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(DF) The Chronicles of Alaric Mycroft Commentary

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4/17/2012 23:39:54   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 A Better Story than most

Feel free to check on this whenever. Constructive criticism is strongly suggested.

< Message edited by VanHellsin24 -- 5/3/2012 18:56:42 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 1
4/18/2012 16:28:41   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Finished the proluge.

Took forever...
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 2
4/18/2012 18:52:14   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Chapter One is complete.

AQ DF AQW  Post #: 3
4/19/2012 2:13:44   
Glais
Member

No comments? I shall step up to the plate then.

So far it seems a bit better then your last. Less mistakes, better dialogue, overall nothing that seems blatantly out of place in DF.

It does leave me with several questions however.

First off, you note he "Changes into his DeathKnight Armor." As if you just change and suddenly you're literally that class, when in reality class training would be a yearslength thing. This character would've trained for a long time mastering all the various skills and nuances of...Death...Knightery. You could be going for literal gamespeak stories (like Stephen Nix seems to do) but that seems to clash with the mood so far.

Secondly, a spell that makes him instantly Undead? That's...kinda the same thing as killing him and reviving him, there's no difference really. You have to die first in order to be Undead as I understand it anyways.

I believe...oh wait, I thought BattleMage was simply a type of Mage who also uses a large amount of physical combat. There's been no indication of a hundreds of years requirement for other BattleMages seen (a la Cysero, etc).

And so the character's a Dynamancer as well? So Dynamancer, Necromancer AND DeathKnight+BattleMage? Quite a lot of skills for one guy (unless I just misunderstood), though I suppose it's possible (and this is YOUR story after all, make it in a way you enjoy it most), just feels slightly unrealistic.

*Sigh* I look into these things waaaaaaaay too much.
DF MQ  Post #: 4
4/19/2012 14:05:29   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 I did mention that he is over 300 years of age.

It's like Vordred's Voiduminance. Well, basically it IS Voiduminance but under a different title in which I have to think up of a name for.

He didnt spend hundreds of years in BattleMage training. He's just been under the title of a BattleMage for his life time.

No, he just specialized in Dynamancy when training as a BattleMage, as he still uses magic with physical combat. So you can shorten his list of skills to BattleMage+DeathKnight+Necro...


However, DeathKnight is basically a Necromancer turned Warrior so....but then again....meh.

He knows so much class skills is because he can absorb the skills from living and dead people (so far it has been demonstrated on the dead Necromancer) but 3 (in your case 4) classes at one time is Alaric's limit.

How he can, well...that will be explained
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 5
4/19/2012 17:11:25   
Glais
Member

quote:


It's like Vordred's Voiduminance. Well, basically it IS Voiduminance but under a different title in which I have to think up of a name for.

[I]Which would, effectively do the exact same thing. Killing them and then Undeadifying em.
DF MQ  Post #: 6
4/19/2012 18:08:39   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Well, this is a spoiler you're forcing me to use...


spoiler:

He can also turn them back into living beings, which takes more effort
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 7
4/19/2012 18:12:36   
Glais
Member

Intriguing.

spoiler:

With that addition, it shows he's quite a powerful character, how do you intend to make sure he has continuous conflicts that aren't one-sided?
DF MQ  Post #: 8
4/19/2012 18:14:23   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 It depends on what should be considered "one sided"

Provide examples if you may
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 9
4/19/2012 18:14:49   
Glais
Member

Godzilla vs Bambi.
DF MQ  Post #: 10
4/19/2012 18:17:13   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Oh dear Lord no.

Alaric is an exceptionally powerful magic User, but technically he is Bambi in that scenario with a good chance of beating Godzilla
spoiler:

Godzilla being younger Noxus
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 11
4/19/2012 20:36:52   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Chapter Two is complete.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 12
4/21/2012 13:39:42   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Chapter 3 is complete
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 13
4/23/2012 1:15:58   
Glais
Member

Caught up. Not bad, not bad. I did find one thing kinda weird though, Alaric's teammate is also named Aisha? And Artix is working with Necromancers? That doesn't sound right.

Besides that the rest was pretty sound, nothing else for me to add really.
DF MQ  Post #: 14
4/23/2012 8:58:25   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Their naming is all coincidental.

The war *in this universe* has come to the point when Necromancers are fighting against the Undead Assault. Artix isnt so happy about it but any help is good help.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 15
4/23/2012 18:53:14   
Glais
Member

Oh gotcha. So basically I should treat this as a literal , personal canon, and basically not fret over any details that differ from DF. That will actually help me enjoy this a lot more.
DF MQ  Post #: 16
4/23/2012 18:57:34   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Yea, this story is purely based in the DF. No side powers or anything as far as this goes.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 17
4/23/2012 20:47:01   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Chapter Four is complete. I need some feedback on the introduction of a very out of timine enemy.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 18
4/27/2012 18:19:32   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Chapter Five is complete.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 19
4/28/2012 9:54:54   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Starting to think no one likes this story..

Meh....
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 20
4/28/2012 16:24:31   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Chapter Six is complete.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 21
4/28/2012 17:18:33   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 In the process of obtaining new sources on the Undead Assault! Excited

Ok I need help finding DF Undead Assault lore

< Message edited by VanHellsin24 -- 4/28/2012 18:45:31 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 22
4/28/2012 21:38:36   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!
quote:

He hummed a familiar song he heard his mother sang before she died.

sing
quote:

Killing it wasn't really the hard part l.

Remove the "I"
quote:

Getting the precise measurements to decapitate it's head was tricky. Especially for a Dynamancer such as himself.

Combine the sentences and replace the period with a comma.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 23
4/29/2012 8:17:09   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Fixes have been made.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 24
4/29/2012 20:06:42   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Ok before I advance with a new chapter I would like answers to the following two questions:

What is the most powerful necromancer spell currently in DF?

Can the Elemental Lords be called upon easily or can they be revoked?

Who can be considered the most evil character in DF pre-Final 13th?

< Message edited by VanHellsin24 -- 4/29/2012 20:08:13 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 25
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