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7/10/2008 15:43:15   

By popular (AKA two critiques) demand, It's here!

Disease (Original)

Terror spread in the form of a terrible Disease, scarring the conscience of Brian D. Lewis, who believes he is responsible. With barely a soul left alive, he sets off with his sister, hoping to find something. When he finds his friends, he is relieved that some have survived, now deciding to fight the beasts known as Darmichrons. However, a new villain is revealed to have an army of his own. When this army is eventually defeated, the figure presents himself with a warning...a warning that he is smallfry in comparison to a threat that Brian and his team are drawing closer to facing. Now, Brian must struggle to survive with his team, as they could be the world's last free souls. The fight for the survival of what little parts of his team are human has begun, and mysteries of the long-since passed shall now be revealed...

Comment thread for my first story, Disease.

Table of Contents:


Episode One, part one
The Beginning
Episode One, part two.

Episode Two, part one
Monroe's Survivors
Episode Two, part two.
Goodby, Monroe

Episode Three, part one
Episode Three, part two.
Revelations, Round One

Episode Four, part one
Dessert Travel

What is This?
Disease needed a rewrite. I knew that it'd be such an epic rewrite that I couldn't do it in the same file. I did it in another, and now look where it has gone. It has spun a web of its own. It became so epic that I needed another thread, okay? It's still Disease, though, and deserves a comment thread. If you haven't read the old version, then I don't recommend this rewrite...yet. Why? Well, simply put, my updates will be in the old Disease, hence, the old Disease's writing quality. If you get addicted to the higher quality...then you'll receive only disappointment.

E 1
The Beginning
Summary: Tells of how the story started, without the massive monologue.
E 2
Demon of Death
Summary: Wraps up the original Episode 1 with much higher quality than before. ;)

Disease Dictionary

These are terms that are used often that I may need to explain.

Sarciller. Name given to the Disease released from Brian's body. While, in the rewrite, I had no choice but to drop the mentioning of it, the Sarciller killed nearly everyone over thirty years old and most under that age as well. Those over thirty that survived transformed into Darmichrons, while those under thirty gained supernatural abilities. Andy produces the theory that powers are related to something the person was really close to before. For example, Julie was in an Environmental program, hence, her nature powers.

Darmichrons. No explanation was given in the original as to the origin of the name, but in the rewrite, when I get there, it will have a simple explanation: Trevor's group called them Dark Monsters. Brian had joked about their resemblance to monsters in certain Anime and produces his own name for them. It made Trevor laugh and the two decided to--as a further joke--combine the two names. Oops; it stuck.
They are monsters, beasts ranging from six to nine feet tall, averaging about eight and a half. They have claws that range in size from knives to long daggers in size. Their teeth are roughly the size of two fingers. They universally have red eyes. They are beastly in nature, eating anything that they can to survive. Worse yet, they have intelligence. They have skin too hard to be pierced by most materials and can rip through solid steel with their bare hands. However, they have a weakness to both silver and things of nature.

Uldarms. Slang for Ultra Darmichron, basically. They are Darmichrons who decided to become more powerful at the cost of their free mind, being slaves under *spoiler*. They have black skin instead of brown and yellow eyes instead of red. They are stronger and much less vulnerable to silver. However, they are far more vulnerable to nature.

Renting a helmet for the Catacombs. A simile I invented based off of a certain location. Lavabeds National Park, in northern California, is probably most well-known for the loop of caves. One of the most trecherous and famous of those caves is the Catacombs--they go deep, very deep, and you have to crawl through many spots. Let me put it this way: I went in with two others, and we kept on going and going. I estimated that we had wasted at least an hour going in, and when we got to a particularly low ceiling, we eventually turned back. Turns out it was two and a half hours (round trip, at the least. What I had recorded as thirty minutes was really fourty-five, so I was at least half an hour off). We started when the daylight was still strong. The sun was high in the sky, and there were zero signs that night was approaching. When we emerged, it was dark, and our companion was shouting "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?!?" If I quoted what he actually said, it'd earn me at least a severe warning.

Anyway, very deep cave, very exploreable, and very narrow ceilings. Nobody will not bump their heads at least a few times. One year with a helmet, not going nearly as far, I bumped my head ten plus times. I lost count. Without a helmet, I bumped my head at least three times.
So, yea, helmets get destroyed in the Catacombs. In fact, in the visitor's center, it is CHEAPER to BUY the helmets then to RENT them. Are you getting the meaning of the simile yet? It's basically saying that it's a waste of time/money, futile, pointless, not worth the effort, going through more trouble for the same outcome, etc. Sure, other similes exist for that, but, hey, I want unique similes and metaphors.
Usage: "Julie, just give up already. As you say, it's like renting a helmet for the Catacombs. Just let it go."

Episode X, Part Y. This is to save me time. X can be anywhere from 1-13, while Y is either 1 or 2. For example, E 10-1 would be Episode ten, part one, where E 12-2 would be Episode twelve, part two. Make sense? I hope so, since I'm going to use it from now on...

E 1-1
Episode 1, Part One

Episode 1, Part Two

...Also, check out the current sequel to Disease, Plague


  • Get two pages

  • Get a thread two

  • Finish Disease within the year (Uh-oh...looks like I am failing...) (AAAND...FAILURE. Two years?)

    Current Other Comment Threads:

    Plague Comment Thread--If you have read Disease, then you probably should read Plague, as it is the sequel.

    My Combined Writings Thread, Now called the great library of M--A Must-see for those who like incomplete stories, short stories, and/or have read everything else. It has some really good ones in there, and others that are not-so-good that need improvement.

    Maze of Survival--It got upgraded big time! :)

    < Message edited by mastin2 -- 2/4/2009 16:17:00 >
  • Post #: 1
    7/10/2008 15:53:31   

    Okay, two things I am experimenting with:

    1: Whether I should make the Episodes/Parts Green so they stand out. Being a larger size may not help that much.

    2: A blasted index form! I can't decide. My current is having the link be the number (and the number's in the center), then the information for that post below it. To separate them, there's the hr line. Got any better Ideas?

    Oh, and I will probably be gone for a short period of time while I attempt to finish a critique which I failed to finish in word. (But first, I'll get plague and fix the last of these broken links)

    Critique away!
    Post #: 2
    7/12/2008 9:59:08   
    April 2008 Writer of the Month

    In your words "I can't believe not a soul has posted here yet"
    Well, it was something like that.

    1: No, they're fine like this. Green would be highly disturbing in both senses of the word.
    2:Also center the information on the chapter. Otherwise its fine.
    (3):Is that my critique you didn't finish? I'll just continue anyway.

    I have to go right now, but I have two equally important things to do when I get back.
    Critique you some more, and write a chapter to the Cult.
    Whenever I get back, you will be 1st/2nd on my list.
    AQ  Post #: 3
    7/13/2008 17:15:05   



    1: Thanks for the opinion. I'll keep it the same.

    2: I'll consider using that. But, honestly, I dislike using center.

    3: Jup. Never got a chance to finish it. Which is why I took a leave of absence to do plague and then...completely and utterly forgot. (I was gone Friday, Saturday, and part of today for entirely different reasons, though. Busy weekends.)
    Post #: 4
    11/15/2008 0:30:01   

    For Firefly, link to rewrite.

    I'm going to explain it more later. ;)
    Post #: 5
    11/16/2008 14:59:44   

    Alright, sorry to keep you waiting; major update is here! :)

    First of all, I realized that Saying "Episode X, Part Y" is a little tiresome. So, I decided to create a universal shortening. Instead of Saying Episode X, Part Y, I now will be using this to lessen the load:

    E X-Y.
    E = Episode, obvious.
    X = The Episode's Number, anywhere from one to thirteen.
    Y = the part, either one or two.

    So, E 5-2 is Episode 5, Part Two.

    If you don't understand, look at the dictionary. Oh, did I forget to mention that?

    NOTE: With the parts again being split into Twenty-Six episodes instead of Thirteen two-halfed episodes, this system is currently no longer needed. But I will, as of 2/4/09, at 4:21 pm server time, call the Rewrite episodes E 1, E 2, E 3, etc. And I shall spell out the unrewritten ones, as Episode1, Episode 2, etc.

    Second thing: I'm going to try and keep a dictionary with all terms used in Disease threads. It's in the first post, under the rewrite. Oh, dear...I really need to learn to stop wording things in such a way that it reveals the next thing on the list of updates...

    I started rewriting Disease. No; I'm not going to stop writing new Episodes 'til I catch up. If you want to know more, then just look at the first post in the Disease Rewrite.

    You can read it if you like. If anyone wants to critique something of mine, that thread is it. *Nudges a certain poster in this thread* But I must warn you: I'd be forever indebted to you if you ACTUALLY REACH THE END. Really, do you know how long this thing is?!? This is just the FIRST EPISODE. E 1-1 and E 1-2. That's all there is, so far. Yet, somehow, I've done it again. What makes me say all of this? Well, let's just say I did a word count. The math is a little ugly. Let's just say this: I think I finally know why people are so intimidated by threads like this.

    The two parts together are 14,115 words long. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT IS?!? That's a Novellete, right then and there! It's almost a Novella! This is just the first episode, people. There are thirteen episodes planned for Disease. Assuming I keep up the length, well...Do the math. It's not pretty. Okay, I'll save you the time of opening the calculator to calculate the math. It works out to be ~183,495 Words. Nearly 200,000 words! That's the length of five novels.

    ...Page count didn't work out much better, either. 34 pages for the first episode. Again, I did the math for you; the result is not exactly what you'd want. 442 pages, give or take. Ouch. And the file size will be roughly two Megabytes on Microsoft Word, give or take, if you're interested in that kind of fact.

    I did more math as well. Disease has grown scary fast. I did a little math on how much Disease has grown.

    The original was pathetic. From the math I did earlier (which you will see later), I worked it out to be ~53,000 words, grand total. A novel, but only by ten thousand words. Then came the rewrite, in which it grew to be 1.5 times its original size. The estimated length? Somewhere around 80,000. Now, this length is what it was before. Now, it is estimated to be 180,000, at least. A growth rate of 2.5 times.

    ...That's not all. United Hope has grown 2.5 times its original planned size as well. It needs a rewrite. So, with this in mind, it'd probably end up being four times longer than it is now. And it's already uber-long.

    ...I'm terrible. Not writing quality-wise; as much as I might deny it, I have to face the fact that I'm a good writer. What I mean is that I'm terrible when it comes to stories. I just am too darn good at it for my own good! Really, I suck at making things short. I fail miserably. For me, it just keeps on getting bigger and badder. Really, you give me enough material to make a Flash Fiction, and I'll probably hand you back a Novel! (Over 40,000 words)

    Now, final announcement. It's the thing that I called epic. Well, it would be, if I had a bunch of eager readers who love to devote as much to the story as they can.

    ...Instead, I've got one critique who can't log on anymore, one critique who has just about as many things to do as I do (too many. :P), one cofirmed reader, and any annonymous readers out there.

    ...So, basically, only two people who can be excited about that, and I seriously dobt they will be.

    I'm lazy. I get writer's block. While it takes me five minutes to overcome this, that's five minutes that I could've been writing. As of now, there are many characters who I KNOW I'm going to have in there, some becoming fairly important. The thing is, I don't have any of the details thought out. This is where it gets interesting. Spend five minutes to one hour thinking about the details I like to avoid like a disease, or do nothing? Well, there's a third option that I'll try, for those interested.

    Disease will have signups. They will have limits, of course, but will be mostly up to the sign-upee.

    Universal Limitations:
    -Less than Thirty Years Old

    That's all.

    Okay, so I do have another preference, but won't force it on others. As such, it is in invisible text. Names that fit in the real world. Really, fictional names like "Gladiarus" (Just now made that up, by the way) are cool and all, and I like them. But would people honestly name their children like that? Probably not. Okay, now people receive unusual names like Forest, Winter, Autumn, etc., so I know it happens. But on average...people are going to give their children normal names.

    When you sign up, you don't automatically get that role, though. Others might want it as well, and I'll weigh the decision before making my choice in the Episode which they appear in. You can apply again, though, for a different position. As many times as there are positions, actually. But I'm probably only going to use one character idea from you.

    What do you get out of this? Not much.
    1: A mention in the credits when Disease is finished.
    2: The pride and joy of knowing your character is in one of my more well-known stories.

    Hey, I did say it wasn't much.

    Anyway, those you can sign up for are below.


    Found in New Orleans. (Deadline: E 4-2. However, the actual appearance of the character can wait 'til E 5-1.)

    ...Nothing else, actually. This is the character with the most freedom. Go nuts. ;)


    Found in Ireland (Deadline: Roughly E 6-1, possibly 6-2).

    Restrictions: Female, Pink hair, less than twenty-three years old, more than fifteen.

    Other than that, go ahead and do whatever. Backstory can be anything, other appearances are up to you. Powers and weapons...well, you get the idea; you can do a lot. ;)



    Member of Danger's Squad, the squad that hunts Brian's team
    (Deadline: Roughly E 5-2, possibly 6-1)
    I was sort of hesitant to allow her to be a signup character because she has a lot already planned out, but there are many details missing.
    Restrictions: Female, fifteen years old (but appears older), backstory, last name, and powers are all decided on already. Dislikes not getting what she wants.

    Other personality traits, first name, weapon, appearance, and whatever else you can come up with? Nope; I have no clue. But, still, she has a lot already layed out.


    Member of Danger's Squad, first sent to hunt Brian's group, then to stop them at all costs.
    (Deadline: Roughly E 5-2, possibly 6-1)

    Restrictions: Female, Pink hair, powers involve the mind (how exactly, though, is up to the person signing up. ;) ), likes battle.


    Member of Danger's Squad.
    (Deadline: Roughly E 5-2, possibly 6-1)
    Restrictions: Female, powers involve teleporting (as the name implies. :P), dislikes fighting.

    That's all of 'em. At least, all of them for a while.

    Revision, 2/4/09:

    Okay, I've got writers' block on the characters. I will post what I have in spoilers, and if you want to help me, look at them. I'm taking suggestions. You have my eternal grattitude if you fill in the blanks.

    Protagonist 1.


    Gender: Male.
    Name: Well, I'd introduce him as his name, and not Protagonist1, if I actually had a name. <_<
    Age: ...I don't know. Somewhere around twenty. (I'll consult my flashdrive and another thread, both of which contain Disease-related information, but I think both do not mention this)
    Powers: Hydromancy. New Orleans is flooded, so he is in his element when the team meets him.
    Location Found: New Orleans. If this is finalized, this also means an apperance in Episode Four's Part Two, but his very appearance might not be shown until the next Episode, just being a disembodied voice and a shadow.
    History: Got nothing.
    Appearance: Layed out; need to look at the designs later.

    Protagonist 2.

    Gender: Male.
    Name: To stay consistent, I am saying he's Protagonist two. For the moment, though, I am calling him 'M'.
    Age: In the teens.
    Powers: Mind-related. Specializes in memories. I think, anyway. Again, I need to consult my holy flashdrive oracle, and the secret weapon of the outline post for Disease/Infection.
    Location Found: Again, New Orleans is what I am currently thinking, but it is not solidified. If this is what I decide, it will be Episode Five.
    History: Non existent. I intend him to remember little of his past. Perhaps this is necessary for future plot devices, though, allowing him to discover his past.
    Note: Was originally thought of as an alternative to Protagonist 1. When I decided I wanted both, he was given more unique traits. Like he calls everyone by one-letter names. Calling Brian 'B', Julie 'J', David 'D', Andy 'A', and Dallas 'D2'. (For Dallas's last name also starts with a D)
    Appearance: Got some idea, which I layed out, but need to look.

    Protagonist 3

    Gender: Male. I seriously need more female characters. <_<
    Name: Not a clue. No, not 'Notaclu'; I don't know what to call him yet. >_>
    Age: Also teens.
    Powers: To a very limited extent, tele-somethingoranother powers. Like basic controlling of objects, basic communication between minds, ability to see some events coming, etc. Also has great control over his body. His primary powers are actually related to his weapon. It is *very* hard to explain, and even when I wrote it down, it was a bad explanation. Do NOT expect me to describe it without HEAVY consultation of my notes.
    Location Found: ...New Orleans? If so, Episode Five is his appearance date.
    History: Blank. :/
    Note: Original powers were thought of as a possible augment to Protagonist2's abilities. I decided to split him off, though, as I decided that M's dagger would be enough and that the special device could become a separate person--anyway, M's perferred personality and the personailty I had associated with the weapon were different, so that'd be character conflict. He needed to be separate.

    Protagonist 4-NOTE: Since he was planned to be a primary protagonist, very little is NOT thought out, so this is mainly for opinions before he is introduced.

    Gender: Male.
    Name: I am thinking Marcus, at the moment.
    Age: Two thousand, give or take a couple hundred years.
    Powers: Some manipulation of shadows. Mostly alteration of a being's DNA, and commonly that is done to Darmichrons. Nearly invulnerable with higher regeneration than any other character. Has experience and knows almost everything there is to know about the Sarciller.
    Location Found: New York is where I am thinking. Ideally, this would be in the Episode Six to Seven range.
    History: Complex. Too spoilerish for spoiler tags. See the notes for more details. If you want to offer advice at the risk of being spoiled, then deliver a PM to me.
    Note: He's not actually introduced in New York--you see him earlier. Like, at the end of Episode Two, part one, and then again, part two's end. He demonstrates his slight shadow manipulation powers in Episode three, part one. Yes, he is at first an antagonist, but when the team meets him in New York, he is...different. He says that he is free of his insanity, that while he wanted to kill them before, he now wants to help him. Brian assumes it is the cliche 'antagonist becoming who he should be', but he corrects Brian, stating 'No. I'm back to the way I once was.' Again, I need to consult the magical flashdrive oracle and superweapon outline. He basically helped develope the Sarciller. He's one of the protagonists in Disease's planned prequel. I hope you can see why I can't say much more, as the very act of me not saying more is a spoiler itself.

    Protagonist 5

    Gender: Female. Finally.
    Name: I haven't got the slightest idea.
    Age: Upper teens, lower twenties range.
    Powers: I am thinking some mind manipulation powers, but that's all I've got.
    Location Found: Ireland is my thoughts. Don't ask for an estimated Episode number.
    History: Nothing here. :/
    Note: I am thinking she's related to an antagonist. I'll mention which one. She has pink hair. Other than that, not much.

    Protagonist 6

    Gender: Male. :/
    Name: I considered Bryan, but decided against it. Ideas?
    Age: Mid-thirties to lower fourties is what I was thinking.
    Powers: Repells Darmichrons.
    Location Found: A city/town I have yet to decide on, in England.
    History: Wife sacrificed life along with his brother-in-law to save a few hundred humans from the Sarciller.
    Note: A civilian leader. Does very little fighting. I want a legit Brittish accent when I introduce him, so I'll need some help. Spelling, and choice of words. Being American, I can only guess, but if I receive no assistance, it'll just be the stereotypical accent. <_<

    Protagonist 7

    Gender: You guessed it. Male.
    Name: Do you think I have any idea?
    Age: Less than ten.
    Powers: Despite being human, has inherited the perfect health of the Sarciller, along with superhuman strength, speed, and an IQ higher than that of most people. Repells Darmichrons, like his father, but this is stronger. Anything else, I have yet to decide.
    Location: Same as his father.
    History: Son of Protagonist 6.
    Note: Will not do much fighting, due to his young age.

    And, finally, (for the moment, anyway)

    Protagonist 8

    Gender: Undecided, but leaning towards male.
    Name: When I name this character, it will likely be a code name. Other than that idea, nothing.
    Age: Under twenty-nine. :/
    Powers: Manipulation of all forms of electricity, magnetism, etc. Some light manipulation as well. Anything else not really decided.
    Location: The safe haven that 6+7 are in.
    History: Managed to wander into the city and help out. Like others who went under the change, refuses to compete against the locals there, for obvious reasons. Managed to combine the PS3, X-box 360, and Wii into the best of three and hand-wrote the code for several games on the super-console. Other than this, nothing.
    Note: I thought of this character for the sole purpose of creating the super-console. No fighting for this character is currently planned, but with my choice of powers, I think some use shall be found.

    I shall type up the antagonists at a later time.

    Of course, more will be added as I think of them as becoming part of Disease's plot. If you so wish, come up with your own ideas for characters, and if I like them, they may actually come into the storyline. You could get primary protagonist status if I like your character *that* much. ;)

    Well, that's everything. Nothing left to cover. ;)

    < Message edited by mastin2 -- 2/4/2009 17:05:17 >
    Post #: 6
    11/20/2008 23:38:39   
    Argeus the Paladin

    Looks like I am not the only one who is currently hoarding word counts. (67000 for my first work and 43000 for my current) Understanding all too well why this sort of work would attract few readers, I'll venture into your work for today. Worry not, I read fast.

    In the end, I failed to give a detailed comment, because the work was long-just like my own, so I can understand that. However, these are the main points that I have to say.

    - What you wrote, in my opinion, is a crossover between Resident Evil, Dead Frontier, Harry Potter and Final Fantasy. There are elements of "disaster by science", though that isn't the main theme and is apparently not as evident as in the first two components above. There is also magic as used by those not born with or attuned to "magic" as a phenomenon or talent, but was forced to use the newfound power for survival. In a way, this is essentially a Zombie Survival, Post-Apocalyptic, Party-based RPG-novelization setting you are using, except that vicious and extremely powerful monsters replaced zombies and elemental magic replaces shotgun and chainsaw.

    - However, I feel your beginning slightly lacking in terms of explanation. What you did was to say that everything went on just as per normal for this man and then suddenly something goes wrong. It doesn't justify itself too well. As in, why was the disease created? Just a pierce in the hand couldn't cause too much a mess, unless the pencil was infected for some reason, and it was very highly unlikely so. Thusly, the first part of the first episode gives a sense of "I need someone to transmit the disease, so I'll just pick a random guy and give him a virus, and have him infect everyone else".

    - Somehow, you are giving the implication that it was the gas that caused the disaese. However, in terms of realism, you should know that even a poisonous and high density gas does not spread too far. If you dump, like, a ton of carbon monoxide into the middle of Sydney and count the death, you get zero. Sharp zero, 'cause the gas would dissipate and no one would feel a thing. the reason why zombie fics use a virus as a medium because it is virii that can multiply, while gases do not.

    - In many parts you have the tendency to have extremely long conversations without break. Shouldn't you try to add some further description to these parts? Other than that, wherever you chose to describe, you did so quite well.

    - Some minor typos, like "in tact' which should be "intact", but most of all, the null hypothesis that Mastin2 made no grammar/spelling error cannot be rejected as the absolute value of the test statistic is vastly smaller than 1.96.

    WORD COUNT FOR THE WIN! Please alert me if you hit the 25k milestone, and I'll attack once more.

    < Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 11/20/2008 23:41:31 >
    DF  Post #: 7
    11/21/2008 22:25:41   

    ...Just making sure...which thread did you read?

    Heh. Interesting view. I suppose the gas spreading isn't explained all that well. There is some reasoning behind it, but none that I can put into words. As for how it got into Brian...well, Falerin already pointed that out. It is a highly-spoilerish comment which I won't say on here, at least, not for quite some time. ;)

    ...And, yea...your description of it is surprisingly accurate. Post-apocalyptic? Check. Monsters? (Instead of Zombies) Check. Traveling party? Check. But let's just say I have some things planned that might make you change your opinion on it...[/enigmatical]
    Heh. Final Fantasy elements are purely coincidental. As are the Harry Potter ones. Brian's powers are inspired mainly by my typical protagonist: thrown into a world he wasn't meant to live, if you know what I mean. What his powers are, well, that's mainly inspired by Blood Masters, which you see every once in a while in my stories. *coughsmastersofbloodanddarkness* Julie's are just the typical nature powers that I often feature in stories as well. *coughskinomiinunitedhope* Resident Evil elements are somewhat intentional, as that is one of the lesser inspirations for Darmichrons. (In Chapter Two, when rewritten, you'll see what the primary inspiration for them is. ;))

    I really, really, REALLY appreciate the feedback. :)

    Post #: 8
    11/26/2008 6:12:47   

    Ok, a criticism has to point out errors too:


    Terror spreading rapidly though

    you lack an r, I suppose?


    the once-beautiful land

    Heh, it's common for a beautiful land turning into a... not-so beatiful one anymore. I'm okay with that, but please, you could elaborate its beauty? I wanna words that support it.


    “How can you be so certain?”
    When reading, people would love to imagine how things look like. So, we know there's a man. But where did that voice come from? It would be best if you introduce and describe the character (who is Brian's companion).


    “It’s not that obvious?” He teases.

    turn the 'H' into an 'h'


    area reeks of…IT.

    If it's one thing that Recar taught me, it would be that italizing would be better than capitalizing

    Now, just a tip: When it comes to dialogue, try making it more realistic by making the characters have a LITTLE bit of wrong grammar and informality. But dont over do (it should appear so seldom t the same time realistic)


    The wound was invisible, plain in sight

    invisible and plain in sight... contradictory

    Now, I've noticed constant tense-changing. You might want to fix that.


    Every class of Brian’s went just as it normally would

    That's not usually heard and maybe it could use a rephrasement for a better touch.


    nothing better to do, he went on a computer

    'went on a computer'? What'd he do, sit on it? It could use a change

    AQ DF  Post #: 9
    11/26/2008 15:40:48   

    Thanks, Crimz.

    1: ...I...can't...believe...it. That phrase has been in Disease since the WRITING ACADEMY version...a version made a YEAR AGO. Through constant rewrites and numerous rewrites...it managed to slip through. A typo in the first paragraph of my work, that has existed since the very beginning...you have no idea how embarassing that is. It's worse than Firefly's typo in the first chapter of the old Heart of the Dark, especially considering the title I hold...

    2: I'll see about it.

    3: ...I could've sworn that this was done, already. I'll see about it.

    4: ...Not so sure about that one. I might've meant for it to be a new sentence, in which case the H is called for.

    5: Okay, it's partially due to laziness and partially due to the fact that I believe that I had too many bolded italicized emphasis already. I meant for this emphasis to be different. I'll consider changing it, though.
    ...A Little bit of wrong grammar? Really, they already use 'ya' instead of 'you' a good deal, to give an example. I thought that it was, as it is, actually a little informal already...

    6: Heh. Bad description. Should be that it is unseen, despite being in plain sight.
    Tense changing, you complain about? Well, that, my friend, is due to it being a flashback. Story = current tense. Flashback = past tense. Thoughts/Speech in current while in a flashback, or past tense thoughts/speech while not in a flashback are acceptable, because they're thoughts and speech.
    If there is anything that you feels doesn't fit into one of those categories, then please do point it out. ;)

    7: ...I don't seem to see what is wrong with it as it is. Could you elaborate/give a suggestion?

    8: ...I thought that it'd be common sense that he is going over to a computer to use it. Oh, well. I'll change it.

    Thanks again, Crimz. I can't wait for more, since you've provided a great deal of help! :)

    Post #: 10
    11/27/2008 5:15:09   


    Every class of Brian’s went just as it normally would

    Just an opinion, but 'every of his classes...' or 'each and every one (there's a space) of Brian's classes' sounds better.

    I'll... continue in 1-2 days from now. Why not now? I have a thanks-giving dinner in a Chinese restaurant
    AQ DF  Post #: 11
    11/28/2008 8:43:32   


    Pure chaos engulfed Brian as he ran from the hospital, sense of fear great

    That part... could use a rephrasement. Maybe 'with his sense of fear overwhelming'


    best car—a large rusty old Red and White Suburban—which had been used by the family for nearly 10 years

    Not a critique, just a comment: poor fellas... the best car is rusty and old =p


    but ignored them and ran straight to the car

    For clarification... did he go inside the car? Then into would be a better preposition. But after a few more reading, the reader would find out that he didn't. In that case... 'towards' is the best bet (for clarifying things right away).


    he knew that the back door of the left side has a defect preventing a total lockout

    has = present tense... had = past tense


    she seemed changed, healed, and completely lacking energy.

    why is the word 'healed' there?


    The question to her was whether she should ask him, since the emotional trauma may be too great.

    It needs to be past-tense'd: 'may had been too great'


    Brian and Julie had not had the time yet to even open the door

    'had' becomes redundant there. Try 'possessed not' or something


    It had glowing evil red eyes—something they all featured (past tense)

    A tip: In description like those... using had, possessed, etc may not be that creative. Try making the certain body part the subject and use a verb that denotes ction. Example: 'It's eyes glared with a crimson color, radiating evil that could be felt present'


    "I don’t think either of us could have gone this fast before…it must be one of the changes in us,” Brian quickly assumed, returning Julie’s smile with his own large grin. Running—unlike for Julie—went against his instincts, but protecting his sister was the most important thing to him at the moment. The two were enjoying a rather friendly chat while running, but no more conversation would take place, as the same beast appeared in front of them. Brian muttered a few curses at himself for letting his guard down, disappointed that he had let this thing by. The Darmichron had leapt from an unknown location, and shortly after appearing, laughed in a battle-toned voice, “Too slow!”

    2 different people seem to be talking here

    I'll continue... in 12+ hours rom now... ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....


    beast was, indeed, dead

    No need fir that comma


    loosing consciousness slowly, losing...

    an extra 'o'


    I love Julie's geomancy

    < Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 11/29/2008 0:21:02 >
    AQ DF  Post #: 12
    12/1/2008 22:17:53   
    Constructively Friendly!

    Reading the link you sent me, as of last night. =]
    Post #: 13
    2/4/2009 16:02:36   


    Reading the link you sent me, as of last night. =]
    And you're not anymore, I would guess.

    I hit a slight roadblock when writing Episode 4-2, and so, it's been delayed. Writer's block and all. I've tried pushing through it, but it aint coming. I know what is going to happen, but the episode will be shorter than normal, scenes will be rushed, etc. I'm on other projects as well. Disease's Rewrite could use some editing to improve the writing quality, and I also want to write The Rewrite Episodes Three and Four (Originally Episode two [okay, to be fair, originally in the ORIGINAL Writing Academy Disease, they were separated into two and three, but each were half the length of One, so I combined the two. That's why every part earned a name--because they were originally an episode each. Now they are, again], and the second part of Episode two).
    So, basically, what I will be doing.
    1: updating regularly to attract more readers. I won't advertise, as it is too long to ask any kind-hearted person to read. They'd accept, and being a kind-hearted person myself, I will no longer ask anyone to read a work as long as the Disease Rewrite. Nor can I ask them to read the original Disease, as the writing is a piece of...well, you know. But if they choose to read it naturally, I won't stop them. The more regularly I update, the more I can sucker them into reading. :P

    2: Writing the rest of Episode four. Screw the length. I prefer universal lengths, but I'm just going to rewrite it later, and if it's shorter, it is shorter. I want to introduce some characters who I did not originally intend to include--two, plus one who I had planned. Sure, they likely won't come until Episode five, but whatever. You do what you can.

    3: Doing the rewrites, Episode three and four. I want to rewrite those scenes soooo badly, add more mystery, more conflict, more time lapse at the school, stuff like that. :)

    4: Working in mini-divisions of the new Episodes. Since I've again split Disease, making its estimated Episode length twenty-six chapters, the episodes no longer have 'part two'. I like having two parts per episode. :'(

    5: Updating my posts in here, with new info. Like how I have thought of some characters, but how there are blanks that I have yet to fill in--and if I recieve help for said blanks, then it will take me a much more brief period of time to actually write Disease. The characters I mentioned that weren't originally planned? Guess what? They're not nearly as developed. Even some of those that are aren't truly finished. Only the main current carravan is even close to finalized. Eleven of them. But even in there, only the main characters and supporting protagonists are truly done. The secondary protagonists are far from finalized. (Brian, Julie, Trevor, and David are the main characters for Disease. Dallas and Andy are supporting protagonists [both have their moments in the spotlight. While they do not do much fighting, they have personality traits that will show more and more often throughout the story], and are also finalized. All the others have far less 'screen time', and hence, are a lot less developed. [One of the female protagonists gets only two or three scenes to herself--all of which are demonstrating her pyromancer powers {that alliteration was accidental}] Jack, Fred, and Pacen, for example, all have names which I really want to change to be something else. And this is just the main caravan. The ones not introduced...oh, boy. You have *no clue* how little I know of them)

    Ah, the joys of writing a post-apocalyptic story with superhuman powers, dozens upon dozens of characters, conflict, plot twists, attempts to make uncliche'd storyline, and then post it all on the forum...when you originally planned for something much, much smaller. And even when I finish Disease, there *has* to be a sequel, Infection, as...well, Disease's ending will make a lot of people unhappy, to say the least. It is the half-way point in the storyline, though, and is the *only* place I can think of to break the story in half. I planned for Disease to be originally be at least thirteen episodes. My optimism wanted twenty-five. My unrealistic hope wanted fifty. With Infection included, it looks like I'll get my wish...after wasting hours upon hours upon days upon days upon months upon months and take far more time than originally planned--the original plan for Disease was one year, for the entire story, before it was broken into two, Disease, and Infection. I started Disease when I joined the writing academy in November of 07. Do the math--I failed miserably. :/

    Post #: 14
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