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Visions: Faith, Wrath, and Zeal

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4/13/2010 10:39:10   
Crimzon5
Member

Yeah. It's back. With a whole new plot though!

Story can be found here:
Faith
Wrath
Zeal

AQ DF  Post #: 1
4/14/2010 10:53:35   
UrufuHiken
Creative!


 Hmm. A very interesting concept and setting you've got here. I like what you've done with the narrative sequence; making the narrator an actual character within the story, and one with quite the morbid sense of wit and humor. The contrasts definitely make it interesting.

There may be some errors in the actual writing, and I think I may have saw one, but seeming as I am just waking up and somehow managing to read this story with my eyes closed half the time, I don't completely trust my judgment. I'll see if I can't be of assistance some time later.

Keep it coming! As it is, I am a little confused as to all the specifics to what is going on, so I must see this story through, else my brain explode with angst. ; )
Post #: 2
4/18/2010 6:55:01   
Crimzon5
Member

If there really was an error, I hope you can find it. I'll need to fix it.

quote:

Keep it coming! As it is, I am a little confused as to all the specifics to what is going on, so I must see this story through, else my brain explode with angst. ; )
But it's too early for the plot twist :P
AQ DF  Post #: 3
4/18/2010 9:11:05   
Postmaster General
Member

I am glad you decided to continue your story, and I hope that you will keep your fire of inspiration burning. This is a very good story, I like how you have created a utopia in which a place like this can exist. There are so many things that just excite me about this story and I would hate to see its growth halt.

I believe I have found that error, and possibly a few more that I can bring to your attention.

In Greeting the Guests
quote:

An usher guided Mark Ryan F. Kristen to [the] door at the instant he set foot on the red carpet that stretched to the first step of the wide stairway overlaid with glazed tiles.


I inserted 'the' between 'to' and 'door', I believe you forgot it.

In Mankind, the Destroyers of Worlds, Creators of Cities

quote:

Seriously, the only reason why is lost was that information on their plans wasn’t leaked. If the public knew about it, surely the “unethical way” would have gained more supporters.


A possible typo, I believe this should be 'it'.

quote:

After months of arguments and debates which led to the defeat of the plan that I would have rooted for if I were alive during that time, the United Nations agreed to spend billions in the construction of an artificial continent


This is verging on run-on sentence, breaking it up with some sort of punctuation would fix this.

quote:

Of course, putting together different people with different origins, principles, beliefs, and religion especially, things could into chaos.


I believe you forgot a word or two in here; maybe 'turn into chaos', or something to that effect.

quote:

Can you really call those as bars?


'as' should be omitted here. It would either be 'refer to those as...' or 'call those...'


Also, there were two sentences that I was not sure on the meaning and I think they could either be reworded or reiterated.

quote:

If not much people are here because of this, who knows?


quote:

...I guess this is all that’s there to it.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 4
4/22/2010 8:59:17   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks. I've applied corrections :D



@UrufuHiken: Race to chapter 20 is on! Imma gonna make the rest of my chapters twice as long as they currently are to be fair
AQ DF  Post #: 5
4/27/2010 6:45:22   
Crimzon5
Member

Added chapter 4. Barely 6 pages on MS Word, default margin. Fairly paced for a race with Uruf xD
AQ DF  Post #: 6
4/27/2010 11:16:06   
Postmaster General
Member

Another great addition!

I just noticed a few things I'll point out:

In A Star Whose Shine Pierces Through Daylight, Part 1:

quote:

Hey Jhenine. Let’s take a sit on the sofa over there


It is either 'take a seat' or 'sit'. So, 'Let's take a seat on the sofa over there.' or 'Let's sit on the sofa over there.'

quote:

“So…” she said, finally equipped with the words which she believed she can push through with, “how are you?”


There is a verb tense disagreement here. 'believe' and 'can are two different tenses. Since you have consistantly used past tense, I would suggest changing 'can' to 'could'.

quote:

“Fine…” Jhenine replied immediately but slowly, still looking at the same direction.


It should be 'still looking in the same direction.' or 'still looking at the same spot.'

quote:

“Of course not!” she shouted hysterically. Fortunately for the two – or rather only the one wearing a green coat for the other most likely was not going to care – no one around (I don’t count) paid them his or her attention.


This sentence is choppy and jumps around quite a bit. I would suggest breaking it up into two or three sentences, to simplify what's going on.

quote:

“So the ‘love’ Ryan taught you is the one about food. Why did I have to be surprised?”


It should be something more like 'Why am I surprised?'

quote:

It began to question her if Ryan referred her as a source of happiness and companionship.


I don't quite understand this sentence. The words appear jumbled enough to create confusion. What is questioning? Ryan referred her as a source to someone? Or referred to something to describe it to Jhenine?

quote:

But… this girl knows much less than I what I expected her to


Omit the first 'I': 'But... this girl knows much less than what I expected her to.'

AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 7
4/27/2010 20:22:24   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks Sheriff! *Should've called you Duncan instead, it's easier to type xD*

Okay, a few errors (especially the first) were quite embarrassing. Next time, I'm gonna write during the day.


quote:

I don't quite understand this sentence. The words appear jumbled enough to create confusion. What is questioning? Ryan referred her as a source to someone? Or referred to something to describe it to Jhenine?


Fixed it a bit. It's now: She began to question herself if Ryan ever did refer to her, a childhood friend for nearly half of his life, as a source of happiness and companionship even to the slightest bit.

I added the apposition to clarify who the 'her' is. Changed it to she

quote:

This sentence is choppy and jumps around quite a bit. I would suggest breaking it up into two or three sentences, to simplify what's going on.

Changed to: “Of course not!” she shouted hysterically. Fortunately for the two (or rather only the one wearing a green coat, for the other one was most likely not going to care) everyone else in the party was too busy with their own concerns to give the girls any attention.

Hehe, the errors you pointed out are at the first half of the chapter which could mean either two things:
1) Crimz is better writing male-to-male conversations than female-to-female or...
2) You haven't read the other half yet

In any case, I better look for other corrections
AQ DF  Post #: 8
4/27/2010 20:38:13   
Postmaster General
Member

The latter is the correct answer.

But I am able to read it now, and here is what I've found:

quote:

“And yet no one has bothered to go up in it, now has one?”


I'm picking my brain for a rule against this, but I can't find it. Still, it doesn't sound right. Choices would be simply omitting it, or changing it to 'And yet no one has bothered to go up in it, now have they?'

quote:

while each prism was three meters apart from one another


Adding the 'from one another' is redundant, because 'apart' implies that the description is in relation to each other.

quote:

“So where does this one leas to?”


Typo.

quote:

Silver light welled down from where it led to, hinting it was an exit.


The light welled down and then back to it's source?

quote:

A few short pillars stood half-drowned in the layer snow


Layer snow....Layer of snow? or Layered snow.

quote:

With a grin, bent down and gathered some snow into a pile which he used as a pillow after lying down.


Sentence Fragment, I don't see a preliminary noun.

It would however, seem that the former choice (Crimz is better writing male-to-male conversations than female-to-female) is also true. It seems to me that I found more mistakes in the female conversation than I did the male.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 9
4/27/2010 20:54:48   
Crimzon5
Member

Ha! When I said "In any case, I better look for other corrections," I wasn't kidding :P

(I had changed the leas to lead and had added a he which was missing in your last quote before they were pointed out xD)

quote:

I'm picking my brain for a rule against this, but I can't find it. Still, it doesn't sound right. Choices would be simply omitting it, or changing it to 'And yet no one has bothered to go up in it, now have they?'
One is singular, they is plural. I don't find anything wrong with it; a few friends of mine (me included) sometimes talk like that. (Oh no... this might be a chance for all of us to get corrected if there is indeed something wrong). I'll retain it for a now though

quote:

Adding the 'from one another' is redundant, because 'apart' implies that the description is in relation to each other.
Redundancy that doesn't involve repeating words... a weakness that came back to haunt me, huh


quote:

quote:

Silver light welled down from where it led to, hinting it was an exit.

The light welled down and then back to it's source?

What do you mean? It welled from its source, not back to it

Thanks again Duncan! Hope you enjoy the next updates (with the ease of not having to correct that much)

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 4/27/2010 20:57:17 >
AQ DF  Post #: 10
5/7/2010 5:48:20   
Crimzon5
Member

Added another chapter. Just what is the narrator trying to accomplish? Ah well, beats me, too, sometimes.
AQ DF  Post #: 11
5/9/2010 8:07:09   
Crimzon5
Member

Just did some revisions to the first 3 chapters. Apparently, I forgot to mention their parents' names. I also spotted a few errors, so I fixed them.

Anyways... Evangeline = Mom's name // Alger = Dad's

AQ DF  Post #: 12
5/14/2010 3:40:12   
Crimzon5
Member

Chapter 6 is up. 10 pages on MS Word I think.

I think I'll need your comments on the last parts though. I struggled at that part... and I preferred the first part when proofreading. But you better pay attention to the dialogues there ;)
AQ DF  Post #: 13
5/14/2010 14:01:47   
Postmaster General
Member

Wow, you sure do like to stay busy! Of course, I'm happy to read through!

I'll only be able to get to 'The Seed of Eden' at the moment, but no worries, I'll be back for more with 'Lea Alantra' later on!

quote:

Clouds hoarded the sky from the city and darkened it.


I'm not sure if you actually meant 'hoarded' which would be to acquire large amounts of the sky and hold on to it, or 'horded' which would be to enumerate, derived from the word 'horde'.

quote:

Located a floor above living room was the household’s balcony where the young brunette soon arrived


You seem to be missing an article before 'living room' it should be 'a living room' or 'the living room'.

quote:

No one was allowed to take a look on the poems she had written


A slightly incorrect preposition here: 'No one was allowed to take a look at the poems...'

quote:

the twins were enrolled in nursery.


Another missing article, 'enrolled in a nursery'

quote:

“Well, Ryan told us what you wanted him to that you wanted to stay upstairs.


Since you are restating what Ryan told, it should be set aside either by commas or otherwise: 'Well, Ryan told us what you wanted him to, that you wanted to stay upstairs.'

I keep falling for your story over and over again. I wish to read on, but alas, I have other things to do! I'll be back! Keep it up! I'm glad you continued with your story this time around.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 14
5/15/2010 10:21:41   
Crimzon5
Member

I really appreciate the help :)

1) Yeah. Hoarded was a wrong word. I'll change it to something like veiled or something
2) "The" is the missing word
3) Thanks. I better try to work on knowing which preposition to use
4) I think it can do without the article. It's like saying, "I was enrolled in grade school." But yeah, it can also do with an article, and it might actually be better
5) Thanks for reminding me on that. I was going to change it after proofreading but I must've forgotten.


A) I'll apply these corrections tomorrow. So tired... I've been out of home for the entire day

B) This is so gonna spoil you, but the story will still be shrouded by mystery.
spoiler:


Title: The Seed of Eden
Last Line of the verse: He struggles, searching for the truth, only to find a clue
Last line of the chapter: “Yeah. You and I are sister and brother despite that fact,” Specimen SOE-TS2 concluded.
Question: What does TS2 mean then?
AQ DF  Post #: 15
5/15/2010 18:40:46   
Postmaster General
Member

Alright, I'm back for second... Or rather, sixths?

quote:

Not many were familiar with the Derems were, but the townsfolk referred to their house as the “big house on the hill.”


I believe this is a typo, but you appear to have an extra 'were' here. Also, because 'big house on the hill' is a nickname or acts as a name of the house, I believe it should be treated as a proper noun, warranting capitalization.

quote:

Lea Atlantra was a city that housed all kinds of people from the wealthy to the financially-struggling.


Unless I am mistaken, this sentence should have a comma or semicolon following 'people' to punctuate the thought, 'Lea Alantra was a city that housed all kinds of people'

quote:

Man, it’s hard to using simple words all the time.


'it's hard to be using...' or 'it's hard to use...' Because you are using the phrase 'hard to' you need a present tense verb to complete it.

quote:

Trashcans were toppled and turned into fire bins, litters were scattered here and there.


The word 'litter' as used here, refers to any trash in the streets, so there is no need to make it plural. You can simply say, 'litter was scattered here and there.'

quote:

There was a particular building with walls needed to be repainted; true enough, some vandals had decided to give it one.


This sentence, in my opininion, needs a grammatical face lift. 'some vandals had decided to give it one' refers to a paint job as a direct object, however in the former part of the sentence, you do not use a direct object, only state that it needs to be repainted. Here is my advised fix: 'There was a particular building with walls which needed a fresh coat of paint; true enough, some vandals had decided to give it one.'

Here's a start. This installment proved too long for one sitting, so I shall return before long to finish.

As always, it is a pleasure to read and take part in this story! Good work!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 16
5/16/2010 4:00:09   
Crimzon5
Member

Applied all corrections :D
quote:

Alright, I'm back for second... Or rather, sixths?

Sevenths -- you separated chapter 5 into two :P
AQ DF  Post #: 17
5/16/2010 8:27:10   
Postmaster General
Member

Aaah, well may I now have eighths? I'm sure I've got to be making up words now, anyways, I'll just get to the corrections:

quote:

What was left was too hook it to the rear of the motorcycle.


The word 'too' is used to express in addition or in excess, because you are not describing either of those scenarios, it should be 'to'. I realize that this is very likely just a typo, but I feel I should clarify nonetheless.

quote:

Ryan drove back to his village’s direction with more caution this time.


Here, the 'to' should be 'in'. The preposition 'to', when used here, refers to the travelling to a specific destination, and Ryan and Jhenine are not travelling to the direction, because that is not an actual destination.

quote:

He came into eye contact with a woman a few inches short with him, and before he knew it, her arms were wrapped around him.


When describing a difference between to objects or characters, one of the correct prepositions is 'than'. 'with' will not work here, for they are not short together, you are explaining that Ryan is taller than this woman. Also, because you are showing the difference, the suffix of '-er' or '-est' is needed. Here, it should be 'shorter than him,'

quote:

“She can go in, too, right?” With her permission, Ryan led Jhenine to the living room.


The verb 'go' in this context, would be used if Ryan were not entering the house, and was asking if Jhenine could go inside while he did not. Because he was inside, or planning on going inside, the correct verb would be 'come' because it includes himself where 'go' does not.

Also, the comma after 'in' is not necessary, 'too' does not need to be set off or stated as an afterthought. The finished look of this statement would be: 'She can come in too, right?

quote:

The seat without an opposite pair faced the entrance.


'pair' refers to the two as a whole, because you are only speaking about the one chair, 'pair' does not work. Instead, I would recommend something like 'adjacent partner' be used in its stead.

quote:

He felt like a criminal watched discriminately.


At the moment, this sentence makes it sound as if he feels a criminal is watching them. If you are saying that he feels like this criminal, then a slight adjustment must be made: 'He felt like a criminal; watched discriminately.' It needs something to explain that the property of being discriminately watched is what makes him feel like a criminal.

quote:

He had a bit of reason to get angry with her, but he his control of actions yielded his temper.


I believe this is just an editting error.

quote:

“You got to be kidding?! I’ll play along, but this better not get any difficult, okay?”


The phrase 'not get any difficult' is missing a word. I would suggest 'more': 'not get any more difficult'
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 18
5/16/2010 9:56:10   
Crimzon5
Member

Man... I didn't expect that much. But yeah, I count two editing errors ("short with him" <--- That's the other one). And thanks again, thaks for the help on prepositions and punctuation. I often don't accept corrections in terms of character dialogue, but you managed to convince to take one (then again, there really was something wrong with it). But thanks especially for reading.

I've applied corrections. I' aiming for no more than just three corrections in chapter 7 ;) I guess I'll proofread it more and keep it around with me two days after I finish it before posting it here.
AQ DF  Post #: 19
5/18/2010 11:22:17   
Crimzon5
Member

Chapter 7 has begun. The mystery begins
AQ DF  Post #: 20
5/18/2010 12:01:15   
Postmaster General
Member

quote:

It was approximately 4:25 in the afternoon, five hours since they had arrived. Ryan woke up with a blurred vision.


Because you are not speaking of a specific vision, it would just be 'woke up with blurred vision'. Blurred vision in general, not a blurred vision, as if of the future.

quote:

One of them had fallen off.


The common phrase, when speaking about the loss of teeth, is 'fallen out'.

quote:

Rebecca did not comment but helped herself to seat instead.


She must 'help herself to a seat' or 'seat herself' or 'took a seat'

quote:

And I still got one more mail to read.


'mail' does not usually refer to a single specific item. Instead, it should be 'piece of mail'.

quote:

“Why don’t you use your Vision to see for yourself if your suspect is guilty or innocence?”


'innocence' is a noun, the sentence uses 'guilty', an adjective, and needs another adjective. So, it should be 'innocent'. The clause 'for yourself' can be taken out, and the sentence 'Why don't you use your Vision to see if your suspect is guilty or innocent.' still makes sense, this means that 'for yourself' should be set off in commas. Leaving this finished product: 'Why don’t you use your Vision to see, for yourself, if your suspect is guilty or innocent?'

quote:

Even bone in Ryan’s body trembled.


I believe you meant 'Every bone...'

quote:

Someone knew him too much.


Here, 'too much' is used as an adverb. It describes how this someone knew; they knew him too much. However, 'well' would be a more appropriate adverb in this situation.

Indeed, the mystery has begun! A bomb dropped as I read the last line of this chapter.

I am intrigued and enthralled! Keep up the fantastic job!

This installment fell short of your goal of three revisions, but do not worry, the quality of your story is still readily progressing!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 21
5/18/2010 21:58:00   
Crimzon5
Member

Okay, this is 5 more than I wanted. Let's see what I can do to lower the blows xD


quote:

'mail' does not usually refer to a single specific item. Instead, it should be 'piece of mail'.

Left it as is. It's a character dialogue anyway

quote:

'innocence' is a noun, the sentence uses 'guilty', an adjective, and needs another adjective.

Fixed that typo while you were reading it xD
AQ DF  Post #: 22
5/25/2010 0:41:50   
Crimzon5
Member

Chapter 8 up. And it's long! :O
AQ DF  Post #: 23
5/25/2010 15:11:23   
Postmaster General
Member

quote:

After a quick shower – the first step he felt necessary to ready himself for the encounter – Ryan instructed Rebecca to keep an eye on Jhenine, claiming he will take a stroll somewhere.


This 'will' is future tense. The rest of your sentence, and story, is in past tense. Verb-tense agreement is important in keeping continuity in your storyline.

quote:

If [the] majority of the world was in the same state with what was before his eyes, then what he desired was nothing more than an inessential aspiration.


Missing an article.

quote:

A quarter less than an hour had passed by the time he exited the bus.


To express a fraction of an hour, you would say 'a quarter of an hour' or 'an hour and a half', but not this wordy description of 45 minutes. To express 'a quarter less than an hour', I would say 'fourty-five minutes' or 'about an hour'.

quote:

The fleet of starts was yet to arrive; the pale moon was the sun’s last vestige, a sign that it had not forsaken them.


This is a very romantic description of the night. Very nicely executed, bravo!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 24
5/25/2010 19:17:53   
Angel of Grief
Member

Well in the first chapter, I've always heard the word 'brunete' spelled Brunette (and my Firefox spellchecker agrees with me) but it might be a regional thing.

Anyways.
I love this story, and i am soooo reading this. <3

E: Chapter titled 'Greeting the guests'

"Anything within my plain of existence that is also within a certain"

Should be plane.
:P
*goes back to reading*

< Message edited by Angel of Grief -- 5/25/2010 19:29:32 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 25
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