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Realm of shadow

 
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8/1/2010 17:21:29   
super dude
Member

The Story.

This story is told by a narrator..

Not a lot happens in this chapter, mostly because it is an introduction, please note the main character has yet to be introduced..e

< Message edited by super dude -- 8/1/2010 18:17:31 >
Post #: 1
8/1/2010 20:42:29   
deathwalker05
Member

quote:

A mountain as high as the sky, with a terrible mist surrounding it, had but a single thing on it, a large castle, the largest thing in this realm, and inside held the lord of the realm The Shadow Lord, some called him, he called himself something different, but it made little sense to refer to himself as such, after all, he truly was the Shadow Lord, why hide it?


First sentence is a run on. Period after "lord of the realm" maybe?

quote:

ragon and human knight, of course, knight was the wrong way of describing them..


do "of course, THOUGH knight" maybe?

quote:

hadow Lord, Enchanted by magic to serve his every command, they were made into slaves, gua


lower case enchanted, change comma after command to period i would do.

quote:

d make it up to the castle, no-one could climb the mountain, that was impossible


period after mountain

quote:

with scales on their arms and legs, their helmet had a horn on its head, shaped like a crescent moon, their eyes were as black as their armour, and completely void of emot


id change comma after arms and legs to period. helmet should be plural, or change their to the or something like that. the eye part doesn't flow well in my opinion.

quote:

Our story starts a few years previous in the year 1405, Aragorth, arch-mage of the temple of Mages was asleep one night, where he awoke to a terrible nightmare, however this was no ordinary nightmare, and he knew it, this nightmare was in fact a prophecy.


Run on. Needs rewording.

quote:

The arch-mages of England, where this story starts, are blessed...


Reword, sounds like your calling the people a place.

quote:

and cursed with visions of the past and future, blessed in the knowledge of the past, but cursed with the future, they see only what the gods will them too, but they are blessed with extraordinary magical abilities, the likes of which no other could posses. Unfortunately, they are forbidden by the gods to use this power for themselves, and must only use it in times of emergency, for if they used it for greed or evil, then the whole world would be cast into hell.


Period after past and future. period after gods will them to. Reword next sentence. Period after emergency.

quote:

Aragorth knew at once what he must do,


Period, not comma.

quote:

Otherwise known as Stonehenge, that was the true temple of the Gods,


Period.

quote:

After a long journey, Aragorth finally arrived at Stonehenge,


period.

quote:

it was.. Uneventful to say the least, if you


comma to period.

quote:

“A knight of valour and glory, young at heart and body, shall vanquish an evil of uncomprehending strength, a blade of shadow shall be his guide, but his curse too shall it hence be known, his enemy dark in the sky, a dragon he must ride to find his foe, tough be his journey, but his prize be glory, so let it henceforth be known, thou who shall die, for the light to vanquish dark”


Run on.

quote:

directly it was as clear as day, a knight.. A young knight will


dont need a knight or ...

quote:

to save the world from darkness, but who would this knight be? He wondered... He looked up


put the thought italicized or quotes, get rid of ...

Also, if you can don't use the ...'s as much, the more you use them the less effective they become. Great story though, look forward to it continuing.



< Message edited by deathwalker05 -- 8/2/2010 0:24:50 >
AQ  Post #: 2
8/2/2010 16:05:45   
super dude
Member

I have made quite a few edits based on what you have said, thanks for your feedback :)

I suppose my double and triple checks weren't.. checky enough =P

Later chapters shall come soon, slightly pressed for time at the moment :)

< Message edited by super dude -- 8/2/2010 16:06:29 >
Post #: 3
8/8/2010 20:10:46   
super dude
Member

The second chapter is up


This is mostly an introduction to the main character - Hector, as well as the beginning to the chaos.
Post #: 4
8/10/2010 23:29:34   
deathwalker05
Member

quote:

These words were swimming around the head of a knight, they were drummed into them at an early age.


May be just me, but it sounds slightly akward. Maybe rewording a bit, though i can not think of how to make it sound better myself. Not the best writer.

quote:

were just kids and are trained to become strong


conflict of tense. Change were to are should do it.

quote:

pitted against each other In an attempt


Lower case in

quote:

able to fend off all life throws at them, true they are brought up cruelly with


Make two sentences.

quote:

However the odd few knights learn faster then the rest, and grow to be stronger.


I'd say grow to be strong instead of stronger, all can become stronger, but strong sounds more like the top level, the best of the best.

quote:

the rest, in the same way, but this boy learnt fast.


learned

quote:

His strength increased rapidly, his skills in knighthood were outstanding, but above all, he was courageous.


And after rapidly

quote:

Despite a tough upbringing, without parents and a home, he was surprisingly courageous.


I'd omit this, sounds repetitive.

quote:

the 7 years he was training for he became a force


remove the for

quote:

Hector left his room straight into the training grounds, he saw hundreds of knights training with each other. They were using practice wooden swords.


period after training grounds, combine he saw hundreds....swords to he saw hundreds of knights training with each other using wooden practice swords.

quote:

Most of the knights fought bravely against the beasts, however their were too many.


There not their

I know i've said use ...'s less, but at the end of this chapter i would use it. I'm not too good with dialogue, so tried not to make any comments on those. Good so far, look forward to more =)
AQ  Post #: 5
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