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The Reaper's Records: The Chronicles of Tipa- Comments

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6/22/2009 21:44:17   

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

Greetings one and all. If you visit AQ GD or Paxia, then you already know me. If not, just know that I am a lovable moogle who takes a casual side-intrest in writing stuff.

The Chronicles of Tipa is my second work here on the AE forums. My first one was... not very sucessful as it got deleted in the L&L purge a while back, and I had never bothered to actually update it. This one, will hopefully be better. The story is set in a some-what typical Medieval Fantasy setting, but as you can see, there's going to be future stuff sprinkled throughout the story.

The actual story is based on an old roleplaying guild I used to be very active in before I came to the AE forums. It also includes other elments from my imagination that I never actually got around to on pen and paper, and I figured this would be a good attempt to try brining some stuff together. I do hope that y'all enjoy reading this. I always enjoy constructive criticism, especially since I'm a mechanical engineer.

If the prologue seems ambiguous, I somewhat made it that way for 2 reasons-

1) It would be way too long of a prolouge if I tried to explain everything about the universe in one post. And yes, as a left-brained person, I like setting stuff up first before venturing into it. I know it's an odd approach to writing, but I'm hoping to not keep the "explination" too long.

2) I was hoping that ambiguity would keep readers interested in reading.

So, here it is to enjoy. As for updates... I'll try once a week. Depends on my mood. Kupo!

< Message edited by Ultrapowerpie -- 6/29/2009 11:12:19 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 1
6/28/2009 23:01:29   

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

No comments yet? So sad!

Anyways, next chapter is up. Hopefully it'll clear things up. I'm one of those writers that likes to get the majority of the background out of the way at the beggining, so bare with me please. Yes, this story is supposed to be somewhat funny and not all seirous, so I do hope you enjoy it.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 2
6/29/2009 1:12:42   

Heya, Ultrapowerpie! Probably don't recognize me, but I know you. Sounds really creepy, amirite?

First of all, in your links, remove the "key=?" in the link. Thank you.

Aside from some minor grammatical and spelling errors, the story is sound. I'd suggest you at least download an in-broswer spellchecker, such as the one included in Google toolbar. That's the one I use anyway. Here's a link:


So, sci-fi I'm assuming? Interesting. I'll read more later, and do a more in-depth analysis. You can probably go to the ENG101 L&L Workshop for some more refined critiquing if you feel like it, but as far as I can tell, I'm the only reader you got.

Good job so far!


DF  Post #: 3
6/29/2009 2:22:46   
Gianna Glow

O.o Wow, i like this... its just off-beat enough that I actually think its kinda funny (sorry if its not meant to be...). Keep going and I eagerly await your next installment!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
6/29/2009 10:03:20   

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

Sci-Fi? It's going to be a medly. The Reaper HQ is the cutting edge of Sci-Fi, but the world of Tipa is all middle ages. Throw in a kid who's from "modern times", and you got yourself a very odd story. As for typos, I'm typing it in word first before here, so I may want to double check with my spellcheck there.

As for humor, yes. I love humor in the middle of adventures. So go ahead and laugh when you feel like it. :)

I'll try to get the next chapter up sometime this week. Glad to know that I do have readers :)
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 5
6/29/2009 11:09:47   

Hehe, I like this. Its a good mix of fantasy, scifi and humour.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:46:17 >
AQ DF  Post #: 6
6/29/2009 13:25:43   

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

Thanks guys! I got the next chapter up. Still explinations and such, but at least Necro made it to level 2 :D
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 7
6/30/2009 5:32:42   

-slaps Pie- Sorry, old habbit of slappin CF(I hope he doesnt read this >.>)

Anyway I found a small typo I assume?


“Actually, I believe your exaggeration may actually be accurate in this account, ,aster”

,aster? I assume it would be Master?(This is in the Prologue. I didnt came further as the typo for now :P)

Same typo again(I assume?)


“Sorry ,aster, he is from ‘Earth’, from the United States of America, though anyplace more specific is impossible at this point, as the portal only lasted for 5.6 seconds…” EVA began, somewhat hinting at annoyance in its voice at the moment.

I like the story. Looking out for new chapters.

< Message edited by BadHulk -- 6/30/2009 5:55:01 >


AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 8
6/30/2009 8:32:38   

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

Thanks Badhulk for catching that, I got no idea what happened there... you think Word would have caught that >.>

I got the next chapter up! This is a rare event, so don't expect it too often frequency wise. :P

Be warned, this chapter is a tad more serious then the other chapters, but it's necessary to think about it. Don't worry, there's still funny, that's not going away. :)

< Message edited by Ultrapowerpie -- 6/30/2009 8:34:19 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 9
6/30/2009 8:50:15   

I ish here again :D


Don’t want people to think you’re crazier then you really are.”

Don't? You or I should be infront of that I assume?

Also cant wait till next chapter.

< Message edited by BadHulk -- 6/30/2009 8:51:58 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 10
7/1/2009 21:10:26   

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

The you is technically implied there. It's more of a speech thing of his then a gramatical error, but I guess I can fix it...

Amazingly enough, I made the next chapter! Much more humor in this one, and important explinations of undead.

Yes, we will be leaving Calico soon enough, give me time. I'm planning on this being a LONG story, so don't expect an end anytime soon. :D

I also fixed some formatting issues with Chapter 3. I made the first half of it in an email and then emailed it to myself cause I was at UT at the time. Now it looks like I did it all in word in one file. XD

< Message edited by Ultrapowerpie -- 7/1/2009 21:57:13 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 11
7/2/2009 0:23:34   

Hey Ultrapowerpie! I really like this story so far, and I'd like to see more of it. THere are a few small errors here, nothing major, but I think they should be addressed.


“Actually, I believe your exaggeration may actually be accurate in this account, Master” EVA responded, the voice not giving any hint of emotion one way or another.

Here, you don't have a punctuation mark at the end of the spoken sentence. If you're attatching a tag like 'he said' and the person is speaking in a complete sentence, the period should be replaced by a comma. Exclamation and question marks remain as they are.


“Oh, minor stuff sir. I corrected a slight discrepancy in his eyes, corrected his over reactive immune system, and cured a condition I believe is called “Asthma”. Nothing else was wrong. The Mark can be found on the underside of his right wrist, though it is currently dormant.”

Here, beginning with 'Oh, minor stuff' sort of throws off the flow of speaking. Judging from everything that I have read so far, it seems as EVA speaks very stiffly and formally, and speaking like that seems a little out of character.

Otherwise, I couldn't see anything else that needed fixing up. Your writing style is very enticing, and I look forward to the next installment. This will turn out to be an interesting story.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 12
7/2/2009 21:44:00   

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

Fixed the problems you mentioned, and I got another chapter added! I'm just on a roll! We'll be leaving Calico soon! :O
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 13
7/11/2009 9:00:21   

No update yet? D: Cmmn Pie. I'm waiting to bug you with fixes.


AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 14
7/13/2009 22:21:43   

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

Oh, very well, just for you Badhulk, I made the next chapter. And for the rest of my few readers. :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 15
7/14/2009 16:56:37   

...Wow... Just, wow. Best. Story. Eva! I'm guessing the Grim's head falling off thing is going to be a running gag? Well, can't wate for mooooorreeeee!!!
Post #: 16
7/14/2009 18:58:49   
Gianna Glow

Yay! I'm still a loyal fan! I love it, especially Grim's headless problem.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 17
7/14/2009 22:23:51   

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

Awww, thanks guys. Grim can't exactly "loose his head" since he won't be physically there, but we can still have jaw drops and the like.

Just for the show of support, I wrote the next chapter! It turned a twist that I didn't even expect until I wrote the ending part of it! :o
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 18
7/15/2009 14:32:43   

/me pokes in to bug the Moogle :o

Prepare to be assaulted by the grammar Nazi (like old times, eh? :D)! I'm ignoring little things like commas because I figure you don't want to deal with changing that for relaxed writing (although I'd happily go back through and point those out :P), but I have some wordings I think you might want to work on and some other stuff I want to point out that I liked. I've only read Chapter One thus far.


“I absolutely despise our realm being stuck out here in the backwater region of the omniverse. These random portals plaguing Tipa is going to be the death of us all,” the voice sighed. The voice in question emanated from a typical mysterious figure in a black cloak that hid the figure’s face but for two red eyes that seemed to float from within the hood. What was not as typical of this much used stereotype, was that the figure was currently sitting in front of an advanced computer terminal with arms that were just bones.
Couple of things here. I think it should be "these random portals plaguing Tipa are going...", just for agreement purposes (I know they're almost one big problem, but "are" sounds better). I also don't love the structure of the last sentence. The idea and the details are great, but it feels a bit forced right now. Something like, "Curiously, the figure was currently sitting in front of an advanced computer terminal with arms that were just bones" might work better. Let us recognize the stereotype (if it is one!) on our own rather than forcing it on the sentence.


the figure asked, stroking what was presumably where a chin would be inside his hood.
Hehe, I like this. Taking out some words to leave it as "stroking what was presumably a chin inside his food" and be more punchy, I think.


“Earth, for the love of the Giant Pie in the Sky, the planet is called Earth. EARTH! Only in certain rare variations of the planet is it ever called “Terra”, and I know that you can distinguish between variations. I happen to know that variants 1 million to 65 million of the Sol System are counted under the “Realistic” umbrella by the FCPA, and they address their planet as Earth in the language most commonly accepted, if there was a “universal language” for the species,” the figure ranted, throwing his arms wildly and randomly in the air before giving a slight cough and regaining his composure.


“Never mind that, I’m going to take your cryptic remark to my earlier comment meant that the Mark of the Death Element was on this mortal.
This sentence seems like it got a little crunched through some rewrites. I'd change it to "Never mind that, I'm going to assume that your cryptic response to my earlier comment meant that the Mark of the Death Element was on this mortal...".


“Minor alterations that would have caused some inconveniance to everyone including himself, sir. I corrected a slight discrepancy in his eyes, corrected his over reactive immune system, and cured a condition I believe is called “Asthma”.
Uh, how can I meet this robot? ;)


The human, 21, with brown hair and eyes, was scrawny, wearing a T-shirt saying “I like pie” on it, with camouflage cargo shorts.


I will explain more in-depth as time progresses, but for the sake of time, let’s say that you have been sucked in from your world into this one because you have been “chosen by the forces of fate” to help bring balance to this planet. Yes, I realize it’s cliché, but it’s the simplest way of explaining things” he explained, waving his arm dismissingly of the human’s speech.
Darn those clichés!


“Of course! Everyone knows that you can’t have a long plot exposition without pie! Or root beer!”

See, I let you off easy. I like this a lot, Pie; amusing while also having the potential to be more serious when you decide to. I'll be back sometime to read more (you're moving quickly with this one!).
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 19
7/15/2009 15:24:41   

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

Heh heh heh, I may be too lazy to do those corrections, depends on my mood. Just bought a PS2 :P

In other news, I'm making the next chapter.

And as for more "seriousness", yes and no. I love humor, but there will be seriousness... eventually. :P

< Message edited by Ultrapowerpie -- 7/15/2009 15:36:03 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 20
7/15/2009 15:32:01   

ZOMG, it's this thing again! :D

This brings me way back. Like, when the sky was bluer and saying "LOL" in real life would get you punched in the face. Have to read this soon.
AQ DF  Post #: 21
7/15/2009 15:37:52   

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

Actually Shodu, this is different then the first story. Almost completely different, but I think it's better. Thanks Shodu. I'll get that chapter up soon! :D
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 22
7/15/2009 22:54:09   

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest

Good news, I finally got the chapter done, and is it a doozy! Yes, more history explination, but it's all important. I tried to break things up towards the end with some humor and a small fight scene. I promise we WILL be in Shambles next chapter. XD
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 23
7/15/2009 23:11:38   
Gianna Glow

I am still loving this! Just wanted to let you know.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 24
7/16/2009 15:56:28   
not steve

This is good stuff Upp (if I may so call you :P) I am only up to chapter three at this point but I haven't had much time for reading lately, and will probably finish it tonight. Until than, NO ONE BETTER SPOIL IT!! XD Lots of fun although perhaps having reapers for different elements and still calling them all reapers was a little strange, as to reap is by definition essentially to harvest. The reaper of death would harvest the souls of the dead, but what do the others do? :P I would have liked to see elemental avatars certainly but maybe it would have worked out better if it was the "Reaper of death", "The Cleric of life", "The Dragoon of air", "The Arsonist of fire" ect. (the last one was a joke) but I am still enjoying this quite allot and am eager to read more.
AQ DF  Post #: 25
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