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Author's Fantasy [Comments]

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6/26/2008 17:40:19   
_Depression
Member




Ahh, Author's Fantasy. Such a fitting title. Haven't you, at one point or another, thought, 'Gee, it would be just dandy if I could meet so-and-so from my story?'
Well, this story takes that idea and brings it to a whole new level. An author who finds out that his story, his characters, are all real. The girl of his dreams is as human as he is, and everything he'd imagined is real.

The problem is, with all of these good things happening, there has to be something bad, right?

Enjoy, and don't forget to comment!


Part II, Fantasy Shattered, begins approximately 33 days after Part I ended. It begins with a simple journey entry from our protagonist, Ryan Aberythstye, and brings the story to a whole new place - literally. Author's Fantasy picks up 'across the pond,' visiting a great array of breathtaking vistas and popular tourist attractions.

With all of the foreign words and locales, I'll be sure to keep a running pronunciation guide!

< Message edited by _Depression -- 9/27/2008 22:41:53 >
AQ  Post #: 1
6/26/2008 17:49:56   
mastin2
Member

Well, your WA work got me addicted to your writing, so I guess I'll read! :)

-M
Post #: 2
6/26/2008 23:38:39   
_Depression
Member

Yay! I'm going to see how many chapters I can put up tomorrow, so don't be surprised if you come back to see Chapter 18 already online. =)
AQ  Post #: 3
6/26/2008 23:41:31   
mastin2
Member

...I hope I get on WHILE you're uploading them. I did finish it and I enjoyed, so I will ready 'em when you upload 'em! :)
Post #: 4
6/27/2008 0:30:09   
mastin2
Member

I'm rapid enough to see you post the new chapters! Now, to comment on them...

quote:

You write poetry, that counts," Ryan inserted
Yea, that's from the chapter before, but I forgot to mention it. I'd change the first comma to a semicolon.

quote:

and in his good mood Ryan dropped the twenty dollar bill Greg had
I'd place a comma after 'mood'.

quote:

from cracks in the sidewalk, it all gained a new sense of being for
I'd make the comma a semicolon.

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 0:32:03 >
Post #: 5
6/27/2008 0:37:34   
_Depression
Member

You are good. Well, I'll keep updating as long as I'm on. Might even get up to the recent chapters. =)

As for your comments, I'm not so sure about this one:

quote:

quote:



and in his good mood Ryan dropped the twenty dollar bill Greg had


I'd place a comma after 'mood'.


I think that kinda makes the sentence choppy. I'll take another look at it, though. =)

Edit: Uploaded through Chapter 10 so far. =)

Edit 2: Done for tonight, having uploaded through 13_2. =/

< Message edited by _Depression -- 6/27/2008 1:08:49 >
AQ  Post #: 6
6/27/2008 1:19:27   
mastin2
Member

I'll continue posting any mistakes I find here!

(Oh, and change what you like...my opinions are FAR from perfect and are just that--opinions.)

quote:

At the same time he saw his binder sitting in the corner of the
I'd put a comma after 'time'.

quote:

I swear I will find you
Quite personally, I believe it would be a little more epic if there was a pause (comma) after 'swear'.

quote:

Tentatively he reached up, and to his relief the ceiling was high enough
I'd probably put a comma after 'Tentatively', and I would put one after 'relief'.

quote:

and after his eyes adjusted Ryan surveyed his small
I'd put a comma after 'adjusted'.

quote:

a mix of desperation and anger he kicked the door a second
I'd put a comma after 'anger'.



< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 1:32:43 >
Post #: 7
6/27/2008 1:31:25   
_Depression
Member

Yay for epicness!

I'll probably get 14 up before I head to bed... maybe 15 if I have the time...

Edit: Yup, both up. Working on Chapter 4 of Angel: the Beautiful Outcast now...

< Message edited by _Depression -- 6/27/2008 1:41:05 >
AQ  Post #: 8
6/27/2008 1:45:24   
mastin2
Member

Take your time! I've got plenty to do. I'm nearly done with 7. The number of things I'd call errors is decreasing...

quote:

unable to keep eye contact Ryan faced Breeze instead. He
I'd put a comma after 'contact'.

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 1:53:07 >
Post #: 9
6/27/2008 1:47:52   
_Depression
Member

That's cuz the number of things I call "Experience Points" is increasing. I leveled up after Chapter 8. And ate like, thirty Rare Candies after Chapter 12.

=)

And just for that, I might put up 16, too. lol
AQ  Post #: 10
6/27/2008 2:01:29   
mastin2
Member

quote:

be back in a moment, don't go anywhere
Personally, this seems like it should be a semicolon.

(And I have been laughing out loud for the last chapter and a half!)


All of chapter ten--Shouldn't it be in italics? (I'm not going to quote the whole thing!)

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 2:11:50 >
Post #: 11
6/27/2008 2:08:37   
_Depression
Member

... you were laughing when Ewan was lying on the ground, covered in blood? o___O

Edit:
About Ch. 10 - Not if it's all first-person... that would just be a tad weird... (I don't like italics anyway, except for emphasis)

< Message edited by _Depression -- 6/27/2008 2:13:51 >
AQ  Post #: 12
6/27/2008 2:17:03   
mastin2
Member

(Maybe not right THERE...just a few lines below...maybe a bit)

quote:

A moment later Ryan noticed the girl's hands glowing dimly, and in another moment a small ball of golden light
I'd put a comma after 'later' and the second 'moment'.

quote:

Don't worry, you'll get it within a
I'd make that comma a semicolon.

quote:

mention that Well, you want to basically feel
Didn't quite get what you were saying here...

quote:

shown him, and surprisingly soon felt the strange pulsing
I'd put a comma after 'soon'.

quote:

strand going, now make it
I would probably make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

you that long I would've had to wonder
I'd put a comma after 'long'. (Made me laugh...again.)

quote:

Come on, it's almost dinner time. If we're lucky, we may
I'd probably make the fist comma either a semicolon or colon.

quote:

it in three days, I thought you were
I'd make that comma a semicolon.

quote:

was about to sit two of the waiters came rushing
I'd put a comma after 'sit'.

quote:

through the front door, I am sure of it." The
I'd make the comma a semicolon.

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 2:35:13 >
Post #: 13
6/27/2008 2:28:19   
_Depression
Member

yay for comedy. =)

In that third thing, I forgot a period after "that". Aria was saying, "Oh, I guess I forgot to describe how to make the magic visible. Well, here's how ya do it..."

Edit: Oi, either I'm not using enough commas, or you're comma happy... >.>

< Message edited by _Depression -- 6/27/2008 2:31:53 >
AQ  Post #: 14
6/27/2008 2:36:59   
mastin2
Member

Every author here has their own tastes for commas and tries to bend other authors here to their style. Like I said, these are just my opinion (most of the time), so only you can decided what to change and what to keep as it is.

quote:

Ohh, I see
One too many "h"'s in 'Oh'...

quote:

Quiet now, they're near
1: I might add a comma after 'Quiet', but only to slow things down a little there. 2: The comma there could be other things '...', semicolon, or colon. I'd change it to one of those.

quote:

forget it, I don't feel like explaining
I'd make that comma a semicolon.



< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 2:42:53 >
Post #: 15
6/27/2008 2:41:12   
_Depression
Member

I like using a second "h" if the interjection is more dragged out. Just my personal taste...

Edit: Semicolons are used to represent [, and]... from what I've been taught. So some of your "switch to semicolon" things feel kinda weird to me. Maybe I'm wrong, dunno...

< Message edited by _Depression -- 6/27/2008 2:45:11 >
AQ  Post #: 16
6/27/2008 2:45:51   
mastin2
Member

Ah, I see. (The normal way is usually to put multiple 'o's.)

quote:

impossible, he's never shown any magic talent
I'd make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

Every day we would meet at the fountain in the middle of town, walk along the cobblestones of Main Street. I can't


1: You may wish to put a comma after 'day', but I admit it: I probably wouldn't 'cause it could wreck the flow.

2: 'walk' should be 'walking'.



< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 2:50:43 >
Post #: 17
6/27/2008 2:49:57   
_Depression
Member

Ahh... you made it there... did you get the obscure Harry Potter reference from Sarah?
AQ  Post #: 18
6/27/2008 2:52:03   
mastin2
Member

Yup. Instantly. Made me laugh pretty loud.

quote:

time I turned thirteen we were. We would
I'd put a comma after 'thirteen'.

quote:

and just as we start walking Andy would ask if I wanted to play a
Hmm...that sounds like a poorly worded area. Did you mean

"and just as we would start walking, Andy would ask if I wanted to play a"

(Bolded parts are the modifications.)

quote:

town was destroyed, the inhabitants are all
I'd make the comma a semicolon.



< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 3:02:39 >
Post #: 19
6/27/2008 2:54:27   
_Depression
Member

Chapter 13_1 is too good for error. >.>
AQ  Post #: 20
6/27/2008 3:04:10   
mastin2
Member

quote:

when me and my scouts reported the field clear, and
'me and my scouts'? SHAME ON YOU!

"when my scouts and I reported the field clear"

quote:

From the fountain we separated into our five
I'd place a comma after 'fountain'.

quote:

the lives that in evil's hands lay
I'd put a comma after 'that' and 'hands'.



< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 3:08:29 >
Post #: 21
6/27/2008 3:06:31   
_Depression
Member

=P Call that "exhaustion-at-two-in-the-morning-when-I-normally-get-around-to-writing"

lol

And at least it's not a comma/semicolon/punctuation thing. =)
AQ  Post #: 22
6/27/2008 3:10:15   
mastin2
Member

Yup. Never seen someone look so happy at an error! =P

quote:

After a moment they left me standing
I'd put a comma after 'moment'.

quote:

saw their faces, knew they were marking me as a
Either make the comma a semicolon, or change 'knew' to 'knowing'.

quote:

if she is still alive I will find her, or if not me then my son. And
I'd put a comma after 'alive' and 'me'. Also...'then'? Shame. I suppose you can blame it on 'after-midnight typing', but it should be 'than'.


psst, (whisper, whisper)
spoiler:

The part about Inyro being that werewolf's son was REALLY, REALLY predictable. I was expecting it since nearly the beginning of the chapter, by the way.




< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 3:17:00 >
Post #: 23
6/27/2008 3:15:54   
_Depression
Member

>.> I blame "then" on faulty proofreading, lol.

Edit: (about spoiler whisper whisper): Yeah, I know. Not one of my smarter lead-ins. But hey, I think a lot of people expected it from the beginning of Chapter 14... maybe even the end of 13_2.

< Message edited by _Depression -- 6/27/2008 3:18:58 >
AQ  Post #: 24
6/27/2008 3:20:30   
mastin2
Member

:D

Anyway, you'll be 'happy' to know I found another, non-punctuation error! :)

quote:

But on to why I am trying to write this
'on to', in this case, I do believe, is supposed to be one word: 'onto'. Again, don't take my word for it...I often find myself being proven wrong.

quote:

amazed disbelief I neglected to ask who
Add 'that' before 'I'. The alternative would be to add another comma, and I don't recommend it...



< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/27/2008 3:23:53 >
Post #: 25
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