MM, you come first because, well, your story is first. =P
NOTE: As some people may already know, I'm a pain with my 'comma critiques', which are just that--made entirely (or mostly) of comma opinions...
quote:I'd put a comma after 'this' and 'starts'.
personal life, this too starts pretty normal, average
quote:I'd put a comma after 'time' and 'all'.
I wasn’t drunk this time either. After all school would start the day after. I
quote:Was that intentional?
I turned off of the brightly lid road and into a dark alley I used as a shortcut.
As always the alley was shrouded
Also, I'd put a comma after 'always'.
quote:I'd put a comma after 'reflex'.
In a reflex my elbow flew upwards to
quote:I'd put a comma after 'anything' and 'sound'.
But instead of hitting anything solid I only felt air, empty enemy-less, air. Curious as to what could’ve created this sound I turned around. But
quote:I'd put a comma after 'point'.
At this point my mind raced through just about every possibility. I went
quote:his grey what? "the grey" or "his grey eyes" would work.
Slowly his grey appeared to grow larger. Pretty
Also, I might put a comma after 'Slowly'.
quote:I'd make the bolded comma a semicolon. I might also put a comma after 'soon'.
Pretty soon his pupils where larger then his eyes. But it didn’t stop there, the grey grew even more, now appearing as a wall before me for only a brief second. Then
And as I struggled to breath I inhaled it, the grey, it became part of my being. Or perhaps it became my being. As I lost myself in those eyes.
'breath' should be 'breathe', and I'd put a comma after 'breathe' as well. Also, the underlined parts were a little confusing. I got the meaning, but they seemed poorly worded.
quote:I'd probably put a comma after 'First' and 'Slowly'.
First the headaches came. Slowly I grew more and more sensitive to just about anything. Bright
quote:I'd put a comma after 'days'. I'd probably put a comma after 'anymore'.
After two days I couldn’t even look through my window at daytime anymore as the brightness of the sun made me feel as
quote:I'd put a comma after 'days'.
After four days my entire biological clock had shifted. I would
quote:I might put a comma after 'Naturally'.
Naturally my parents called the police. He’s
quote:I may put a comma after 'Yesterday'.
Yesterday I woke up from my sleep
quote:'then' should be 'than'.
I actually felt stronger then ever before.
quote:I'd put a comma after 'downstairs'. Also, I'd make the current comma a semicolon.
But when I got downstairs I noticed not a single light was on, I heard there was no sound and I smelled there was no dinner cooked.
quote:Again, I hope that was intentional. Also, traditionally, thoughts are in Italics.
“They must have gone somewhere.”
I told myself as I walked into the kitchen.
quote:the comma is unnecessary; I'd drop it.
I grabbed the first thing I saw lying around, and ate it.
quote:I might put a comma after 'then'.
I had tasted once before, but back then tasted horrible. I figured
quote:I'd put a comma after 'size'. I'd also put 'that' after 'fact'. I'd also put a comma after 'am'.
By it’s shape and size I recognised it as a grief card. I was intrigued by the fact someone had died. And curious as I am I examined the card. The
quote:I might put a comma after both 'it's.
In it I saw the wall behind me. In it I saw the
quote:I'd make the comma a semicolon.
back in that alley, I don’t know exactly why I ran there.
quote:I might put a comma after 'Answers'.
Answers or perhaps, even better, the man with the eyes. If so,
quote:I might put a comma after 'time'.
This time the man with the grey eyes just appeared to me. No
quote:'then' should be 'than'. Also, I may put a comma after 'knew' and 'now'.
it or because he knew by now I could see better in the dark then I could at day.
quote:I'd put a comma after 'me'.
As the man walked up to me I noticed how the rotting smell had vanished into thin air.
quote:I might put a comma after 'strange'. I'd put a comma after 'Later'.
This was extra strange as my smell had improved as dramatically as my other senses in the time I was sick. Later I’d realise my brain had already
quote:Just makin' sure. I'm fairly certain, by now, that it's style. But just makin' sure of it.
“Who are you? And what did you do to me?”
I asked the man with the grey eyes as I
quote:I'd probably put a comma after 'believe' and 'time'. Also, just making sure...you intentionally capitalized 'Vampire', right?
I believe at this time you would call me a… Vampire?
quote:I'd drop the first comma. The second 'then' should be 'than'. I'd put a comma after 'result'.
I hypnotised you with my eyes, and then used my fangs to bite you and to suck your blood out of your body. Just so I could eat and live a considerable time longer then I’d do if I kept a healthy diet. As a result you have turned into a vampire yourself.
quote:I'd make the comma a semicolon. Also, I'd put a comma after 'Normally'.
You should be honoured, I rarely let anyone live long enough to become a vampire. Normally I kill them
quote:I'd put a comma after 'spoke'.
As the stranger spoke his voice was cold and dry. As if
quote:Psst...repetition of 'Which' = bad...
Which I figured would probably be just about correct, if what he said was true. Which I honestly thought it was for some reason too.
quote:I'd put a comma after 'circumstances'.
Under any other set of circumstances I would have
quote:The first 'I' should be 'In'. Also, I'd put a comma after 'time'.
I the mean time I had managed to get close enough by to look into his eyes again.
quote:I might make the second comma a semicolon.
shade of grey, no, this time they where just an ordinary bright green. As
quote:I'd put a comma after 'replied'.
As I replied I couldn’t quite hide the disappointed tone in my voice.
quote:I'd put a comma after 'too' and 'anyone'.
“So, I’m a vampire too now. How come I’m not dead pale then? And why aren’t I craving for blood? Or craving to kill anyone for that matter.”
quote:You really should put a comma after 'reply'. It was confusing at first glance.
In his mocking reply all the stranger does is laugh, revealing two pretty long fangs.
quote:I'd put a comma after 'enough'.
You’ll find out soon enough my child.
quote:I'd put a comma after 'laugh'.
With a diabolical laugh the stranger disappears
quote:drop the 'an'. Also, I'd make the comma a semicolon.
that shadow for hours on an end, I must have examined it in every conceivable way.
quote:I'd put a comma after 'up'.
When I finally gave up the sky was slowly brightening.
quote:I'd put a comma after 'it'.
Without even thinking about it I walked into one of the empty buildings
quote:I might put a comma after 'well'.
The next morning, well you’d call it evening, I got up.
quote:I'd put a comma after 'sleep'.
My mind still slow from the hours of sleep I made my way onto the streets. While
quote:I'd put a comma after 'walking'.
While walking I caught myself on fantasizing about how
quote:I'd put a comma after 'Dazed' and make the comma a semicolon.
Dazed I walked through the starlit night when I picked up a scent, I don’t know if it was the scent that stirred my sudden hunger or if it only drew me back onto earth long enough for me to finally notice the hunger.
quote:I'd put 'the' after 'But'.
But fact was I was hungry, and
quote:I'd make the comma a semicolon.
quickly decided, I’d go and check out the thing
quote:I'd put a comma after 'later'.
Several minutes later I had somehow crossed my
quote:I'd put a comma after 'alley'. Also, 'remembered' seems like the wrong word. I'd put a comma after 'now'. Maybe one after 'hungry'.
Just before I walked into the alley I remember thinking how strange it would be to find food in a deserted alley. But by now I was so hungry I didn’t care anyway.
quote:I might put a comma after 'smell'.
When I found the source of the smell however… I was
quote:I'd put a comma after 'me'.
from deep within me a great sadness came forth.
quote:I'd put a comma after 'instantly'.
Almost instantly she lets out a high-pitched scream
quote:I'd put a comma after 'screen'.
Upon the screen I can barely see a glimpse of smoking ashes.
Unfortunately, I rushed this critique in the last five paragraphs or so. I'll give you my wrapup opinion in a few minutes.
Wow. Great story. That's all I've got to say.
Jerenda's turn. Unfortunately, this post is too long already, so I'll do it in a new post...
< Message edited by mastin2 -- 7/26/2008 1:01:15 >