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RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse

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3/29/2009 14:45:56   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 Ooo, I like your newest two. "Guilty Innocent" was especially very powerful at the ending. I suggest that you try longer, more descriptive poems with more varying sentence structures in the future. You're currently very good at what you write, but I'm sure you can broaden your horizons, so to speak.

EDIT: This page belongs to me. Claimed for the sake of... oh, I dunno. Spring?
No page-claiming. - Cow Face

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 6/3/2009 15:55:31 >
AQ  Post #: 26
3/31/2009 15:31:28   
Helixi
Member

New poems...I think.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 9:49:08 >
AQ DF  Post #: 27
4/23/2009 11:28:39   
Helixi
Member

I will update my poetry thread very soon!

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 9:49:23 >
AQ DF  Post #: 28
4/24/2009 11:13:55   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

wow.. these are amazing Helix...
i especially like: Flirt/My Suicide and the turning.

great job.
they dont follow the traditional pattern which is what i think maks them great
DF  Post #: 29
4/24/2009 12:53:10   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 Greetings and nice to meet you. I am Gwoonjustin. *reaches out a welcoming hand*

Reading the last five, then maybe I'll keep up with your scribblings. I'm not sure though. I'm lazy, and I'm making that promise a bit too much lately.

History is the future:
1:
quote:

"Geography is a subject which holds the key to our future" said one man.
But history holds the keys to knowledge
Without the past, there can be no future.

First you say, well regardless of that, history holds the keys to knowledge. Then you go and try to actively fight the claim that it is geography rather than history which holds the future. Seems a bit weird to me. Also, it seems very weird someone would claim this about geography. It seems a bit forced that you put it in, therefore. Can't think of an alternative now, though.

Very powerful, otherwise.

Death Magnetic:
Nice. No further comments.

Funeral:
2:
quote:

He cat-bell choker circling her neck, forever silenced.

The cat-bell
or:
Her cat-bell

3:Bit of a weird tense change there halfway through. Intentional?
I suggest present tense all the way. Seems stronger that way to me.
Again, very powerful. You are definitely worth keeping up with!

Heartache:
4:
quote:


We had our problems, you and me
But we always worked them out
Got back together.
So why, whenever I look away, is he "off for a ciggie" with her?

First the male character is "you", then "he". How come?
Wow. This one's great too.

Puddles:
Very cute, however short. Got a smile to my face at the end, too.

You have a very unique style. Keep it up, and keep em coming!
AQ  Post #: 30
4/24/2009 15:59:53   
Helixi
Member


*takes welcoming hand and shakes it vigourously*
@gwoonjustin: History/Geography poem. I think I was really really tired when I wrote that. I can't even remember writing it. That's why it's crap. I'll try to improve though.

Funeral: Intentional tense change, its meant to be "Her cat-bell". I'll fix that soon. Done

Heartache: Um...no comment. I can't see the error. Scratch that, I see it. Thanks for pointing that out. Fix'ed.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 9:50:52 >
AQ DF  Post #: 31
4/25/2009 13:38:37   
Poetic Melody
Member

Hmm... Interesting poems. It's a nice style. Have you ever written a rhyming poem? Just curious.

You have something very original about you. Keep writing!
DF  Post #: 32
4/25/2009 15:15:23   
Helixi
Member

^No. I tried to. It came out sounding very wrong and different from what I intended.


New poem, Funeral for a Friend.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 9:51:21 >
AQ DF  Post #: 33
4/26/2009 18:21:46   
Darkn3zz
Member

Amazing stuff and i think you need a different topic than deatrh vamps and blood.ZOMBIES!
Post #: 34
4/27/2009 12:08:48   
Helixi
Member

^I did puddles in a rare moment. then I went back to my normal mood of writing.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 9:51:55 >
AQ DF  Post #: 35
4/30/2009 16:21:02   
Helixi
Member

@gwoon (can I call you Gwoon?): Nope, I can think of nothing for my Geog/Hist. poem. Any suggestions?

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 9:52:20 >
AQ DF  Post #: 36
5/1/2009 5:54:02   
Crimzon5
Member

Man... Imma gonna try making an emo poem... like you xD

hey... how come smalls gets to collab with you...
AQ DF  Post #: 37
5/1/2009 11:14:26   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 I'll let it slip for now XP

Sorry. No ideas currently. Will have a thorough look soon and think about it a little.
AQ  Post #: 38
5/2/2009 16:37:21   
Helixi
Member

^Thankies.

@crimz: Smalls did a collab with me because she likes me more! Just kidding. :p

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 9:52:51 >
AQ DF  Post #: 39
5/2/2009 17:01:43   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 Firstly: Does it need to be a subject? If not "the economy" or "politics" may suit better.

About the other stuff I said (and it took me a while to figure out what I meant. It's making me feel bad for all you who have to face my weird comments):
quote:


"Geography is a subject which holds the key to our future" said one man.
But history holds the keys to knowledge
Without the past, there can be no future.

"Politics are the [insert random word here] which hold the key to the future" said one man
But history holds the keys to knowledge
And so without it, there can't be future

Simple adjustment, but I think it solved the problems. If you have trouble understanding which problems I mean, well then I'm sorry, cause I have trouble explaining it better...
AQ  Post #: 40
5/3/2009 4:32:32   
Helixi
Member

^no, I get it and the poem is better. Thankies. :)

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 9:53:25 >
AQ DF  Post #: 41
5/4/2009 17:28:39   
DA Holder67
Member

Scary! 0_0

Anyway,your good. Really good. Birth and Death,Roses,and Funeral for a friend are the best ones.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 42
5/7/2009 12:05:26   
Helixi
Member

Heh, I have a "companion" poem to Funeral for a Friend up. I'm also going to put Smalls, mine and Spawn of Teridax's collab up soonish.

Ooookay.... I deleted the link to the collab by accident. but I do have three more poems up.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 9:54:16 >
AQ DF  Post #: 43
5/10/2009 16:39:54   
Helixi
Member

New Poem, "Rescue Me".
AQ DF  Post #: 44
5/12/2009 13:45:56   
Helixi
Member

Not sure if this is allowed, but oh well. I started posting a story in English 101 entitled The Strangers. Scroll down for the entire story so far and don't forget to give me some criticism :)


EDIT: OK, after giving this some thought, I have decided to put my poetry collection on hold while I finsh my story and maybe get approved. I'll insert a useless filler picture to keep you entertained. :)






Attachment (1)

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 9:55:09 >
AQ DF  Post #: 45
5/19/2009 13:42:42   
BrantePyrus
Member

Wow.
This is beautifully dark.
I look forward to hearing more from you!
My personal views are a bit more positive, but not by much.. and I liked this. Format's good too.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 46
5/20/2009 15:47:13   
Helixi
Member

New poems, So Slow, Door to the Mind and an Untitled.
AQ DF  Post #: 47
5/22/2009 15:10:04   
spellmaster
Member

Your funeral peom reminds me of a few stories. I can't think of there names >.<. Anyways nice new poems and keep it emo.
Post #: 48
5/22/2009 15:14:31   
Helixi
Member

Thank you Spelly. :)

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 9:55:40 >
AQ DF  Post #: 49
5/22/2009 20:33:52   
Gianna Glow
Member

oh my... you're last poem had me freaking out... made me think of X-men.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 50
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