Recar Dragonlance
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Hey!
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The roads were cemented and lesser in elevation compared to the sidewalks.
Some things you don't need to describe. This is one of them. You can take out that the roads are lower than the paths.
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The directions to Ryan’s house, from where they were, were:
stood
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A brunette, who nearly the same height as the two men, leaned on a lamp pole.
They are seventeen years old, they aren't men. XD I wouldn't consider Jason from CotW a man, and he's more mature than these two XD two boys. Also, isn't it "lamp post"...or is that just an English thing.
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a blue blazer and red eye contacts.
He wouldn't know that she's wearing eye contacts... Just say that they were red eyes, and they were perculiar.
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Danielle opened her mouth but before any word came out, the officer spoke, “She has committed a homicide.” The
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“I told you, Officer Pheona, I didn’t do it! I haven’t anyone in my life!”
killed goes inbetween those two words.
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How could I have forgotten how he had looked like?
what
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Lanceler pressed the button which triggered the electrical current to stop flowing to the TV.
Less is more, my friend. I wanna know about the story, not how you turn off a T.V. Remember not to put things like this in since there is no real relevance to anything. Just say he turned off the T.V.
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“I hate to be the one to tell you but... Mrs. Derem is dead. Danielle must be depressed but I think I can cheer her up.”
XD Sorry, that was so insensitive it made me laugh. If he found blood on his wives bed, he would make Danielle tell him what happened. No matter how nice of a guy he might be... Danielle would be the person to tell her dad anyway... Also, put yourself into Ryan's shoes. Would you, as a human being not Crimzon, say that without it fazing you one bit. They are teenagers as well, so they probably wouldn't even be able to tell him. And how do they have the right to tell him that his wife is dead? Finally, he moved straight on from that point and went to talk about Danielle. Take this sentence out at all costs. He could still tell him that his wife's dead, but make him have emotion. Ryan and Lancellor are human's, they feel things, so this would at least make them feel upset, so the words wouldn't come as naturally as this. Write a paragraph about how awkward it was and that they hadn't thought through what they were going to say to him.
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“Fine, come in.” Danielle's father opened the door wider and let his visitor in. Ryan ascended the stairs.
He doesn't care that his wife is dead...come on Crimzon, I KNOW you can do better that this. Emotion, my friend, emotion. What would this character feel when he was told the person he loves, and promised to spend the rest of his life with, and the person who gave birth to his child had died?
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what happened earlier—” The The door opened slowly.
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She wasn’t wearing her contacts anymore. She wasn’t wearing her contacts anymore.
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What was that? Hmm… must be a side-effect of her ability… “Tell me
That needs to be in italics if that's a thought.
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“There’s this guy I wanna kill, but he has a bodyguard who won’t let us pass;
Emotion. People don't just say that unless they are mentally disturbed. It takes a lot for a human to take another humans life. Show the hate that bubbles through his blood at the ver thought of this person.
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The brunette raised her hand. Slap! Ryan felt a quick jolt on his face.
"The brunette raised her hand and slapped Ryan across the face." Less is more. By rewording it, that sentence gives off a more shocking effect.
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As his eyes followed its movements, he noticed Ryan and Danielle conversing.
You used that earlier in the chapter so talking would be appropriate enough.
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“Very well then-” Before she continued, she noticed a ring wrapped around his forth finger (the thumb being the first).
1. People don't say "Very well then-" unless they are big buisness men in a mega meeting. "Ok then-" would be more human. 2. "she noticed a ring on his finger" People will automatically assume that it's on that finger, since that's where wedding rings go.
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“No-no! Let me explain. I have a dangerous job. In the process… I lost my wife. My enemies knew that the only way to hurt me was through my family,” he hesitantly spoke.
“Oh, sorry to hear that… So, we still up for later?”
Right... Well, if a woman heard that his wife was murdered because of the man's job, she would be at least a tincy wincy bit reluctant to go on a date with him. So, he could just say "I lost my wife a few years ago..." and she reply with "Oh, sorry to hear that..."
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Heh… he shoos use boys and asks the girl if he can do anything for her.
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“Umm…” Danielle bashfully replied.
How can "Umm" be bashfull?
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Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. Danielle, mischievous as always.
Take that out. Just say he frowned playfully or something and chased after her. That thought is unhuman.
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Lanceler shook his head. “No, I’ll be black.” Joseph smiled and let out a small breath from his nostrils. He moved a pawn from e2 to e4. Lanceler smiled and charged his pawn from e7-e5. “Your move…” Shadebainer grinned and moved his queen to Square h5. Lanceler thought for a while and dropped his jaw. He couldn’t think of a counter for that move. The game moves were as followed:
We don't need to know about the game of chess. Chess is only fun to play, not so much to watch. Even less so to read about it. Just say that they did battle of the minds before they battled with swords. Say who was winning at first, then who came up from behind and took over, and then finally who won.
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“Oh yeah, before I forget,” interrupted Ryan, “TAKE THIS!!!”
If you want someone to scream something, put it in italics. NEVER put more than one exclamation mark. That goes for anything you do in English Class as well.
Sorry if I sound harsh, it's just I hate it when people don't fulfill their potential. I've told you before that you can do good... You're characters in this chapter aren't very human, when they normally are. Look at the things I've pointed out above and try and empathise with the characters you have made. Sorry again for not using a nicer tone, but that was how the words came out XD Well...have fun! (Don't worry, DD was on the verge of shouting at me when she read chapter one of CotW XD).
< Message edited by Recar Dragonlance -- 8/9/2008 14:05:19 >
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