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[AQ/DF] The Coldness of War Discussion

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12/3/2012 18:50:43   
Jexorin Rast
Member

I've started a fanfiction in AE Crossovers. It's about the Great Ice War. I made it up. It's like the Great Fire War, but the bad guys are ice.

Lord Arrgthas makes his debut as a warlord during Frostval.

This is the discussion thread for it. I accept all criticism, suggestions, and corrections.

Here it is.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 1
12/4/2012 10:56:14   
Legendium
Member

quote:

towns people


Townspeople. It's one word, not two, unless you add an apostrophe in between town and s.

quote:

But, it icy blue.


But, it was icy blue.


Huh? This Lord Arrgthas character seems to have come out of the blue.

quote:

Cryonomicon(eggnoginomicon)


Just as a writing style suggestion, I'd leave out the "(eggnoginomicon)". But, your style, you're choice.


All in all, I'd say this.

It all seems a bit fast for the first chapter. Normally one meets the antagonist in the second or third chapter, or if the first chapter is very long, occasionally in chapter one.


I just think we missed a beat in the story. Other than that, the story has potential. There's usually plenty to write about wars, so you should bee able to make a nice long story.

I look forward to the next chapter.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 2
12/4/2012 13:17:36   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Link Junior1: The villain certainly overpowered the defenders early on in the story. Is this story playing post-Devourer Saga?

@Legendium: Lord Arrgthas is a random encounter in AQ.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 3
12/4/2012 13:35:04   
Legendium
Member

@Dwelling

Oh. That'd make sense.
If he's a random, it makes even more sense.
*tells self to play more AQ*
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 4
12/4/2012 17:33:21   
Jexorin Rast
Member

@ Legend

You know how in Dragon Fable, there's the eggnoginomicon? Well, I changed it to Cryonomicon and put the parentheses around eggnoginomicon to show that they are the same thing, just different names.

And this first chapter is the prologue, not the actual first chapter.

He's overpowered, because he has the three most powerful ice items in Lore. Don't worry, the fire army will acquire three powerful fire items.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 5
12/4/2012 23:26:16   
Glais
Member

quote:

It all seems a bit fast for the first chapter.

This. The atmosphere didn't really have time to settle in and it made it feel a bit less serious than it was likely intended to be.
DF MQ  Post #: 6
12/4/2012 23:40:07   
Jexorin Rast
Member

Chapter one is up.

And Glaisaurus. That happens sometimes. I try not to, though. I'm just not that good with writing beginnings of stories

< Message edited by Link Junior1 -- 12/4/2012 23:42:08 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 7
12/5/2012 7:20:20   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @Link Junior1: Could you please tell me the time when this story is happening?

On chapter 1.

The Nameless King and his servants are bound to the tree forever as spirits. Furthermore, from what I understand the King seeks not servants but a successor. I feel like you should explain a bit just why he chose Tora Rast to serve him.

quote:

I just don't want to have to describe how they look or their personalities.

Again, even if I am to read these character bios, I still am left to guess just why he serves the Nameless King. Other than that, writing a story is pretty much describing their personality and/or looks.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 8
12/5/2012 9:02:38   
Jexorin Rast
Member

Well, the time would be this year during Frostval.

And about serving the king... well I don't know. I would say that the king in my story is just different from the one in AQ. I could put a backstory for how Tora and Tim became knights under the Nameless King, if you want me to to straighten out some things.

And I guess I can describe how they look and act in the story as well.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 9
12/7/2012 19:19:50   
Jexorin Rast
Member

Chapter two is up
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 10
12/8/2012 6:08:41   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

He really noticed and was interested in the strange, orange-glowing marks of her right bicep.

He noticed and was really interested

quote:

He finally pulled it out of her arms and was able to examine it in the fire light.

fire's

quote:

They started their walk to Swordhaven with an unknown follower hiding within the trees and bushes.

within the forest/behind the (frozen) trees and bushes.

Is this the Pyronomicon 1.0 (Xan) or the Pyronomicon 2.0 (Pyromancer class) we are talking about here?

The question why I asked about the time is because the Eggnonomicon (1.0) was melted many years ago (DF Frostval Chapter 2), thus no longer exists.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 11
12/8/2012 7:51:22   
Legendium
Member

quote:

they started cooking a fire


o_O How can you cook a fire?

Anyways, interesting enough, and a bit of a pity that Tim left.
I hope he has good reason. Do my RP character justice.
DF MQ Epic  Post #: 12
12/8/2012 17:06:35   
Jexorin Rast
Member

@ Dragonlord It is Xan's Pyronomicon. But now its Akara's Pyronomicon. The most powerful of the Pyronomicons. And about the Eggnoginomicon, later on in the story, Tora is going to notice that and question it like you did. The explanation is that the one that was melted was a lesser version of the original one. And so the one Lord Arrgthas has is the original, more powerful one.

@Legend Don't worry, Tim is only temporarily gone. He'll show up again when Tora and Akara reach Swordhaven.

I have fixed the grammatical errors.

< Message edited by Link Junior1 -- 12/8/2012 17:11:19 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 13
12/9/2012 19:17:59   
Jexorin Rast
Member

Chapter three is up. A short chapter, but it's a little informative.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 14
12/10/2012 7:25:02   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Nice story, can't wait for the next update.


Please read my story
(AQW/OS) Dage Vs. Nulgath: A New Beginning
Discussion thread
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 15
12/10/2012 18:42:06   
Jexorin Rast
Member

Chapter four is up...
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 16
12/30/2012 19:54:52   
Jexorin Rast
Member

Chapter five is finally up. Sorry it took so long. I was distracted by video games.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 17
12/31/2012 8:01:45   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

He easily took them out with no more than one strike each.

So he kills off his possible allies?

quote:

One of my spies have told me that one of your ice elves has the Pyronomicon.

has

quote:

And maybe Rast while your at it as well.

you're/you are

I am puzzled as to why the Ice Elves would still follow Aisha.

quote:

It is a straight-edge, long, broadsword with faintly glowing runes on the sides of the blades that only he could read.

was
quote:

It faded away except for the ice that was on it which fell to the ground.

Except for some icicles on the floor which had covered it, it completely faded away from existence/the world of the living.

quote:

Tora wears a white, long-sleeve long-coat with a flipped up collar and red lining.

wore

quote:

"Your hurt!"

You're/You are

quote:

They had traveled two more days by foot after the frost wraith incident. They were exhausted. Tora banged on the large doors with the butt of his sword's handle.

quote:

The large doors slowly swung inward.

Swordhaven has got a moat in front of its walls and drawbridges to get inside.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 18
12/31/2012 12:06:48   
Jexorin Rast
Member

I always miss the "yours/you'res" for some reason.

I'll make the changes to the mistakes.

And about using "is" and "wears", I make it that as the story is being told, the characters and objects are still around and living and are the same as before. Like, if this story is being told by a storyteller, they're saying the person is still alive and wearing what they wear in the story; or the weapons are still in existence and being wielded.

Oh yeah, and Lord Arrgthas does whatever he wants, his allies are just going to have to deal with it.

I've fixed the mistakes.

And about the ice elves still following Aisha: Some ice elves stayed loyal to her even after her defeat.

< Message edited by Jexorin Rast -- 12/31/2012 12:15:49 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 19
1/2/2013 6:31:16   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

And about using "is" and "wears", I make it that as the story is being told, the characters and objects are still around and living and are the same as before. Like, if this story is being told by a storyteller, they're saying the person is still alive and wearing what they wear in the story; or the weapons are still in existence and being wielded.

The problem with this is that you can only describe the situation as it is at that point. When your character attends a party, he may wear other garments than usual. The same can be said about a weapon, what if the villains decide to steal or destroy it?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 20
1/2/2013 17:30:59   
Jexorin Rast
Member

Good point. I'll change that.

And about the time it is in the story. I've decided that it's actually years later from now.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 21
1/2/2013 18:37:17   
Jexorin Rast
Member

Chapter six is up...
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 22
1/7/2013 22:08:36   
Jexorin Rast
Member

Chapter seven is up...
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 23
1/8/2013 4:20:30   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

"That's right. I heard of his death years ago. A great hero he was."

"Yeah, I've heard stories. Like his defeating of Sepulcher."

Sepulchure

Is this an example of "history is written by the victors"?

quote:

It was of Sepulcher the DoomKnight laying on the ground. The other was standing over him with a sword pointed at Sepulcher's throat.

Sepulchure, lying, Sepulchure
quote:

"Ah yes," Queen Brittany said, remembering, "The Kathedral Blade was the only blade that could vanquish Sepulcher. Other than his own sword."

Sepulchure

From what I recall, even the Necrotic Blade of Doom couldn't do that.

quote:

"I teleported it to a random location on Lore. It's far too powerful to be destroyed. Apparently I teleported it to the cave this beautiful ice elf found it in."

First of all I wouldn't know if Warlic would compliment a woman on her good looks, especially with his feelings for Jaania and secondly I find that highly irresponsible of him to just teleport an incredibly powerful artefact to a random place and leave it to fate whether someone good or evil comes across it.

I will refrain from commenting on Chapter 7 until I know more of the situation save for this.

quote:

"Yes. But he had a change of heart when he had to fight alongside Jexorin to defeat me."

So Jaania is freed from her prison in your story? Where does that leave the Rose?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 24
1/8/2013 17:31:19   
Jexorin Rast
Member

Some of the stuff in my story from the games, I change a bit.

And again, this story takes place years later from the current hero. Now there's a new main hero.

I've fixed Sepulchure's name and the other grammatical errors.

< Message edited by Jexorin Rast -- 1/8/2013 17:34:45 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 25
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