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RE: The great battle of L&L ~ Less flashyness more almost-doneness

 
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7/25/2008 20:56:21   
er23.
Member

Congrats to MM! Good job ^_^ It was easy to feel how Midory would feel, you opened up her character to all of us.

Jerenda, good story there too. I liked that one more, actually. Kurai's thoughts were realistic, and I liked the way that the pieces unravelled.

*showers confetti over MM and Jerenda* Good job both of you!

EDIT: I claim this page in the name of....um...*thinks*....many congratulating comments for the two contestants!
No page-claiming. - Cow Face

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 6/3/2009 16:09:41 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 26
7/25/2008 21:08:55   
jerenda
Member

Does that mean we can post now? <_< >_> Well, I'm going to anyways!

Yay!!! *steals er's confetti and showers it over MM* Hey, I ran out. Dumped it all on Eukara.

Congratulations MM!! *hug/tackles* I knew you'd win. ^_^ Thanks er. *hugs*

_____________________________

EC! EC! EC~
AQ DF  Post #: 27
7/25/2008 21:10:26   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Okay, here's the official judicial statement. I'm speaking for us judges here.

This is ends the literary battle between Jerenda and Mistermafio. We would like to congratulate both writers for their strong displays of skill, talent, and creativity. Both of you did very well, and you've impressed all three of us. The winner is Mistermafio through the majority rule of the voting. However, remember that you are both winners in how you've both created astonishing pieces of literature.

It has been a hard judging session for all of us, what with me and my weekend trip, Clyde and his short notice in being a judge, Eukara and the hard decision facing her in being the final poster. We feel honoured for you allowing us to be the judges of the first (one-on-one) battle in L&L.

It's now encouraged for people to post. Congratulate the winner, return our comments if you are one of the competitors, hand in critiques, basically anything to do with the stories. Except spamming and flaming us, of course. =P

On a more broad outlook, Eukara and I are thinking of starting a Battle Shop for more battles like these. We're still in planning stage for this, so don't come bugging us about it until we set up a thread when we're ready. Just telling y'all so you have something to look forward to. ;)

So, everyone, comment away!

EDIT: Gah! You guys posted before I did! Blasphemy! Outrage! *stomps off and steals all the confetti* Next time, wait for an judicial statement. =P Anyways, I would've been faster had my computer not being misbehaving on me...

< Message edited by Firefly -- 7/25/2008 21:17:27 >
AQ  Post #: 28
7/25/2008 22:37:43   
mastin2
Member

MM, you come first because, well, your story is first. =P

NOTE: As some people may already know, I'm a pain with my 'comma critiques', which are just that--made entirely (or mostly) of comma opinions...

quote:

personal life, this too starts pretty normal, average
I'd put a comma after 'this' and 'starts'.

quote:

I wasn’t drunk this time either. After all school would start the day after. I
I'd put a comma after 'time' and 'all'.

quote:

I turned off of the brightly lid road and into a dark alley I used as a shortcut.
As always the alley was shrouded
Was that intentional?

Also, I'd put a comma after 'always'.

quote:

In a reflex my elbow flew upwards to
I'd put a comma after 'reflex'.

quote:

But instead of hitting anything solid I only felt air, empty enemy-less, air. Curious as to what could’ve created this sound I turned around. But
I'd put a comma after 'anything' and 'sound'.

quote:

At this point my mind raced through just about every possibility. I went
I'd put a comma after 'point'.

quote:

Slowly his grey appeared to grow larger. Pretty
his grey what? "the grey" or "his grey eyes" would work.
Also, I might put a comma after 'Slowly'.

quote:

Pretty soon his pupils where larger then his eyes. But it didn’t stop there, the grey grew even more, now appearing as a wall before me for only a brief second. Then
I'd make the bolded comma a semicolon. I might also put a comma after 'soon'.

quote:

And as I struggled to breath I inhaled it, the grey, it became part of my being. Or perhaps it became my being. As I lost myself in those eyes.

'breath' should be 'breathe', and I'd put a comma after 'breathe' as well. Also, the underlined parts were a little confusing. I got the meaning, but they seemed poorly worded.

quote:

First the headaches came. Slowly I grew more and more sensitive to just about anything. Bright
I'd probably put a comma after 'First' and 'Slowly'.

quote:

After two days I couldn’t even look through my window at daytime anymore as the brightness of the sun made me feel as
I'd put a comma after 'days'. I'd probably put a comma after 'anymore'.

quote:

After four days my entire biological clock had shifted. I would
I'd put a comma after 'days'.

quote:

Naturally my parents called the police. He’s
I might put a comma after 'Naturally'.

quote:

Yesterday I woke up from my sleep
I may put a comma after 'Yesterday'.

quote:

I actually felt stronger then ever before.
'then' should be 'than'.

quote:

But when I got downstairs I noticed not a single light was on, I heard there was no sound and I smelled there was no dinner cooked.
I'd put a comma after 'downstairs'. Also, I'd make the current comma a semicolon.

quote:

“They must have gone somewhere.”
I told myself as I walked into the kitchen.
Again, I hope that was intentional. Also, traditionally, thoughts are in Italics.

quote:

I grabbed the first thing I saw lying around, and ate it.
the comma is unnecessary; I'd drop it.

quote:

I had tasted once before, but back then tasted horrible. I figured
I might put a comma after 'then'.

quote:

By it’s shape and size I recognised it as a grief card. I was intrigued by the fact someone had died. And curious as I am I examined the card. The
I'd put a comma after 'size'. I'd also put 'that' after 'fact'. I'd also put a comma after 'am'.

quote:

In it I saw the wall behind me. In it I saw the
I might put a comma after both 'it's.

quote:

back in that alley, I don’t know exactly why I ran there.
I'd make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

Answers or perhaps, even better, the man with the eyes. If so,
I might put a comma after 'Answers'.

quote:

This time the man with the grey eyes just appeared to me. No
I might put a comma after 'time'.

quote:

it or because he knew by now I could see better in the dark then I could at day.
'then' should be 'than'. Also, I may put a comma after 'knew' and 'now'.

quote:

As the man walked up to me I noticed how the rotting smell had vanished into thin air.
I'd put a comma after 'me'.

quote:

This was extra strange as my smell had improved as dramatically as my other senses in the time I was sick. Later I’d realise my brain had already
I might put a comma after 'strange'. I'd put a comma after 'Later'.

quote:

“Who are you? And what did you do to me?”
I asked the man with the grey eyes as I
Just makin' sure. I'm fairly certain, by now, that it's style. But just makin' sure of it.

quote:

I believe at this time you would call me a… Vampire?
I'd probably put a comma after 'believe' and 'time'. Also, just making sure...you intentionally capitalized 'Vampire', right?

quote:

I hypnotised you with my eyes, and then used my fangs to bite you and to suck your blood out of your body. Just so I could eat and live a considerable time longer then I’d do if I kept a healthy diet. As a result you have turned into a vampire yourself.
I'd drop the first comma. The second 'then' should be 'than'. I'd put a comma after 'result'.

quote:

You should be honoured, I rarely let anyone live long enough to become a vampire. Normally I kill them
I'd make the comma a semicolon. Also, I'd put a comma after 'Normally'.

quote:

As the stranger spoke his voice was cold and dry. As if
I'd put a comma after 'spoke'.

quote:

Which I figured would probably be just about correct, if what he said was true. Which I honestly thought it was for some reason too.
Psst...repetition of 'Which' = bad...

quote:

Under any other set of circumstances I would have
I'd put a comma after 'circumstances'.

quote:

I the mean time I had managed to get close enough by to look into his eyes again.
The first 'I' should be 'In'. Also, I'd put a comma after 'time'.

quote:

shade of grey, no, this time they where just an ordinary bright green. As
I might make the second comma a semicolon.

quote:

As I replied I couldn’t quite hide the disappointed tone in my voice.
I'd put a comma after 'replied'.

quote:

“So, I’m a vampire too now. How come I’m not dead pale then? And why aren’t I craving for blood? Or craving to kill anyone for that matter.”
I'd put a comma after 'too' and 'anyone'.

quote:

In his mocking reply all the stranger does is laugh, revealing two pretty long fangs.
You really should put a comma after 'reply'. It was confusing at first glance.

quote:

You’ll find out soon enough my child.
I'd put a comma after 'enough'.

quote:

With a diabolical laugh the stranger disappears
I'd put a comma after 'laugh'.

quote:

that shadow for hours on an end, I must have examined it in every conceivable way.
drop the 'an'. Also, I'd make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

When I finally gave up the sky was slowly brightening.
I'd put a comma after 'up'.

quote:

Without even thinking about it I walked into one of the empty buildings
I'd put a comma after 'it'.

quote:

The next morning, well you’d call it evening, I got up.
I might put a comma after 'well'.

quote:

My mind still slow from the hours of sleep I made my way onto the streets. While
I'd put a comma after 'sleep'.

quote:

While walking I caught myself on fantasizing about how
I'd put a comma after 'walking'.

quote:

Dazed I walked through the starlit night when I picked up a scent, I don’t know if it was the scent that stirred my sudden hunger or if it only drew me back onto earth long enough for me to finally notice the hunger.
I'd put a comma after 'Dazed' and make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

But fact was I was hungry, and
I'd put 'the' after 'But'.

quote:

quickly decided, I’d go and check out the thing
I'd make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

Several minutes later I had somehow crossed my
I'd put a comma after 'later'.

quote:

Just before I walked into the alley I remember thinking how strange it would be to find food in a deserted alley. But by now I was so hungry I didn’t care anyway.
I'd put a comma after 'alley'. Also, 'remembered' seems like the wrong word. I'd put a comma after 'now'. Maybe one after 'hungry'.

quote:

When I found the source of the smell however… I was
I might put a comma after 'smell'.

quote:

from deep within me a great sadness came forth.
I'd put a comma after 'me'.

quote:

Almost instantly she lets out a high-pitched scream
I'd put a comma after 'instantly'.

quote:

Upon the screen I can barely see a glimpse of smoking ashes.
I'd put a comma after 'screen'.

Unfortunately, I rushed this critique in the last five paragraphs or so. I'll give you my wrapup opinion in a few minutes.

Wow. Great story. That's all I've got to say.


Jerenda's turn. Unfortunately, this post is too long already, so I'll do it in a new post...

-Mastin

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 7/26/2008 1:01:15 >
Post #: 29
7/26/2008 9:22:15   
Mistermafio
Member

*gets showered in confetti before Firefly steals it*
Wow, to be honest. When I read my own story, and Jer's after that I really thought I stood no chance in hell of ever winning this thing.

After reading Firefly's and Clyde's posts I thought so even less. >.>
I'm still trying to figure out if I'm dreaming or something right now. :^P

Jer, your story was amazing. I honestly think it was much better then my story.

Mastin and er, thank you both for commenting. I'm glad you liked the story (despite the outrageous amounts of typo's and plain errors.) I'll be working on getting all of them out as soon as possible to make this story better.

Now I have to go.
Thanks once again! ^>^
AQ  Post #: 30
7/28/2008 13:13:11   
Mistermafio
Member

*hits himself in the head with something hard, yet funny*

Here I go, giving this 'grand' speech about wining without thanking the three people that made all of this possible.
I'm not good at speeches, but I'd like to thank Firefly, Eukara and Clyde for doing a great job in judging our little contest. We couldn't have done this without you guys. ^>^

This was supposed to be bigger and stuff, but I think I'd just blow it. :^P
AQ  Post #: 31
7/28/2008 13:21:19   
jerenda
Member

Yeah, I'd like to copy MM and thank the three judges for taking the time to give a critique and vote. I know it must have been hard, and I really appreciate it. Thanks a bajillion. *hug/tackles all judges*

Oh, and Eukara? Great job posting on writer's block!! *high-fives*

Eukara, Flight, a Battle Shop would be a great idea. I really enjoyed reading these critiques, and it was nerve-wracking- but kind of fun at the same time- to wait around for you people to finish. ^_^
AQ DF  Post #: 32
7/28/2008 13:26:05   
mastin2
Member

Now, onto jerenda's story. Read it a while ago, but was logged out and, for obvious reasons, could not critique.

Expect a brutal butchering!
NOTE: Brutal butchering can and will very, very likely equal a harsh 'comma critique', with the occasional other opinion thrown in. Joy!




quote:

but strangely this does not alarm me.
I'd put a comma after 'strangely'.

quote:

After what seems like decades my thoughts arrange themselves
I'd put a comma after 'decades'.

quote:

For some reason the realization delights my
I'd put a comma after 'reason'.

quote:

It is then that I realize my skin was ice-cold
'was' should be 'is', because this is present tense, right?

quote:

As I take the name upon me, imprinting it into my being and making it my own, as slew of memories unlock, flowing into my darkened mind like so many brilliant butterflies
The 'As' applies something else happens. Which, it doesn't. I'd drop the first 'As'.

quote:

From my position on the floor I regard him
I'd put a comma after 'floor'.

quote:

wavering half-matured voice of a teenager I hear a silvery sweet tone.
I'd put a comma after 'teenager'.

quote:

Don’t argue, just do it.
I'd make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

Instead there’s a gaping hole inside of me where my emotions used to be.
I'd put a comma after 'Instead'.

quote:

of the voice leaning casually against the doorframe, and my jaw drops.
The comma here, to me, unnecessarily slows down the flow; I'd drop it.

quote:

There was nothing on earth to match it.
On previous occasions (except for the one listed above, which is like this one), I do believe the tense change was intentional. But this one (and the one above), I am fairly sure is supposed to be present tense. 'was' should be 'is'.




It is well-written, Jerenda! What else to say? It caught my attention. I actually disagree with the judges here--I could feel more with Kurai than I could for Midory. She seemed slightly more human. The description of the characters was wonderful. The story was shorter, but overall (to me) had greater detail. I would've liked to have seen more of the senses--plenty of sight and touch, but not much of smell and taste.

Well, that's about all I can say. You may wish to be more careful with your tenses; I can understand changing them for a moment (I do it all the time, much to my readers' chagrin), but it is a dangerous tactic in writing; this double-edged sword can end up confusing your readers. Watch it, kay?

-M

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 7/28/2008 13:47:35 >
Post #: 33
7/28/2008 14:33:16   
jerenda
Member

Okay, so I put this up on my Into the Night thread and that's where I'll change it. But I'll reply here.

1) I don't want a pause there.
2) Changed.
3) Changed.
4) Beat you to it. =P
5) Actually, the second "as" was supposed to be "a". Thanks for catching that- forgot to change it when I put it up.
6) Don't want a pause there.
7) Changed.
8) I'm not sure about the rules for semi-colons, but I know I don't want that particular inflection there, just a half-second pause, so I'm leaving it as is.
9) Mmm... not sure... it sounds the same both ways to me, but since I want you to slow down on the "my jaw drops" part I'll leave it. I want the first part read casually, and his description read nice and slowly, letting the image take place in your mind. Speed-bump comma!
10) Actually, I was debating that myself. Leave it or don't? *wavers* *reads aloud both ways* Nah, the "my voice was now melodious" bit shifts the tense to past- purposefully, I may add- and it sounds awkward to shift it back right there. Of course, I could change the first "was" there to be "is"... what do you think flows better?

Yay! Thanks mastin. I thought her characterization was awesome too! I'll keep the tense thing in mind. This is actually my first present-tense story, so I've been going over it 24/7 to catch all the mistakes. ^_^ Tell me if I forgot something- I made the present-tense decision after the story was written. See, I was reading it over and realized that I kept fluctuating b/t past and present, because I wrote it at different times so I did different things, and decided to try something new! ^_^
AQ DF  Post #: 34
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