Argeus the Paladin
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Right, chapter 7 and 8. When I say I AM going throught this, I am.
8) Chapter 7
quote:
As if on cue, the two owlbears emerged from the forest, roar-whooing at Necro in a direct charge. Panicking, Necro quickly reached for the Complicator and pressed F1, which brought out the Plasma Cannon. Quickly aiming the cannon and clenching his left hand into a fist, he obliterated the two owlbears, as well as a giant hole in the forest as the cannon’s muzzle emitted steam for cooling down. “Whoops… well at least I took care of them” Necro said, putting the Plasma Cannon away.
"Twin Buster Rifle, Maximum Output. Target Lock on. Destroy the enemy". Can't help it. Because we need plenty of friggin' laser beams out here.
quote:
Try not to use it that often… we also don’t want the locals being too aware of advanced magi-tech
Good to see you've found a way to limit the use of such gamebreaker. Or, since this is a story, would that make it story-breaker?
quote:
paladin
*glances at forum ID*. Pie, I don't actually think that flanderizing paladins into the kind of self-righteous Lawful Stupid character is a very wise option. This is of course a very biased option. Guess who is the author with the biggest non-sexual Paladin fetishist/worshipper in this entire friggin' planet? If not Artix himself, then that's me.
But then again, this part is being played for jokes, isn't it? If I assume it that way, then there is one advice - make it so that the Lv-5 Pally got humiliated (armor/belt slashed in half and revealing him in a B-Day suit, for instance) rather than having him murdered. Because to moderate readers who would not want to take this story as a serious Anyone Can Die Black And Grey Morality Adventure Drama, Necro's murdering of a Paladin during the first adventure whle enjoying popcorns no less, count as a Rape The Dog/Moral Event Horizon. You don't want your hero to go "A Noble Demon who crosses the horizon ceases to be noble. The Gentleman Thief loses his gentlemanliness, and the Classy Cat Burglar her class. The Woobie Destroyer Of Worlds loses the Woobie part. "
Another thing - I know this is subjective, but try not to neglect the Mary Sue Litmus Test at this time. Necro is once again doing something, ahem, too special. But again, I haven't reade C. 8 at this point yet, so I'll stop this rant here and go on to:
9) Chapter 8
The exposition took my over for some time really.
*reads on*
*twitches*
... Wait, what?
I've spotted some glaringly obvious Snark Baits related to your class system:
quote:
You would think that the Paladins and Druids would get along great with each other, and they would, if they didn’t have one big difference. The Paladins believe that all moving life is sacred, and therefore are primarily vegetarians, with only eating meat when necessary or on rare occasions. The Druids believe that plants are the most sacred of all life, and therefore only eat meat.
Well... no. Just... no. On one hands, Paladins are the champions of Law and Order in most incarnations. They more often than not respect life less than some other more neutral classes. Think of the Pally who, say, executes evildoers without mercy even when that evildoer is, say, living. The fact that they wield healing magic from time to time is because light, their true affinity, is usually associated with healing.
On the other hand, Druids are the kind of tree-lurking fellahs that believes that the forest and everything in it, both flora and fauna, are sacred. They are those "we must live in harmony with nature and be part of the ecosystem rather than taking advantage of it" fantasy activists, not the kind of guys who would only eat meat. If they were in Final Fantasy VII, they would be the most obvious opponents of MATERIA harvesting, no doubt.
Not to mention eating only meat kills you pretty fast with scurvy...
*reads on*
Mood swing, Pie. The mood swing in this chapter is a little too... over the top, even for the purpose of comedy. Going from tragedy (The destruction of the Grand Kingdom is, for instance, effectively an End Of The World As We Know It for 75% of the population) to comedy (A semi-serious, semi-mock battle between Leeroy (Jenkins?) and Grim with scattered bones ensuing) within a couple of paragraph is a Love It Or Hate It material. To some, it would be absolutely brilliant. To some others, it would be highly inappropriate, seeing that the end of Grand and *gulp* End Of Evangelion isn't that far off. And I, my apology, is among the latter.
Not to mention Leeroy's attitude is outright unnatural. He was treating Grim and Necro as, at worst, some sort of alnemy (ally/enemy), from the way he speaks. The accusation comes off as hammy, heavy on exposition and, at its worst, semi-humorous. Hello there, this guy just blew your home to orange goo bits 400 years ago! Oh, and skeletons can't spit for obvious reasons.
One final note: Okay now, the leveling system is getting ridiculous. It is appearing to me that you are setting up "level requirements" barriers only to have Necro breaking it with impunity, through minor justification "I did some research". Mary Sue analysts take this form of Instant Mastery VERY SERIOUSLY when it comes to deciding if a character is a Sue or not.
Overall comment for both chapters: So that is 8 chapters, and not much had actually happened. Whwn I thought we are finally getting off from Colico once and for all, we got pulled back. You might want to change the pacing a little - at this rate, many of the audience will just be, you know, bored. Also, note your repetition. There are minor repetition here and there, but you would do better to try not to let it happen too often.
Whew... to say a final line, I wasn't quite as satisfied with these chapters as I should, was I? But again, I'm still holding my hope up for something better in the next chapters!
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