Madness...and Poetry ~ Comments ~ Night Found Poem


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7/15/2008 18:07:17

jerenda
Member

My ramblings. Enjoy. C&C appreciated.

Other Tales of the Aeons
Heaven's Wrath / Comments
Into the Night / Comments
In Defiance / Comments (TBA)

< Message edited by jerenda -- 3/24/2009 19:06:42 >

Post #: 1

7/15/2008 18:08:21

Firefly
Lore-ian

"Petry" Nice...

Any new poems?

EDIT: Claimed for... typos. =P Just to annoy Jer.

< Message edited by Firefly -- 7/15/2008 18:09:02 >

Post #: 2

7/15/2008 18:11:44

jerenda
Member

*grin* Thanks. Fixed.

No.. I don't even have all the old ones up yet. However, I never got comments on the poems from The Phoenix to Dreams with Wings... I know you read them, but you were too distracted to comment. I'll have them up in a few minutes, you can reread them if you want. ^_^

_____________________________

EC! EC! EC~

Post #: 3

7/15/2008 18:15:26

Firefly
Lore-ian

I did so comment! I just didn't write the most helpful things.

Btw, you putting In Defiance back up anytime soon?

I read the collab between you and Clyde from his thread, but I've forgotten too much to say anything...

Post #: 4

7/15/2008 18:44:06

jerenda
Member

Which is how I know you read them. ^_^

Um.. maybe, if someone is interested in reading it. Does that question mean you were actually mildly interested in that horrible story? So many flaws... *holds head*

So go reread it! I finished putting them all up, BTW.

Post #: 5

7/15/2008 19:25:42

Firefly
Lore-ian

Bah, don't get your hopes up. Was just asking. Anyways, if you wanna continue it, best put it up since /some/ people would want to read.

For "Catch Me"

quote:

Falling faster then the eye
Falling deeper then the ocean
Longer then the bright blue sky

All should be "than"
Anyways, "falling faster than the eye?" You make no sense. Eyes don't fall. If you wanna wreck up the flow a bit, I've got a suggestion. "Falling faster than what's discernable to the eye" But that's way too long... Hmm, perhaps change this entirely? "Falling faster than the crashing tides"? That still keeps the rhyme. Or go for your own thing. Anyways, eyes don't fall.

quote:

And my heart is gonna pop

I have a strong dislike for this line. Seems a bit rough and informal. Like a really bad random line out of a forced modern lyric. (Think any of the pop people). I think the word "pop" is what did it. It's too shallow. Perhaps: "And my heart/soul/whatever is gonna drop"?

quote:

Catch me! For I cannot
But when I turn around to see
The love that used to hold me tight
Has fallen deep into the sea

Transitional words here make little sense. You cannot what? You're saying "I cannot" and saying "but" so I thought you'd say something to be opposite of "cannot" Instead, you go on elaborating the "cannot." Also "to see" hinted there's something afterwards, but the stanza stopped before I could see what the afterwards was. I suggest something to this extent:

Catch me! For I cannot <insert any verb here, or "catch myself" or something>
'cause when I turn around and see
The love that used to hold me tight
Has fallen deep into the sea

quote:

For even though I whisper "Catch me!"

Comma after "whisper." ENG101 stuff, Jer. =P

quote:

It is you who needs me near.

I have absolutely no ways to fix this, but it is a little sudden. You're suddenly doing a 360 degree turn of "I need you" to "you need me" without transition or any hints in the above stanzas. Again, no way to fix, just watch out for it in later poetry.

Hmm, the flow for this poem was good and I liked the emotion/concept. Some transition and logic problems here and there did deter the enjoyment a bit once I looked deeper into it.

For "Never Say Die"

quote:

My poor heart is breaking-

I have a strong distaste for this word here. It sounds way too whiny. And one of the worst things a poet can do is sound whiny... Use another word, like "torn"

quote:

The world once so bright,

I'd put a comma after "world" both for grammar and because it reads better that way. Pause seems to flow better.

quote:

What right have I to die?

I don't like the inverted order here. It killed off the flow and is especially not recommended in song lyrics. Works nice once in a while, but it didn't here. Just say "What right do I have to die?"

This is possibly the best thing you've written here, imo. It's good in it's simplicity and language. The "never say die" parts were what made it awesome. The other parts were weaker by comparison, but that's understandable. Like MM said to me, if you start on top of Everest, there's bound to be down parts. =P

For "Free"

quote:

In the blanket of dark night.

Now, because of the kind of writer I am, I'd prefer it if you say something other than a generic dark. (eg: ebony, charred, obsidian, onyx, whatever.)

I don't have much else to say about this one. It's good, not a lot to pick at. The repeating parts were powerful. Could've worked harder at solid, concrete imagery. Keep that in mind next time.

For "Prove to Me"

quote:

Prove that you’re human.

This kinda halted my reading. Flows better as "you are" imo.

quote:

Please?

May I be so bold as to suggest that you actually omit this line altogether? Sounds more powerful, less whiny without it.

I liked the concept of the poem. Lots of L&L folks tell me I overwork myself on critiques like these. =P The beginning was extremely good, definitely caught my attention. However, it did go a bit downhill from there. Perhaps it was the minimal whinyness that got to me. The narrative voice seemed weakened by the end.

For "Dreams with Wings"

quote:

Lost amist the rocky tors

"amidst"
What the heck is a "tor" Word agrees with me that it isn't a word...

quote:

It seems to close and yet so far.

Meant either "too" or "so"

quote:

My heart is burning, yet no cry.

I'm a bit confused about whether this is the tears-cry or the scream-cry. The former makes more sense, but the structure encourages the latter. And it sounds like it's referring to the heart, not you. Hmm: "My heart is burning, but I don't cry." or something.

Clyde really has a way with last lines... This was /almost/ as good as my collab with him. =P Anyways, good imagery, good job. Maybe a bit more sense might do wonders, but otherwise amazing. =P

I am quite sure I already critiqued Day by Day pretty deeply.

*stretches* Now here's your longed-for critique. Now you owe me and I still own your soul. =P Anyways, no need to wait for old critiques to release new poems. I release them anytime I write them.

Post #: 6

7/15/2008 20:27:55

jerenda
Member

*considers*

Yay! *hugs*

Catch Me-
1. Thanks for catching that. Not sure what to do about the "faster than the eye" part... see, I mean to say that she's falling faster than the eye can follow. I kinda lead up to that conclusion by the other two bits, which both have to be interpreted oddly to make sense... at least, that's how it seemed to me. No idea how I can fix the eye thing, so it's staying as is.
2. Yes, I hate it too. Drop! Excellent! *fixes* "And I think my heart will stop." Much better. Thank you.
3. I also hate the word "cannot" (way too formal) but can't think of a way to fix it. Ah... okay. Fixed.
4. However, I don't want the readers to take a breath. Therefore, no comma. If the rule still applies, I'll fix it anyways, but I'm grumbling under my breath. ^_^
5. I like it that way. *sweet but evil grin* I was intending to throw you for a loop. That was the goal. ^_^
Will you tell me if it makes more sense now?

Never Say Die-
Suggestions taken.

Free-
Nah, song's too simple to have an elaborate word in place of dark. ^_^

Prove to me-
Okay... I fixed some stuff... now the ending sounds abrupt... meh.

Dreams with Wings-
1. Fixed. Tor is so a word! I think it's a rocky area at the top of a bluff, or perhaps a very rocky island in the sea. Or just something to do with rocks. Word has an insufficient dictionary. *looks it up online* Wikipedia FTW! A tor is a rock outcrop formed by weathering, usually found on or near the summit of a hill. =P
2. I think the word "so" was meant here.
3. I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. ^_^
Yes, the making-sense factor is badly lacking here, but I'm glad you enjoyed it anyways.

Thanks again! *hugs* I would release more, but all of them are only half-finished. I have about five half-finished ones... and a few that are only one stanza. ^_^

Post #: 7

7/15/2008 20:46:19

Firefly
Lore-ian

Lol, I made a pun in my editing without realizing it... The "pop" part...

Half-done poetry is the worst kind. I've had stuff sitting on my computer for about a month without me looking at it...

Meh, one-stanza poems can be the best. "Fall" was one stanza, and I consider it one of the best poems I've ever written (which means it's pretty terrible still, but you get the point. <_<)

Remember to put Into the Night back as well. =P

Post #: 8

7/17/2008 15:33:34

jerenda
Member

Ta-da! One half-done poem finished, and I've decided to take your advice, Flight, and put my one stanza poem up as is.

Left Me I didn't get to include a part that I wanted- the fact that, now you know what it feels like to lose somebody, you understand what your friends are going through if that happens to them and you can extend greater sympathy. But it would have confused my point, so I left it out. I think the repeating part gets redundant after a while... but I'll leave it as is.

No Title I have no intention of titling this work, but go ahead and suggest stuff. ^_^

Into the Night is up, and will recieve a new addition when the contest bit is over with.

Post #: 9

7/28/2008 13:56:28

jerenda
Member

Well, I finished a poem called Walking in Darkness, Writing in Sun but I seem to have lost it... I'm searching for it now, but if I can't find it I'll have to rewrite it from memory. *shudders*

I'll put it up ASAP.

Post #: 10

7/28/2008 14:01:24

~Shade~
Member

Me can suggest title?

I would call it Serenity.

~Shade~

Post #: 11

7/28/2008 14:03:18

jerenda
Member

Hmm... that's actually a really good title. I think I'll use it. Thanks! *hugs*

I found that poem I was searching for... it's on the computer without internet access. So while I type it up here, can you tell me what you thought of Left Me?

Post #: 12

7/28/2008 14:14:38

jerenda
Member

Walking in Darkness, Writing in Sun- I feel this needs a bit of explanation. The stanza that begins "A storm passes quickly" is half in-character, half-out. The first and third lines are about what's going on in the story, and the second and fourth lines are real-life. The next stanza is all story, and the stanza after is all real. I chose this title because I thought the contrast was funny- I'm walking in a mental darkness, bathed physically in a bright light, while they're in the dead of the night surrounded by a spiritual (and metaphorical) light.

In case you couldn't tell, it's up!! The italicized line I'm thinking of changing so it doesn't give the impression I'm thinking about sunlight, thereby ruining my hard-won contrast. Suggestions appreciated.

< Message edited by jerenda -- 7/28/2008 14:15:58 >

Post #: 13

9/5/2008 23:32:09

jerenda
Member

I've got a new poem... it's not quite up yet, but it will be in a few. Take this one slow. It's called Tranquility. Here's my inspiration... song reference thanks to Eukara.

Actually, I'm saving this for tommorow. I need a little more time... I'll post again when it's up.

< Message edited by jerenda -- 9/6/2008 0:32:19 >

Post #: 14

9/27/2008 21:30:04

jerenda
Member

There, it's up. Took me long enough, and I was pretty mad when I finished it, as you may be able to tell. Take it slow, and don't be decieved by the title. ^_^

Post #: 15

9/27/2008 21:54:36

Firefly
Lore-ian

Don't have time to critique. But I loved this. Great work on the flow. Just noticed this:

quote:

The tears within my lives.

You have /one/ life. Perhaps "our lives" is what you mean?

quote:

So peaceful, and so heaven sent

Might need a dash there.

quote:

This deathless, ageless mess

Need period?

Once again, awesome work. One of your best so far, imo.

_____________________________

AQ	Post #: 16

10/4/2008 23:45:30

jerenda
Member

Thanks Flight. *huggles*

Lives was meant to be plural... I'll change it if someone else objects, but it's not literal.
Fixed the other two.

Post #: 17

3/24/2009 19:02:56

Firefly
Lore-ian

Loved your newest one, "Night Found Poem" Unfortunately, getting too little sleep and forgetting about food isn't helping my energy levels so I'm not really up to critiquing. Only two random points:

quote:

And his was the face of an angel in distress.

I might be reading this all wrong, but the gallows line followed the "Where is God?" line so I interpreted this "his" as refering to God. Shouldn't it be capitalized, in that case? And I'm probably reading this wrong, so don't bite my throat off.

quote:

You are too skinny, too weak…

Skinny is specific. Weak is general. Skinny doesn't have enough of a bad connotation, imo. Sounds informal, too. I'd say "fragile" or something.

Anyhow, I need food and sleep. I don't have words to describe how I like it, especially the ending. I only can say that, since I'm holding off from dinner and rest to read it, it's certainly very good indeed to merit that amount of attention. ;)

AQ	Post #: 18

3/24/2009 19:05:37

jerenda
Member

Night Found Poem- "Found Poem" just means that we read through Night by Eli Weasel and took lines from it and turned them into poetry. Excuse the weird coding- it looks way cooler in Word. I'll get a picture of the good coding up eventually. ^_^

Wow, Flight, you beat me to posting on my own poem. ^_^ Like I said above, I wasn’t really in control of the lines, stuck with using this other guy’s words. But Night lends itself really well to poetry, so I count myself lucky. Anyways, the assignment is turned it, so I’ll take artistic license with the things you suggested.

You’re right about the referring to God bit- In the book, the line I quoted there actually discusses someone else, someone who’s getting hung, which is why the “his” is uncapitalized, but I (*ebil laugh*) manipulated so you think it’s referring to God. Yeah. I’ll capitalize it.

Alright, I’ll work on that line. Fragile sounds good.

Aw, thanks. ^_^ I feel special indeed to be depriving you of sleep and food with my poetry. (No, wait, that sounds like a bad thing… ^_^ )

< Message edited by jerenda -- 3/24/2009 19:26:22 >

Post #: 19

3/24/2009 19:39:26

Firefly
Lore-ian

I suggest you add a note on the poem post that this uses lines taken from a book. Just in case someone thinks you're not giving credit where due...

Hehe, I remember one story of mine where I had less description due to word count limits, and then Eukara commented and told me to add since I can do these things for L&L even if I can't for the teacher. =P

Food problem taken care of. Still debating if I should sleep or if I should stay awake. Sleeping is tempting, but if I sleep now, I'll wake at 2 am, be unable to sleep for several hours, become really tired in the morning, ect... Which doesn't help in the long run.

EDIT: Almost forgot to celebrate beating you to posting about your own poem! =P I didn't celebrate in the above post because I was afraid you're post while I was still typing and thus make me look like an idiot.

Locked, as per request.

< Message edited by Eukara Vox -- 8/5/2010 15:35:46 >

AQ	Post #: 20

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