Fleur Du Mal
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Hi!
Finally, I have the time to type my comments for you.
I noticed the amount of work you have put into editing Visions. And yes, there has been significant improvement. I liked the clear majority of the changes like the addition in the very beginning of the story where you tell the story of the boys feigning that they had been kidnapped. It brings more authenticity to the characters and creates a small piece of history of the story.
The only change that I think you ran into trouble with was changing the crime Danielle is accused of. Imho, this event, this new crime is now stated somewhat lightly, without the necessary grief and shock that should be portrayed through Danielle's and her father's behaviour, thoughts and actions. On the other hand, if you play the drama to its full extent, it may become too overwhelming, swallowing too much of the story or halting it. So, be careful with that part of the storyline...
Anyways, I'm now moving on to comment Chapter 3 which I had not previously read.
1)
quote:
Through the transparency of her glasses, one could easily see that she was bit annoyed, yet used to what she was doing. Knock knock
The opening part of this sentence feels very cumbersome to me. It is a matter of personal taste, but how about a simpler 'Through her transparent glasses'?
The other bolded part; I suspect you might need an article there: 'was a bit annoyed'
A suggestion of formatting: If you are going to leave that 'Knock knock' without any defining sentences, it might look better if it were on a separate line.
2)quote:
After all, schools often care more about its reputation than its students and services offered.
Mixing plural with singular...
Either: 'a school often care more...'
or
'about their reputation than their students'
3)quote:
Most students in their school that hate her have only to reasons:
A typo: 'two'
4)quote:
But despite her beauty, neither Ryan nor Lanceler get infatuated to her.
Wrong tense?
5)quote:
Lanceler laughed. “I forged documents about my scholarship and showed it to them. Now let’s go!”
"And... they believed that there was such a school called Gunblazer?"
This seems a bit contradictive to me. Wasn't Danielle in the principal's office, too? If she left before Lanceler gave his excuse, you should mention that.
6)quote:
Bernadette Derem, a thirty-six year old woman was found dead this morning with a katana pierced at her heart
OK, I suspect that there's something wrong with the preposition 'at'.
'with a katana piercing her heart'?
or
'with a katana pierced through her heart'
7)quote:
It was a lunar eclipse; the Earth had completely blocked the moon. It was total darkness. It was too early for any star to shine. Their only source of light was produced by Ryan’s vehicle.
Too many instances of 'it was' here, imHo. It's also quite choppy, written in this way.
Why not cutting some of them out by combining sentences?
e.g.:
'It was a lunar eclipse; the Earth had completely blocked the moon, enshrouding the trio with total darkness. As it was still too early for any start to shine, Ryan's vehicle remained their only source of light.'
8)quote:
However, he didn’t seem to look at the piece, as if he knew what it was. This was made possible by his Vision.
That latter part feels like overexplaining, as you've only a couple sentences earlier said that his eyes glow yellow, thus telling us that his vision is activated. A suggestion for you to consider: 'However, he didn’t even need to look at the piece, as his Vision told him what it was.'
9)quote:
You need, a code name, a mask. I’m currently in the process of making one, but it should be ready two days.
I don't think you need that comma in the first bolded part and that you do need 'in' in the second bolded part: 'ready in two days.'
10) quote:
Failing to kill the man whom he should’ve hated for twelve years and failing to make good decisions for the group.
I understand what you're going after with this, but could it still be more clearer if put otherwise, e.g.
'Failing to kill the man he's hated for twelve years without knowing him and...'
Anyways, I think that you have one too many repetitions of 'Danielle' in that paragraph. Consider changing the second instance to 'She'.
11)quote:
Sighing, she exhaled out miserably.
I would say that adding 'out' after 'exhaled' is a tad redundant since the exhale already tells the air going outwards.
12)quote:
Leaning on a tree, isolated from the other two, Lanceler grinned as he looked at the two.
A bit cumbersome repetition, imo. You could replace the latter with a simple 'them'
13)quote:
The force he exerted on his arms and legs caused him to drag the motorcycle at an estimated speed of 15kph.
Hmmm. Did you consider any less technical, other, more describing way to put this?
'The force he exerted on his arms and legs caused the motorcycle to fly with him as if it weighed nothing when he started to run.' Or something like that.
14)quote:
Slowly, he decelerated at a rate of 1 m/s2
The same goes here. It's just too technical for a fluent narrative, imHo.
15)quote:
This gave him that feeling that they were overdoing his healing.
Two times 'that' in the same sentence this short distance apart doesn't sound too good. How about changing that bolded one to 'the'?
16)quote:
Rotating his hands as moved his arms to direction of the door, Lanceler teased, “Ladies’ first.”
'as he moved'?
17)quote:
On the bright side, the rented room was only at the third floor.
'on'?
18)quote:
Though they were too young to drink, and don’t have any intentions of doing so, the saloon offered more than just whisky.
'didn't'
19)quote:
Lanceler scanned the area, looking for table for three that was isolated from anyone who might cause trouble. It was common for drunken people to start fights and it would be very unlucky for someone to get into a fight with a drunken person that is related to any political person. Another reason why drunken people are very dangerous is that everyone above the age of fifteen was allowed to carry an arm or any kind of weapon. But being a western-cultured town, most people armed themselves with a pair of revolvers.
I guess you already know what I'm about to say... repetition. It get's even more emphasized as it's now two words that get repeated.
20)quote:
Ryan approached the two but his weakened legs shook as it failed to carry his weight.
'they', since 'legs' is in plural.
21)quote:
“Umm… excuse me. Where did you get that interesting gem of yours?” he asked the teenaged girl boldly.
'teenage girl', I believe
22)quote:
Usually, draws start out in the pub, so life-threatening events like this didn’t seem to bother them anymore.
This sentence seems a bit blurry to me...
You mean: 'Draws started out in the pub so often that life-threatening events like this...'
Anyways, the tense of 'start' should be changed to past tense, I believe.
23)quote:
Appearing to approach the two, Lanceler walk towards the vacant seats, took a seat, and waited for them to finish.
'walked'
As a whole, I really do like the plentitude of events you've invented here. Just be careful not to rush from one thing to another and make sure that the main storyline does not get sidelined (not that it would be sidelined now, but just warning...ignore if wished, lol ). Also, you might want to watch your usage of the word 'was' as it tends to get repeated quite often. You could try to substitute it with another verb at times.
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