Firefly
Lore-ian
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Bah, don't get your hopes up. Was just asking. Anyways, if you wanna continue it, best put it up since /some/ people would want to read. For "Catch Me" quote:
Falling faster then the eye Falling deeper then the ocean Longer then the bright blue sky All should be "than" Anyways, "falling faster than the eye?" You make no sense. Eyes don't fall. If you wanna wreck up the flow a bit, I've got a suggestion. "Falling faster than what's discernable to the eye" But that's way too long... Hmm, perhaps change this entirely? "Falling faster than the crashing tides"? That still keeps the rhyme. Or go for your own thing. Anyways, eyes don't fall. quote:
And my heart is gonna pop I have a strong dislike for this line. Seems a bit rough and informal. Like a really bad random line out of a forced modern lyric. (Think any of the pop people). I think the word "pop" is what did it. It's too shallow. Perhaps: "And my heart/soul/whatever is gonna drop"? quote:
Catch me! For I cannot But when I turn around to see The love that used to hold me tight Has fallen deep into the sea Transitional words here make little sense. You cannot what? You're saying "I cannot" and saying "but" so I thought you'd say something to be opposite of "cannot" Instead, you go on elaborating the "cannot." Also "to see" hinted there's something afterwards, but the stanza stopped before I could see what the afterwards was. I suggest something to this extent: Catch me! For I cannot <insert any verb here, or "catch myself" or something> 'cause when I turn around and see The love that used to hold me tight Has fallen deep into the sea quote:
For even though I whisper "Catch me!" Comma after "whisper." ENG101 stuff, Jer. =P quote:
It is you who needs me near. I have absolutely no ways to fix this, but it is a little sudden. You're suddenly doing a 360 degree turn of "I need you" to "you need me" without transition or any hints in the above stanzas. Again, no way to fix, just watch out for it in later poetry. Hmm, the flow for this poem was good and I liked the emotion/concept. Some transition and logic problems here and there did deter the enjoyment a bit once I looked deeper into it. For "Never Say Die" quote:
My poor heart is breaking- I have a strong distaste for this word here. It sounds way too whiny. And one of the worst things a poet can do is sound whiny... Use another word, like "torn" quote:
The world once so bright, I'd put a comma after "world" both for grammar and because it reads better that way. Pause seems to flow better. quote:
What right have I to die? I don't like the inverted order here. It killed off the flow and is especially not recommended in song lyrics. Works nice once in a while, but it didn't here. Just say "What right do I have to die?" This is possibly the best thing you've written here, imo. It's good in it's simplicity and language. The "never say die" parts were what made it awesome. The other parts were weaker by comparison, but that's understandable. Like MM said to me, if you start on top of Everest, there's bound to be down parts. =P For "Free" quote:
In the blanket of dark night. Now, because of the kind of writer I am, I'd prefer it if you say something other than a generic dark. (eg: ebony, charred, obsidian, onyx, whatever.) I don't have much else to say about this one. It's good, not a lot to pick at. The repeating parts were powerful. Could've worked harder at solid, concrete imagery. Keep that in mind next time. For "Prove to Me" quote:
Prove that you’re human. This kinda halted my reading. Flows better as "you are" imo. quote:
Please? May I be so bold as to suggest that you actually omit this line altogether? Sounds more powerful, less whiny without it. I liked the concept of the poem. Lots of L&L folks tell me I overwork myself on critiques like these. =P The beginning was extremely good, definitely caught my attention. However, it did go a bit downhill from there. Perhaps it was the minimal whinyness that got to me. The narrative voice seemed weakened by the end. For "Dreams with Wings" quote:
Lost amist the rocky tors "amidst" What the heck is a "tor" Word agrees with me that it isn't a word... quote:
It seems to close and yet so far. Meant either "too" or "so" quote:
My heart is burning, yet no cry. I'm a bit confused about whether this is the tears-cry or the scream-cry. The former makes more sense, but the structure encourages the latter. And it sounds like it's referring to the heart, not you. Hmm: "My heart is burning, but I don't cry." or something. Clyde really has a way with last lines... This was /almost/ as good as my collab with him. =P Anyways, good imagery, good job. Maybe a bit more sense might do wonders, but otherwise amazing. =P I am quite sure I already critiqued Day by Day pretty deeply. *stretches* Now here's your longed-for critique. Now you owe me and I still own your soul. =P Anyways, no need to wait for old critiques to release new poems. I release them anytime I write them.
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