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RE: Think, Question, Repeat If Desired | Comments

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11/13/2008 9:42:23   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 Thank you! That means a lot to me. Yeah, I was having a little party with myself- best thing was, I got to wear a bunch of funny hats for the party! ^_^
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 26
11/18/2008 15:16:05   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 Vista, Vista

Yes, it's finally set me over the edge. Song about it doing so.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 27
11/19/2008 17:21:16   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 My first ever collaboration is up! I Love Baroque And Roll!

.Discipline and I made this, based on your favorite bard tunes. Rock out, people!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 28
11/20/2008 14:56:21   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 World Through A Prism

New poem up, again written for school. It is one of my personal favorites so far.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 29
11/21/2008 12:41:06   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 Another new poem, A System of Chaos.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 30
11/21/2008 13:56:38   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

<3 System of Chaos. Only thing I found in there was the final colon. I think a dash, or perhaps a semi-colon would be more effective here.
Very good. And stuff.

<3 X 1000 = Vista, Vista. Made me lol.
Most awesome sentence ever:
"Oh, Vista, Vista, why'd you have to, why'd you have to suck?
You really make me want to run you over with a truck. "

< Message edited by Arthur The Brave One -- 11/21/2008 13:59:11 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 31
11/21/2008 15:33:56   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 Thank you very much (again)!

As to the colon, I was saying "The structure now in place is Systematic Chaos." I thought that colons meant, more or less, "is." I could be wrong, though; I'll look it up in the Bedford Handbook.

EDIT: Looked it up. "Use a colon after an independent clause to direct attention to a list, an appositive, or a quotation." If I'm correct- and believe me, I wouldn't be surprised if I am not- then I was using an appositive.

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 11/21/2008 15:40:01 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 32
11/23/2008 8:18:44   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

I didn't say it was /wrong/, I said I thought it wasn't /powerful enough/. :P
Alas, this is just my personal opinion, so if you like the colon better, who am I to judge that, no?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 33
11/24/2008 10:41:35   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 Two more poems, written over the weekend.

Peace
and
but who was left...?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 34
11/24/2008 13:50:21   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

quote:

Play that melody when the end is come.

Should be has.

Nothing else I could find here... Nice one, again (:O)

quote:

Which side's victory
Cheers should be sounding?

Your separation of 'victory cheers' doesn't really sound nice. Like this: "victory[pause]cheers."
I wouldn't have any immediate solutions, though :/

Besides that, nothing here as well :O
This one was really strong, so yeah, good job on that one too ^_^

ATBO out :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 35
11/24/2008 14:14:36   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 While grammatically, "has" would be correct, I had used "is" on purpose; I had thought that it went with the somewhat-old-style language form that I had used ("Do ye close my eyes ..."). I might change it though, as since you pointed out, it looks like a typo.

Hmm, you're right. I'll try to think of a way to fix that. Thanks a bunch for your comments!


EDIT: Changed "Cheers should be sounding?" to "Should be resounding?"
Edit the Second: Changed "is" to "has" in Peace.

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 11/24/2008 14:28:50 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 36
11/24/2008 17:14:11   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Ooh! *puts on yoda costume*
Fixed it well you have!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 37
11/25/2008 11:34:59   
Sinf
Member

Well seems like I couldn't manage to think of any comment, BUT you manage to make me understand what the poems mean even though I don't understand all the words (Thanks to my english..)
AQ DF  Post #: 38
11/29/2008 18:44:14   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi there!

Your post in the "What do your works really mean"-thread made me to go and read your poetry a few days ago. I ended up reading the whole first page.

You have good vocabulary and are skilled with rhymes, imo. There's a strong message in the majority of your poems. Because I'm biased towards being anti-war, I can't really tell if the message is too underlined or not. I don't think it is, but as I said, that might be caused by the fact that I don't disagree with the message.

My favourite poem from the first read is Crusade.

I also found your lyrics very interesting and enjoyable.


Now to some critique that, admittedly, is more a matter of opinions and preferences.

I'm not a fan of using many exclamation marks in poetry. Using one or two in the points to be highlighted is surely fine, but when I start to see them every second or third line, I wonder whether they run over all other nuances in the piece. So, for example, that's what happened with your poem If I Weren't Blind, Angel -- which I otherwise enjoyed tremendously. But do you really need them all? Yet, having asked that, I understand that this is my opinion only.

Another point that came to my mind is a minor detail in Crusade.
You occasionally start lines with 'And', like here:
quote:

Though we fight for glory,
All we find is gore.
Our leaders call on us,
And they ask for more.

Per se, there's nothing wrong with that, but sometimes, they feel a sort of waste of space. Little bridging words that connect sentences but that sometimes steal room from stronger words and, hence, stronger imagery. For example here, you could have the last line go:
'Always asking for more'
or something even better that could bring that line more impact that 'And they' brings.


These were the few comments that came up to my mind while reading. And now that I've found my way here, there's a risk that I shall return and end up dissecting something. Sorry for that in beforehand =P
DF  Post #: 39
12/1/2008 13:16:28   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 Hey, don't worry; I enjoy comments. Right now I have lunch to attend to, so I can't edit right now, but I'll be thinking about the things you mentioned. The reason I use "and" is when I can't think of anything else to say, so I should change that. Oh, and over the Thanksgiving break, I edited some of my poems; I'll be looking for which ones I edited and changing them here later. But, as stated earlier, 'tis Om Nom Nom Nom time for me. Thank you and Sinf both very much for your comments!

In addition, new poems. Take A Pill.

Edit: Well, I'm editing them, but it seems that some of them didn't get saved to the original file. So, this might take a bit longer than I expected. However, I took your advice and changed both Crusade and If I Weren't Blind, Angel. (By the way, I like the revised line in Crusade a lot better, thanks again for that suggestion!)

Edit 2: Done editing them for now. I hope.

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 11/2/2009 11:31:20 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 40
12/4/2008 13:47:26   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 New poem written.

The Toy Soldiers
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 41
12/8/2008 11:54:22   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 First item of business: Two new poems. Remember Always and Chessboard As Life.

Second item of business: Good news for me! After submitting my poem World Through A Prism to the website Poetry.com, I received from them a letter in the mail. My poem is now a semi-finalist in their contest! I have a chance to win $1000 (and eligibility for the $10,000 annual Grand Prize), or a silver/bronze medal. Furthermore, simply because I am a semi-finalist, my poem will be given its own page in the book which they are compiling, with the working title of Immortal Verses. Any other poets reading this might consider sending in their own submissions to the website!

Never mind, just found out that it's a total scam.

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 12/8/2008 16:25:56 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 42
12/8/2008 15:10:51   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Congratz on your success! Immortal verses, eh? Pretty magnificent title!

My real business here: commenting your poem A System of Chaos

I liked it a lot, very powerful use of vocabulary! I love seeing words that are so far from mundane. My favourite lines are:
quote:

Rampant ineptitude.
Abiding insanity.
Unchecked incompetence.
Wild inability.


Now the only thing I'm going to nitpick about =P is that word 'wild'. Because, if you compare it to all the other words you've poured onto those lines, it falls a bit short, imho.

I couldn't come up with any "quick-fix"-suggestions though, since all words I could think of had their own points of weakness:

a) Unrestrained inability
Otherwise OK, but it's too similar to 'unchecked' and might wreck the structure

b) Infinite inability
I just love the word 'infinite', lol, but I dunno if you want to avoid having rhyming first syllables on that line. The flow of those two words aren't the best one around either.

c) Limitless inability
Not much stronger word than wild, although it contradicts the 'inability' quite nicely, because usually the possibilities are limitless, not inabilities...

OK, maybe this was more like jotting down my train of thought while reading your poem than making an actual suggestion... Actually, I'll shamelessly leave it to you to decide whether you'll take those as suggestions =P

P.S. You haven't written a poem about Indifference, have you? I'd love to do that but I feel like my skills are falling short... Maybe you'll get inspired by that word?

< Message edited by fabula -- 12/8/2008 15:12:15 >
DF  Post #: 43
12/8/2008 15:29:09   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 I myself was not quite satisfied with that line. Unfortunately, for me to change "wild" to a multi-syllable word, I would have to also change either "inability" or simply change the structure of the entire poem; I have a definite syllable count. I'm glad you liked it! =)
I'll try, though!

As to your question, not expressly. Some of my poems deal with indifference (such as A Poem For The Future), but I have not written a poem that directly deals with it. Good idea, though. You may have given me inspiration! I'll see about that as soon as I finish my book report on Don Quixote de la Mancha. (Ugh, I don't like book reports. Love the book, though.)

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 12/8/2008 15:30:28 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 44
12/8/2008 16:25:25   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 Heh, normally I wouldn't make a reply just to say this, but I have just received word that Poetry.com is a scam. Ah, well. Such is life. The main reason for this post is to warn others, as I was (thankfully) warned by members of this same community.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 45
12/15/2008 13:25:32   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 I have written what is most likely my strangest poem yet. I suppose this is what happens when I reflect on my home life while waiting for my mother at Dillard's... Um, right, the poem!

Blank

Update: Another poem written. Triangle Trade

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 12/15/2008 13:56:15 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 46
12/17/2008 15:54:41   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 Economy got you down? Don't know what to give as a present? Look no further; for hist, help hath arrived!

The Twelve Economic Days of Christmas
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 47
12/17/2008 21:39:36   
  Master Samak
Productive!
Steward Leprechaun
L&L


 Help at last!!!
Oh, hold on...

An appropriate poem for an appropriate time!
I made sure to sing along with the words and repeat the previous lines every time—and not skip them, 'cause Santa's watching. :D

Wonderful wonderful! *are you considering putting it in Recar's Collab thread?*
AQ DF  Post #: 48
12/18/2008 12:24:09   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 :o Another funny poem. How strange. Don't worry, I'm still as bitter and cynical as ever!
The Pirates of eBay

Note: This is apparently the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything, as it is Post #42 in my thread.

Edit: ...Wow, I just now noticed your comment, Master Samak. Thank you very much!

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 1/29/2009 14:04:17 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 49
12/18/2008 17:08:53   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Oh teh noes :O haven't posted here for far too long :O
Sorry, my life is so busy, I don't even have had time to play a game for about a month or so :S
Lucky me, holidays start tomorrow, so I'll have plenty of time again! :D
Still got a test tomorrow though, so I'm afraid all I have to say for now is that I really enjoyed all of your last poems. Critiques will come later :)

/Arthur.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 50
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