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RE: (HS) Trials of Morality Discussion

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8/20/2011 12:17:58   
Vector
Member
 

 heh heh ^^; that seems to be my achilles heel at the moment... then again, i am a rookie. i'll look into it; anything in particular that absolutely needs fixing or should i just figure things out on my own?
Post #: 26
8/20/2011 12:24:43   
Crystal Lion
Member
 

 Last half of Chapter 2 and most of Chapter 3, actually.
Post #: 27
8/20/2011 12:40:26   
Vector
Member
 

 ...ouch. now i see. i didn't want to feel mundane with 'he said this' and 'she said that' all the time, though, but it looks like it beats confusion. :/
Post #: 28
8/20/2011 13:25:08   
Goldstein
Member

Actually, most writers advise you use JUST said. THe reader should be able to tell if the character is yelling or growling or stuff like that from the dialogue. Also, all of the time, you don't need to have a modifier like said. Here's a link on the matter.
Post #: 29
8/20/2011 13:34:31   
Vector
Member
 

 so lemme guess, excessive alternatives is a rookie boo-boo? mein gott, i've much to learn.
Post #: 30
8/20/2011 18:32:37   
delta blitz
Member

One word for this story so far: Epic x)
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 31
8/21/2011 21:13:06   
Goldstein
Member

I sense Strebor making an appearance soon. Yay!
Post #: 32
8/24/2011 5:18:51   
fygi
Member

Great story, it is a pleasure to read! You have a very light hearted and to-the-point way of writing. Its like a mix between an action-filled bedtime story and a comic book (which is what HS really comes down to).

However your dialogues fall a bit short, they seem to drone on a bit. Try and find some different techniques to give the readers the information of the dialogues.

- Fygi
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 33
8/24/2011 18:46:23   
Vector
Member
 

 ...are they too boring, then? is that what youre saying?

wait a minute, maybe... ah, phooey! i don't know, i'll think of something i hope.

< Message edited by Vector -- 8/25/2011 10:28:42 >
Post #: 34
9/3/2011 12:18:37   
Shadowlord9k
Member

Interesting new chapter, can't wait to see more.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 35
9/4/2011 10:02:33   
Crystal Lion
Member
 

 Demo's so happy about the cyborg helping her.
Post #: 36
9/4/2011 11:42:26   
Vector
Member
 

 well, she's getting a little desperate, so she has to take all the help she can get. ^^;
Post #: 37
9/4/2011 22:36:00   
Crystal Lion
Member
 

 Can't blame her reaction after all.
Post #: 38
9/6/2011 0:05:28   
Vector
Member
 

 ok goldstein. i looked at strebor's bio (for who knows how many times now) and it almost seems like he didn't exactly fair too much better money-wise than Demo before he moved to the US.

anywho, i was thinking of Demo's dad being a friend of strebor so she would, at least, know about the doctor because of it.
i just don't want to upset anyone who volunteers (or lets me use) their character for my story. that's why i'm asking <:/
Post #: 39
9/6/2011 0:56:47   
Sir Night
Member

I don't know if he would fit in this story or not, but you can use Swamp Croc if you like.
Post #: 40
9/6/2011 7:21:57   
Goldstein
Member

Well, Strebor's father was a KGB operative working for the Soviet Union...uh...maybe it'd be easier if Demo knew Strebor's mom, a British farm-girl?
Post #: 41
9/6/2011 9:41:40   
Vector
Member
 

 yeah, i was thinking the same thing. i realized that just minutes after i posted. silly me! ^^;
Post #: 42
9/6/2011 22:49:43   
Crystal Lion
Member
 

 A personal suggestion, but you don't have to take it if you have another idea. I think that Demolicious is part-Japanese. You're welcome to ask me why I think that.
Post #: 43
9/6/2011 23:04:51   
Vector
Member
 

 ... ok, i'll bite. why could she be part japanese?
Post #: 44
9/6/2011 23:17:12   
Crystal Lion
Member
 

 I thought her ingame sprite resembled a Japanese person, very pale skin, for one. Funny looking eyebrows to boot.

As for the justification in my story, her ancestors were Japanese immigrants to the States. Although you're completely welcome to make up your own idea.
Post #: 45
9/6/2011 23:43:47   
Vector
Member
 

 our stories are called 'fanfiction' for a reason, crystal lion

That gave me something to think about, but i have to say there might be some... unexpected events later in my story.

EDIT: i guess i can be nice and give you a sneak peek of one thing...

spoiler:

the cyborg will end up being forced to make a hard choice sometime in the future.


I'm not saying when it'll happen, or what it deals with, but it will be very important.

< Message edited by Vector -- 9/7/2011 0:29:33 >
Post #: 46
9/6/2011 23:44:28   
Crystal Lion
Member
 

 I'm looking forward to them.
Post #: 47
9/7/2011 23:25:15   
Vector
Member
 

 ok goldstein, i have strebor show up in the next chapter, but...
I made it so he wasn't exactly as 'crazy' as he might have been in your story. simply, our two stories would be completely unrelated.
please don't give me one of his syringes. i dont want to die! DX ..... err, never mind. i still hope that's ok with you.

(edit: chapter isn't posted yet, so this is more of a progress update for my next chapter)

< Message edited by Vector -- 9/7/2011 23:37:46 >
Post #: 48
9/8/2011 16:48:04   
Goldstein
Member

A lot of people read that Strebor is "crazy" and automatically think of axe-crazy. Strebor's got a serious medical condition that keeps under control through the use of medicine. Usually, eh's just as much sane as you and me. He just acts all factitious and cheery and stuff to hide hi real feelings.
Post #: 49
9/8/2011 17:12:40   
Vector
Member
 

 i never thought him as axe-crazy... more like a little kid on a sugar rush type crazy, or maybe just hyperactive like mordin solus


(EDIT: another progress update. still didn't post chappy yet, but it's turning out to be one of the longest i've ever made so far)

< Message edited by Vector -- 9/8/2011 20:31:54 >
Post #: 50
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