig again. Sweat started to drip from his face again.

    I would suggest changing one of these to something else to avoid over-use. For the first, I would suggest 'expression', the second, 'brow' or 'forehead'.
    quote:

    Skyler lifted his tool up and showed its spade-like bottom.

    That's fine, but you could also use 'presented' if you wanted to.
    quote:

    An interruption; a big “clang” echoed through their ears.

    I would suggest 'loud' instead of 'big'. Instead of putting " marks around 'clang', you could put it in italics instead. 'in' might be better than 'through', but I /think/ that may be stylistic...
    quote:

    The sound the vibration produced by the shovel and by whatever it hit was similar to that of a ringing bell.

    I would suggest 'The bell-like sound came from the shovel as it hit something in the earth.'

    (Class)

    < Message edited by demolitiondragon -- 7/3/2008 23:52:31 >
    Post #: 7
    7/4/2008 6:08:03   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		1) Thanks but... I'll stick with what I've got
    2) Uhh... the uniform speaks for each individual...
    3) Ryan is a boy... therefor... brunet.
    4) Thanks. Will fix
    5) Blonde is a for girls
    6) Thanks again.
    AQ DF  Post #: 8
    7/4/2008 9:09:57   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		Sketch #2 done. Heh, why did I do Danielle before Ryan? Oh well
    AQ DF  Post #: 9
    7/6/2008 15:38:09   
    Fleur Du Mal
    Member

    		Hi there!

    Comments for Chapter 2, Visions:
    There were some typos and some (imho) cumbersome sentences. Continue trying to add to the description. I mean, the plot is fun and effortless to follow, so you could really add even more stuff described around it...

    1)
    quote:

    The infrastructures weren’t much.

    This sentence is a bit strange, imo. Do you mean that the infrastructure of the town was bad (meaning poor roads and lacking reserves and basic services), that there were only a few houses, making the city small or that the buildings and roads that were there weren't much to look at?
    'There wasn't much infrastructure.' or
    'There weren't many buildings to talk about.'?

    2)
    quote:

    Crammed houses, small clinics, a tavern, an inn, and a school were all to see and visit.

    Somehow, that sounds to me like these buildings were open for visits or something... How about:
    '...were all that there was to see and visit.' or
    '...were the only buildings available.'?

    3)
    quote:

    The roads were cemented and lesser in elevation compared to the sidewalks.

    For me, the fact that sidewalk are higher than the roads goes without saying. So, are you saying that the road were considerably lower than the sidewalks? Like in some (sub)tropical cities that suffer from occasional hefty rainfall?

    4)
    quote:

    Upon reaching the block where Ryan’s house was built,

    Just a suggestion: a plain 'stood' could do the job better, imho.

    5)
    quote:

    A brunette, who was about the same height as the two men but was slightly shorter, leaned on a lamp pole.

    A very cumbersome way to say that 'she was nearly as tall as the two men', imho.

    6)
    quote:

    She was wearing checkered skirt of dark green and red,

    I suspect that you need an article, 'a', between 'wearing' and 'checkered'.

    7)
    quote:

    She also wore a small red fiery gem she around her neck that embellished her appearance.

    That can be removed.

    8)
    quote:

    Her uniform had a badge attached to it with the letters F, B, and I inscribed.

    There maybe many opinions about this, but I like your indirect way of saying she's from the FBI here! So much more fun to read it like this than with plain 'She was from the FBI.' Yay for you!

    9)
    quote:

    Do you see me with any stolen objects

    It's speech, so it can be different from the usual written stuff, but anyway, I think that replacing that 'with' with 'carrying' might work even better.

    10)
    quote:

    I’m not sure if it was stolen from the museum but I know it’s more than your family could afford.

    A suggestion how you to take if you want to add on the emphasis: '...but I know it's worth considerably more than your family could ever afford.'
    Your call, of course.

    11)
    quote:

    “Hey, Dee,” Ryan called as he waves

    A typo? I think that should be in the past tense: 'waved'.

    12)
    quote:

    the brunette interrupted as she straitened her standing position.

    'straightened'?

    13)
    quote:

    And if what you’re saying is true, that person could your accomplice.

    I suspect there's 'be' missing between 'could' and 'your'.

    14) A minor suggestion: maybe the FBI-lady might deliberate for a brief moment before allowing the boys to interfere with her case?

    15)
    quote:

    “I’ll just check the mail…” Upon reading the letter and scanning through the words, Ryan said,

    Now, I like this addition of a 'random' event to the story. However, it goes by a bit too quickly and comes up a bit too sudden to really fit in, meaning that I think you need some more transition and description to it. The letter is mentioned here the first time, so I think that you need either to edit that to : 'Upon reading a letter he had received...' or you need to add a sentence before that describing how he open the mailbox, finds a letter inside and as he recognises the handwriting on top of it to be his uncle's, he rips the cover open, anxious to find out what he has to tell him.... These kinds of quirks in the story make it feel so much more alive -- the guys are observing the surroundings and act upon changes -- so don't remove it, just work it into the story a bit more.

    16)
    quote:

    they were just staring at their sides.

    Imho, 'just looking around the surroundings' or 'staring past each other' would sound better, but that might be just me....

    17)
    quote:

    Her steel-blue eyes started at him.

    'stared'?

    18)
    quote:

    The thief ran towards and bumped her.

    I think that should be 'towards her'. That would require further rewording: 'The thief ran toward her and ended up bumping her aside.' Or something.
    Or do you mean: 'The thief ran forward and bumped her.'?

    19)
    quote:

    His right arm held a class case

    'glass'?

    20)
    quote:

    The student landed on her skirt. Her left leg was extended forward as she landed while her right leg was bent and her leather shoe landed upright on the sidewalk.

    You might want to kill off some of that repetition. Consider changing the second one to 'hit the ground' and replacing the last one with 'flew off, ending up lying upside-down', for example.

    21)
    quote:

    Getting up, she noticed it lying on the floor motion less.

    'motionless' without the space.

    22)
    quote:

    Ryan held half a sheet of paper with a short paragraph written on it. It was hand-written and blue ink was used.

    I think you could achieve a better flow by binding these two sentences together:
    'Ryan held half a sheet of paper with a short, hand-written paragraph on it, jotted down with blue ink.' Or something of the like....

    23)
    quote:

    As she reached her room, she turned the knob, entered, and locked her room.

    A suggestion: kill that last room with '...and locked the door behind her.'

    24)
    quote:

    She tried to force herself to have a hard landing on her bed.

    Sounds a bit cumbersome, imho. How about: 'She tried to force herself to land hard on her bed.' or 'She crashed into the bed.'?

    Alright? Did I make any sense?
    Waiting for the next chapters, lol....
    DF  Post #: 10
    7/7/2008 6:14:25   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		Heh, exited for your char?

    Anyways, thanks. Next time, when rephrasing a sentence... I'll delete the whole thing...
    AQ DF  Post #: 11
    7/9/2008 7:20:09   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		Anyways... updated. One more part for chapter 2. Let the first action chapter-part begin... after this update :D
    AQ DF  Post #: 12
    7/10/2008 12:11:56   
    Fleur Du Mal
    Member

    		Of course I'm excited to see that particular character!
    While waiting for that, I'll point out some things that stuck out when reading the newest update of Visions.

    1)
    quote:

    Senate Officer Joseph Shadebainer has yet again made a thousand of lives happy.

    I'm not 100% sure, but I suspect that that should be either 'a thousand lives' or 'thousands of lives'. I think you need to double-check this.

    2)
    quote:

    He calmly returned the device to the furniture.

    'to' or 'on'?

    3)
    quote:

    A small grinned occupied his face after he heard the not-well-delivered yet informative report.

    A typo?
    'grin'

    4) If you want to, you could chop up the Ryan's line by ending the quote before he laughs, describe the event and then give the last line. Something like this:
    "...How did I forget it? He was XXX to my father." Letting out a bitter laugh, Ryan continued, "With my new power… I was able to revive that event from oblivion!"
    Your call.

    5)
    quote:

    and green shorts with pockets on the front sides that reached down to his knees for his bottom.

    There's something wrong with this description, I think. I'm suspecting that it's that preposition or/and the 'bottom'. 'down to his knees from his waist?'

    6)
    quote:

    “Make me!” Ryan notices Skyler’s eye glow yellow.

    A typo?
    'noticed'?

    7) About the room number. Doubt that sort of details would make the news. They could, however, say that the Town has offered him the grand/president/senator-suit of the Inn...
    The boys could easily find the room in a number of different ways:
    a) There's a button in the elevator, saying bluntly, "Suites". As some hotels do keep their best suites in a separate floor....
    b) They just go to the top/first floor since they know that the Hotel/inn has their grand-suit there
    c) They scout the Inn from outside and look which room has its own balcony or something...
    d) Some other way to work around the fact the number wasn't given in the news...

    8)
    quote:

    While waiting, Skyler heard whispers conversing about the shovel Ryan was carrying.

    Uhm, perhaps this should go:'Skyler heard people conversing in whispers about the shovel Ryan was carrying.'?
    Because I doubt that it can be written that way since whispers don't really converse.

    9)
    quote:

    Unfortunately, a well-muscled bodyguard blocked the entrance. He wore shades and a black coat.

    A stylistic suggestion. The text feels a bit choppy here, because in the middle of building up the tension, you have this separate info-sentence. You could merge these two sentence together or merge the latter one to the sentence where the bodyguard speaks up. E.g.:
    'Unfortunately, a well-muscled bodyguard blocked the entrance. The two approached him. “What do you want?” asked the figure who stood on their way, wearing shades and a black coat.'
    or
    'Unfortunately, a well-muscled bodyguard wearing shades and clad in a black coat, blocked the entrance.'

    10)
    quote:

    He was able to tell with the expression on Skyler’s face that he was up to something.

    I think that preposition should be either 'by' or 'from'?

    11)
    quote:

    And this where you come; using your Vision,

    Is there the word 'is' missing between 'this' and 'where'?

    12)
    quote:

    “Is Danielle home?” Ryan asked. From a distance, his companion rested his back on a tree and observed.

    I quite liked this addition of description abouts Skyler's doings in the meanwhile. It adds to the scene!

    13)
    quote:

    The man replied with a nod. “But she hasn’t been herself lately. She hasn’t even come out of her room. Is there something wrong, Ryan?”

    A suggestion: Since this man knows Ryan and Ryan knows him, maybe you could also tell us, who he is instead of calling him 'The man' for the second time?
    'Danielle's father/uncle/etc replied with a nod.'

    14)
    quote:

    Danielle’s face was filled with wiped tears and her cheeks were red.

    There's a contradiction here: since she's wiped them away already, her face can't be filled with them anymore.
    How about:
    'Danielle's face was covered by streaks from wiped tears and her cheeks were flushed.'

    15)
    quote:

    Danielle remained silent but made the door’s opening wider. After Ryan entered, she slammed the door and locked it.

    Not sure about that tense. Should it be:'had entered'?
    Also, the door gets mentioned a lot. I think you could go with a simple 'it' here to avoid the repetition: '...she slammed it shut and secured it by a turn of a key.'?
    Just a suggestion.

    16)If you like, you could add some more description about how Danielle gets a bit scared and how Ryan succeeds to soothe her that the very end. It's a bit abrupt now, imHo.

    Hope this helped!

    Now I'm waiting to learn what are they going to blackmail that guy on!
    Hmm... I think I have a hunch what a certain character, yet to be introduced, shall be doing soon...
    DF  Post #: 13
    7/11/2008 6:34:29   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		Thanks. Blackmail? Heh... let's just say that guy's married.
    AQ DF  Post #: 14
    7/12/2008 8:29:52   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		Okay, Fabula, done with your chracter sketch. to make it more appealing, I made the hair slightly longer. I'll post the pic when I color it with GIMP
    AQ DF  Post #: 15
    7/12/2008 8:32:40   
    Fleur Du Mal
    Member

    		OH...
    I'm hearing some drums...
    BTW, Do you do the sketches by hand or by GIMP/some other program?
    DF  Post #: 16
    7/12/2008 8:40:46   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		I use pencil but color them with GIMP.

    Hmm... when am I gonna sketch Ryan?

    Btw... a few more changes were done to your char:

    spoiler:


    1) Still a Junior CSI agent but lied about his age (he's 15/16)
    2) Hair... a little bit longer. It it were short... I would've had a VERY hard time making him look good. Besides, his pic has his hair being blown by the wind.



    Also, I haven't colored it yet because my brother is using the computer that is linked to our scanner.

    < Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 7/12/2008 8:59:05 >
    AQ DF  Post #: 17
    7/24/2008 20:36:36   
    demolitiondragon
    Constructively Friendly!


    		 (Grey's School Life)

    First post. =P
    quote:

    Also, this is one kind of story which contains A LOT of dialogues.


    Chapter 1
    quote:

    We spend half the class discussing about our behavior.

    ^ Don't really need that.
    quote:

    Too bad that that snitchy kid is “guarding” the door.

    Also, if you wanted to, you could use ' ' marks to highlight 'guarding'. That would separate it from speech more clearly.
    quote:

    Hmm… Maybe I should volunteer to be one and cut all my Alchemy Classes.

    ^ Could also use an exclamation mark at the end, but I /think/ that's stylistic...
    quote:

    Lucky, my teacher can’t hear these thoughts in my head.

    ^ 'Luckily' seems to strike me as third person more than first.
    quote:

    I stood up and looked at her with a cold look of disappointment, boredom, and uh… even more boredom? But in reality, I was a bit surprised.

    ^ That is what I would suggest, otherwise putting a comma after the second 'boredom'.
    quote:

    My right hand’s knuckles supported me by pushing against my desk as I stood lazily.

    ^ It sounds as though he's pushing the desk away from him. Assuming he's not?
    quote:

    I acted to be well-mannered for once and started to speak.

    ^ I'd use 'pretended' instead of 'acted'.
    quote:

    She’s my seatmate and a… childhood friend. She’s kinda pretty… and an A-student. And she's my height; we're both about five feet tall. Well, duh! That's because we are both fifteen. But heh, not my type. Besides, I’m kinda like a brown-hair person. Blonds should go for blondes and brown-hairs should go for brunettes.

    ^ This would work better not italicised. It's a bit too strange a thought for direct thought, I think. =P
    quote:

    “Encouraged,” my… blonde seatmate whispered.

    ^ To you, what you told me: blonde for females. =]
    quote:

    Now class, please open your textbooks to page two hundred fifty-two.”

    quote:

    Heh, this is how class is most of the time. Pretty much useless.

    ^ Again, a bit strange for a direct thought. I would suggest rephrasing it somehow. "Class as normal- pretty much useless." or "Another useless class." ?
    quote:

    We live near a forgery and we’re gonna go there on a fieldtrip for our Blacksmith Class.

    ^ It's a fake? ;D
    quote:

    And this school is so cheap.

    ^ You can add emphasis to a word by leaving it unitalised, if you want.
    quote:

    We don’t have History or Science...

    ^ Otherwise, I think "We have neither History nor Science." 'Nor' seems to sound too... formal?

    (Back later with more)
    Post #: 18
    7/24/2008 20:47:51   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		Thanks. I took some into consideration... heh... talking to the audience is confusing my tenses.
    AQ DF  Post #: 19
    7/24/2008 21:20:00   
    demolitiondragon
    Constructively Friendly!


    		 (Grey's School Life)

    Chapter 2
    quote:

    It’s about nine in the morning; just five more hours until I can walk back home and do whatever I want. Too bad it’s Alchemy Class right now. And what luck! A pop quiz! I think our teacher is doing this to make us suffer. I mean, wasting half the time of class and then giving us a quiz?! What a tyrant Ms. Cherrybloom is!

    ^ That works as a direct thought. Needs italics, though.
    quote:

    I slammed the paper on my wooden desk, took my pencil and started to get reading.

    quote:

    “What? This is too easy! It’s just the transformation of one thing to another… I think,”

    quote:

    “Hmm... ah! It’s because it has liquor as an ingredient!” I thought excitedly.

    ^ You said he was talking to himself. Wouldn't someone have told him to shut up, or stop giving the answers away?
    quote:

    I finished ten minutes early, so I took a nap.

    ^ I used to do that sometimes... though I always had more time than that. ;]
    quote:

    She spoke in an annoying tone; pretending to be surprised and caring and sweet and all.

    ^ Well put! Teachers do that a lot!
    quote:

    My classmates stopped answering writing and paid full attention to our conversation. Some even turned their chair around.

    ^ I'd suggest this goes as a new paragraph.
    quote:

    My teacher grabbed my papers from my desk and read it quietly.

    ^ You said he only took one.
    quote:

    “Grey!” she shouted, “you got nothing right!”

    ^ XD
    quote:

    I swiftly stood and scanned the paper in her hands.

    quote:

    “In Question #1, you gave a description of metamorphosis.

    quote:

    My classmates switched their end of their pencils, erased their answers and wrote the new ones which my teacher had exclaimed.

    ^ Typical of students. XD And teachers.
    quote:

    His name? Drake Mythyshire... Like Ashley, he’s a blond but he’s taller than the two of us; about 5’ 9”… that’s because he’s sixteen. Sure am lucky to have classes with a senior like him! But it feels kinda strange to have someone who acts “cold” most of the time help you out. I mean, usually, he talks without any seem of care or pity. And he doesn’t even look at you in the eye when he converses. Well, if he does, don’t look at his sapphire-blue eyes…

    ^ Doesn't work as a direct thought.
    quote:

    Grey, detention- now!”

    quote:

    Here, detention isn’t a boring class-extension. They’ll make you fight a beast with the resources of the class you suck in the most. Great… I’m gonna fight with some ingredients!

    ^ I would suggest rephrasing this, so that he's telling us indirectly. Or it could be a surprise to the reader.
    Post #: 20
    7/24/2008 22:16:01   
    demolitiondragon
    Constructively Friendly!


    		 (Grey's School Life)

    Chapter 3
    quote:

    Heh, according to my memories… Alchemy Class-idiots battle something random.

    ^ I would suggest 'from memory'.
    quote:

    They'll most likely be scattered in the field…

    ^ I'd use 'they'll' here, keeping with Grey's slang.
    quote:

    I was in a Colosseum-like Arena.

    quote:

    A large crowd was watching me; my peers were laughing. Some people whom I’ve never met cheered.

    ^ I'd suggest a split like this.
    quote:

    For me? Or for the beast, or whatever it is?

    ^ Well done.
    quote:

    The faculty of Alchemy teachers sat on the first row, holding a pen in one hand and a paper on their lap.

    ^ I'm confused- is this one person (in which case, please capitalise Faculty) or a group (in which case, I would suggest they were 'holding pens in one hand and papers on their laps')?
    quote:

    The floor was a solid compacted layer of soil and charred remains; just dust and ashes.

    ^ Reminds me of the Bane of this World. Unsurprising, really, seeing it's the prequel. ;]
    quote:

    Several plants and corpses were scattered in the arena.

    ^ Would they really leave dead things laying around in a school?
    quote:

    This makes me wonder… what does happen if a student loses? It must be very rare.

    ^ Otherwise, I'd suggest replacing 'does happen' for 'happens'.
    quote:

    As soon as the fog cleared, the crowd grew wild.

    ^ Fog? You never mentioned there being any until now.
    quote:

    It was ten feet tall and armed with two axes; one in each hand!

    quote:

    Its weapons had damaged blades; they were full of rust and the handle had blade marks on it.

    ^ Plural.
    quote:

    No blood was stained on the axe though.

    ^ I would suggest "No blood stained the axes, though." or "There were no bloodstains on the axes, though."
    quote:

    It was Either that they cleaned it off, or this monster was harmless… Yeah right!

    quote:

    Man, I should’ve pretended to suck at Swordsman Class instead!

    ^ -1 full stop, needs italics.
    quote:

    Before I could move, it broke free from its chains and gave me a quick tackle.

    ^ I would suggest "tackled me."
    quote:

    Smoke rose from the ground as I slid across the floor.

    ^ What's burning?
    quote:

    “Hmm… it still has its teeth… and they’re rotten! I could make a sleep potion and uh… kill it with a stone!”

    ^ This could perhaps be better as a direct thought... Minotaurs don't understand normal speech, do they?
    quote:

    The minotaur swung its axe, crushing the bones into powdery bits.

    ^ Why would it swing at the dead troll? might have to specify that it missed Grey.
    quote:

    I bent my legs and leapt over it.

    quote:

    Since trolls have forty teeth, there was enough powder for me to pick up.

    ^ I would suggest 'scoop up'. It sounds like he's bending down and picking dust up grain by grain. Hope he washes his hands before eating anything... XP
    quote:

    Sure is a good thing that they have Gym here as well… we have to jump at least eight feet to pass. Really good training!

    ^ Direct thought.
    quote:

    Wait! Since I’m a negative kind of guy, it is half… empty.

    quote:

    I knelt and picked up the small red stone.

    ^ Confused. He saw the flameruby sparkling, or the bottle of... stuff? At first, I thought it was the bottle, but it turns out the ruby... Might need to make it clearer what he's going for.
    quote:

    Flames from torches emitted light, giving it a brilliant lustre.

    ^ *grins* iJeweller. Like descriptions of rocks. ^_^
    quote:

    The minotaur crushed it with its sturdy, muscular legs and took a few steps forward.

    ^ Crushed it with it's feet, maybe?
    quote:

    “Let’s see… what I’ve got is a flameruby which is powdered and behind the minotaur, a few of the powdered teeth, and powdered orange juice in my pocket.

    ^ Powdered orange juice... in his pocket? *scratches head* Wassat doin' there?
    quote:

    Now… how do I get past that minotaur?”

    quote:

    With luck, it was a hit.

    ^ I would suggest "Luck was with me, it hit."
    quote:

    Using the opportunity, I crept behind it and rushed to the bottle of liquor.

    quote:

    Trying to embarrass my competitor, I slowly walked to the item, and picked it up. I placed some orange juice (where?), and shook it well. I walked back behind the minotaur, poured the contents of the bottle onto the powdered ruby, and… licked the floor.

    ^ Too long and fragmented, I think. Yukky licking arena floors! XD
    quote:

    The minotaur, struggling in its blind condition, swung its axes wildly.

    ^ Suggestion.
    quote:

    One of its axe heads slipped off, making it an easier target.

    quote:

    I was near enough to be hit…

    quote:

    Too bad for that big guy that I’m behind him…

    quote:

    I picked up a rib from the ground and threw it, aiming for the minotaur's back.

    ^ You never mentioned the rib before now.
    quote:

    Trying to hit me back, the beast turned around –yeah, 180 degrees- and gave me a swift, solid punch.

    quote:

    But with the magic of Alchemy, I caught his hand with my fist, locked it, and yanked it over me. The crowd cheered for me. Like every other winner, I bragged by raising my arms up high.

    ^ He just had to tip the minotaur off its feet?
    quote:

    My moment of glory was then ended, as Ms. Cherrybloom raised her voice and said, “Grey, it was obvious that you used a strength potion. Question: How’d you get the liquor?”

    ^ I'd use 'where'd', but this is fine, too.
    quote:

    Before I could respond, she then accused me of bringing drugs to school.

    ^ Difference between substances.
    quote:

    Seesh! She must’ve been the one who placed it there. She knows that I know my alchemy and made the strength potion my only option. Oh well… Principal’s Office, here I come.

    ^ Suggest that be a new paragraph.

    < Message edited by demolitiondragon -- 7/24/2008 22:34:31 >
    Post #: 21
    7/24/2008 23:38:58   
    demolitiondragon
    Constructively Friendly!


    		 (Grey's School Life)

    Chapter 4 (the temporary end of spamming you with critiques)
    quote:

    The principal’s voice seemed calm as if he was psychologically assessing me.

    ^ Was that other thing a word?
    quote:

    There were just two people in it, the fat, pale-skinned principal and a young girl, about five years old.

    quote:

    Heh, who’d marry this guy anyway?

    ^ Harsh. =[
    quote:

    “Whatever your problem is, we’ll try to fix it,” he repeated.

    quote:

    A lot of changes need to be made.

    quote:

    Personally, I’d go for Swordsman Class, and Hunter Class.”

    quote:

    Stop assessing me!

    quote:

    I was hoping that that would’ve frustrated him though… and I was right.

    quote:

    We need to train you for war!”

    ^ An exclamation mark gives it more force.
    quote:

    “It sure will." Think of all the brunettes in the prom! "Let’s make the changes start tomorrow,”

    ^ I don't think he'd have mentioned the brunettes to the principal! XD
    quote:

    “I’ll be going then, no need to continue this discussion; we’ve fixed the problem already anyway."

    quote:

    I heard him call me back, but I pretended I hadn't heard and just ignored him.

    quote:

    When I came through the door, I heard a young boy shout, “Grey’s alive!”

    ^ Optimistic, aren't they?
    quote:

    A large crowd gathered in front of me asking what happened and other stuff, like if they could possibly get my autograph.

    quote:

    I noticed two girls… and what luck! Brunettes!

    ^ XD
    quote:

    They were pulling the arm straps of my bag from each other.

    ^ You could just say they were having a tug-of-war over the bag.
    quote:

    Heh, I guess this is popularity.

    ^ I'd suggest this be a new paragraph.
    quote:

    “Dear students of the Geohaven Academy, a bright student came to my office and suggested several changes to our school system.”

    quote:

    Noise coming from students and as well as from the teachers began to spread.

    quote:

    And from time to time, we shall have these academic contests and activities like when I used to be a kid.

    ^ I would say "young". More formal from a principal.
    quote:

    He left the stage, ignoring the complaints made by the teachers.

    quote:

    “Then you better hurry if you’re that desperate to have the same classes as me, because other girls will be asking for my class,” I bragged jokingly.

    ^ No need for italics. He's certainly very presumptuous, isn't he?
    quote:

    It all seemed okay, but then I heard the “splat” sound and felt a slap on my face.

    quote:

    She stomped on my right foot and left me in pain.

    ^ You describe the hurt in the next few sentences. V
    quote:

    That hurt, ‘ya know. No, I’m not emotionally hurt, my… uh, my face is red on one side and m-my toe hurts. Yeah, that’s it. Physical pain, not emotional pain…

    ^ New paragraph for this, k?


    EDIT: Read Visions, just for fun.

    < Message edited by demolitiondragon -- 7/25/2008 1:18:29 >
    Post #: 22
    7/26/2008 8:56:59   
    Crimzon5
    Member

    		Updated Visions. The first of many enemies has arrived. Also working on a poem.

    Thanks demo.

    *sniff* why did Fabula have to go?
    AQ DF  Post #: 23
    7/28/2008 13:37:25   
    ~Shade~
    Member

    ~Shade~, Critiquing Visions as per Request in Want a Critique with that Rating?



    Chapter One

    quote:

    Two young men of average height traversed down a small path leading to a forest.


    Maybe I'm just used to critiquing Mulder with his formality and informality, but "of average height"? Do you really need that? Perhaps, "Two ordinary young men traversed..."

    quote:

    The brunet, who was leading the way rested a large four-and-a half-foot in length shovel's fulcrum on his shoulder.


    You need a comma after way. Same thing with "four-and-a-half-foot" as before, but I suppose these details will be important.

    quote:

    “I can prove to you that my large pickaxe is better than your shovel in treasure hunting anytime but do we really need to cut classes again?”


    Okay, please, please, please get rid of large. It has no relevance to the sentence whatsoever except to describe the pickaxe a little bit more, and it isn't very useful at that.

    quote:

    The brunet turned around and stared at his companion’s dark eyes, “Skyler, it’s first period...."


    Change the comma after eyes to a period.

    quote:

    The two removed their black attire, folded them crosswise and placed them on their shoulders.


    Comma after crosswise.

    quote:

    “Deep breaths, my friend, deep breaths. I’ll take over,’ suggested Skyler.


    That ' after over needs to be a ".


    Chapter Two

    quote:

    No two of them had the same height but each of them had a unique number from one to ten marked on his hood.


    Comma after height.


    It was excellent! In fact, I'm going to go finish it.

    I really liked this story, and you did an excellent job so far.

    Rating: 8/10.

    ~Shade~
    Post #: 24
    7/28/2008 14:02:05   
    Recar Dragonlance
    Member

    		*Stabs flag into ground* Sorry for ignoring you...I owe you critiques...erm...what one do you want me to do? XD
    DF  Post #: 25
    Page:   [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
    All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> Crimz's semi-retired Workz
    Page 1 of 712345>»
    Jump to:



    Advertisement




    Icon Legend
    New Messages No New Messages
    Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
    Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
     Post New Thread
     Reply to Message
     Post New Poll
     Submit Vote
     Delete My Own Post
     Delete My Own Thread
     Rate Posts




    Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

    "AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
    and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.
    PRIVACY POLICY


    Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition